Bitchin' Blog Posts
Caption That Cover: Jessica Blair Edition
by SB Sarah | by SB Sarah | February 19, 2013 | Tuesday at 2:07 am | 131 CommentsSo many of you have forwarded me the articles regarding author Jessica Blair, who is really an 89 year old gentleman named Bill Spence:
The grandfather from Ampleforth, North Yorkshire, was told his books would need to be printed under a feminine moniker if he wanted them to sell - and so his pseudonym Jessica Blair was born.
Bill, 89, has so far written 22 romance novels under the female pen name since his first was published in 1993, with his latest, Silence of the Snow, due out this week.
I love how happy he is, and cheers to him on his success. This guy looks charming and I bet he'd be rolling fun to have a beer with.
But as CC pointed out, when she forwarded me the link to the story, have a look at his upcoming book:
To quote CC, "What on earth is she thinking in that picture?! I'm thinking she's thinking, 'Whatevs, Can we just get this over with?'"
I think we need to caption her. What do you think? OF COURSE, WE DO.
Bring your best saucy creativity and caption that cover - and for extra ?! have a look at the summary copy, which is completely confusing.
Leave your caption in the comments below. I'll pick the winners on Friday 22 February. Feel free to use the "like" button to try to sway my selection.
The winner will receive a $25 gift card to the bookstore of his or her choice, and the people's ovation and fame forever. Standard disclaimers apply: I'm not being compensated for this giveaway, except for the the slight case of hair envy I harbor now that I've seen that hairstyle. Void where prohibited. Open to international residents were permissable by applicable law. Must be over 18 and wearing corduroy to win. Everyone must love corduroy. The sound it makes was the inspiration for dubstep.
So, what's she thinking? Share! Caption that cover!
Filed: Caption This Cover, General Bitching
Tagged: wtfery, pseudonyms, men, make the burning stop, historical romance, caption that cover, awesomesauce
wingednike said on 02.19.13 at 02:23 AM • [link]
Your “Let’s do it for our country” line won’t work on me this time
MissB2U said on 02.19.13 at 02:25 AM • [link]
“Ok grandpa, I posed for your book cover. Can we talk about my new car now?”
Rij said on 02.19.13 at 02:57 AM • [link]
You call that a penis?
Tam B. said on 02.19.13 at 03:08 AM • [link]
“And they want $26.52 for the kindle edition? Puhleeze.”
Liz H said on 02.19.13 at 03:23 AM • [link]
It’s now $19.04 for the kindle edition. Slightly better, but it’s still ridiculous.
Ms. Cover Lady is SO not impressed by the by the price drop.
TaraR said on 02.19.13 at 04:36 AM • [link]
“My face—It does not give a crap. “
Jane Lovering said on 02.19.13 at 06:36 AM • [link]
“Right, I’ve got the snow, now can I have some silence? Seriously, shut up already!”
Mirandaflynn said on 02.19.13 at 06:43 AM • [link]
There’s snow on the field and green grass in the foreground, I have my sleeves rolled up, and there’s pink writing in the sky. Seriously? Cover Artist, please.
Sarah W said on 02.19.13 at 06:45 AM • [link]
“You call that a Mighty Wang? Seriously?”
Cee Marsden said on 02.19.13 at 07:01 AM • [link]
“A Time Agent. Riiiight.”
Cbeta Fiberson said on 02.19.13 at 07:17 AM • [link]
“Everybody around me doesn’t know anything, and my cafe latte mochiato with a touch of cinnamon and nutmeg is late! NEED IT NOW!”
Shawny Jean said on 02.19.13 at 07:31 AM • [link]
“A corduroy skirt and a green cardigan? Seriously grampa, no one’s going to buy this book if you don’t at least find me some fuschia or a fichu.”
JoanneF said on 02.19.13 at 08:14 AM • [link]
As if I’d ever let you anywhere near my perky, rose-tipped breasts! Get real!
Mirandaflynn said on 02.19.13 at 08:24 AM • [link]
Did you expect me to actually understand that summary copy?
Patricia Eimer said on 02.19.13 at 08:38 AM • [link]
No you don’t look better in that dress than I do. Now give it back Grandpa.
Arloa said on 02.19.13 at 08:40 AM • [link]
I know we’re out here in the snow, and things ... shrink in the cold. But, really?
Nan said on 02.19.13 at 08:48 AM • [link]
You want me to have sex in this book???!! I don’t think so.
Beccah W. said on 02.19.13 at 08:49 AM • [link]
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the shrinking penis. Can she find it in all this snow?
AnimeJune said on 02.19.13 at 08:56 AM • [link]
“Silence - because speaking is Too Mainstream.”
