Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

“Mmmmm…I love having my neck nibbled!  Oooo, I think he’s moving lower?  Yes, lower!  Um, is he snoring?  Okay, that’s definitely snoring!  Motherfu…..”

“Only one other couple left to outlast in the dance marathon and then we win the new Miata. Must… stay… awake…”

SHE: “Mmmm, lower…, lower…, just a little lower so the hickey won’t show at work tomorrow”

Vehxhation’s quest for his life-mate was finally culminated! As the beautiful Pompon swooned in his manly arms, he snogged that which made her his and his only - her Wishbone of Endowments! Vehxhation growled passionately and closed his eyes in frenzied delirium as his Vihgor swelled in response to her Nahrcoleptic Charms….

Does this guy make my collarbone look big?

KatherineB… I nearly spewed coffee all over my screen!  That is sheer AHWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Love it.  Particularly poignant was the swelling Vihgor.

Him, thinking: Dude, chicks get so moist for that Twilight crap. Alls you gotta do to score is buy some dark eye makeup and act all like, whoa, I’m so moody and like totally hot for your neck, baby. Am I right? Fellas?

Eddie Munster, all grown up, enjoys a midnight snack.

Her: Thank God for all those yoga classes.

Him: I think I smell something burning… are you burning up for me?

Her: Honey, will you take this necklace off me . . . I can’t reach.

Him: Yes darling . . . with my teeth!

KatherineB!

ROTFLASTC!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(rolling on the floor laughing and scaring the cats)

Keep it up, ladies, my keyboard could use a shower.

The Collarbone Series: One in every color!

Also, if we follow the progression of colors, the next cover is obv. just going to be white with some blue lines that look like collarbones…

“How many more covers to we have to hold this position for? My neck is killing me!”

Breaking Dawn

...She was his and she was very fragile.

Wrong bone!

Find yourself tired, dragging, sagging, lagging?  Has your get-up-and-go got up and went?  Try Invigoro (TM) the only FDA-approved pick-me-up with hallucinogenic pharmaceuticals to make you see the same scene in all different colors!  Side effects vary and may include headache, nausea, vomiting, erectile dysfunction and an almost overpowering urge for recreational cannibalism.  Do not use if you are pregnant, nursing, may become pregnant, or are contemplating activity.  Ask your doctor about Invigoro (TM) today.

“If she’ll just stay asleep for a minute more, I’ll be able to complete her collarbone implant surgery and publish my paper, ‘Naked neck surgery and why teeth are the instrument of choice’.  THAT’ll show those open-shirt scalpel jocks!”

Lady, I’m not falling for you, I’m just narcoleptic!

I vote for KatherineB. That was hilarious!!

Her: Oh, God, I hope he doesn’t actually bite my collarbone. I’m having to wrestle around with him for this photoshoot, and here he is fixating on my clavicle. A kiss wouldn’t be so bad, but what if the only thing people saw of this last half-hour was me having my collarbone gnawed on by this doofus? The only way it could get worse is if that picture ended up on books with titles making fun of it, like ‘Traitor’s Kiss’ or “Delicious’ or, God forbid, ‘Phantom Pleasures’. Why don’t they just play it straight and say, ‘In which the cover model got let down by a tool who kept trying to chew on her collarbone during the shoot?

Him: OM NOM NOM NOM

Later——-

Her: I’ll keep my face turned from the camera so at least I can deny this to friends and family.

Him: OH! Ma chere! I am so een lov wiz yoou! OH! See ‘ow I chew so lovingly upon your shouldair! NOM, my chewing would say if only it could make a sound! NOM, NOM, NOM NOM NOM!

“Mmmmm…I love having my neck nibbled!  Oooo, I think he’s moving lower?  Yes, lower!  Um, is he snoring?  Okay, that’s definitely snoring!  Motherfu…..”

thread over in one.

Her:  “Did he just find that chocolate sauce I spilled on myself?  Damn, I was saving that for later.”

Him:  “Ooh, she is delicious…”

Her: Honey, you’re getting kind of heavy and my back is starting to hurt.  Could you move off me?  Aw, crap, is he asleep again?!

Him: (gentle snoring and soon a slight drool)

“It was rough being a vampire with narcolepsy. Unfortunately for Lord Richard Wimple Bludvillieres IV (better known to his friends as ‘Bob the Toothless’), what should have brought his victims ‘the little death’ more often ended in ‘the little sleep’.”

This is slightly off topic - in that I mention the clavicle, but I do not refer to the multiple use of stock images. And, I don’t mean to hijack the thread…

I just want to share with the room that Gary Lightbody from Snow Patrol may nibble, lick, or stroke my clavicle anytime he feels like it. I’m just in the mood for a pop crush right now and he suits my mood admirably.

Their new song “Just Say Yes”, while not by any means groundbreaking, to me describes desire really well. Actually, I think that he describes yearning really really well. And his voice is lovely.

How can he tell she’s into it?  She’s got a real collar-boner.

Him “Note to self-must get spare ribs for dinner tonight”

“What was that elusive fragrance wafting from her skin?  A hint of lavender, perhaps? Or was it the scent of autumn leaves?  Or was it, perhaps ... food?  Yes, that was it—this feisty woman that he couldn’t get our of his mind, this plucky girl who bravely tilted her chin at him, this bright spunky spitfire smelled exactly like ... pancakes.”

(with thanks to Maili, Elyssa Papa and Zoe Archer for yesterday’s Twitter discussion of annoying heroine descriptors)

You dropped a bit of ketchup there, may I? Mmmmmslurpmmmf.

completely off-topic, but @sonomalass: haha, that reminds me of the time my ex and i were snuggling and he told me i smelled like donuts. no, really. i speculated that vanilla body wash + hair in need of washing = donut scent.

captcha word: table42. i’ve never seen a table at dunkin donuts that would seat 42 people…

No, your left. There, that one; does that mole look funny to you?

