Bitchin' Blog Posts
Caption That Cover: Duck Shack Edition
by SB Sarah | by SB Sarah | March 22, 2011 | Tuesday at 12:10 pm | 129 CommentsYou know, when I saw the Blue Flames of Naked Man Ass cover, I didn’t think anything could top it for sheer transfixing silliness. Then there was Crop Circles and the Mystery Stare. And I didn’t think that a more bizarre collection of images could be found. Then, while hunting (huh) for Duck!, one of the DABWAHA reader nominees, I found this piece of excellent:
WOW. The ‘stache! The hair! The sweatshirt! The perm! THE NAME ON HER SWEATSHIRT. I love all thing Balloony.
So you guessed it: time to Caption That Cover. What’s the blurb? What are they saying? What’s with the slightly unimpressive yet suggestive lighthouse? Why are there glowing children emerging from her mom jeans riding a bicycle in an unsafe manner? What in the name of home perms is going on here?!
Best caption in the comments will win $25 to the bookstore of your choice - and as usual you have 24 hours. Standard disclaimers apply: I’m not being compensated for this giveaway. Void where prohibited. Perm at your own risk. Hey, where’s Perry?
Bring it on, y’all - what’s going on up there?!
Filed: Caption This Cover, General Bitching
Tagged: wtfery, won't someone think of the children, mystery, giveaway, caption that cover, awesomesauce
Andee said on 03.22.11 at 12:40 PM • [link]
Oh, I’ll think of a caption in a moment but attention must be paid to this cover RIGHT NOW. This cover makes me want to go find my Chic jeans…
Deadline Hell said on 03.22.11 at 12:45 PM • [link]
One ‘stash to rule them all
One ‘stash to find them
One ‘stash to bring them all and in the mom jeans bind them
In the land of the Duck Shack, where giant yellow sperm fly
Andee said on 03.22.11 at 01:18 PM • [link]
For Michael, it started out like all his other abduction/ritual killings. But once he got Pam to the lighthouse, the rest of his plan went up in hot air. Her curly hair, her full…balloons. Could a serial killer turn in his date rapey mustache and take a chance on love?
Notsurewho said on 03.22.11 at 01:19 PM • [link]
I….want to say something about ‘hot air’ but I don’t know what….
“Caught in the trade winds, their love was soaring to new heights. But, would it be strong enough to survive the altitude of ....their duck shack agreement.”
And someone… ‘needs’ to combine mustache rides and the ‘ballooney tune’ of a deflating balloon… please ^^
Works76… That is probably an accurate assessment of how much work I have to do.
Sarah W said on 03.22.11 at 01:31 PM • [link]
You’re a Phineas and Ferb fan, too?! It’s one of the few shows our entire family likes. “Whatcha doing?” has become a family thing, though my MIL prefers, “Oh, there you are, Perry!”
“Farrah released the ballon, where it would take flight to the ultimate heights before exploding from the cold lack of oxygen and plummeting, shriveled and trailing its broken cord, to the unforgiving ground—just like their love.”
Wow. Sorry. Maybe it’s the mustache . . .
Chrisbookarama said on 03.22.11 at 01:43 PM • [link]
I got me a bike that seats about twenty, so hurry up and bring your jukebox money.
The Duck Shack is a little old place where we can get together. Duck Shack, bay-bee!
Ellie said on 03.22.11 at 01:49 PM • [link]
“You stay classy, Duck Shack.”
Andee said on 03.22.11 at 02:00 PM • [link]
David was pretty sure he loved Misty, but knowing that her dyslexia manifested into her writing “D"s in place of “F"s could have saved them from a LOT of frustrating misunderstandings…
Tin CC-Ong said on 03.22.11 at 02:04 PM • [link]
Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight
gonna grab some afternoon delight.
Chelsea said on 03.22.11 at 02:20 PM • [link]
The Duck Shack is a little old place
where we can get together
Duck Shack baby! Duck Shack bay-bee!
(Duck Shack…Duck Shack…)
Duck Shack, that’s where it’s at!
Notsurewho said on 03.22.11 at 02:28 PM • [link]
Due to a freak balloon hunting accident, and a night that he will never remember in the Duck Shack, Jim has finally been reunited with his childhood sweetheart.
He remembered the joy Sarah once got from riding his bike… now he hoped to give Sarah a new type of joy and to show her just what mustaches were really for…
Darlene Marshall said on 03.22.11 at 02:36 PM • [link]
@Chelsea—you beat me to it. Now I have a new earworm to replace Katy Perry’s “ET” as I’m trying to write.
rebeccaj said on 03.22.11 at 02:56 PM • [link]
With a ‘stache like that, he’s GOT to be a cop!
Kerry Allen said on 03.22.11 at 03:19 PM • [link]
I vote for Andee.
*mops up Pepsi spew*
Jennifer Armintrout said on 03.22.11 at 03:21 PM • [link]
Nope. Can’t do it. Too many things to snark. Brain overheating.
All I can think is that they’re releasing that balloon as an act of saying goodbye to their children, who were tragically killed when out riding their bike.
CupK8 said on 03.22.11 at 03:24 PM • [link]
As Hank inhaled deeply the lush, chemical scent of her hair, the world around them exploded into vibrant color. Misty’s peal of girlish laughter led him forward onto a rainbow of light and sound where she waited for him, her eyes expectant, large and glassy. Together they rode on their Bicycle of Love up, up with the balloons into the sky.
