Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

I laughed out loud at the “Pirate with Aspirations” bit.

I can’t decide whether this review makes me want to read the book or not. I mean, partly it sounds awful. And partly it sounds AWESOMELY awful.

“Ayla would feel inadequate next to Adora.”  Kind of lost it there.  Oh, Ayla, Ancestral Mary Sue, how I love you.

I can’t decide whether this review makes me want to read the book or not. I mean, partly it sounds awful. And partly it sounds AWESOMELY awful.

I was going in that direction until I hit the Wall and bounced off of it.  You know that I’m a completeist and have trainwreck snydrome, right?  So how bad can it be that even *I* won’t finish it?

Yeah.

I draw the line at heroines with purple eyes.  Immediate disqualification for bringing to mind those Elizabeth Taylor perfume commercials.

Alexander the Pirate With Aspirations

So glad I wasn’t drinking coffee when I read this!

I’m also glad I read Ms. Small’s early books back in the day. I’ve always cheered on her commitment to her heroines having satisfying sex with multiple partners without freaking out over it.  However, I agree with you that this one likely falls short of how we define a romance novel.

Is there anyone here who has read this book who can finish the summary? I’m kinda curious to see how it all ends.

I vaguely remember this book. I remember more clearly thinking, what the fuckkk???? as I read it.

Good ol’ Bertrice Small. She was the first (and possibly only?) author in my experience to introduce ANAL SEX into a “romance”. Yeah, that was romantic. “Bend over my dear and let me anoint your rosy aperture with fragrant oils after which I will—-” well, you get the picture. (Kind of makes me wonder what Ms. Small’s home life is like.)

Prospective readers: Small’s books are not romance/romantic at all. They are just formulaic, bare-bones lusty rides through (insert historical event and/or era here).

* STAR

I started reading Small’s books in those early days of puberty and loved them (of course). Even this one. I have yet to go back and revisit the earlier ones (I think I will always love Skye O’Malley), but her later books have gotten that stale feeling. Still, I’m able to actually get through them unlike the romances that have been published in the last 10 years or so.

Of the entire review, the dildo comment made me laugh the most. Yes, dildos are not a late 20th century invention, amazing as that might be. No silicone and glitter and such, but they definitely served their purpose. :D

I enjoy your reviews more than I would ever enjoy reading the actual book! I read an old skool last year sometime (To Drink the Wine or something like that) set in the Australian outback where the hero and heroine end up hiding in a river for several days to escape a wild fire set by her deranged raptastic mail-ordering bride husband. I think I was convalescing from a back injury and bed ridden at the time or I would not have finished it.

At any rate, thank your for going above and beyond the call ;)

I must add my voice to: “Alexander the Pirate with Aspirations”=hahahahaha!  :D

I read this book!! That whole hate-fucking thing really did not sit well with me.  I must have read it when I was 12 or 13 (dear gods, really?) because my mother had not these books, but my sister’s friend-for whom I babysat-had a romance-reading mother.  She also put in my hands Clan of the Cave Bear.  Let me tell you, you are NOT ready for Neanderthal rape or other kinds of hate-fucking at 12.  It makes you crawl into your bed and pull the covers up and promise your eternal virginity to Artemis or Mary or whoever’s out there listening. 

*shudder*

I read this when it came out - my aunt was a huge Small fan, I think it’s why my cousin hates reading.

I’m trying to recall the ending for GDub but I might be confusing it with The Kadin? I think Murad dies and then the sister moves in with her kids and a whole bunch of people have to be killed but Adora lives on with her son in power…. but no, I think that’s the Kadin. The two books were pretty similar.

with my apologies to mr. mimi, being able to bang away for hours is a quality i wouldn’t under-rate!

What a perfect way to start the day! Coffee and a RHG review of a book by an author I’ve never appreciated. One of my bff’s adores her. I tried Skye O’Malley, really I did, but… gargh!!! Being of an equally compulsive bent when it comes to book finishing, it remains one of the few dnf’s in my reading history.
And thanks, I’m going to be pirating and bastardizing “pirate with aspirations” for at least a week.

*Applauds*

Excellent scorcher and I couldn’t agree more. I tried one Small book and that was one too many for me.

Let’s hope they had sandpaper back in those days, otherwise splinters in the hoo-ha would not be pleasant.

I love RHG reviews because I always learn new vocabulary…hate-fucking, ripshit. LOVE IT!!

