Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

“Sam unwrapped his Christmas package early this year.”

Too on point?

Was that kiss under the mistletoe or kiss the mistletoe undies?

“My, my, aren’t those prickly briefs.”

May as well go retro with this, because 80 percent of you are probably thinking it, anyway (-:.

“Is that a candy cane in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”

“Looks like Santa might be coming early this year”

“But it’s smiling at me!”

(With thanks to “A Christmas Story”.)

“Holy holly!  I’ll deck your halls, baby!”

(P.S.  Isn’t that holly with the red spots?)

Oh, Holy night!

“Reindeer antlers and baubles make for great stocking

undie fillers.”

“Gosh, that’s cute - but *I* wanted pink Teddy bears!”

“You want me to kiss under THAT mistletoe”

Upon entering the room, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration representative screamed at the sight of the man climbing the ladder with his pants around his ankles - but then he grinned, admitting that the holly-patterned briefs were much too pretty to be hidden.

“Ooh! You got me a hard lollipop to suck on!” (or off). ;)

Spamword: Natural63- Okay, he’s big, but he’s not *that* big.

“Holly berry-spangled homoerotic subtext, Batman!”

“A visitation from the spirit of Christmas yet to come”

“Was Bernard really interested in him?  The dropped trousers, the well-hung mistletoe, the sidelong looks were all suggestive, but Ben still wasn’t sure.  Perhaps that really was a candle tucked into his red-trimmed, seasonal, yet strangely seductive underwear…”

Oh god, and now I have Christmas carols to ill effect:

“Doff we now our gay apparel, fa la la, la la la, ooh, la la!”

“The holly bares a prickle, as sharp as any thorn…”

“O come, all ye faithful…” (I’m very, very sorry, truly I am)

Also, with apologies to Walter de la Mare (and I know this is too long for a caption, but I can’t resist:

Sitting under the mistletoe
(Pale-green, fairy mistletoe),
One last candle burning low,
All the sleepy dancers gone,
Just one candle burning on,
Shadows lurking everywhere:
Some one came, and kissed me *there*.

(actually, my real problem here is that so *many* Christmas carols have verses that are downright filthy if you are in the wrong frame of mind, and I have been singing Christmas carols every day for the last week…

Why settling for the lips when one can kiss a holly’s stick ?

Mr. Beau dangles

Maybe it’s because I’m a klutz, but all I keep thinking is, “With his pants trapping his legs like that, he is SO going to fall off that ladder.”

Have to go for the obvious: “Don we now our gay apparel.”

“I saw Daddy kissing Santa’s drawers underneath the mistletoe last night.”

“Talk about making the Yuletide gay.”

“Dude I’d be blushing too if I was wearing those undies”
or
“Well, It’s under the Mistletoe tradition says…”

Yet another embarrassing laundry day moment.

Is that a partrige in your pear tree?

Wowza!!!  Christmas came early!!

“Eat your heart out, Marky-Mark.”

Deck the balls?

“Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except in my pants….......

BTW… Just wanted to let Sharon Kendrick know that “Mr Beau Dangles” nearly made me shower my screen with latte.

Note to self:  STOP BLOODY DRINKING WHEN READING SBTB!!!
(You’d think I’d have learned by now…)

Now *that* is a present I really want to unwrap, thought Bernard (loving 17catherines contribution)

It’s gonna be a hard candy Christmas!

“Do I have a package for YOU.”

Alternatively: “Is that big package for me?”

“Kiss me underwear the mistletoe, you fool!”

Josh wondered if he was being too subtle or if Dan would get the hint.

(really, nothing I can come up with [eep, pun unintended] can match Mr. Beau Dangles)

“Don we now our gay apparel.”

I love it, Mala, simple and seasonal.

Wait wait wait—this is an ADVENT CALENDAR? I need some time to rethink my caption…back later.

In a new twist on the Star Wars Christmas Special, he cried “That’s no moon!”

(sorry….my brain is gone)

Not my caption - but did anyone else notice this is an advent calendar? Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Ok, on to the captions!

“Looking over his shoulder, Craig couldn’t contain his glee. This year, it looked like being naughty was going to pay off big time.”

“Frank knew his horrible habit of forgetting to do up his fly was going to bite him in the ass one day…”

“All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth so I can nip those undies off and wish you Merry Christmas!”