———————
Seriously, perm chemicals are surely the next gateway drug. Also, I have the Willy Wonka song stuck in my head. “Come with me…. and you’ll be.. in a world of pure imagination…”
Gemma said on 03.22.11 at 03:26 PM • [link]
I have to know… what on Earth is this book about?!
Andee said on 03.22.11 at 03:29 PM • [link]
I think I know what the Duck Shack Agreement is: I won’t touch your Aqua Net if you leave my Brylcreem alone. We share the Gee! Your Hair Smells Terrific.
Cara McKenna / Meg Maguire said on 03.22.11 at 03:34 PM • [link]
Randy had convinced Cassidy to let go of the misshapen yellow balloon…but could he ever convince her to let go of the ghostly, miniature memory-children who haunted her nether region?
Mama Nice said on 03.22.11 at 03:45 PM • [link]
I totally want to see this as one of those real life re-creations of romance novel covers:
http://www.oliandalex.com/mills-boon/
Props to Andee - that was ducking awesome.
In all honesty I’m fairly creeped out by this cover. The ghostly spectre of the Dick&Jane;-esque kids on the bike make me think the Duck Shack agreement will one day show up on an episode of Criminal Minds: couple uses balloon business as a way to lure unsuspecting children to their doom at their hidden shack. It’s their ritual of commemorating each murder by releasing a yellow balloon to float out across the water that ultimately gets them caught.
Abby said on 03.22.11 at 03:52 PM • [link]
As two perfect miniature children rode forth from Debbie’s womb, she and Carl gazed longingly at The Golden Sperm, wondering when it would return and grant them more miniature children for their circus act.
Cathy said on 03.22.11 at 04:01 PM • [link]
As Nick embraced Cara, he realized that he’d forgotten to bring condoms on their weekend getaway. Good thing he was dating a woman with a balloon fetish!
Jennifer P said on 03.22.11 at 04:08 PM • [link]
I keep trying to come up with a clever caption, but I just can’t seem to get past that effing title!
When Vernon built his floating bicycle and invited Mindy for a ride, they had no way of knowing they would end up trapped for decades on the Isle of Bad ‘80s Fashion. Now they only have one chance of escape: a message Mindy had hidden in a balloon. As Vernon watched it float away he smiled for he knew the balloon was empty - no way was he giving up his ‘stache and mock turtleneck sweater!
Lynn M said on 03.22.11 at 04:09 PM • [link]
Double win to Andee. Geez, my eyes are watering.
MarieC said on 03.22.11 at 04:11 PM • [link]
I nearly fell off my chair, laughing at the dude’s porn ‘stache, then at ‘Deadline Hell’s’ Caption!
@ Deadline: Kudos to you!
Cheryl said on 03.22.11 at 04:13 PM • [link]
The Duck Shack Agreement, covering everything from bike rides to moustache rides.
JenD said on 03.22.11 at 04:16 PM • [link]
He has to be so calm inside. There is only phrase that could possibly counteract the sheer holycrapballs craziness that is this scene:
That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.
Kelriia Frettlar said on 03.22.11 at 04:17 PM • [link]
“As ninety-nine yellow balloons go by…”
jennifer said on 03.22.11 at 04:17 PM • [link]
Dorothy Zbornak knew it was time to let go Stan, just like one of his stupid novelty balloons, but first, they had to work together to find their son Michael who ran off with the slutty neighbor girl.
Jeannie said on 03.22.11 at 04:24 PM • [link]
Pam: “See, Rick. I knew you were full of hot air when you said this sweatshirt was a good idea.”
Rick: “Oh, Pam, that was my last condom and the fumes wafting off your new perm is making me hallucinate our unwanted children bicycling out of your vagina.”
Pam: “Now worries, hon. Since I work at Balloony Tunes, I have a whole pocket full. Now let’s go explore that lighthouse and you can make that mustache useful!”
spookymoon said on 03.22.11 at 04:27 PM • [link]
when i saw the permed hair, i instantaneously went, ‘JUST LET YOUR SOOOOOUL GLOOOOOOOW!’ anyone else?
the ‘stache, the perm, the tacky sweater - - with your powers combined, I am Captain 80s!
Jonah Gibson said on 03.22.11 at 04:34 PM • [link]
“Don’t get me wrong, Hon, I think you’re perfect just the way you are. I just think breast implants would help you sell more balloons in your Ballooney Tunes store.”
D.L. said on 03.22.11 at 04:40 PM • [link]
Has anyone read this?! It has one of those ridiculous back blurbs that makes you even more confused about wtf it’s about:
One plus one equaled three… — It was a match made in heaven. Rachel Bennett and Brian Tate loved each other; he adored her young daughter. The Oregon coastline was an idyllic place to live, and Rachel’s balloon delivery service was booming. What more could a person want? — The Duck Shack Agreement! It wasn’t ominous—just a simple arrangement between two consenting adults. It was drawn up on the shore of a peaceful lake, with not a second thought in mind. That is until life became a little more complicated than expected ... and the rules suddenly became a little harder to play by.
O.o huh?
Emily D said on 03.22.11 at 04:42 PM • [link]
All I can think of at this time is poor Doofenshmirtz and how Balloony found someone new.
Here is my attempt:
Hal laughed when he realized Eileen misunderstood his speech about “loving something and setting it free”. How was he going to get rid of her now?