And like you RHG, I have a thing about smells so I admire your fortitude for even trying to read the damn shit-tastic thing.

when I first read this book, I couldn’t stop thinking of Adora as Awhora, but that’s because I was young and inexperienced.  Now I just think the whole book is silly trash.

I like Bertrice Small’s books up until the early 1990s then it all seemed to go to hell.  She got a terminal case of I’m-rich-and-famous-I-can-write-books-that-suck-and-they’ll-still-sell-itis and is in the downward spiral.  LKH has this diease, too.

Hate-fucking, aye, good word!  I always hated the ‘I hate you, I hate you too!  Let’s fuck!’ thing.

Every time I see a Beatrice Small book I hear the phrase “pretty little b*tch” in my head. The only book I’ve read of hers was after one of my friends jokingly called her sister that after reading a Small book…interest peaked, I read the book. All I really remember is a lot WTF moments and the villain calling some women his “pretty little b*tch”. It made a lasting impression, since 10 years later I still hear that phrase in my head whenever I see the author’s name.

This review just reinforces my decision not read any of her other books…and now I’ll have that phrase running through my head the rest of the day. Yeah.

I’ve never read any Beatrice Small books, but this review reminds me of an old Catherine Coulter that scarred me for life.  Sometimes it seems like the authors don’t even like their characters - they’re either loathesome or hit by one trauma after another.  No thank you.  I don’t need my HEA to come via multiple tragedies and asshat “heroes”.

The plot has the same tropes in another of Small’s books I read back in the day.

Beautiful virgin taught the arts of love, no consummation until she’s of legal age by 20th century western standards.

Every guy who sees her wants her.

She’s kidnapped. Often.

Sold as a slave. Several times, IIRC.

Raped and/or faux-raped.  In this book’s case someone whacked the kidnapper’s weenie off in war, so he pretends to rape her for the benefit of his men who are listening to proceedings outside of the love-tent.

The hero rescues her and calls her a whore (you say that like it’s a bad thing).

She’d vindicated and her virginity proved. (Someone bothers to check the kidnapper and finds his wedding-tackle is missing.)

She and forgiving hero—like she shouldn’t be mad that he’s been a complete dickhead? (Pun intended)—have babies.

The heroine’s life story is recounted in detail at least once every 100 pages or so, in case we forgot that she was sold as a slave, bought by a Byzantine prince who was gay until he meets her, has her educated in the arts of love, but he’s murdered by an old male lover (homophobia anyone?), then she finds her way back to England, meets her Twu Wuv, is kidnapped some more, faux raped, rescued, there’s a major war, babies, then they bring in her little sister who will likely star in the next book.

One of those is enough for one lifetime—but I can see that this is exactly the kind of mind candy that a lot of women would enjoy having on the bedside table while hubby is snoozing on the couch with his remote and ESPN.

Sometimes you really ARE in the mood for junk-food writing.

Me?  I’m gonna reread my whole collection of Mary Stewart.

While I, too, cannot read the Old Skool romances such as this and Rosemary Rogers (seriously, things must have been pretty bad back in the day for Sweeter Savage Love to be considered such a wonderful book), I do have some advice on physically smelly books.  You can put it in a plastic bag, of the Ziploc variety, with a fresh dryer sheet.  That generally gets most of the smell out (I also dislike books that have been in a smoker’s house and discovered this works very well for that).

Interesting comments but I thought this one from Cherry_Handpie was out of bounds:

“(Kind of makes me wonder what Ms. Small’s home life is like.)”

What’s up with the personal attacks against authors?

And I would be curious what Cherry_Handpie thinks about erotica and M/M books that may reference anal sex.

Oh RHG,, what a wonderful holiday surprise it was to pull up the SBTB site this morning and see this! You’ll receive no demerits for not being able to finish the book, but big thanks for getting as far as you did and reporting back to everyone.

Yeah, I read this book.  Least favorite B. Smalls book.  (I call her B. Smalls because it’s my nickname for her and in my mind she is my bestie).  Lost me at the breast ripping execution.

She also put in my hands Clan of the Cave Bear.  Let me tell you, you are NOT ready for Neanderthal rape or other kinds of hate-fucking at 12.  It makes you crawl into your bed and pull the covers up and promise your eternal virginity to Artemis or Mary or whoever’s out there listening.

I read Clan of the Cave bear when I was 10 on a holiday where I ran out of books after 3 days, and then I just picked the biggest one lying around. I used to play Ayla all the time(*), and once I explained the whole totem thing to my mother, who was then totally outraged that I believed women where of a lower social status. So Clan of the Cave Bear caused my first lesson in feminism. That fight with my mother left a way bigger impression than the rape thing.