“It says here in this book you’re supposed to kiss the first thing you see hung under the mistletoe…oh. Oooh.”

And the one so wrong, you know it’s right:
“Rudolph, with your cock so bright…won’t you guide my lay tonight?”

“Thank you, Santa!”

“On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…One Giaaaant Boner!”

And, it must be said….

“You’ll shoot your eye out!”

There was mistletoe, holly (underwear), and well…that’s how our new Holiday tradition was started.

“Wow, the Holly and the Ivy really *are* full grown!”

“Steve always loved it when Mark showed off his Christmas balls under the mistletoe.”

“You’ll shoot your eye out, kid…”  Or “Be careful, Rick…You’ll shoot my eye out!”  (With a nod to A Christmas Story)

“How does he always know what I want for Christmas?”

Spamword member 57…nuff said!

“Come, Frank told me, Pah rum pah YUM YUM!”

“Now there’s some berries that are safe to eat.”

“Oh Christmas Lee, O Christmas Lee, how lovely are your branches!”

“Forget about your nose…Jack Frost would rather nip on that, honey!”

“FOR ME?!”

“Looks like Santa brought me something to play with…”

“All I want for Christmas is—oh wait.”

Havin’ a holly jolly Christmas already and it’s just the start of Advent.

You bring the mistletoe—-I’ve already got the madness.

Rudolph, with your pants so bright, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?

Peter looked over at Joe the handyman and grinned.  “Joe, are you sure that branch is strong enough to support two ornaments of that size?  Maybe I’d better double-check for you….”

“Silent night, horny night, boner’s warm, underwear’s tight.”

I couldn’t get the following tune out of my mind.

“Oh, by gosh by golly! It’s time for mistletoe and holly!”

Josh wondered if he was being too subtle or if Dan would get the hint.

I think that one is perfect!

“Have I got a Yule Log for you…”

A Visit from St. Prickolas

I saw Daddy kissing Santa’s drawers…

“Would you mind helping me? My enormous prosthetic leg has ruptured my pants.”

Shoot that would have been better as

I saw Daddy kissing Santa’s balls…

Yeah Craig, I’m pretty sure it’s not deck your balls with boughs of holly.

“Need I remind Santa that he ruined my belt last night playing all those naughty reindeer games, just before I loaded his sleigh—and sent him ‘round the world all night long?”

Yeah,  didn’t think so. . .

“No, Bruce, I didn’t say suck it in—oh .  . never mind.”

An excerpt from the book that accompanies the Mistletoe Madness Advent Calendar, Goy to the World:

It had been a tense holiday season. Chris recalled the stress of meeting Ira’s parents for the first time, how awkward he’d felt going through the motions for their Hanukkah traditions. He set his book down. His heart swelled as he watched Ira attach the mistletoe to the ceiling, returning the holiday favor. Perhaps their blended faiths could work, after all. Then Ira’s jeans dropped and something else of Chris’s swelled.
“Is that holly?” Chris asked in a hushed tone.
Ira smiled wickedly. “It is.”
“It’s hung with care,” Chris said, admiring the strapping Jew perched so dangerously before him. “You don’t know how much it means to me that you’re embracing the spirit of Christmas.”
“Ignoring its religious roots and misappropriating its traditional imagery for use on tawdry, novelty commercial items?”
“Yes,” Chris breathed, tears welling in his eyes as he took in the cheerful motif on Ira’s briefs.
“Merry Christmas,” Ira said with a wink. “Now go put on the Santa suit. Some of us have been naughty.”

“Mark looked over at Gary’s package and thought “Christmas is coming early this year!”

“Hey, Chris…I think you’re hanging that a bit low this year.”

“Billy looked down in horror as Tommy started pawing his underwear.  All he’d wanted to do was hint that he needed a new belt for Christmas!”

You promised to wait for Christmas!

My caption would be:

“Seriously, how often do any of us lose our pants and get a hard-on, while forming an almost perfectly equidistant isosceles triangle of space between another guy’s face and three lit candles—all while climbing a ladder to put up mistletoe?”

Mistletoe Madness in my Advent Calendar Balls indeed!

“Can’t you see I need a little help hanging this mistletoe?  Don’t just sit there staring as if my pants had fallen down and my holly-print underoos were showing…oh, right.”

This year kiss whatever you want under the mistletoe.

“Can I get some Eggnog to go with that Yule log?”

“Have a Holly Jolly Christmas!!”

