Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

“I need to fart so bad, I’m clenching these drapes, and I’m holding your head towards me because I want you to smell it with me. The fart.”

“I Can’t Believe It’s Not Fabio!”

“Have you pray’d to-night, Desdemona?”

Not captions exactly but this is what is running through my mind:

My dear, what?!  No, not your bodice!  I realize that my manly physique is irresistible, but I am not for you!!  It is Raoul who I…here let me cover you with these curtains.

Also
Never fear, my lovely!  We may have forgotten the sunrise in our passion, but I will shield us from the burning rays of daylight with these thick blackout curtains I have conveniently installed for just such an occasion.

“After I shaved my chest I painted my fingernails, and now my hand is stuck in these drapes.  I don’t want her to know that, however, so I’ll smolder at her.  Wow, she’s smoldering back.  I’ll smolder more.”

Degree’s new deodorant efficacy testing.

‘He flies through the air with the greatest of ease
A daring young man and his sore-necked new squeeze…’

(Did anyone else LOVE Brendan Fraser as George of the Jungle? Or is it just me?)

“Your gown seems to be falling off of you, here, use these drapes to cover yourself.”

or

“I tell you I am strong! Look, look at how I can rip these drapes down with just one hand! You can’t leave me for that Fabio!”

“Bella, I grew my hair back just for you! You don’t need that filthy vampire! Here, let us close the drapes so we are not blinded by that silly sparkle of his.”

‘Hello, I am your lactation consultant for today. Let me show you how to get your baby to latch on.’

“Baby let me pull the curtians so the neighbors won’t see me choking you out.”

Dr. Manlichest:  I have cured your cancer, but liquefied your bones in the process.  However, you are hot, so I will just hold up your neck, shut the divider, and make love to you on your rose covered hospital bed.

Hey Baby, ever heard of a dutch oven? no? excellent.

So many strange things happening in that picture. But the funiest to me is that her face is practically jammed into his armpit.

“Smell the pit, baby. It’s sooo good, you know you want to. Your little fetish will be our secret.”

I’m with j.f. and Chance—this is totally a Dutch oven scenario, or the merciful release from said Dutch oven. Homeward Farts, more like.

“Now look, this is how we hang the sheets at my mother’s house.  Are you watching?  See, it’s just that easy.”

This will only hurt for a minute…..

The Tentmaker Takes an Assistant

Logline: Casting tents in the drapes was only the beginning….

The world’s sexiest blanket fort.

“See?  I told you the egghell drapes wash you out.  NOW will you believe me and buy the chartreuse?”

“Look out your window at your man. Now look at me. Now look at your man’s nipple. Now look at mine…” Apparently resistance is futile.

And thanks Chance for giving me something new to look up in urban dictionary. Blargh, bwahaha.

Damn these drapes! I need more light to inspect that mole.

A devastated Stephen finds Zoe drained of her precious life blood in the morning. Dead not turned.  How could he have done this to her? Gazing into her eyes, he pulls down curtains to let in dawn’s deadly light.

OMG, Brianna! Too funny!

“Heidi says it’s linen. Michael says it’s cotton. Nina says it’s damask. *I* say it’s silk charmeuse. Look at it! LOOK AT IT!”

I couldn’t help but notice, the carpet doesn’t match the drapes

“Drink from my magnificent nipples!”

“I really have to go but there isn’t any toilet paper in the bathroom. If I turn her head like this, she’ll never notice the difference….”

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

“OK, I believe you - my left armpit smells different than the right one. Can I lower my right arm now?”

Isn’t it lovely, my manly chest?  Please look at it closer.

I love Lisa’s idea! ‘I’m the man your man could smell like…’

No matter how hard he tried, Marko just couldn’t get the “Happy Ending” part of the massage right.

He could make the bed one-handed and sprinkled the sheets with rose petals, but could she resist his ‘headlock to the heart’...?