(*By the time I was 16th I pretended to be a timetravelling Ayla and acted out her reactions to all kinds of stuff. fun times!)

Thanks for RTS so I DHT.

Like Andee posted earlier, I too have an automatic shut-the-book-immediately for heroines with purple eyes.

Almost as bad a silver hair.  But not quite.

Well, better purple eyes and silver hair than silver eyes and purple hair.

Or maybe not…

So she hires Alexander the Great to kill her, but Alexander the Great knows that Byzantium is bankrupt, so he does the capitalist thing and holds out for the actual money.

This explains why romance heroes were always rich in the 90s; their ancestors knew the value of hard work and passed it down to their tycoon great great grandsons. Along with the whole kidnapping/rape thing. 

I love your reviews RHG. I’m curious, how far did you get? Because old skool books are kind of jam packed with WTFs, so did all this happen in the first hundred pages or did it take a little longer than that?

Karen H: Thanks for the tip.

ba: Thank you for that.

YOU GUYS I AM DONE WITH FINALS

I AM HALF DONE WITH LAW SCHOOL HOLY CRAP.

Ahem.

Sorry.  It’s POSSIBLE I’ve been drinking.

...maybe.

Lets see:  @orangehands:  I think that was something like halfway.  I’m oing to say 250 page, give or take.

Re: Clan of the Cave Bear:  Read it at WAY too damn young- was utterly shocked that there could be SEX in BOOKS.  I am tempted to do a both barrels critique of Shelters of Stone and why I suspect Jean M. Auel is actually dead or incapacitated and is now being ghostwritten.

I read Cave Bear at ten.  I read those books until they fell apart.  I got new copies that Christmas.  My mother folded down the pages as I went through, saying, “Skip these,” so I did (look, I am just that kind of person) ...the first few times.  Then I read them, and being ten, whatever.  I was the kind of ten who, even after reading the books apart, didn’t pick up that a woman’s legs should be apart during sex.  Then the sex got boring compared to the Ancestral Mary Sue parts, weirdly enough.

What book Shelters of Stone?  That book DIDN’T HAPPEN.  I would wait longer for a good fifth book.

I am just gonna give a big WTF about this one

My mom had the entire Cave Bear collection (at least the ones printed out on the mid 90’s). And I read them all up to the one where they go back to Jondalar’s family and I think they meet his mother… I believe I was around 12, but the thing that I remember the most is how they expected to marry Ayla’s son to a girl in another clan who was like him (half-half) and I kept wondering how their children would be treated… (yeah, lots of bullies in my school)

I also read Valley of the Horses from the Clan of the Cave Bear series at around ten. It was my first romance novel, actually. Someone thought it would be a good idea to donate it to my elementary school’s Student Book Swap and I saw the word “horses” and figured it would be a good follow up to Black Beauty and the Saddleclub books in my horse-crazed reading. Suffice to say, I was really not expecting detailed descriptions of giant penises.

I read Clan of the Cave Bear at 10 or earlier. I know this because I was 12 in 1985 when Mammoth Hunters came out and I met Ms. Auel at a book signing. My mother took me. Since she’d been the one to give me Clan of the Cave Bear and Valley of the Horses and I had been SLAVERING for the next book.

Ms. Auel was very nice. And very, very surprised to be conversing in depth with a 12-yo over her work.

Ok, as the person - or one of - who asked you to review this, RHG, I both apologize for making you slog through it and thank you for that masterful (mistressly?) review and smackdown. Adora looms large in my mental reading history, since it was the first time I encountered S-E-X in a book and I was just a nubile young virgin of 14 myself, at the time. I had forgotten an awful lot of this (thank goodness!) though not the “deflowering” scene (eww!) or the super-nasty sister.  (I just hope that my later interest in the Middle East and the whole learning Arabic thing cannot be traced back to my encounter with Adora’s harem hijinks…)

Congratulations on being halfway done with school!

I remember stumbling upon a copy of Valley of Horses on a camping trip once… I forget how old I was, but I didn’t read it.  When I discovered it was a sequel to CotCB, I was sold.  Didn’t like Mammoth Hunters so much, because soap operas were not my deal (and it was perfectly obvious that Ranec was a blip, nothing more).  LOVED Plains of Passage (and still do), but Shelters of Stone?  Seriously, I think she’s got a ghostwriter.