AnimeJune said on 02.19.13 at 08:56 AM • [link]
“Well *I* was as silent as the snow BEFORE it was cool.”
AnimeJune said on 02.19.13 at 09:00 AM • [link]
“I’m going to need to check your credit rating, tax records, and family history before I agree to release these puppies from their green cashmere cage.”
Darlynne said on 02.19.13 at 09:16 AM • [link]
Elise has joined the RAF and gone to France to search for her mother’s left hand. Carrying only a creepy picture of the eternally-pissed-off and one-handed Veronica, Elise hopes to confront an old family friend and learn the truth In the Silence of the Snow.
samalamadingdong said on 02.19.13 at 09:20 AM • [link]
“I don’t know, you guys. You really think I should tuck my sweater into my skirt?”
Jennifer said on 02.19.13 at 09:28 AM • [link]
“No one “gets” my Bomb Girls* cosplay…”
*This one’s for you Canadians!
SB Sarah said on 02.19.13 at 09:41 AM • [link]
I’m doomed picking a winner for this one. And I love this cover. She looks like she just completed the neck swivel to end all neck swivels.
GhengisMom said on 02.19.13 at 09:44 AM • [link]
“Are seriously expecting me to pay $19 for this Kindle edition?!”
Michelle C. said on 02.19.13 at 09:46 AM • [link]
Did you take your meds today? I’m thinking specifically of that little blue pill.
Julie B said on 02.19.13 at 09:50 AM • [link]
Fresh off her gold medal performance at the 2012 London Olympics, McKayla Maroney embarked upon her career as a romance novel cover model.
Vandy Jones said on 02.19.13 at 09:57 AM • [link]
As if! I’d say talk to the hand, but we both know that won’t work.
DavidalBarron said on 02.19.13 at 10:03 AM • [link]
Concealed behind her sniper’s apathy, the images of that Stalingrad winter played over and over. Now one more man is in the crosshairs…of her heart.
Holly Gault said on 02.19.13 at 10:08 AM • [link]
“What the fuck have you done now?” Not original at all, but that’s what she looks like she’s said.
Rachel said on 02.19.13 at 10:11 AM • [link]
I don’t see any Aslan here. Now where is that damn lamp post?!?
Anna said on 02.19.13 at 10:12 AM • [link]
Excuse me, you plan on saving my life HOW?!
Mirandaflynn said on 02.19.13 at 10:12 AM • [link]
You SAID this would be a clinch cover. With a Viking. I don’t see any Viking here. Do YOU?
Tamara Hogan said on 02.19.13 at 10:15 AM • [link]
Bitch, please.
Lostshadows said on 02.19.13 at 10:27 AM • [link]
No, I’m not going to turn around and look at the giant text floating behind me. You really expect me to fall for that?
tokengirlstfu said on 02.19.13 at 10:29 AM • [link]
I don’t do “threesomes”
Kelly Lasiter said on 02.19.13 at 10:53 AM • [link]
Something about that outfit says “service job” to me, so I’ll go with:
“Are you going to settle up so I can turn this table now, or are you going to sit there and nurse that coffee for another three hours?”
Elyssa Patrick said on 02.19.13 at 10:55 AM • [link]
Not Impressed.
Ashley L. said on 02.19.13 at 11:06 AM • [link]
There’s something about the cover photo that reminds me of Tina Fey. So the first thing that popped into my head was, “I do NOT want to go to there.”
MaddBookish said on 02.19.13 at 11:08 AM • [link]
“No, Sue, I don’t want to ‘try with new things while the boys are away.’
Teri Anne Stanley said on 02.19.13 at 11:19 AM • [link]
While she was waiting for the cover artists to invent googly eyes so she could roll them at someone, it began to snow. And then she started to get REALLY annoyed…
Merrymac12 said on 02.19.13 at 11:19 AM • [link]
Excuse me, but silence ISN’T golden. Gold is golden. Please use some to update my wardrobe.
Anne Clark said on 02.19.13 at 11:26 AM • [link]
If you make one more crack about yellow snow.
Bonnie Myszka said on 02.19.13 at 11:33 AM • [link]
You want silence? I’ll give you silence…
KimberlyChapman said on 02.19.13 at 11:35 AM • [link]
“I’m envisaging an outcome all right. Let me get you a towel.”
Landslide said on 02.19.13 at 11:35 AM • [link]
“I don’t need this sh*t! I’m Kristen Stewart’s long lost twin!”