Marguerite Kaye said on 03.22.11 at 04:43 PM • [link]
“Rubber balloons!” the kids squealed excitedly. Dirk was only too happy to oblige. He decided to use his left hand. Much larger than his right, he knew the enormous fingers would play delightful balloony tunes on Brandy’s heaving headlands. The duck house agreement was forgotten, all bets off. If he couldn’t indulge his dark avian passion, by fair means of fowl, he would just have to ruffle Brandy’s feathers instead
Maya S said on 03.22.11 at 04:53 PM • [link]
Delia is the president of the Burt Reynolds fan club.
Marc has a balloon fetish.
What happens when a freak bike riding accident strands the two at a shack surrounded by duck ponds?
Find out in…The Duck Shack Agreement
LizW65 said on 03.22.11 at 05:02 PM • [link]
“I’ll take ‘All Things Ballooney’ for $800, please, Alex.”
Barbara said on 03.22.11 at 05:05 PM • [link]
Burt’s pained expression said it all: would Cindy ever realize he wasn’t from around here? If their miniature glowing kids hadn’t been enough of a clue, his giant floating sperm should have set off alarms. Her insistence that they were “balloons” was beginning to get on his nerves.
Suzanne said on 03.22.11 at 05:08 PM • [link]
I can’t decide between Deadline Hell and Andee’s serial killer…they both get my vote! Hilarious!
Jayne said on 03.22.11 at 05:14 PM • [link]
Maybe it’s because the cover is so 80’s, but for some reason I see this and I hear the Reading Rainbow theme. So my caption is set to “Reading Rainbow.”
Mustache ride in the skyyyyy
Balloons go twice as hiiiiigghh
Want to f***?
Well you’re in luck!
It’s in the Duck Shack (in the Duck Shack!)
Scrin said on 03.22.11 at 05:14 PM • [link]
You know you’re a lousy date when even your Real Doll’s smile is looking exceptionally fake and she’s making indications of wang-length with her fingers. Not very big indications, either.
May this man be haunted by Aeschologia and Anacoluthon, the twin spirits of Boner-death. Oh, wait, he already is…
Tee said on 03.22.11 at 05:15 PM • [link]
Who knew that that innocent ride on his bicycle all those years ago would lead to the rocky cliffs of paradise, with soaring hearts on a yellow balloon? Now he is ready to give her a different kind of ride, when they meet again at the local *uck shack.
Scrin said on 03.22.11 at 05:15 PM • [link]
...Actually, that could just be
“You know you’re a lousy date when even your Real Doll’s smile looks exceptionally fake.”
jayhjay said on 03.22.11 at 05:19 PM • [link]
Though they had grown up from when they were just two kids on a bike, Sally and Bill still know how to have a balloony good time!
Tee said on 03.22.11 at 05:21 PM • [link]
He was a local game warden, she was a successful entrepreneur. Could they make a life together when his needed the forest and following the ducks, and hers needed party planning? Maybe with the help of local school kids Amy and Andy to show them the way - a science fair project to study ducks with balloons may be the be experiment to bring them together.
riwally said on 03.22.11 at 05:21 PM • [link]
With just a little more finesse, Jerk, errr, uh Dirk would make it to first base. Then, on to second, and then Holy HooHa, Batman….third base!!!
Natalie Decker said on 03.22.11 at 05:22 PM • [link]
Dad tells us that after the bike crash in ‘65, mom was never quite the same…
Jayne said on 03.22.11 at 05:23 PM • [link]
Or, if this were a summer action blockbuster:
In a world where love is against the law . . . and are radioactive . . . Jack Stache is fighting back.
One woman.
One balloon.
One chance.
In bookstores July 1982.
Jayne said on 03.22.11 at 05:24 PM • [link]
Durr, that would be “children are radioactive.” Nice editing skillz here.
Lady T said on 03.22.11 at 05:28 PM • [link]
Their agreement was to consume their love of Duck Dodgers in the 24 1/2 Century up on a TIN ROOF! Rusted!!
LeslieB said on 03.22.11 at 05:39 PM • [link]
Frozen into position by the chemical melding of his Grecian Formula-treated mustache and her high percentage peroxide perm, Jill pasted a happy smile on her face while secretly she mourned for the children they could never conceive.
Overquoted said on 03.22.11 at 05:41 PM • [link]
‘Your perfect 80’s life is just a balloon release away!’
spookymoon said on 03.22.11 at 05:42 PM • [link]
possibly the last comment for me… we dont know…
Charles knew that Margo would acquiesce to him soon. After all, she finally let go of those damn balloons… See what happens when a woman with a fetish for latex and a man with a porno ‘stache make an agreement concerning BDSM at the Duck Shack!
Lina said on 03.22.11 at 05:47 PM • [link]
Sorry, but in my book nothing beats “and in the mom jeans bind them.”
spookymoon said on 03.22.11 at 05:55 PM • [link]
Nope! Just one more out of me!
From their chemical induced haze they watched the pretty balloon fly way. Her drug of choice was sniffing the ammonium thioglycolate in her hair, he, of course, had a near permanent high from the ‘Just for Men’ dye in his mustache. But when they saw the minature children ride a bicycle out from Shelley’s womb, they knew that the duck shack agreement was going south.
Amberly said on 03.22.11 at 06:08 PM • [link]
I thought for sure the title was a crop job (fake) and then followed the link to amazon. Holy smokes, which editor thought that was a good title ?