I TOTALLY read this book! I think I HAVE it somewhere too! No clue what happens at the end but the getting her ready and then taking her with a wooden dildo I will ALWAYS remember. Crazy stuff.

RHG, I do dearly heart your reviews and please don’t ever stop doing reviews or I will have to take it out on the husb. and kids. Truly.

I wonder whether you would DNF one of the Rosemary Rogers books? I mean, I started laughing during one of them (I think I was in the college library, supposed to be doing something else) when Ginny said “Oh, God!” for the forty-seventh time that chapter. She was supposed to be this smart woman and she had NO vocabulary to speak of.

It also seems to me there was a parody of the Old Skool Romances called, what? “Love’s Reckless Rash” or something. Help me, eternal bitchery! Anyone read it?

“Constantinople (not Istanbul)” is totally my favorite part of this review. Though “Pirate with Aspirations” is a close second.

@JaneyD—“bought by a Byzantine prince who was gay until he meets her, has her educated in the arts of love, but he’s murdered by an old male lover (homophobia anyone?)”

OMG, I have read that book, long long ago. What is it?

RHG, you MUST do a critique of Shelters of Stone. If only because I need the refresher before the last book comes out in April (which I’ve pre-ordered, ahem). I love those books, though I did skip at least half of each one because I really don’t need to know how to make a travois for Baby, thanks.

Loved the Adora review, as I do all your work. You coin the most marvelous phrases which my roommate and I giggle at over IM when we both read the reviews at work.

THERE’S A NEW ONE COMING OUT???

OMG. Even if Shelters of Stone was my biggest reading disappointment ever, I’m still totally fangirling out.

Shelters of Stone was so boring! And I knew it was going to be so, because the one before that was boring, too. Yet…I read the thing anyway. And if the new one comes my way, I might have to give it a go, even though, for the life of me, I can’t remember a single thing that happened in SoS except a woman dying or falling sick and all the other cave women nursing her baby. Which, I believe, was Ayla’s idea. As is everything.

Never read it. This is the Mary Sue who invented like, twenty different things? Zippers I believe were among them?

RHG: Congratulations! I will say, those old skools had a lot of things happening in them. WTF things, but things nonetheless.

“Alexander the Pirate With Aspirations ” LMAO!

Not sure, ‘cause I’m not an historian, but I think he was a fictional character.

JaneyD & Amy - I think the book you referred to is The Enchantress.  But it’s been a long time since I read it, and I no longer have a copy of it. 

Verification word - points 83 - I think that book was published in 83!  Showing my age here…

My favourite description of the Ayla series is “Mary Sue walks across Europe slowly” but can’t remember who said it or where. Yes I will be looking for the new book in April, but I refuse to reread Shelters of Stone!

From RHG’s review, I thought I had read this at first, but I think it must have been another BS as I don’t remember Alexander the pirate with aspirations and surely he would be unforgettable. In the book I read I remember the heroine being trained in the ‘arts of love’ and someone’s sister being kidnapped in revenge and used as a camp whore and subsequently committing suicide when her family felt disgraced/disowned her as she was no longer a virgin. It was at this point the book hit the wall.

Thanks RHG for reading this so I don’t have to buy brain bleach.

Ug. I feel your pain, RHG. I hate smelly books too. Because I work in a library I get a lot turned in by heavy smokers. There also used to be a patron whom read gardening books - she must’ve used a seriously heavily perfumed lotion on her hands because the books would have this strong reeky floral scent that would last for months.

I looked up awhile ago how to deal with bad smelling books. The fabric softener sheet was one trick. However I think the really interesting one was where they used this stuff morgues use on rotting bodies. Pour it in a bag, put the book in the bag, seal it up for a week.

I’ve also heard kitty litter works.

As for the book - SO not a romance. Reminds me vaguely of one I read in high school, can’t remember the author or anything. I do remember it was part of a series and it dealt with way back when Inuits. Girl falls in love. Girl marries him. I THINK girl has his baby but I could be wrong. Somehow she gets separated and forcibly married to someone else. She has a baby with him too. I remember a scene where some baby’s mom dies and they try to have a pregnant woman nurse him - I can’t remember if the baby survived or not but I remember the bit about how the pregnant woman was giving milk because she hadn’t delivered yet, just a yellowish liquid that wasn’t helping the baby thrive.