Faellie said on 02.19.13 at 11:53 AM • [link]
I think those are corderoy breeches, rather than a corderoy skirt, and she may well be a land girl (wartime replacement for conscripted male farm worker). And in Yorkshire. In which case -
“There’s no point you trying that again. The thermal underwear is sewn on, thank you very much, and it’s staying sewn on until April.”
Sandypo said on 02.19.13 at 11:55 AM • [link]
I coulda had a V8!
Katie Lunsford said on 02.19.13 at 12:06 PM • [link]
Jessica Blair is the eternal Girl Scout, but with all this silence and snow—cookie sales are going to be dismal.
Tessa I. said on 02.19.13 at 12:14 PM • [link]
“Fuck off, Mr. Cullen.”
laj said on 02.19.13 at 12:24 PM • [link]
Ya me and Kate Upton supermodels in the snow. Can I pleeze get some hot lemon water.
ECSpurlock said on 02.19.13 at 12:24 PM • [link]
Seriously? I get widowed HOW many times in this book, and only one decent lay?
rayvyn2k said on 02.19.13 at 12:29 PM • [link]
I was promised mullets and man titty. I’m not moving from this spot until I get them.
Maryam Rachidi said on 02.19.13 at 12:33 PM • [link]
“Pssh! World Wars? Ain’t got time for that shit..”
Lauren said on 02.19.13 at 12:34 PM • [link]
Why didn’t you order the crossbow and catsuit like I asked? I’ve been doing yoga and I even had those three vertebrae removed. There’s no way Jim C. Hines is going to notice us now!
GHN said on 02.19.13 at 12:43 PM • [link]
Okay, you say your d*ck is weeping with joy at seeing me. Sounds like an STD to me!
Melissa said on 02.19.13 at 12:53 PM • [link]
I thought this was a Babysitter’s Club novel.
Lisa J said on 02.19.13 at 12:59 PM • [link]
You want to put what where? I don’t think so.
Tsuki said on 02.19.13 at 01:04 PM • [link]
The book rests on the uni-boob.
GHN said on 02.19.13 at 01:42 PM • [link]
No, Grandpa, I don’t really think pink hair is truly _you_, even though it’s Valentine’s Day!
Clbevill said on 02.19.13 at 02:02 PM • [link]
“Bring it, bee-yotch.”
Clbevill said on 02.19.13 at 02:02 PM • [link]
“Has anyone seen my sense of taste? I seem to have misplaced it.”
Erin L. said on 02.19.13 at 02:19 PM • [link]
“I know I told you I would sleep with you if it snowed in July. I lied. Drop Dead.”
Jesse Hayworth said on 02.19.13 at 02:26 PM • [link]
“Yes, as a matter of fact, this *is* what I’m wearing to dinner. Why do you ask?”
Livingreadgirl said on 02.19.13 at 03:12 PM • [link]
“I am NOT wearing a Tina Fey costume! This is Rachel Dratch,update your mainstream!”
Jennara said on 02.19.13 at 03:22 PM • [link]
“Oh, NOW what?” is my thought on looking at that expression. She looks like a woman who’s seen one too many time travelers/vampire princes/goblin kings—all of whom promptly forget their Absolutely Vital Mission when they take once glance at Silent Snow there….
CK said on 02.19.13 at 03:49 PM • [link]
“Are you seriously trying to pull that alpha bullshit on me?”
Philippa said on 02.19.13 at 03:58 PM • [link]
“...and I’m not even Irish!!”
PamG said on 02.19.13 at 04:23 PM • [link]
C’mon, Mom, chillax..
TS said on 02.19.13 at 04:33 PM • [link]
You bloody little wanker - you’re actually giving me the “It’s not you, it’s me” speech?
persnickety said on 02.19.13 at 04:41 PM • [link]
Via my husband-
Ten years i would have had a half-naked pirate to keep me warm; all i get is ‘sensible clothes’. So cheated :(
Miranda Johnson said on 02.19.13 at 05:14 PM • [link]
Ok look, I know there’s snow in the title but what’s the deal with this outfit, old man? Why can’t I wear some pretty silky thing like all the other heroines? Why can’t I just lounge across a bearskin rug in front of a fireplace beneath some brawny shirtless hunk? I’m gonna be a laughingstock! Where’s MY man nipples?!
hapax said on 02.19.13 at 05:31 PM • [link]
That title just cemented Simon and Garfunkel’s line “a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow” in my head, which led to the caption:
“I am a rock. I am an island. Prepare to feel my pain.”
Carrie Gwaltney said on 02.19.13 at 06:11 PM • [link]
Snow? THIS only qualifies as “snow” in Atlanta! You need to be silent about it because you’re embarrassed that you can’t drive worth crap in it! Come on up to Montana, I’ll SHOW you “snow.”
