Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

I Am My Own Twin Who is My Secret Belly Dancer.

That’s the best I can do this early in the morning with no coffee and on the way to the surgery center for one last time (we hope) for The Only’s eye. TGIF, Bitches!

spam word: born82 - why yes, I think 82 of these covers are born every day.

Does this hat make my butt look big?

Irrational Photoshop

That’s about all my brain can come up with at this late hour of the (Downunder) night.

Hey, baby, rub my ass and a genie comes out!

Her: (sounding very exasperated) Oh not this again. Why can’t he ever get the “protection” right?

Him: Huh? What’s wrong with my hat?

Impractical Protection. Who knew the phrase “use protection” could be taken so many ways…

Okay, I’m super sick and blame the medications for that one.
Spam Word: Easy 31, oh how I wish it were it were so.

What a baffling illustration.  Are hard hats fetish objects these days?  I can’t think why else he would be wearing one while otherwise naked.  Though I suppose he could have work boots on as well.

OW! My head hurts from popping out your butt!

or

Hey, the only required wear at work is a hard hat and steel toed boots.

Yes honey, but the naked hot guy over there has a nipple ring.

Irrational Arousal, Indecent Exposure.  Note the daylight hour and the building behind him. Maybe he is eying a hot cop approaching him with a ticket book out.  Oh, buddy, you are so going to have to register as sex offender for the next 20 years.

“See woman? I told you that was just a wrench in my pocket and I WASN’T happy to see you. Next time maybe you’ll let me keep my pants on until your brother comes home…. “

Today on Oprah: Short-bodied men with fragile skulls and the stippers who love them.

Is she breaking her own neck?  Amazing… her “shirt” is being held up by her tan lines.

He’s saying, “No, no, I didn’t bring my tool belt.  Today I’m using my tools of Luuuuurve.”

Man of Steel, or How I Found my My Naked Carpenter While Traipsing Around in my Underwear by Winter Goosebumps

Him: *sniff**sniff* I smell danger. Let me dash away to get my lucky danger hat.

Her: I think that may be my armpit.

De-lurking to say that that is *not* an illustration. That is a PSA about the dangers of Photoshop Addiction.

It’s a serious problem, people.

Also, could someone patiently explain to me, the new kid, what all those words on the cover mean? I can’t if I’m more baffled by the image or the text (or the fonts).

Hard Hat Ass Genie

Hard Hat, Hard Everywhere: The Deconstruction of a Hero by Professor Sarah Frantz

My Hammer, Let Me Show You It

Her:  I’m back here.  ...who ARE you talking to??

“I don’t need you to set me up with a blind date; I can fart my own girlfriend, thank you very much.”

Bob the Builder has his first wet dream.

(BTW, I love that this line is called “Twilight.”  I can imagine the Twi-cover reading “if Mormon’s read erotic romance, Bella would love this book!”)

To go spelunking in her cave, he’d need a hard hat.

Can ‘irrational’ really describe an erection consisting of a woman popping up out of the wrong side?

eh, it’s early.

All I can think of is Bitch stole my nipples in the vein of Marion Barry’s “Bitch set me up.”  BECAUSE THAT MAN HAS NO NIPPLES.  It’s like, “whoa, male nipples, too gay!”

Also, I totally think they should sell marionberry cupcakes with “Bitch set me up” in icing on them.  Brilliant, I tell you.

Maybe it should be called “Irrational Dress Code” instead.

“When you play with MY erector set, every zone is a hard hat zone!”

(On another note, you’d think somebody who went this crazy with Photoshop could at least have got rid of the woman’s tan lines.)

This cover is “Under Construction”!

Seriously - it’s like photoshop gone wild!

I’m gasping in delight over Impractical Protection.  Loving it!

I’m beyond baffled, however, as to why the man is stark staring nekked and yet is wearing… A HARD HAT? 

And what’s with the girl?  Is she having a fit?  Washing her hair (Herbal Essence anyone?)?