Having killed her with the passion of his gaze, the serial smolderer wraps up his latest victim in the symbolic shroud.

“If I hold the sheet just so, you can totally give me a bj and nobody else in the park will see!”

He discovered her in desperate danger of being smothered by the sheets. Can the greatest passion Bed Bath & Beyond has ever seen save her now?

Jason failed to pitch a tent twice that night.

“Suckle here, my dear. It’s alright. I have a modesty cover…”

“Celia, let me now show you my favorite game….

PEEK-A-BOO!

Buffeted yet again by a wind that only affected him and his glorious hair, Armand held on to both the curtain and to Winifred for dear life.

“First we touch the curtain, then we yank the curtain.”
“Um…honey?”
“First we touch the neck, then we break the neck.”

“Behold, I summon the Drapes of Doom…”

“For a minute Rose of Sharon sat still in the whispering barn.  Then she hoisted her tired body up and drew the comfort about her.  She moved slowly to the corner and stood looking down at the wasted face, into the wide, frightened eyes.  Then slowly she lay down beside him.  He shook his head slowly from side to side.  Rose of Sharon loosened one side of the blanket and bared her breast.  ‘You got to,’ she said.  She squirmed closer and pulled his head close. ‘There!’ she said.  ‘There.’ Her hand moved behind his head and supported it.  Her fingers moved gently in his hair.  She looked up and across the barn, and her lips came together and smiled mysteriously.”

(Many many - so many - apologies to Mr. Steinbeck)

“Gaze upon the drapes, my love, and know they are as pure as our desire, for I have washed them upon my abdomen.”

CASSIE - OMG that was the loudest I have laughed at a comment in ahwile…I think it would be fair to say I was cackling!

My off the cuff responses:

“Sometimes the power of love can be smothering.”

“They’ll ride the waves of passion to her final resting place!”

I may be back if I can let my brain stew awhile…but my vote goes to Cassie with the Othello reference for the win!

“Zits, tits and arm pits.  What do you think, baby?  Nice, huh.”

Looks to me like a tornado has taken down his teepee and he’s whipping it out of the way to save the his fiesty red-head saloon girl he kidnapped from the wagon train taking her to San Francisco.

But that’s just what I see . . .

You may be better looking than me, I’m going to need to cover you up.

“Hey, did you know your dress is falling down?”

“Did YOU know you forgot to put on deodorant?”

I’m torn between two ...

When Paulo told Rebecca that he could take her for a roll in the sheets like no other, she didn’t realize he meant it literally.

and ...

This is the way we wash the sheets (wash the sheets, wash the sheets), this is the way we wash the sheets, so early in the morning.

“Shelter me under your mantitty from those evil smothering curtains…!”

And… that’s all I got.

Homeward Hearts - The Return to Neverland

“Peter Pan is all grown up and taking Wendy for a ride.”

I can’t surpass the awesomeness of “the carpet doesn’t match the drapes.”

“You’ve heard of the Shroud of Turin but have you heard of the Shroud of Bow-chicka-wow-wow?  In 500 years they’ll be carbon-dating my man-juices. Rawr!”

Erotic Asphyxiation—should he use his hand, the sheet, his underarm, or his powerful, powerful mantitty?

(Did anyone else LOVE Brendan Fraser as George of the Jungle? Or is it just me?)

Ooh!  Me!  He and Hayden Christensen were my celebrity crushes in middle school.  A weird combo, I know, but the heart wants what it wants and all that…

Brought together by a chance meeting in the hair care isle of the local supermarket, Kalen and Fabiozo knew it was true love when their shared fetish for drapes was revealed…

I apologize for this, but it’s clear he’s about to snap her neck.  What he does after that, I leave to your imagination.

Inconceivable! The dread pirate Armando keeps his cool as he attempts to save Fiona with his life-sustaining man milk while keeping the ship’s sail from smothering them.