VandyJ said on 03.22.11 at 06:10 PM • [link]
Mary had been warned, but she couldn’t resist the lure of Jon and his Duck Shack.
helen said on 03.22.11 at 06:19 PM • [link]
So THAT’s where the squeeker last night went. Great idea honey, power the balloons with Ass Gas.
Lovecow2000 said on 03.22.11 at 06:27 PM • [link]
After ending their childhood feud over the red bicycle with the famous “Duck Shack Agreement,” Dick and Jane meet once a year to release a yellow balloon.
... I got next to nothing here. Can’t pull out a double entendre despite the lighthouse, mustache and balloon. For some reason my earworm is 99 Luftballons even though the color is all wrong.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9whehyybLqU
Marguerite Kaye said on 03.22.11 at 06:28 PM • [link]
“Remember when I used to let you ride on my handlebar when we were kids, Tabetha?”
“How could I forget when I have to live with an image of those far-off days jutting bizzarely from between my thighs. What’s your point, Dwane?”
“I grew this baby,” Dwane rasped, twirling his luxuriant mustache suggestively, “so we could play the adult version.”
“Have you forgotton about the duck house agreement?”
“You shag one duck…........”
Lovecow2000 said on 03.22.11 at 06:29 PM • [link]
He wanted red bicycle for the safe word; she wanted balloony tunes. Finally they agreed upon “Duck Shack.”
StarOpal said on 03.22.11 at 06:36 PM • [link]
I… I’m too in awe of the insanity of the cover to caption. I just wanted to say that my life is a little more complete from having seen it. Though it may give me nightmares.
Are we sure those’re supposed to be children on the bike? Their proportions are like disturbing, the “boy” has no neck.
Wendy said on 03.22.11 at 06:55 PM • [link]
Holy crap, this guy looks like Lui Passaglia, longtime kicker for the CFL’s BC Lions, when he was a mite younger. Best photo I could find, here.
Evilly, I am contemplating how best to use this post to start a rumour that Lui posed for romance novel covers in his youth…
kathleen said on 03.22.11 at 07:15 PM • [link]
He knew any woman who nicknamed her uterus “the duck shack” would have no problem birthing large, healthy babies…but the bike was impressive.
ashley said on 03.22.11 at 07:17 PM • [link]
“That’s right Julie, just concentrate on the balloon, and all of your mental health issues will fly away with it. No dear, concentrate harder, you’re still imagining glowing children”
Melissa said on 03.22.11 at 07:17 PM • [link]
For some reason I can’t help but think the guy is probably a bit of a perv, so here’s my caption:
“Amy had never been very bright - when they were children, she found simply leaning against a bike to be endlessly entertaining. Over the years, chemicals from her perms had only made things worse. Luckily, Mike had never been interested in her for her brains. Now, if the balloon could just distract her for a little longer, he figured he might be able to cop a feel.”
Rachel Savage said on 03.22.11 at 07:45 PM • [link]
“Hey baby, how about we introduce my duck to your balloons and see where we can float off to.”
or
He knew it was only a matter of time. His masters, the Killer Clowns from Outerspace, had sent him to find a new delivery system for their balloon cages. This Balloony Tuney woman would be the perfect front - and one more session with the ‘stache would make her his to control. Just as soon as he figured out how to get rid of the glowing children ... but that’s what the shack out by the duck pond was for.
At least, that’s what it said in his agreement if he didn’t want his masters to eat him.
include97—really close, cept it’s 99 Luft Balloons (and now some of you share the joy of having that song stuck in your heads =P)
Nicole K said on 03.22.11 at 07:47 PM • [link]
John took his whole ‘Andrew McCarthy phase’ a little too literally. And realized that next time he would dress her in something that said ‘Lady in Red’ not ‘Golden Girls.’
P.F. Bruns said on 03.22.11 at 07:47 PM • [link]
First, I’m right here! (I know, I’m not a platypus, but my first name really is Perry.)
On to the cover:
“Enjoy this, honey. It’s the only release you’re getting this entire vacation.”
“Little did anyone know the Tri-state Blackout of 2011 could have been traced back to one yellow helium balloon shorting overhead power lines…”
“Just as the kids rode by, the suspect grabbed Jane from behind, which caused her to let go of her balloon.”
“When the bike started to glow and levitate, Sue Ann confessed to Joe that the first time she had visited the Duck Shack, there had been an extraterrestrial visitor with a bulbous head and the most awesome index finger she had ever seen…”
Veronica D. said on 03.22.11 at 07:54 PM • [link]
Bill’s March Madness Moustache would prove to be the key to their love. Sally first met him mistaking him for a pedophile at her children’s park, but then found that he too was an avid Balooney Tunes fan. From there their love would continue until their mysterious encounter with their favorite character Yellow Mellow Balloon in Duck Shack Lighthouse.
blownaway said on 03.22.11 at 08:05 PM • [link]
I don’t want to burst any balloonys here, but I blew up the cover pic and the kid on the bike looks suspiciously like a schnauzer pooch and not a kid. Of course a duck would have been better pick, considering their standing agreement.
That is almost the worst cover. Ever.
Ben P said on 03.22.11 at 08:17 PM • [link]
Terminator V:
The Stepford Apocalypse
- My caption for the cover.
Srsly & OMG: Just look at their empty eyes, her robotic, soulless gaze into the distance, the maniacal expressions on the kid’s faces and the guy’s shudderingly dorky grin.