Her: “Woo! I’m soooo drunk!”

Him: “Do you know how much I paid for that champagne?  I thought drinking it off my lover’s body was sexy but I never counted on how sticky it gets!”

George can’t sleep without his life size doll named Fluffy.

please be careful i have a huge zit there. so dont bite me with your fangs

Why you should never keep Chapstick and Superglue in the same pocket.

Him: You have a *beautiful* bone.
Her: Hey, that’s my line!

or

James always thought painting the Mona Lisa on Zephyr’s torso would be the hottest art project ever ... until she fell asleep.

You collarboner - you brought her!

Book 1: Yes, that’s the spot. 
Book 2:That’s it.  Stay there a little bit longer… 
Book 3: Yes!  Now my super clavicle has you sublimating!  Yes!

Next time, gotta leave the bar sooner.  Nothing good comes from jaeger shots…

“I can’t wait to tell Penthouse that I had sex in a tanning booth.”

Broke-Neck Virgin
She wished he would quit her…

So Becky from morethanbrothers.net used to write het porn? Wow!
Or else this is where she got her inspiration.
And I’m sure I just confused everybody reading this.

Oh and I’m still snorting over the first comment posted!

I vote for Caroline’s. *snort*

Do not enter into affairs with were-dragons, for you are yummy, and amell of A-1 sauce.

Broke-Neck Virgin
She wished he would quit her…

SNORT! 

I’ve got nothing.  Just had to snort on my way back to the Deadline Cave. Which is sorta like the Bat Cave, except with fewer latex costumes and lots more chocolate. (Makes note that we’re low on costumes after that unfortunate incident during the last post-deadline party.)

Him: “Should not have taken that allergy medicine…”

Him: Oh sweetie. Really I want to do this, but it doesn’t seem like it is going to happen.

Her: uuuhhh. Really. *head drops back*

Him: nah. Clearly we had too much to drink at dinner. In fact…

It’s chest compressions then breathe, right?  No, wait, it’s breathe-two-three-compress.  No, no, it’s blow-blow-push.  Hey how many times do I do the push thing? And where do I put my hands?

[Ad flashes on screen: LEARN CPR.  THE LIFE YOU SAVE MIGHT BE REALLY HOT. ]

Brooks*belle gets my non-vote, both of her offerings were great.

The Modified Seldinger Technique for Vampires

With the patient was sedated and mesmerized in the typical vampire fashion.  She was then held in a modified reverse-T position with exposure of the right inferior neck which was licked and salivated upon using the listed vampire phlebotomy protocol.  Double stick aspiration of venous contents was attempted by dual modified dental-trocars (tapered 7/20 gauge).  Once access to the IJ was obtained tongue was inserted and suckling commenced.  After approximately 40mL of blood was collected the tongue was withdrawn from between the dental-trocars.  Trocars were then simultaneously removed and the lateral neck site was cleansed with vampire saliva and tears of gratitude.  Stat CXR was then obtained as patient complained of SOB but no pnemothorax was noted.  Patient recovery was uneventful.  No memory of the procedure was noted under the given sedation and mesmerism regimen.

Now class, this is what happenes when you try and play “light as a feather, stiff as a board” with only two people - and your second is an inexperienced wizard/vampire.  He falls asleep and you are stuck in that compromising position until he gets a full night’s rest.

::shakes head:: Last time that happened to me, I had a stiff neck and back for a week.  Let that be a lesson to you: magic is not for amateurs!

~~~
And I vote for KatherineB as well.  Wish it could’a been me :)

I think he’s asleep

exhausted and depressed

thinking…

“...I’m soooo tired.  And it’s always with the collarbone.  I’m geting typecast here.  That’s not good for my career at all.  What’s with the collarbone anyway?  If I see another fricking collarbone, I’m gonna lose it.  What’s wrong with the mouth?  Or the neck?  I could do great things with the inside of a knee ...or - but no. Not me.  Every time, I get stuck with the fricking collarbone.....”

Does this mood lighting make my clavicle look big?

Richard’s new life as a zombie was harder than it looked.  Everyone else just shambled around, groaning, “brrraaaaiiiinss” while he had to force the word, “cooolllllllaaaarrrrrbooooonnneeesss” from his lips.  As a result, he had to shamble and groan twice as long for half the meals.  On the upside, it kept him fit enough to maintain his career as a romance novel cover model, and his co-models were usually female, which made the access to the tasty tasty clavicle a lot easier than having to gnaw through mantitty.

Him:  Oh de neck bone connected to de collarbone, the collarbone connected to the BONER…

Her: Gosh - you didn’t tell me you were a doctor, too!

For Nick the Neckrophile, the third time was the charm…. 
The didn’t call it neck-ROMANCE for nothing.

/hur…  I couldn’t avoid the pun.

Her: I appreciate your checking my moles, but wouldn’t it be easier if you used a magnifying glass?

“I can’t wait to tell Penthouse that I had sex in a tanning booth.”

Love it, Jess!

Her new “Inflatable Valentino” TM was absolutely the best purchase she had ever made….now if she could only figure out why she was waking every morning with a crick in her neck.

Her: When you said you weren’t sure where the g-spot was, you weren’t kidding…

“Wow, that was a great sandwich!  What’s that?  There’s a spot of mayo on my lip?  Hand me a napkin.  No napkins?  NO NAPKINS?  Come over here.  COME HERE!  Lean your head back.  JUST DO IT!  There.  Is it gone?”

“And to think they laughed when I said I was getting clavicle implants. Who’s laughing now?”