I cannot believe it's been a year since we've done a Caption That Cover. I'm so sorry! All those poor, bizarre covers, neglected and forlorn because we didn't properly add a layer of comedy to their wtfery. That ends now!
Why?
Because I got this in my inbox:
Most of the time, cover snark with Changeling Press is the very definition of shooting fish in a barrel. But when Brenda sent me this cover, it caught my attention not only because of the dangerous levels of hypoxia of the dude on the right, but also because of the near-human expressions. Well, not “near,” exactly. Maybe “adjacent to human” is more accurate.
Brenda wrote:
“…[T]his cover kind of leaps out at me. As creepy things do, like clowns in a Stephen King novel.
There is major WTFuckery going on just as far as the crappy quality of the artwork goes. This kind of goes back to the days of yore, when all of the Ellora's Cave books looked like this. But even by those standards, this is bad, bad, bad.
What totally makes it hysterical are the tags for it. Apparently it is a paranormal, vampire, inter-racial, BDSM, romantic suspense, gay, action adventure novel. None of which would even make me blink except when paired with this awful cover. Could it possibly be a Caption This Cover participant? All I can think of are titles involving the words “albino”, “speedo”, and “fivehead” because that thing is too big to be a forehead.”
Oh, yes. There is no doubt this cover needs captioning. And if you don't read the cover copy, there could be all manner of explanations for this pose(r).
So, it's time. Gird your loins and grab your snark because it's time to Caption That Cover: Campire Edition! They're not just vampires – or inter-racial, BDSM, romantic suspense, gay, action adventure vampires. Oh, no. They're so campy, they're Campires!
Here are the rules:
Caption that cover in the comments, or via email, between now and Friday 28 February, 12pm.
Entries will be judged by yours truly on originality, execution, and showmanship – like Dance Fever, only with hypoxic vampires. If you'd like to voice your vote for the best caption in the comments, please do! Comments will close 12 noon Eastern (US) time, 28 February. Winners will be announced shortly afterward.
What do you win?
The winner will receive a $50 gift card to the bookstore of his or her choice, and the people's ovation and fame forever, and possibly also Adrian Zmed. I'm kidding about the Zmed part. Standard disclaimers apply: I'm not being compensated for this giveaway, except to carry the image of this cover permanently in my brainspace. Void where prohibited. Open to international residents were permissable by applicable law. All judging decision final. I do not accept hypoxic bribes, or shirtless bribes, either. Must be over 18 and wearing a Speedo to win. I kid again: wear whatever you want, but make sure you flex your abs. Dance Fever was the greatest show ever and I don't care if you disagree because I'm totally right.
So, what's that dude on the right thinking? What about the dude on the left? Are their nipples sentient?! Caption That Cover!
This is a bad one ( or maybe a good one?) but I’ve been up since 5:30 am. sigh.
“One is hot. One is ice cold. Can the heat melt the icicle?”
The brush of the ice prince’s arm on his shoulders raised goosebumps on Arden’s skin, even as the look in his eyes set him aflame. But alas! their love could never be. For vampires in heat…
…melt!
Henri gazed up into Jack’s pale eyes, looking for just one spark of sanity in their depths, both aroused and scared at what he saw there. It had been years since Jack first started slipping into madness—that was the problem one had when one turned a Hulk into a vampire; all that anger that made him want to smash things built up so much that it caused him to go crazy. That wouldn’t be so bad if the green color of his skin in Hulk mode hadn’t turned the mahogany tones of his non-Hulk form into a sickly white. It was no good. The Jack he knew was gone and there was nothing left but a pasty shell of a man.
(Is it just me or does Albino dude look like Lenny Kravitz?)
For some reason, to me the combination of intense stare plus arm draped over shoulders says less ‘hot lustn’ and more ‘have I got a deal for you!’
“He had the abs, he had the vacant stare…now all he needed was the body paint and together they would be unstoppable!”
also
Interracial: white, and extra white.
In The Sims 4, there are even more ways to kill your character: start fires, remove the ladders from the pool, have him get together with a vampire…
When his creation, the marble statue he had named Galateon, didn’t come to life as he had hoped, Pygmalion’s first thought was “I shouldn’t have sculpted him wearing jeans!”
“Frank, buddy, walk with me. You know how our crotches have been randomly lighting on fire, and I’m, well, a corpse? Yeah, so I went to the doctor and well it’s not great… You may want to put some pants on.”
A vampire! Your imagination is quite impressive. I simply have a medical condition, quite common in fact.
“Little did he know, but Fernando was about to embark upon the supernatural romance of a lifetime with a mysterious lover of supreme quantum-erotic arts – SO LONG AS HE DIDN’T BLINK.”
‘Starey, scary statues and the men who love them’.
I’m sorry, but that is the Fugliest cover I’ve ever seen …and the only captipn that’s going through my head is… Vampirism, where taupe is the new black…
@AnimeJune for the win! Geeky cultural reference blew me away, and all of them made me cackle like a loon.