Oh darling.. Look at my man nipple and smell my armpit as I hold your neck in a death grip so you can’t get away.. Don’t you love my rock hard abs and beautiful hair? I am going to pull this sheet down over my face so you don’t have to look at my face while I rock your world”

She’d heard of men like this.  Men who enjoyed a maiden’s lips upon their…...nipples!.....but she just couldn’t bring herself to commit to such a scandalous act, no matter how much he dug his fingers into her neck.

Don’t squeeze the Charmin!

Behold, the world’s most over dramatic dutch oven.

“Help me out girl, does the cream of these curtains match the accents of your bodice? I’m thinking it needs a touch more yellow, more of a buttercream color.”

A quick twist of the neck and into my magic curtain you go!

“Dearest love, I can save you from perishing because of a melted spine, but first you must eat these lacy, gently wafting curtains.”

Oh, fiddle dee-dee, Scarlett! It’s no bother. No bother at all. I will happily tear down this curtain asunder so you and Mammie may make your lovely self a new frock.

Smothering Heights--Should he suckle or smother her?  A twisted tale of passion, obsession, and male lactation.

Is, “Lord of the sheets” taken? If not, allow me to elucidate for you:

Shelton Mcmantitaes, widely regarded as the king of interior decorating and a wiz at hospital corners, finally takes a bride who doesn’t balk at his penchant for nursing, nor lying on a bed of thorny roses.

That’s all I got before my coffee.

“I can’t stand up, let me grab ..okay. Now smell my new Axe deodorant. No really smell it! here, let me hold your head, Does that make me seem too weak to you? I mean I am weak, that is why I am having to hang on to this sheet you draped from your ceiling. What is going on with that? Girlfriend we have to talk decorating!”

Rafael tore back the heavy drapes surrounding the princess. His shirt had been shredded by the briars surrounding her prison, and his hair had come undone from its knot and blew wildly about his face. As he lifted her limp form to his chest, the thorny plants blossomed around them… Never had he been so thankful for his curse, the curse that caused him to lactate aqua vitae…“Yes, drink my darling. Drink, and be restored to life…”

hes93… well, he could be, I guess!

“You must watch me flex my perfectly bronzed bicep.  ...  No, really, watch.  ...  Here, let me help you.”

Whot? You’re not dead yet? {said in a monty python way} Then here, let me smother you with the drapes. BWAHAHAHA!

OR

My poor dead darling! {Sighing as I clutch your dangling head to my manly chest} I can’t bear to see you like this. I must cover you. {uses curtains}

(Did anyone else LOVE Brendan Fraser as George of the Jungle? Or is it just me?)

I’m another big fan!  Of course, I loved George of the Jungle as a cartoon first.  But Brendan beefed up good and was cute and goofy.  One of my favorites!

“Thank God we landed safely!  Let me just gather up the parachute…”

Um, you’ve got a little…

Right there, under your nose.  A little to the left…

No, it’s still there…

Here.  I’ll just use this to wipe it away.  Now, spit.

“You think farting in my face is funny? Wait til I cover your head with these drapes. Who’s laughing now?”

“See, I told you my tan was darker than yours. Its all in the baby oil.”

“They did a lousy job on my chest waxing. Come closer…can you feel any stubble?”

Michael Lightfeather knew what he had to do the moment he saw the enchantress’s white skin and fiery hair.  She was one of THEM.  The people that took away his land and called his people savages.

Emma Johanson couldn’t believe how beautiful this man was.  She knew he was considered a savage, but she could never believe a man as beautiful as he could be evil.  The smell of him alone was enough to convince her that he was a good person, someone she could love. 

That was when she saw his hand on the curtains.  She didn’t have the time to wonder what he was doing as he pulled the curtains down, circling them around her neck.  “No!” She screamed. “I love you!”  Then everything went black.

Michael could not believe what he had done.  Had she really said she loved him?  Could he have been wrong?  Could he have fallen victim to one too many Cassie Edwards novels?  At least now he had a defense if he was caught.

