Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

About Sarah Wendell

by SB Sarah | June 26, 2005 | Sunday at 2:02 am | 23 Comments

Hi, there! You can read more about me at SB Sarah.com, which has additional links to media, upcoming appearances, and an assortment of silly and serious headshots. I'm really, really pensive in one of them.

Is any book - romance or otherwise - deserving of a SmartBitch grade of A+? And like what would it take to get an A+?
When Candy and I first talked about this site, we had a conversation about what our A+ books were, though we spent more time yelling and howling about the F books (Mine, for the record, is Honey Moon by SEP, the first romance novel ever to make me physically nauseated). But each of us has a romance or two against which we judge all the others. Among mine are Bitten by Kelley Armstrong (the first paranormal I’d read in awhile that wasn’t full of angsty vampires and overwrought “ma petite.” Shut UP with the “ma petite” shit), Bet Me by Jennifer Crusie (loved Cal, loved Min, loved it all), and an upcoming review that I’m still pondering how to grade and describe.

Are you guys going to write a book? Like, SMART BITCHES GUIDE TO ROMANCE NOVELS, vol. 1? I’d totally pimp that. Or fiction. LOVE’S BODICE LOST, by Smart Bitch Sarah and Smart Bitch Candy…
Love’s Bodice Lost?! That might set the record for number of uses of the word “turgid.” Seriously, we could write a book. It’s not like each of us is short on things to say. But who is going to publish anything that chock-full of shit, fuck, cunt, cock, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits? And twat! Don’t forget twat! Updated to add: Sweet holy smoking trout, we totally wrote a book! Beyond Heaving Bosoms: The Smart Bitches' Guide to Romance was published in 2009 by Touchstone/Fireside. Bosoms around the world heaved with rejoicing!

What other genres do you like to read most? (Um, we know ‘bout the vet/animal lovin’. Teehee.)
Right now: pregnancy and baby books. But that’s a recent development. I’m a big fan of historical fiction, like The Red Tent, and my all-time fave, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore. In fact, I’m all about Moore. Cracks my ass up.

Boxers, briefs, or commando? And on your men? (just kidding)
Six words: That Thong tha-tha-tha-Thong. Just kidding. As for the Hubby, he’s a boxer-briefs man, and woo damn are those things sexy. Nothing makes the booty go da-na-da like a pair of boxer briefs.

What’s your favorite romantic movie? Romantic comedy? Nonromantic movie?
Romantic movie: Sleepless in Seattle, even though Meg Ryan is a royal twat to Bill Pullman, who seems to spend his movie career having cute women act like twats to him. But the scenes where Tom Hanks is talking about his wife, and what made her special, and his interaction with his kid – oh, gets me every time. Favorite romantic comedy: Bull Durham. Gosh I love this movie. Susan Sarandon is about the sexiest thing ever, even in that weird black and white plaid skirt, and pre-long-ass-movies Costner is dang sexy, too. But I never really got why Tim Robbins was such a catch (har) until much later in life. Favorite non-romantic movie: Twister. That movie is completely mistake-riddled and I love it every time. It’s also my guilty pleasure moment.

If you were a chick lit heroine, what alcoholic beverage would you abuse?
I love wine, but if I were a chick lit heroine? I’d either love cosmos because I do in fact love them, or, if I were written by an author trying to be original, a whiskey sour.

 

Oh, and do you have a favorite subgenre of romance? If so, what is it/are they?
I am a huge sucker for forbidden/trying-to-resist-the-luuuuurve romances. And I’ll take that forbidden/trying-to-resist romance in any setting except those that border of pedophelia. SEP, are your ears burning?

If the magic book goddess were to gift you with 3 of your favorite books while stuck in, a) wall to wall traffic b) on the subway between stops-naturally you have a booklight & extra batteries- or c) while waiting for the Titanic to sink, what 3 books would the book goddess give you?
Lamb, the Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore, Bitten by Kelley Armstrong, and The Duke and I by Julia Quinn. I could take those books to a day at the beach and have a great time, even though I’ve read them each, like, six times.

Pepsi or Coke?
If my only options are soda, Coke. But if I’m drinking diet, Diet Pepsi. And if I have a choice, water or milk (2%, ice cold, please).

If you could only ever read one other blog, which one would you read?
Oh, holy crap. I have no idea. Why you asking these hard questions?!

What kind of bribe would it take for you to proclaim that Cassie Edwards Rules The World?
Seriously? Just one bribe? A guarantee of my own television network filled with all my favorite shows, even the ones that got cancelled due to the fact that I and exactly four other people liked them and the rest of the tv-watching world likes crap I hate (for the record: Cupid, SportsNight, and The American Embassy all fit that list). Plus, I’d have to have a lifetime supply of Oreos, milk, cereal, and chocolate chip cookies, and a metabolism that would power corporate generators so I never had to get up off the sofa and try to lose the weight. In addition, a stack of marvelously perfect romance novels, the kind that have not one single flaw and invite me back to read again and again. AND I’d need a staggering amount of money.

What is the single most embarrassing book that you could admit to loving (and really do love?)
Knight in Shining Armor. Jude Deveraux. I know, I know. But gosh I love that book. It’s not quite a HEA, and it’s not quite historically accurate to the detail, but I’m a sucker for Douglass and Nick.

What’s your favorite cheese? (cheese and romance cliché)
Favorite cheese: boursin, and soft goat cheeses. Favorite cheesy romantic cliché: bodyguard/guardian romances.