Jest said on 02.19.13 at 06:16 PM • [link]
This is my, “I just woke up from eating a cursed apple and found out Prince Charming is a snarky twelve year old wannabe with horn rimmed glasses and a dice set for dungeons and dragons.”
Emily said on 02.19.13 at 07:12 PM • [link]
“Didn’t you know that you’re supposed to say no when I ask you if my butt looks fat in this skirt?”
Felle said on 02.19.13 at 07:20 PM • [link]
Why aren’t my nipples pebbling? Ain’t nobody got time for that!
KarenF said on 02.19.13 at 07:22 PM • [link]
A haiku:
silence of the snow
tell me my dear jessica
has the screaming stopped?
Maggie Robinson said on 02.19.13 at 07:32 PM • [link]
After the loss of her dwarfs, Snow White could not even whistle while she worked.
Amy S. said on 02.19.13 at 07:35 PM • [link]
Kristen Stewart is still not amused
Juliana said on 02.19.13 at 07:58 PM • [link]
“This is all I’ve got to work with? What, did you already spend your Fabio budget?”
Juliana said on 02.19.13 at 08:04 PM • [link]
“If you notice, the summary has a very daughters of Sappho theme. That means you shouldn’t be pulling your dick out.”
Arloa said on 02.19.13 at 08:16 PM • [link]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, electricity crackles every time you touch me, I’m not like your usual woman, you can’t stop thinking about me. Deal with it.
Violet Bick said on 02.19.13 at 08:49 PM • [link]
“Just who am I supposed to be anyway? Marie? Veronica? Elise? The other unnamed daughter? ... OK, I need a look that conveys anything, nothing, any one, and no one all at the same time. ... I can do this. I AM AN ACTOR. (Don’t call me a model slash actress!) ... What to do? What to do? ... I know. I’ll just use the expression I learned at the Kristen Stewart/Bella Swan School of Acting. ... Nailed it!”
dwndrgn said on 02.19.13 at 09:03 PM • [link]
She’s totally thinking, “What the heck did you put in my hair?”
Jessica_HookEm said on 02.19.13 at 09:23 PM • [link]
You’ve screwed up and now you must grovel.
Laura Probst said on 02.19.13 at 09:36 PM • [link]
“She was confused. She didn’t know whether she was Marie or Veronica, or perhaps Elise. She had no idea what she was doing. All she did know was that she was standing next to a snowy field with bared arms and she was cold… and tired of being so damned confused.”
Nita said on 02.19.13 at 10:50 PM • [link]
“Silence of the Snow,” brought to you by the Sears Portrait Studio. Mention this book and get $50 off your senior photo package!
Nita said on 02.19.13 at 10:53 PM • [link]
(Or, for Simpsons fans)
“You said if I did this photo shoot, I wouldn’t have to touch the drunk.”
MelissaH said on 02.19.13 at 10:53 PM • [link]
“You called me out here to tell me What? You want me to do What? You have GOT to be kidding me.”
Fullybooked said on 02.19.13 at 11:10 PM • [link]
Marie didn’t know WTF was happening, She also didn’t care.
John Jacobson said on 02.19.13 at 11:47 PM • [link]
“Keep looking at me like that, and you’ll end up as shit-faced as the Photoshopped snow on this cover.”
Nicole said on 02.19.13 at 11:57 PM • [link]
“What were you saying about global warming again? Yeah, that’s right. I’m pretty sure it was the same thing you said about time travel, and have you seen this get-up I’m wearing?”
OtotheA said on 02.20.13 at 12:20 AM • [link]
Haha, my first thought when I saw that cover was she’s definitely thinking, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”
OtotheA said on 02.20.13 at 12:24 AM • [link]
Jodie Foster’s little sister was *really* not impressed by Beaver.
Crystal F. said on 02.20.13 at 01:06 AM • [link]
(I don’t think this has been used yet.)
“You ladies were expecting man-titty?”
Darlynne said on 02.20.13 at 01:32 AM • [link]
The Blair Witch Project, WWII edition. Don’t go into the snow alone.
The Other Susan said on 02.20.13 at 01:39 AM • [link]
OK, this one made me laugh so hard that I woke up the dog.
Anony Miss said on 02.20.13 at 03:47 AM • [link]
Uh oh. Somewhere there’s a Land’s End catalog with o-faced Fabio advertising the latest in merino wool.
Maureen said on 02.20.13 at 06:44 AM • [link]
Dude, really?
cleo said on 02.20.13 at 06:52 AM • [link]
Really?!
Or
I was a teenage zombie know-it-all. If they’d only listened to me, Grandpa wouldn’t be munching on brains right now.