Hmmm… Hard Essence, perhaps?  Though that sounds like a gay porno.  Then again, the cover…

I pout nao! My butt is right thar but she has nothin to poke it with!

This will sound truly juvenile, but Men at Work: Farting My Love.

Robert “Big John” Johnson (now known as “Bob”) sadly learned the hard way that there were certain professions you should never do naked—even if you are wearing your OSHA-mandated hardhat:
1. Fry cook
2. Lion Tamer
3. Lumberjack
4. Construction worker

Trixi A’Lur was the most requested stripper on the bachelor party circuit until the terrible stripper pole incident took her legs.

When their eyes looked off into the distance as they stared at nothing in particularly, they completely missed meeting each other at physical therapy—making their arousal that much more….

IRRATIONAL

“Poster Child for Microcephaly”

I know that a some romance novel covers are laughably bad, but seriously now - is the artist trying to get their own post over at Photoshop Disasters?

Honey, I Shrunk My Head…Both Of Them.

As an aside, is there such a thing as a *rational* arousal? I don’t think a whole lotta thought goes into the process, usually. OTOH, she’s clearly trying to remember her grocery list and if she turned off the coffee pot, so maybe the irrational part is that she even gives a crap in the first place.

Spam word “example54”: We tried 53 other examples of man-titty-minus-nipples before we found the one that was *just right* for an indifferent ass-genie.

Him: She is gone, come love my impressive rack
Her: God! 10,000 years will give you such a crick in the neck.

spam word likely85 Hmmm…

Like Athena emerging from the head of Zeus, Asshley emerged from his man canal… Jeremy Bowels put on his thinking potty as he flexed his chest in gratitude that she wasn’t a huge hemorrhoid.

The intestinal blockage, the moist towelettes, the itching/ burning sensation can only be shared in this amazing tale of daring love:
Passion and Preparation H

I though Athena burst forth from the other head.

IRRATIONAL AROUSAL, JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE.

Srsly, what is going on with the perspective for the building in the background?  And what is wrong with me, that this is the thing that bothers me MOST about this cover?

Ooo!  I thought of another title:

Passing Passion

Yes she did and Zeus got a huge headache, which is what sparked my poor simile above.

Wendy tried hard to lure Bob away from Scoop, but all he was dreaming of was the feel of his flesh against that cool, yellow steel.  Can he do “it”? - Yes he can!

Construction Junction!  What’s your function?

As she gyrates to her favorite song, he lustily sings: I got my hat at the Y...M…C….A….”

How to Lose a Reader in 10 Seconds: the book cover edition.

Or, conversely, as a movie trailer voice-over: “In a world where construction hats are the new pants, one woman dares to wear a tube top. Starring a guy who looks like Christopher Reeves, that woman’s hideous tan line, and an awesomely bad book title. Nipples not included. Starts Friday.”

The hard hat is what tips it over the edge for me. I’m ignoring the lack of nipples on the man-titty/odd corset thing/gazing at his neck?? in favor of that damn yellow hard hat..

1. “When Bob the Builder Banged Betty”

2. “Bob the Builder Gone Bad”

3. Bob fell down a slippery slope *hyuk* when his series was canceled. The former child star tells all in this “revealing” memoir…

Hey…does this hat make my ass look fat?

Sorry, that was the first thought that came to mind…LOL

“This…is not a drill”

Construction Junction!  What’s your function?

Win.  On practically every level.

Bob the Builder, can we fuck it?

Bob, the Builder, YES WE CAN!

(only who would want to?)

“And by hammer I mean my penis. My penis is the hammer.” - Captain Hammer

wait, does that chick have pit hair?! Eww.

Neena that is exactly what i was just going to post. LOL

lunarocket and I are thinking the same thing -

Irrational Arousal - He’d never wanted a woman before!!

Surprise twist - she’s pre-op! Can he keep her from Thailand?