He:
I specifically asked you to get the four-poster curtains in Ecru Dream!  These are Pearl Fling!  This is totally wrong with my coloring!  God.  Can’t you do anything right?  We’re never going to make the cover of House Beautiful now.

She:
We’re never going to have sex either, are we?

The Buff Magician’s Conjured Virgin

Ok, nevermind my previous post BUT to carry on a theme…..

“Ladies and gentlemen with the power of magic I will turn this ordinary bunny in a VIRGIN!.............Voila!  Horny Virgin!  thank you and good night”

“I’ll show you who has better hair….”

@Quercus

Snort!!! Too funny.

Knowing the sight could be startling to nearby children, Lorenzo pulled his breastfeeding shawl tight around him, determined to shield his beloved Claudia from prying eyes.  When his wife, Isabella, died many years ago, Lorenzo had been determined to take over all the maternal duties.  Now that Claudia was approaching marriagable age, he hoped her future husband would have man titties as nourishing as his own.

Before the days of heavy-duty plastic sheeting and saran wrap, Dexter’s great-great-grandfather often made do with white curtains because they could be easily bleached.

Angel, darling, I’ve solved our problems!

I’ve found….The Better Marriage Blanket! and now our HEA can no longer be denied!

An outtake from the discarded first version of the music video for Extreme’s More Than Words.

“Dude—like Gary Cherone may not want her to say anything, but maybe the smother thing is going to far…”

Christophe tried to quiet her incessant feisty redhead yammering. When smothering her with his bosoms didn’t work, he knew he’d need a very big gag.

Also has a ‘Last Dance with Mary Jane’ music video thing going on. You can’t prove by just the cover that he didn’t steal her off a slab somewhere.

“Tell me the truth, my darling. Did you make your dress out of my drapes?”

Ha, ha ha!  Snort.  Giggle.  And I think Sarah S deserves notice for pointing us in the direction of the “The Better Marriage Blanket!”  Lord have mercy.  Seriously, tears streaming from eyes.

My own feeble attempt after these works of genius?

“The Disembodied Hand that Snapped Her Neck and Destroyed Our Love, But Made the Sheets Clean and Billowy.”

Sorry -best I could do.  Am LOVING these comments!

There’s no way I can top Susan and the Steinbeck abuse.

Really did anyone notice the bed of THORNS! She’s laying on roses with thorns!

As for a caption - ‘Suck my man-tit! Save your Life!’

“No no NO! These curtains do NOT complement your breasts at ALL. Just LOOK at them!”

Bereft of his adored Princess Cordelia, the Groosalugg regrew his tresses of power and began a murderous rampage against the few remaining werejellyfish who cowered beneath stacks of dirty sheets.

“Ladies, look at your man.  Now look at me.  Now look back at your man.  Now look back at me.  I’m on a bed.  With a curtain.  I am all manly.  And stuff.”

“And once we’re done with the pillow fort, you have to pretend the floor is lava.”

***
A girl and her mantitty went
to make whoopie inside a pup tent
But the tent did revolt
and collapsed on the dolts
and alas! It was curtains for them.

***
And because I haven’t tortured anyone with haiku in a while…

Two missing persons
last seen near man-eating drapes
whereabouts unknown

word verification: seems26. I hope not… I’m twenty!

Let me hold your head for a moment while I pull this curtain down to smother you . . . there, that will teach you not to cheat on me with my richer and manlier brother . . .

I got nothing, so I vote Cassie for the cultured reference & Lisa for the pop culture reference.

“Drink, drink of my nipple, my love, while I help you stay in this uncomfortable, awkward position”

“Overwhelmed by Tabu’s forbidden fragrance, she found her love for his avant-garde decorating almost as powerful as his defined man-titties. “

Romancing CPArlene

“Your neck…is..too..heavy… Must get…leverage…from these curtains.”