You just know that there are frikkin’ andoids behind those faces. Damn, that cover completely melted my brain. I’m off to poke myself in the eye with a chopstick to relieve the pain.
Kathlyn said on 03.22.11 at 08:18 PM • [link]
The Duck Shack Agreement: If by the time we are thirty neither of us has been hired as a Love Boat extra, we will open a balloon-o-gram company.
Ben P said on 03.22.11 at 08:23 PM • [link]
And a pox on all of you for ever lowering the bar by mentioning the porn ‘stache.
The fact that he actually resembles a horrible actor - or so I have heard - from said genre makes it even worse.
image word:
out99.
- I’m not even going to go there.
Tamara Hogan said on 03.22.11 at 08:27 PM • [link]
Um, wow.
Are the children recently deceased? Are Moustache Man and Balloon Babe memorializing them by releasing a balloon bouquet? Is the Duck Shack actually a small-town crematorium or funeral home?
Did the Village People call and ask for that moustache back? Will any Harlequin editor crawl out of the woodwork and admit to giving this book its epic title?
Chicklet said on 03.22.11 at 08:38 PM • [link]
Luckily, the International Olympic Committee was unable to test athletes for hallucinogens in 1972, otherwise Mark Spitz would have had to give up all seven of his gold medals. And the entire stock of Ballooney Tunes wouldn’t have been enough to make up for it.
DeBORah V. said on 03.22.11 at 08:42 PM • [link]
As soon as Mary Beth Ru’Ber saw Maverick Quail’s nimble fingers at work shaping, molding, contouring, breathing life into an otherwise flaccid tube she knew she wanted him on her team—even if it meant a trip to the Duck Shack.
Chickl said on 03.22.11 at 08:44 PM • [link]
Sorry, couldn’t resist doing another one:
Lagging behind both No Strings Attached and Friends with Benefits at the box office, the producers of The Duck Shack Agreement were forced to admit that Creep O’Pornstache and Cheekbones McMomjeans were no Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman.
Kinaheso said on 03.22.11 at 08:48 PM • [link]
I now have the theme song to the 90’s children’s show Duck Tales stuck in my head. It amused me how some of the lyrics worked well with the cover.
I’m not entering the contest, because the words are most definitely not mine, I just felt like sharing. :D
Lyrics from Ducktales:
D-D-D-Danger! Watch behind you
There’s a stranger out to find you
What to do? Just grab on to some ...
DuckTales (oooh ooooh)
Every day they’re out there making
DuckTales (oooh ooooh)
Tales of daring do bad and good
LuckTales (oooh ooooh)
Youtube video to the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=frGLMtGsotc
Deadline Hell said on 03.22.11 at 08:53 PM • [link]
Word.
Barb in Maryland said on 03.22.11 at 09:05 PM • [link]
No comment for the contest—the best ones are already up, I believe.
However—this is yet another cover using celebrities (without their knowledge) as cover models. That’s obviously Chad Everett and Geena Davis. Or at least that is who I see when I look at it!
Wylykat said on 03.22.11 at 09:19 PM • [link]
Who know that riding through the glowing portal on their bike would land them in a future land where the 80s still rule and the only way out was a rare duck shack agreement…
LisaM said on 03.22.11 at 09:37 PM • [link]
@Barb in Maryland - Thank God someone else sees it! My 1st thought was “Tell me that’s not Geena Davis?!?” I didn’t realize it was Chad Everett right away but you’re right about that one too.
Carol said on 03.22.11 at 09:41 PM • [link]
Man: “Forget your yellow balloon darling, let’s go to the duck shack and make some babies who don’t mind sharing a bike one day!”
Woman: “I can’t stop gazing at the balloon to join you.”
Francesca too said on 03.22.11 at 09:42 PM • [link]
Her dreams of long ago have come true. His right arm is finally as long as his left.
crow girl said on 03.22.11 at 09:50 PM • [link]
Oh my gawd. There is so MUCH weirdness going on in that one SMALL picture. (I couldn’t resist doing the whole back cover synopsis.)
A Lonely Man
Jethro was trapped in a dark, dismal place. Ever since his young wife threw herself into the ocean, he lived alone in the small lighthouse that he shared with his pet ducks. If only Beth-Anne could have understood his obsessions with water fowl and with hair care products…
The Right Woman
Carla should have been miserable, but she refused to give up. When her husband Brad died in a tragic perm accident, she lost not only her life partner and her salon business, but her sister Melody as well. Caring for Melody’s conjoined twins Candy and Sandy has kept Carla alive; bringing them for bike rides near the beach has kept her sane; and taking over her sister’s small gift shop has brought a new passion into her life: helium balloons. The only thing still missing was the love of a good man.
In a Place Near to his Heart … and to his Pants
When a scowling Jethro prevented a bike-riding menace from plowing into his feathered friends, he met their aunt and knew it was fate. Carla was the first woman to stir Jethro’s passions in over a decade. Not only did she share hair care tips and grooming shears, she was the one woman who could persuade him to move his beloved ducks out of the bedroom and into his shed.
Now if he could just convince her to marry him ... and to stop releasing balloons into the wild. (He was certain they would kill the ducks.)
(Yeah, I know, one of the kids is obviously a boy – but it looks like they have 3 legs.)
Notsurewho said on 03.22.11 at 10:02 PM • [link]
Movember was coming to an end and, in the name of prostate cancer awareness, Brad would soon have to shave his ‘stache… and Susan would return to her job at the high altitude radio station ‘ballooney tunes” but, until then they had decided to enjoy their time remaining here, duck hunting in Maine.