Are you two aspiring authors? [I’m testing the popularised ‘reviewer is a secret writer wannabe’ theory]
I don’t think I read books without wondering how I could improve on them, and I do write, though mostly non-fiction. But have I written a romance? No. My prose writing muscles are far stronger than my fiction writing muscles and I never really have the patience or the attention span for a long-term plot. However, if someone wanted to publish my five-year-old online journal? I’m happy to call myself a published author then!

Will you ever reveal the URL of your old web sites? Or shall I?
It is so not hard to find mine, I think.

Hardback, trade or mass paperback?
Either. But I won’t buy hardbacks at full price. Really. So few pieces of writing are worth my $25.00. Sorry, all you publishing folks out there.

Of which authors are you fangirls?
Julia Quinn, for her early works, especially. Janet Evanovich. Teresa Medieros. Jennifer Crusie. Emma Holly. And I’m a recovering Nora Roberts junkie. We have an organization. We’re the NRA.

Why do you swear so much? Why the fuck not?

What’s your favorite freeway?
Connecticut Merritt Parkway & California Highway 1. Note: freeways only exist on the west coast, really. Around here, in the northeast, a good many roads are toll. And the Garden State Parkway is so not a scenic masterpiece anyway. It should be free.

If you had to be any one TSTL heroine, which one would you be, and why?
Meriel from Uncommon Vows by Mary Jo Putney. I wanted to smack her silly, but for a few hundred pages with Adrian? I’d have a hard time resisting him. And I wouldn’t go running out a window to fall into the enemy’s clutches, either. I’d stay right there with him. No window diving, no dashing off in a huff. Just me and Adrian, wine and a fire.

If you could beat any TSTL heroine to a bloody pile of fawning, swooning whimper, who would it be, and can I help?
Candy’s going to shit a brick sideways, but I want five minutes with Crusie’s Maddie from Tell Me Lies. Gosh, she annoyed the ever living shit out of me.

What’s your favorite cereal?
I love the uneconomic cereals that take up far too much room in the box, like Honeycombs, and Cracklin’ Oat Bran, but my heart belongs to Honey Nut Cheerios.

Who’s the smarter bitch?
You are. No, you are.

If you were to be stranded on a itty-bitty-island and could only bring one thing, who or what would you take with you?
Hubby.

Who does your make-up?
I do. Badly. It’s gone by 11am, so check me in the am or miss your chance to see me with eyeliner. After 1pm it’s all gone and I have to remember to reapply lipstick.

What’s the worst movie you’ve seen?
Underworld, with Kate Beckinsale, is the worst movie of recent note. We call it “Underwear.” Also, City of Angels with Meg Ryan and Nicholas Cage. God damn that thing blew monkey cock.

Worst book read?
I’m taking the liberty of listing three. Sometimes, often, in fact, I read romance and romantic suspense because I don’t want to have to worry about much, like whether there will be a happily ever after, or the wherefore and how behind the hero and heroine’s issues. Sometimes, I just want brain candy, so at those times, I put up with a lot of crap. But vacations have been marred by the horrid writing and terrible plot decisions I found in the following books. They were too bad to let pass without a remark along the lines of, “This book sucks!” And of course, I kept reading: Honey Moon by Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Dream Man by Linda Howard, and The Maze by Catherine Coulter.

What’s your favorite TV show? Worst TV show?
Favorite TV Show: SportsNight, Cupid and Beavis and Butthead. Worst TV Show: Anything involving Dick Vitale. I can't listen to him. Makes me want to break things. Slowly. And loudly.

Okay, if your favorite author came up to you and said “Candy/Sarah, I want to write a romance novel customized to your specifications (plot, hero type, heroine type)” what would you select to go in that novel?
Plot: Forbidden or trying-to-resist romance Hero type: Smart, slightly dorky, biiiig brain, biiiig dong, and trying desperately to avoid his feelings for the heroine, and being unable to resist her. Heroine: Smart, clever, funny, and not totally hung up on whether he likes her or he likes her likes her. But he has to earn her trust and is unable to stop the compulsion to do so.

Beef or chicken? Both. With a side order of fish.

What are you like in real life? Do you talk as openly with real people? Would you be as funny if I met you in person?
If I got to know you, yes, I’m wicked funny. I’m pretty low key and I have a snarky, sometimes mean, and very dry sense of humor, but I’m reluctant to bust out with it from the get-go because some people don’t get me. However, I’m just as open and entertaining in real life. I don't say things here that I wouldn't necessarily say out loud. I'm pretty consistent online or off, unless my children are present. Then I don't cuss so much.

American version: skeet or ho? English version: minger or todger dodger? Scottish version: cowping or madbit?
Warning: all have different meanings. Wait, are you asking my preference, or which I’d like to have in the house? Skeet smells after awhile, but a ho brings nasty nasty into the house. But the ho can bring in some cash so I’ll put her in the basement. I’d have a better time hanging out with the todger dodger than the minger. And as for that last one, I’d rather not have the floozy madbit in the house with the ho. Just asking for trouble.

Which would you prefer to wrestle in, Jell-O or pudding?
Jello. It would stay in relatively solid pieces, making cleanup easier. Pudding I’d be combing out of my nether hairs for weeks to come. Huh huh. “Come.”

And really, I know you all just want picture of my cats - and me.

This is Ohta, known as Spawn.

This is Fukui-san, Spawn's brother. They were named after the commentators on the show Iron Chef. Fukui passed away in 2009.

This is Oliver, known as Diggus, or Doo. He's the master of the house (cats).

This is Grace, Oliver's sister. She's the true master of the house, and, aside from me, the only other girl. She would like you to tell her she's beautiful, even though she already knows it.

This is what happens when you put the bacon tray in the sink.