Hm… either:
Using the drapes for leverage to adjust her neck

or

New obstacle for Stage Three of “Ninja Warrior”/“Sasuke”: Curtain Cling while carrying a hefty American woman*

* as opposed to a tiny Japanese one

Before her unexpected death by head squeeze, Vanessa’s life did not flash before her eyes, nay, ‘twas the shining man titty that signaled her demise.

“Oh,” she whimpered, “you know I don’t like having an audience when we—when we—you know.”

“Audience?”

“Yes.  All these ...”  She shuddered delicately and squirmed closer to his manly embrace.  “... readers.  They’re watching us.”

Well, he thought, fuck.  That served him right for neglecting the general maintenance.  Suppressing a sigh, he said, “Look at me.”  When she didn’t, he cupped her head in his hand and turned her face towards him, forcing the matter.  “I am the only one in the room,” he said, low and soothing, trying for hypnotic.

“But—”

“The only one,” he repeated.  “But if it would make you feel better, I shall pull down this drape to distract you with the flexing of my manly muscles—er, I mean, to give us privacy.”

“But—”

“Shhh,” he said, and made a mental note to call the maintenance guys in to fix the fourth wall.

He, of the grabby hands, “You don’t do windows?”
She, of the weak neck, “No. And I don’t swallow either.”

“Eyes, look your last!
Arms, take your last embrace! and lips, O you
The doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss
A dateless bargain to engrossing death!
Come, bitter conduct, come, billowing drape!
Thou yards of fabric, now at once fall down
And smother me who forgot the poison cup!”

Frankly, Scarlett, I don’t give a drape. 

“Bejewel my Man-Tittays? Oh hell no!”  - Rod Dongenstein did not approve of Lady Lesley Loveminge’s suggestion for spicing things up the the boudoir.

When I said you couldn’t touch me during the lapdance, that wasn’t a request for you pull the curtains!

“Ohmigod - I broke her neck!  Quick - I need to fashion a tourniquet with this sheet…”

“See these are introverted nipples.”

Darling? Darling! Remember that fantastic movie we saw - the nun made outfits for all the children out of the curtains and they did the best puppet play I have EVER seen… Can we, darling? Can we try it?  I’ll be Maria - you be the Captain.  Let me get the drapes…you get the boots.

He’s gripping the curtains in frustration at not having Fabio’s mighty pectorals- clearly, he just isn’t musclebound enough to excite her and she’s fallen asleep in the middle of foreplay. He’s trying to shift her position so that she’ll stop snoring.

“My darling, I would die to make love to you.  But I cannot get past all of your split ends.”

Pay no attention to my fist heading towards your face.  It’s just a harmless bit of sheeting!

“I’m so in touch with my femenine side that I’m actually lactating…  See?”

LOL

I guess I should have bought the low VOC paint if I wanted her help with these drop cloths.

Hee!  That was feminine, but apparently “men” snuck in with the drapes! LOL

He is clearly about to breastfeed her.

1.  Wring neck; wrap corpse in shroud.
2.  ???? 
3.  PROFIT. 

Nah, I got nothin.’

Gagged with the Drapes —A heartwarming tale of pervertible love!

“Darling, before we kiss, can I just wipe that snot off your upper lip?”

These curtains are like our passion: fierce.

The tragic decline of Rico Suave: from pop star to nipple model.

I am man enough to admit, I picked these drapes to match your so lacy nightgown.

Ugh…I can’t win with these killer comments, but I’ll try.

*******
Caption:  Earl Duke Regent Wallinshirefordeim is ready to love Duchess Lady Mariflower, until her breath reaches his chiseled man-nostrils.  With a gaspeth and a reach for the heavy, though horridly thin curtains behind him, he recoils.  Can a man like him, with nipples as pointy as harpoons and hair that waves in a windless room, be able to tame a breath so vile and cantankerous, along with the suckling woman underneath? 

*****

Again, not even close.  This is what happens when I get bored and see these covers….  xD

When I said blow job, I didn’t really mean blow.