They had both agreed during their time in the shack, which conveniently doubled as a lighthouse, that balloons weren’t a very successful duck hunting weapon and that next year they should, maybe, bring guns.
(They had also agreed that Brad should try for the Handlebar mustashe next Movember, as Susan had come to realise she liked the ‘stache, as it reminded her of those summers she’d spent cycling as a child.)
heathero said on 03.22.11 at 10:39 PM • [link]
“Oh Chuck, I hope this balloon-launched S.O.S. brings us help against the plot moppets.”
KiriDeathstalker said on 03.22.11 at 10:45 PM • [link]
As Melissa and Clyde released the balloon, Melissa felt a strange sensation between her thighs. She knew then that the Three Nippled Fortune Teller had been right. “Find the mystical Soup Strainer, release this balloon near the Duck Shack and you shall have the kids you want.”
Now why the hell were they half grown and on a bicycle?
Diva said on 03.22.11 at 10:57 PM • [link]
In The Duck Shack Agreement, Dwayne must surrender his disbelief in Donna’s clairvoyance…despite the unlikely name of her psychic consultant business (ballooney tunes)
Look! Down below, the pair of us as carefree children in the past, and up above, it’s us riding in a wheelchair together at the nursing home! Our whole future is visible to me!
crow girl said on 03.22.11 at 11:10 PM • [link]
@ KiriDeathstalker
You had me at Three Nippled Fortune Teller.
Anony Miss said on 03.22.11 at 11:22 PM • [link]
Oh Jayne’s Reading Rainbow… Oh my keyboard!! FTW!
Apey said on 03.22.11 at 11:31 PM • [link]
Sidebar: the guy on that cover looks EXACTLY like one of the local TV news anchors out here. ‘Stache and all. Perhaps he has a secret past as a romance cover model?
Katie Drake said on 03.22.11 at 11:39 PM • [link]
Randy had no idea that one drunken night in a duck shack would bind him to the Perm Queen and her creepy mini children for the rest of eternity.
Robin Bayne said on 03.22.11 at 11:42 PM • [link]
“Catch that sperm—it’s getting away!”
Ellie said on 03.22.11 at 11:51 PM • [link]
Harry deeply regretted the recent Quidditch blow to the mouth that caused the enchanted bike to misunderstand his directions - who knew when he would next have the opportunity to seduce Ginny?
Robin said on 03.23.11 at 12:04 AM • [link]
“Tell me about the rabbits, George.”
Becca said on 03.23.11 at 12:10 AM • [link]
Evil Mustachioed Villian: MUAHAHAHA Now that I got that pesky magical balloon out of her hand, she will be my mannequin forever!!! I shall add her to my collection!
*cops arrest him, hero’s kiss turns her forever human*
EMV: DRAT! I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling radio active kids!!
Creepy Child 1 and 2: Come play with us! You can ride the handle bars!!!
EMV: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! *pees pants*
The End
Sophie T said on 03.23.11 at 12:13 AM • [link]
Aww, honey, let me cop a feel! You know how much I love Looney Tunes!
Madd said on 03.23.11 at 12:35 AM • [link]
As a child, Cliff loved playing with his life sized ventriloquist’s dummy, Annie, so much that he took her everywhere he went. As an adult, he’d graduated to a real doll whom he named Annie after his childhood companion. If only he’d known when he bought that Ballooney Tunes sweatshirt that a spirit was anchored to it. Cliff is disconcerted when his love doll comes to life, he’s never had much luck with the ladies, but discomfort soon becomes distress as Cliff begins to suspect that the spirit inhabiting his beloved Annie might not bee all that sane.
Lindsay C. said on 03.23.11 at 12:51 AM • [link]
Her shirt said “Ballooney Tunes”, but her hair said “I can withstand an F5 tornado”. Can a mustachioed gentleman make her forget of children from balloons past? Or will a hot steamy Duck Shack night make her dreams of ghostly children a reality? Only time and one deeply stereotyped 80s romance can tell….
Or -
Hey baby, can my mustache tickle your ballooney tunes?
Anne D said on 03.23.11 at 01:06 AM • [link]
You’re kidding right? No one’s gone here yet?? Yay for me and crass, gross humor:
“I swear George, if it’s not just like a duck penis, I’m just not interested.”
“The great big, hairy caterpillar on my lip agrees with me here, Mary Sue, you’re balloony tunes!.... and just what does a duck penis look like anyway? ” George did a quick recon down his pants to double check all was in order. Everything was still the usual sausage shape.
“There! Just like that coiled balloon string right there. That’s what I want…. that’s what I NEED, George.” Mary Sue sighed wistfully. “A regular old straight cock just doesn’t fill all my nooks and crannies…It’s…it’s…” She sighed again. “...never curly enough.”
“But I love you, Mary Sue! You are my one true - and maybe slightly off your rocker - true love. Can’t we make this work..?” George remembered the days of glorious bike riding as children; the heady days of summer days before he found out about Mary Sue’s forays to the Duck Shack, and the perverted desires she satisfied there. The desires his swings-a-bit-to-the-left 8 inches wouldn’t satisfy. Why couldn’t things stay just the way they were? “Mary Sue?”
“Yes, George?”