Title:

Genie in a Butthole

Some titles that popped into my head:

“The Backhoe Driver’s Recovering Nymphomaniac Hairdresser”
or
“Hard Work for Harry”
or
“The Naked Well Driller’s Water-Witch”
or
“The Belly Dancer and the Nudist Engineer”

..aaaand I’m spent. :)

He’s a very special type of bottle—rub his bum and out toots a djinni ready to grant your eeevvveeerrryyyy wish!

He’s all about safety. She loves a man who can drill. Will they engage in Irrational Construction?

This fall, be prepared to feast your eyes on and sigh when “The Irrationally and Inappropriately Undressed Construction Worker with a Glandual Problem” meets the love of his life, “The Irrationally Tan-Lined Belly Dancer with a Broken Neck.” Watch the sparks and lack of clothing fly!

Watch as the love of his life emerges from his Construction Entrance!

In….

This End Up!

(a new erotic summer, uh, release)

Well, yes, I know I have really obvious tanlines from my bathing suit, but you really didn’t have to show me how you don’t have any.  Any why are you still wearing your hard hat?  It makes your head look even smaller than it already is.

These are all wonderful- we snorted the most at Genie in a Butthole though.

*snicker*

Laughing at Bob the Builder, Genie in a Butthole, and Construction Junction. Made the mistake of refilling my coffee right while this page loaded.  I should know better!

Bad PhotoShop aside, I can’t get over the total lack of connection between the two figures.  Two totally separate images/people.  It’s like “I’m not looking at you!”

“Dammit!  I’m twisting my back outta joint trying to see if this bustier is giving me any support ‘cause this damn fool construction worker is standing in front of the mirror!”

(Seriously, even some of the covers from Tutis Press make more sense than this!)

Spam filter:  Size 75.  Is that in centimeters?

can I enter?
Except no one can beat sum-of-me’s comment.. .  if only she’d come over and play.

Curious Georgette Uses a Tool
He was the Man in the Yellow Hat, and Georgette was curious.

—-
P.S. Tan lines don’t replace straps on cheap lingerie. That is just skanky.

“nice ass, but what i’m interested in is on the other side… apparently unlike what you’re used to”

Riffing off of Lovecow2000’s entry:

If Minerva came from Uranus

He’s a hardcore nudist whose soft spot never healed.

She’s a legless topless dancer who can’t quite commit to the “topless” part of her job description.

Together, they fight crime.

Oh my.  I can’t stop looking at his chest.  He makes me think of those linebackers who have to eat so many calories while they’re playing football, but who don’t cut back once they’ve retired from the sport and gain weight (in not a good way) as a result.

And what’s with the major tan lines on the girl?  They’re so ghastly.  D:

She was certainly flexible, definitely easy, and some might even call her decent looking.  But a woman?  David knew if he wanted to keep his spot in the Village People, he’d have to get over his…Irrational Attraction.

And, with a shout-out to Everlast, White Trash Beautiful

How about “Drilling Into You Tonight .” Pretty interesting cover. I just can’t get over this cover being like this. Usually there covers are better.

She’s the star of MTV’s Don’t You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Bent Like Me?. He’s the head of Naked Constructor Workers Local 29. Read their story of twisted love and depilatory excess in Irrational Waxing or .

Hoping this closes those pesky tags ...

The curve of her elbow to hip fit the curve of his neck to waist, they were perfect together. Never mind the naysayers that disapproved of her tan lines, her torn or seriously ugly shirt, his odd head, odder headgear, unusually flabby chest for such a muscle-bound body, and the waffle-shaped building that loomed over them like a vulture, waiting, waiting.

They had one thing in common: Irrational Angles

Men are from Mars, Women are from Uranus

He arrived at the jobsite knowing that he had forgotten something, but not knowing what it was.  She was there on the corner, looking for her next trick.  Their eyes met.  It was…Irrational Arousal.

Hard Hat Heiny Honey—-
  Let One Man Put Ass-under

Good one M. Nightingale!  Simple and to the point. :)

White Trash Arousal. An irrational tale of hairy armpits, bad tanlines, and gi-normous moobs from the trailer park next door.