I have never been Rick Rolled in a discussion thread before. Thanks, Snidley Whiplash!

As for the cover, I think the girl is asking:

“Where am I? Why are there no clocks in here?”

Because she is dazed by the odor of his armpit. Its probably pretty manly and pungent up in there.

My nipple is the elixer of life.  I will hang on here while you taste of me.

Abracadabra,alakazam,presto-chango. Izzy wizzy let’s get busy!!

Her skin was smoother than the softest satin…until he felt the bed sheets. “Is that…thousand-count?”

Oh, and points to Cassie for the “Othello” reference. Totally the first thing that popped into my head. :)

WANNA BUILD A SHEET FORT?

I’m going to second:

K. Hitchens said on… “Frankly, Scarlett, I don’t give a drape.”

Perhaps “Scarlett” will make a dress out of the sheer drapes (ala Carol Burnett spoof of the movie).

The Search For the Fountain of Youth
“It’s right here, baby.  Now suckle me.”

K. Hitchens’ caption inspired me to look up memorable quotes from the movie, which would make funny captions for this cover:

Rhett Butler: With enough courage, you can do without a reputation (replace repution with negligee)

Rhett Butler: I’m very drunk and I intend on getting still drunker before this evening’s over.

Scarlett: Great balls of fire. Don’t bother me anymore, and don’t call me sugar.

Scarlett: I can’t think about that right now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow.

Rhett Butler: No, I don’t think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That’s what’s wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.

Rhett Butler: What a woman.

Rhett Butler: I can’t go all my life waiting to catch you between husbands

Scarlett: Sir, you are no gentleman.
Rhett Butler: And you, Miss, are no lady.

Rhett Butler: I’ve always thought a good lashing with a buggy whip would benefit you immensely.

Mammy: It makes my blood run cold, the things they say to one another.

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!”,I’ll have you my pretty!!

“You will nurse from my man-titty, or it’s curtains for you.”

Oh this is fantatastic! I hurt so much from laughing. Thank you so much!

All I can think is ‘those giant flowers at the front have grown legs and are coming right for us!’

no no….He is really saying to her
“What are you making for dinner? and do we still have
some of those cookies you made last night?”

Give me just one sip… one sweet sip of that man milk…

Forget vampires and blood exchanges, it’s all about lactation exchanges!

“And I was thinking of these for the downstairs bathroom.”

Go Homeward, Geek

“The Vulcan death grip, you’re doin’ it wrong”

One with the guy’s view:

“She complains she’s cold, so I reach up to tear down the drape for blanket and she faints.  Now, I dramatically check her pulse as to not be outdone in our foreplay theatrics.” 

One with a different heroine’s view:

“He may think he has the upper hand in this murder, but he’s oblivious to my hand unsheathing the dagger strapped to my back. I’ve almost got it.”

“These flowing drapes are awakening my feminine side, my dear.  Please - suckle my breast!”

Jason failed to pitch a tent twice that night.

I vote for Jen.

(‘should77’ - yes that cover should be on a vintage leisure/zebra)

“Bob was right! Hanging the sheets first does make it easier to wrap up the corpse when you’re done!”

Welcome to Bed, Bath, and Boobies.  How may I help you?

Oh god!  It’s my mom!  Hide!

If borrowing from movie quotes is allowed:

“You know what I like best about you?”
“My clean close mantitty shave?”
“No, waking up in your arms.”
“Really, you need to check out my clean close mantitty shave.  Here, feel it!  Smooth, eh?”

Oh, my love, how will I get to your chastity belt when this wedding dress train goes on forever…

I know you’ve been dreaming of being in “Cirque de Soleil” darling.  Tonight…with the silks grasped in one manly hand and your flowing tresses in the other…tonight we fly!

“Yoiks and away!”

or

“Quick, darling, it’s a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast! We’ll wrap these curtains around our heads and be absolutely safe, for if we can’t see it, it believes it can’t see us. What do you mean that makes sense?”