“Will you stay with me in my teeny, tiny lighthouse on the headland if I let you go to the Duck Shack once a week? I’ll do my straight-cocked, overactive-tongue best to provide you all the passion I can on the other 6 days…Please say you’ll stay with me my balloony-tuned-pillion-riding-princess.” George grabbed Mary Sue’s shoulders and spun her to face him and let his love show. “Please…please, stay”
“Oh! Oh George!” Mary Sue threw herself into George’s arms and kissed him. And as her tongue fought with George’s in that frantic kiss, Mary Sue wondered how she, of all the Mallard girls, had managed to find what her Momma had said was an impossibility… a man who understood her need for curly cock.
Adriana said on 03.23.11 at 01:09 AM • [link]
“Sherry knew that when she accidentally set free the last magic fashion balloon her ghost children from the lighthouse brought her, she would probably have to go back to the 70s car wash with Roger and his sweaty, sweaty hands.”
Kaetrin said on 03.23.11 at 01:11 AM • [link]
Chad sighed with relief and held Mandy, his mannequin love, close to his heart. Only 3 more p0rn movies for the Duck Shack and he’d be able to buy the mannequin children to complete his perfect family.
Pam said on 03.23.11 at 01:11 AM • [link]
I got me some hair, it’s as big as a whale
and we’re headin’ on down to the Duck Shack
I’m sprayed an’ I’m feathered, I’m lookin’ like Farrah
Your lighthouse leaves me dry as the Sahara
The Duck Shack’s a ballooney ol’ place
Where we can blow together
Duck shack, baby
(A quick quack, baby)
Duck shack, baby, quick snack!
No crack, baby, love quack! (Oops!)
Bang, bang, bang, on the door, baby
(Quack a little louder, baby)
Bang, bang, bang my balloons, baby
(I can’t hear you….)
elph said on 03.23.11 at 01:16 AM • [link]
I didn’t even realize this was a thing, but apparently it’s a valid business model:
http://www.ehow.com/how_5037966_start-balloon-delivery-service.html
I guess people don’t want to embarrass themselves with helium in their own homes anymore.
Gillian said on 03.23.11 at 01:21 AM • [link]
The many careers of Geraldo Rivera.
Adriana said on 03.23.11 at 01:23 AM • [link]
According to Section 1B1D.46A of the Duck Shack Agreement, both parties are required to release one (1) balloon within sight of Uncle Krinkle’s Lighthouse during the rare lunar event known as the Bicycler Eclipse.
Kecen Zhou said on 03.23.11 at 01:49 AM • [link]
As the duck shack, buoyed by the bouquet of balloons they’d tied to it, lifted into the air, carrying with it a time capsule of their treasured memories and worries, they waved it farewell, not noticing the quacks for help coming from within the ancient timbers. A stray balloon lagged behind, trying its best to catch up with its balloon brethren, two tiny children emerged from the fly of Melissa’s pants, and halfway around the world, it rained cans of hairspray and candy icing.
Amitatuq said on 03.23.11 at 01:52 AM • [link]
Although they were both transfixed by her remarkable ability to release balloons, she felt compelled to point out that she was also able to shoot glowing children on bikes out of her magic hoo ha.
Emily said on 03.23.11 at 02:03 AM • [link]
A childhood promise made 20 years ago brings together Randy and Rebecca - but in the intervening years he has built a prosperous porn career and she can’t let go of a youthful obsession. Can they find a way to reconnect or must they let their spark of love drift away like a lost balloon?
had69 - Oh, Randy, you devil, you.
Emily said on 03.23.11 at 02:06 AM • [link]
Forgot something, sorry:
A childhood promise made 20 years ago brings together Randy and Rebecca - but in the intervening years he has built a prosperous porn career and she can’t let go of a youthful obsession. Can they find a way to reconnect at the Duck Shack or must they let their spark of love drift away like a lost balloon?
EbonyMcKenna said on 03.23.11 at 02:12 AM • [link]
I can’t breathe. This is too funny.
this cover is a complete what-the-duck-alanche.
Lynsey said on 03.23.11 at 02:14 AM • [link]
“See, honey? Giving birth standing up makes two mini-kids on a bicycle coming out much easier!”
“I WILL KILL YOU AND FEED YOUR MUSTACHE TO THOSE BRATS, YOU ASS.”
Marnie said on 03.23.11 at 02:34 AM • [link]
As children, Dick and Jane chased a red ball, played with Spot, and occasionally met in the duck shack where Dick would show Jane his if she would show him hers. But Jane wouldn’t let Dick touch her private bits, no not then. She put him off by making an agreement at the duck shack: when she released a yellow balloon, he could have at it.
Little did Dick know it would be 20 years of waiting. He could only hope all those years she spent inflating up balloons gave her great mouth muscles.
“Blow Jane, blow”. he thought.
Ann Somerville said on 03.23.11 at 02:57 AM • [link]
The Duck Shack - for Christian Vajazzling, just like Baby Jesus taught.
Rod [for you know his name is rod] and Vanna despair as Vanna releases the balloon - their only hope of releasing their accidentally Araldited dentures, gone.
But wait, two spunky children on bikes? Maybe if they attached a rope, and the kids pedal really hard….
All was not yet lost!
Notsurewho said on 03.23.11 at 03:19 AM • [link]
Not-an-entry
All I’ve been able to think about for the last while is the Tim Vine Joke…
“I was in a Chinese restaurant when a duck came up to me with a rose and said:
‘Your eyes sparkle like the stars’.