Spam word: Wish54, as in I can wish 54 times I hadn’t looked at that cover. But I did. :(

MAKING GYPSY GIRL PIES

I have no idea what I just said.

I think he’s wearing the hard hat to hide the atrocious dye job somebody did on his hair. She is clearly turned on by her inner elbow.

“Who cares if he’s built like the Hulk after a few years of too many potato chips - I think guys who don’t notice me when I dance in my undies are sexy.”

Him: Dammit! No one told me my boobs would sag after breastfeeding!

Her:  Dammit! No one told me I fell asleep in the tanning bed!

Well I was going to make an OSHA joke, but Tina C. beat me to it. *sigh* That’s what I get for coming to the party late.

“The next trend in paranormals: Ghost strippers!”

I’d try to come up with something else, but his scary dead serial killer eyes kinda freak me out. And, y’know, the fact that the cover is so chock full of WTF.

For the first time ever, conjoined twin models debut on the cover of a romance novel.

This late breaking news just in…

The Village People poops partial people.

Jersey Summers

When Michael Slade started work on a new mansion on the Jersey Shore he never thought he’d meet a woman like Aimee Patterson who shared his passion for spray tans and the New York Giants. Now he’ll install her plumbing, and install her plumbing, That is if he can protect her from the dangerous style police sent to arrest her for crimes against fashionable humanity

he swore not to buy any more cheap crack from his cousin- from the people who brought you “run, your vagina is haunted” comes genie- the haunting for men. a genie with no sense of direction. maybe she’ll fell in love iwht his little boiy pout, or the hard hat he glued on his head during that wild party where he lost all his clothes. if there was preparation h, was there prepartion her for those pesky belly dancing, ass haunting genies?

A Foggy Bottom love story. Love DC style.

As Telicia gazed up at the telephone repair god towering above her, gripping the pole with one hand and his tool in the other, she knew she was living her lifelong fantasy of hard hats, hard abs, and hard poles.

Girl: I totally can’t believe I lost the stripping contest.

Her: What exactly are you planning on doing back there that requires a hard hat?
Him: relax baby I’ll be done in a second anyway.

This Summer…a gay pole dancer realizes…he’s straight.
This Summer…a girl accidentally snaps her own neck…while attempting a seductive dance.
This Summer…you will all be vict…errr, participants in…

Irrational Arousal

He’s a hard man in a hard hat. She’s soft as they come. When her navel suddenly appears on his elbow, and his nipples and left eye vanish, they know something irrational is going on. Who’s moving body parts around? What will go next? And who has
THE HOLE TRUTH.

PLEASE PLEASE BUY THIS BOOK IT HAS “TWILIGHT” ON THE COVER!

In a world without pants, only Troy McHotty’s magic plastic helmet of justice could solve the mystery of the snapped necked stripper with bad tanlines.

Read more in:  Pantless Arousal, Legless Love

Him: Did you say lard ass?

Her: Hard hat!  I can’t look at you when you’re wearing that damned hard hat! 

Sorry, was channeling cheech and chong there… can anyone explain to me why his hair is green, why he’s naked save for the hard hat, and what the hell she’s doing looking away instead of at the nakedness?  I have a few more questions, but we’ll start with those.

It was a bet. A simple dare. But neither one would ever understand why all the men at the work site were drawn to him. It could only be described as Irrational Arousal

Frank glanced at the mirror, hopeful and anxious, seeing into his future—real titty instead of mantitty, a smooth sexy apple-less neck, and a career where he could wear more colors than just yellow.  His MTF surgery could not come soon enough.

I know it’s only the way his arm is positioned and the shadowing, but every time I look at this picture, I can’t help but think his thigh is so much higher than his butt.

Homg, I see buttcrack.

I can forgive everything (almost), except for the awful tan lines on the heroine. Why? Why? This is why we photoshop.

Summer Concussion
By Hulk McManmeat

I told you to wear proper headgear at this here naked construction site.