Who83
No, not Who. Guide.

“You were snoring again!!!!”

Him ‘Hang on, let me just get the washing in, luv”

I just thought of another one.
“Oh sheet!”

“And now, when I pull aside this sheet, the zucchini will have turned into a beautiful woman….Hey!  Who killed my assistant??”

Lisa Law that was great!

I will wrap us in this sheet before making love to you! Oh shit that was the drapes! I will hold you close to protect you from the falling drapery rod. Oh shit my pit funk knocked you out cold!

Our hero learned he was not capable of multitasking, as foreplay, putting up curtains, and yoga poses just aren’t a good mix.

“Oh, you have a smudge on your face.  Turn your head just so and let me wipe it off with this cloth.”

Oh, God, please have mercy! This was my very first book and I HATED that cover (and the following two that featured this guy)! I had to do booksignings with himl, and it was mortifying. At one particular signing, a women’s fair in Portland, females were all queued up to meet him and have their picture taken with him. The deal was that they had to buy my book, which I would sign. I’m not sure they even noticed that part. A lot of them asked him if HE’D written the book, and others down the line wanted to know why I was writing in them. It was hair-raising.

Hello, ladies. Look at my hand, now back at my chest, now back at my hand, NOW BACK AT MY PECS. Where are you? You’re in a hot air balloon, with the man your man could smell like!!!

“You’re skin, so soft, but not as soft as my lovers!  He’s here, behind the curtain, let me show you!

“I’m so cold!”
“Here, huddle close to my man titty while we curl up in the curtains!”

You smell like you’re dead, but I don’t want to open my eyes to find out. I’m going to climb up this curtain and get away now, k?

Love the lactaction consultant line, Brianna.  I don’t know if votes count in this contest but you get mine.

She’s so beautiful . . . it’s too bad that her neck is so weak that unless I hold her head juuuust right, it’ll roll off her shoulders.

“CRAP.  I killed another one.  Better wrap her up in these drapes and hopefully no one will notice until I’m miles down the road…”

Well, it seems to me that he’s pulling down those curtains to act as a hasty shroud for the lady he accidentally crushed with his manly muscles, while he was trying to remove her gown…

“A riveting, man-titty warming, curtain clenching story guaranteed to make you wonder what the hell he’s doing with that precariously placed curtain!”

Aha, my lovely! Now that you have learned of my secret desire for surprise buttsecks, I will snap your neck, swathe your head in this sheet, and - have buttsecks with your rotting corpse!

OMG, where did THAT come from? I think I’m channelling Laurell K. Hamilton.

“Bitch, lick my nipple or it’s curtains for you!  Like…for your dinner.  You know, cause I’ll make you eat this curtain.  And that will kill you.  So…damn.  What smells so good?  My hair smells so good.  Like clean ponies and warm bread.  Mmmm….wait?  Where were we?  Oh right.  Lick it already!  Don’t wince!”

Darling girl, it’s the latest in do-it-yourself surrogacy. It’s traditional, homeopathic and organic and comes recommended by all the guys on “Queer Eye.” All we have to do is cut a strategic hole in this drape and then wrap you in it. That way when we can engage in 100% fresh squeezed, no sugar, no trans fat, organic, sewn by blind nuns in the alps heterosexual sex without all of that nasty begermed physical contact. After I release my seed into your womanliness I will immediately cleanse myself by washing my manstick with oven cleaner and drinking copious amounts of vodka. Nine months later my lover Sven and I will return for our wunderkind.

“You’ll tell me who’s done your boob job or I’ll snap your neck girlie! I think I need more silicone in my lips, and this one looks TASTY!!”

Also channeling “Sleeping with the enemy” - “I told you to iron these curtains first! You stupid bitch, can’t do anything right. I’ve just straightened all the towels in the bathroom..”

spamword indeed39 -she was indeed 39, and a testament to plastic surgery