So I said to the waiter:
‘Excuse me, I ordered aromatic duck
JamesLynch said on 03.23.11 at 03:52 AM • [link]
“How is that balloon floating when it’s flat?”
“Nothing says romance like a porn-star mustache, a sexually suggestive sweatshirt, and a pair of kids that look like they were pasted onto the scene, despite its being a illustration anyway. Of course, all the ‘shrooms help enormously.”
“All the silliness is worth it, to get the free gifts from the heart that are inside.”
Nico Nico said on 03.23.11 at 04:19 AM • [link]
Everytime she wore that sweatshirt, he would slide his hand to her breast and squeeze it. “Meep meep, Ballooney Tunes.”
Maddie Grove said on 03.23.11 at 04:20 AM • [link]
Very few people know that this was the original cover for Stephen King’s It.
Mel L said on 03.23.11 at 04:38 AM • [link]
His sperm were yellow and inflatable. Children on bicycles kept appearing from out of her crotch. Together, they had a streak of exhibitionism which only allowed them to have “balooney time” in a duck shack…Look, weirder things than this happened in the 80’s all the time. Stop judging their love or that mustache will have a fashion resurgence.
Sandra said on 03.23.11 at 04:47 AM • [link]
The inhabitants of Duck Shack, Maine, thought widowed Mandy Tasmin was just about perfect. By day she was a purveyor of singing balloon messages, and by night she kept the lamps in the lighthouse aglow. It was a shame about her twins Daffy and Bugs, and that unfortunate genetic mutation that resulted when Mandy mixed off-brand perm and hair color while pregnant. She stuck with Lady Clairol now, but the damage was done. Still, Daffy and Bugs’ glow came in handy when the lights went out. But little did the townspeople know that, secretly, Mandy was really TAZ, the renowned helio-terrorist, releasing captive balloons into the wild, where they could fulfill their natural function of choking the local wildlife, and causing pilots to think they’d seen a UFO. (The pink hearts WERE really good for that.)
Sam Yosmite was a dedicated EPA inspector, who came to Duck Shack to investigate rumors that Mandy’s husband Porky had not been murdered, but poisoned himself on his illegal stash of cyclamate-sweetened diet sodas, smuggled across the border from Canada. He fell for Mandy, in her hand-painted sweatshirt and Gloria Vanderbilt jeans, like a ton of bricks. He was sworn to uphold the law. Could he look the other way while the woman he loved broke it? And how involved was she in the death of her husband? Was Daffy and Bug’s glow really the result of cheap perms, or was there a more sinister agent at work? And should he consider his cousin’s offer of work in the porn industry?
Can Mandy and Sam reach a DUCK SHACK AGREEMENT or will it be…. t-t-t-that’s all, folks?
nature23: there’s at least 23 way’s nature’s screwed up in this cover
VandyJ said on 03.23.11 at 05:25 AM • [link]
The magic of her Woohaa was evidenced by the biking kids, but the pornstache was proof of his mastery of the Duck Shack mystique.
SAM I Was, SAH I Am now.. said on 03.23.11 at 05:57 AM • [link]
Thinking the kids were lost in their tape deck players and having huffed one to many helium balloon, Dads joke about Mom riding a handlebar mustache later, ended up with a family trip to Sears. New bike for kids; no action for the adults. Good bye Balloon Shack, better luck next year.
Celeste Bradley said on 03.23.11 at 06:07 AM • [link]
And our mutual fart balloon shall carry our love out to the universe, where it shall live forever! And we shall sing OUR song…beans, beans, the magical fruit…
Kiwi said on 03.23.11 at 06:29 AM • [link]
Seeing some agreement a la My Best Friends Wedding
One afternoon while playing hooky from school, Lisa and Terry ride his bike to the old duck shack.
“Gee, Terry…if neither of us can find our one true love by the time we’re old, you know like 25, then we’ll marry each other.”
But, in the present 1985, Lisa is still seething after her second bitter divorce trial and Terry just buried his beloved wife.
Can these 2 rekindle their past love and save her beloved balloon shop before her relentless ex-husbands turned lovers make her dreams fly away??
Mary M said on 03.23.11 at 06:34 AM • [link]
Musical Implants Enhance Sexual Performance. WARNING: Consult Your Doctor If Tunes Continue For More Than Four Hours.
Renee said on 03.23.11 at 06:46 AM • [link]
As children, Joanna and Sam promised to love each other forever but were too soon separated and lost to each other. Now a successful used-car salesman, Sam has returned to find Joanna just the same sweet girl she always was. No, really, she has the mind of a 12 year old. Will love conquer their obvious intellectual differences? Will they be able to to keep [iThe Duck Shack Agreement]?
Steven said on 03.23.11 at 08:00 AM • [link]
As Sophie watched her matching mustard-colored balloon fade away, all she could think of was how badly she had wanted to escape Chester’s molesting grip ever since he trapped her on his bike.
anna said on 03.23.11 at 10:15 AM • [link]
Mad props to Nico Nico, Anne D, and Deadline Hell.
Bonded by love and hair products.
Cherry was saving the world, one balloon at a time. By harnessing the toxic gaseous by-products contained in the aerosols and processing chemicals she and Dan used on their hair, Cherry’s balloons stayed inflated far longer than the average, helium-filled variety. However, unfortunate side effects of huffing her balloons included freakishly luminescent skin in children, and massive vacuity of expression in adults.
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