Worsci said on 02.20.13 at 06:54 AM • [link]
“I just, um . . . farted.”
The snow just wasn’t silent any more.
cleo said on 02.20.13 at 06:59 AM • [link]
Yeah right. Sure you’ll call me. After you go back in time. To defeat some Viking. Who can shoot flames from his hands. And who threatens to destroy the space-time continuum. Whatever. I’m so over this.
Christina said on 02.20.13 at 08:08 AM • [link]
It’s time to get real about what goes on in the bathroom.
Wong Pei Xing said on 02.20.13 at 10:07 AM • [link]
“Yes, I’m still mad at you.”
cleo said on 02.20.13 at 10:22 AM • [link]
(can’t resist doing one more)
Greatest Generation, my ass.
GHN said on 02.20.13 at 11:45 AM • [link]
Okay, so you wanted some tattoos to emphasize your masculinity. But why did you decide on Hello Kitty and fluttery flower fairies?
Kael said on 02.20.13 at 01:23 PM • [link]
“Turning snow into grass is harder than it looks, OK?”
Annblackie said on 02.20.13 at 01:27 PM • [link]
“Look, I have no idea what the summary copy means. I got paid peanuts to wear Mom jeans and an ugly green sweater. Haven’t I been through enough?”
birthdaygirl13 said on 02.20.13 at 02:34 PM • [link]
Mr. Roger’s called he wants his pants and sweater back…............
Betty Fokker said on 02.20.13 at 02:36 PM • [link]
“It’s called FRIGID for a reason, asshat.”
Kim S. said on 02.20.13 at 03:02 PM • [link]
I can’t get past that she reminds me of Lara Pulver (BBC’s Sherlock—Irene Adler). That being said, I see this cover and think:
“In her mind, she decided she’d kill Sherlock, herself. Fake identity, indeed. Safe in the country, indeed. ‘Oh, there’ll be silence in the snow,’ she thought, ‘right after I cut his throat. Look at me! I used to whip people, for god’s sake!’”
ECSpurlock said on 02.20.13 at 03:05 PM • [link]
Unless he started groveling soon, the silence of the snow was all he would be hearing for a Very. Long. Time.
Emma-Cleo said on 02.20.13 at 03:11 PM • [link]
Whatever, given the craptastic costume and the totally missing Sir Lacks-a-lot-o-brains Has-a-lot-o-muscles this book is tanking anyway.
LisaC said on 02.20.13 at 07:52 PM • [link]
Market research, seriously?
Em said on 02.20.13 at 08:22 PM • [link]
What-ev-er!
BelleofBooks said on 02.20.13 at 09:01 PM • [link]
The snow may be silent, but my face says it all, buddy.
Kaetrin said on 02.20.13 at 09:47 PM • [link]
Whose bright idea was it to put me in a CORDUROY skirt? WHOSE?!?
Charli Denae said on 02.21.13 at 03:59 AM • [link]
“Look, are you gonna’ read the damn book, or not?”
Carrie C said on 02.21.13 at 05:36 AM • [link]
Looks like someone’s still miffed over the events of the little known prequel, “In The Ruckus of The Grass”.
Mareofearth said on 02.21.13 at 01:50 PM • [link]
“Unlike your usual trollops, I actually have a tape measure in my pocket. I don’t date…. lesser .... men.”
Angie Hocking said on 02.21.13 at 04:47 PM • [link]
“Two world wars started over what’s under this corduroy skirt and two best friends buried under this snow. Now you get why it’s silent?”
MsCatsMeow said on 02.21.13 at 06:23 PM • [link]
“Oh hell no! I still haven’t gotten the grass stains out from the last time!”
MKthor said on 02.21.13 at 07:49 PM • [link]
“You really want to mess with me, pal? I just fricken froze a part of this green pasture using just the power of my scarf headband.”
Canadagirls said on 02.21.13 at 10:40 PM • [link]
I know it was your mother’s favorite outfit, but I can’t shovel snow in this….
Chocaholicblonde said on 02.22.13 at 12:10 AM • [link]
I never fake a sarcasm.
Elisa Llewellyn said on 02.22.13 at 08:17 AM • [link]
“Erm - what?”
Morgan Ferdinand said on 02.22.13 at 08:55 AM • [link]
“Girl, bye.”
Kellyhurd said on 02.22.13 at 09:16 AM • [link]
“I’m doing my kegels. Shut up or I’ll lose count.”
Jen C said on 02.22.13 at 10:29 AM • [link]
“If one more person asks me if I’m Kristen Stewart before the ‘bad breakup,’ I’m going to go all Twilight on you!”
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