“Factory Seconds at Madam Tussaud’s Find Love.”
As Bob gazed into Justin’s eyes, all he could think was, “Soon, I will finally be a chick magnet.”
As Justin returned Bob’s gaze, it was all he could do to keep a straight face, as he led another willing sucker to the bedroom. He really was going to have to find a new place to start hiding the bodies soon.
Alternately: “Have you ever had that not so fresh feeling?”
I’m just not getting “passionate” from the look their exchanging.
“Please excuse my extreme whiteness, I just snacked on Edgar Winter.”
Sorry, am I showing my age with this comment.
Coming soon to a Theater Near You!
From Kira Stone Studios in Rancho Cucamonga, California!
The EPIC ROMANCE of an albino vampire celebrity impersonator and a D-list teen idol! Can a melanin-deficient bloodsucker and an American Idol last A Thousand Days? Is the Measure of a Man the strength to see past society’s condemnation and embrace an undead, parasitic future? Find out in……….
VAMPIRES IN HEAT!!!
Featuring the star of Spill Swill and Worms in a Chevy, Samuel L Jackson’s albino second half-cousin Shmeul B Crackson!
And making his big screen debut, 2003 singing sensation Clay Aiken!
This Is the Night to see the newest erotic horror romance action adventure from Kira Stone! DON’T MISS IT!
Opening in select cities April 1st!
Coming soon, POWDER 2: An albino vampire with unique pyrotechnic abilities warms the cockles of his Speedo-wearing sub’s…heart.
First of all, can I just say that is one of the most weirdest covers I have ever seen?
With that out of the way, the caption I would use is:
Hector could feel the frozen core of his being thaw from the intense vampiric desire in Liam’s gaze. His blood began to simmer.
I was so weirded out by that cover that my grammar failed – sorry! It is the most weird , or alternatively the weirdest cover I have ever seen!
Written off by his family as a lost boy, Calvin found himself drawn to one of the mysterious cowboys inhabiting a ghost town in the Arizona desert. The vampiric heat is sizzling. Will Calvin find a new family, and love, in the arms of the mysterious Albeeno?
Just as an aside, because I’ve shown this cover around the office, and what we all want to know is…What the hell did the writer do to hack off Changelings art department so badly, that they designed that abomination of a cover ?
“There’s no way we can lose the synchronized men’s diving event…unless they check your drug test for plaster.”
Abs of Alabaster, Boners of Stone: Gargoyls of Notre Dame Find Love
“That’s right. We don’t all look alike.”
I was wondering how vampires could go into heat, so I read the blurb and the first page of the ebook and discovered that vampire housecats are somehow involved in the plot.
“This cat scratch fever will kill you. For a little while.”
Don’t blink. Don’t turn your back. Don’t look away. Is that real or granite? You blinked!
I can’t even play this game, because I’m too busy screaming, “My eyes! My eyyyyyyessss!!!!”
Here’s the back cover description of my Madam Tussaud’s caption above:
They only come out at night…
Erik, model no. M108, and Blaize, model no. M037, were destined for greatness until a loose sprocket at Madam Tussaud’s wax-figure production facility ended their dreams of being featured in one of the Madam’s most popular exhibits. Originally intended to represent the characters in a hit new vampire drama, Erik and Blaize were instead relegated to the “factory seconds” storage room, far away from the celebrity-happy hordes and their flashing cameras…
But after a few months of collecting dust, Erik and Blaize soon found each other, both discovering a passion that burned like white-hot fire once the museum closed its doors each night.
Little do they know, however, that danger lurks in the museum’s shadows. Obsessed with perfection, an enemy plots to rid the wax-figure world of all sloppy seconds and literally melt them to the core…
Irwin Malteaser was an ordinary, everyday Speedo model when love—and pain—and death—came calling. Now he’s trapped in the rock-hard clutches of Francois Julius Claude-Jean Louis vin de la Maison, the most darkly fascinating gargoyle to ever come out of Paris, Texas. Struggling to keep his wits about him and his chest waxed, Irwin is … TAKEN FOR GRANITE.
“Did anyone ever tell you that 50 shades of gray originally referred to the coloring of a vampires? In fact, a lot of shades of grey ideas were originally inspired by vampires….”
His inner goddess was doing the breaststroke with dolphin kicks.
I just can’t. Even. Holy crap that’s bad.
It’s not what the cat dragged in, it’s what the vampire fished out.
(oh my gawd)
I’m too traumatized to play; however, my vote is for P.J. Dean – I almost fell out of my chair laughing!
Vampires: The 1980s Computer Graphics Version.
(And you thought sparkly vampires looked silly…)
Six Packs from the House of Wax of Dracul.
“Well shit, even vampires are being whitewashed now.”
The Mannequin movie that Andy Warhol would have made
Once you go Vamp, you’ll never go back.
When a modern day Pygmalion set out to carve himself a new piece of ass, who knew the results would be so sexy and so creepy.