“Can I polish those Christmas balls for you?”

Mistletoe, a simple solution for Angry Boner Man.

“A kiss under the ol’ twig and berries”

Ding Dong Merrily on High

mistletoe madness…....

when more than the stockings were hung.

Scrooge finds extra duties for Bob Cratchit at Christmas.

Xander finally quit the demon women and found someone who made him want chocolaty goodness for Christmas; he just hoped that he wasn’t being too subtle. All he knew for sure was that he was finally looking forward to being someone’s butt-monkey.

Johnny knew that now was the time to make his Christmas wish…for Fa-la-la-la-la-la-latio.

“Fundaroos in my Underoos”

“You’ve got my Yule Log burning”

“Jack Frost Nipping at my Dong.”

OMG - A Visit from St. Prickolas- BAHAHAHAHAHHAA

Fa-la-la-la-la-latio? Awesome, Edie. Could somebody get on trimming / rimming,  please? Stat.

“A Winter Vision in White (ty titghties)”

Ding Dong Merrily on High

AND

Can I get some Eggnog to go with that Yule log?

I am weeping with laughter. I have nothing to add. Nowhere else to go with this. The SB minions have outdone themselves. The collective genius represented here warms- dare I say it? Why, yes, I do. Warms my cockles.

How about this:

“It was then that Jeff realized that Doug’s offer to do his laundry had been more than just a neighborly gesture of friendship. That special brand of bleach he used really did make things whiter than white.”

Happy Hornidays,folks!:)

“Jingle balls, jingle balls, jingle all the way!”

“Um…when I said I wanted a joy stick for Christmas, I meant for my XBox 360.”

“Here let me help you hold the holly while you hang the mistletoe.”

Spamword: through39 - I’m through cause my 39 other ideas were already taken!

He is totaly going to shoot his eye out!

THIS is what Santa brings the naughty boys…

“Only one thing in the world could’ve dragged Chris away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window.”
(Another nod to A Christmas Story)

More junk for Christmas

“No, no, the lyrics are ‘Up on the rooftop / Click, click, click’!”

******************************************
Next comes the stocking
Of little Will
Oh, just see what
A glorious fill
Here is a hammer
And lots of tacks
Also a ball
And a whip that cracks

Ho, ho, ho!
Who wouldn’t go!
Ho, ho, ho!
Who wouldn’t go!
Up on the rooftop
Click, click, click
Down thru the chimney with
Good Saint Nick

Seriously, those are the ACTUAL LYRICS.

“If that’s holly I’d expect a lot more pricks.”

or

“Awww. Want me kiss it, make it bigger?”

Pants-less puppeteer charged with indecent exposure

(Sorry, I just read this and couldn’t resist!)

By the way, love TonyC’s “More junk for Christmas”!

Love-drops on his face
And Ira in undies
With a huge boner,
It’s time to be naughty.
Thinking of Ira all tied up in strings.
These were a few of his favorite things.

Not really a caption, but if this is an advent calendar, I can’t wait to see what you open on Christmas!

Angels, Frahm the Realms of Glory

Thanks to Stuart’s years of experience stuffing mannequins in the better men’s department at Marshall Field’s, the stockings weren’t the only thing hung with care that day.

***

“Your package?” Craig started to say. “Which one?” But his voice trailed off in surprise when he realized what Brad really meant.

“You saw Daddy kissing NO ONE.  Understand?”

“Who needs a dick in a box when you’ve got a package like that!”

Wow…I guess now would be a really awkward time to explain to that I’m his long lost twin brother ......

So that’s where the yule log went…

Though it was chilly, Gary could only be thankful for the wicked winter wind that not only pulled Adams pants down and sweater up, but brought along a convenient spotlight to highlight the best Christmas package under the tree.

See the blazing yule before us….falalalalalalala
drop your brief it’s time for coitus…falalalalalalala

“Hmm. Thanks Bill, but honestly, Jack’s candy cane was bigger….”

Steven had been searching for an in-your-face Christmas present for Michael, and that morning, while pulling on his most festive undies and planning his annual holiday decorating extravaganza, he had a sudden strike of inspiration.

Some presents just beg to be unwrapped on Christmas Eve.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ME!!!!!

“Wow, either my best friend is gay or he’s just happy to see me.”

I know we are all having fun here, but does anybody actually find this cover attractive or erotic?