I do remember how much I hated the ending because her One True Love finally finds her and he has the right to reclaim her - but she chooses to stay with her current husband, whom she does not love, simply because they have a child together. I kept thinking, “You don’t love this guy! GO WITH YOUR REAL HUSBAND YOU IDIOT AND TAKE YOUR KID WITH YOU!!!!”

It was one of the first times I wanted to crawl into the book and bitch-slap the heroine.

I’m with whomever said this sounded like some of those old- skool Catherine Coulter books. I was about 13 when I started raiding my mom’s stash and grabbed ahold of Chandra. Ahole dude wants her fortune so he seizes the castle and rapes her maid in front of her to make her submit. Ahole dude is defeated by “hero” (who while also an Ahole is slightly less aholeish than Ahole Dude) and Ahole Dude spends the rest of the book alternating between Vengeful Hate and Vengeful Lust (At 13 I didn’t know there was such a thing).
Imagine my surprise when Ahole Dude ends up as the HERO of the 2nd book. Holy Crap… also he didn’t learn that RAPE=Bad until 3/4 through the book. Oh, and the Wife of Ahole Dude runs into Chandra and her maid from the 1st book and recognizes Ahole Dude to be the father of Maid’s Baby (who had married and baby accepted by the one awesomely cool guy in the whole series, but who was not a “hero”). So what does Wifey Poo do? NOTHING… she “forgives” Ahole Dude for raping the other chick and herself and goes on like nothing had ever been wrong. Hello Stockholm Syndrome.

That was my introduction to romance anyway ;)

“...that’s nobody’s business but the Turks!”  Thank you, RHG, for replacing the Muppets 12 Days of Christmas that has been in my head all day (the offspring are forcing me to listen to the all-Christmas radio station).

And thanks for taking another one for the team.  I read one Bertrice Small when I was young and impressionable, “Unconquered,” and apparently that was enough because in 30 years of romance reading I never read another.  Stay away from “Sweet Savage Love” and even worse “Wicked Loving Lies” for your own sanity.  Somehow I did manage to read about ten-deep into her backlist, well before I left high school.

I read this one and I think I may still have it.  I never throw books away.  I’ve enjoyed some of Ms. Small’s work but I didn’t like this one.  I believe it was the whole harem dynamic that I disliked.  I can’t believe in a relationship when the “hero” keeps choosing to sleep with other women after he’s fallen in love with the heroine.

I hated this one b/c I think Adora, later in the relationship, conspired with the Chief Eunuch to send the hero bedmates who were beautiful but stupid.  If I ever sent my hubby a bedmate he’d know she was wired to explode and blow them both to the outer regions of Hades. 
 
And BTW RHG - good job with law school.  Hang in there.  I made it and you will too. You’ll make it; you’ll survive the bar exam and before you know it, you’ll be taking the oath.  And a good thing too - the world needs a lot more “Smart Bitches” at the bar!

Well, better purple eyes and silver hair than silver eyes and purple hair.

Um, I have purple eyes and silver hair.

Inexplicably, though, I don’t seem to inspire uncontrollable lust in every male human I encounter.  I have never been kidnapped—EVER.

Well, my eyes look purple when I wear that colour.  And yes, there’s still a lot of brown in the hair.  And I haven’t been 18 in a long, long time, so my colouring really isn’t all that stand-out.  So maybe that’s why.

In other news, I’ve never read the Cave Bear books.  I had to google Ayla.  I’ve also never read Bertrice Small or Rosemary Rogers.  I did, however, DEVOUR the Angelique series when I was a ‘tween, several dozen times.

Totally sounds like another Small book I read, might’ve been Kadin (the first Small book I read introduced me to anal sex in romance at a tender age, O.o). I especially remember the ending of probably-Kadin that made me go ‘wtf’ because King John basically forces (a now much older and happily married - after being in a harem for ages - heroine) to sleep with him behind her husband’s back. Now, if I’d gone into the book expecting something other than a romance, I might’ve been okay with all the freakin’ weird partner-swapping. I could’ve been convinced that sleeping with the king was a shrewd, political move (if only it wasn’t written like the woman was a victim of a lustful king and ‘did her duty’). But no. The entire book was simply of one girl being a toy to various men throughout her life.

Pretty much never touched another Bertrice Small book again. *thumbs up*

[If this shows up twice, I apologize.]

I’m making an Xmas wish for a world where Smart Bitches has become so successful that they can afford to pay RHG enough to quit law school and review old romances for a living. It could happen!! Lawyers can’t make THAT much money, they advertise during Maury after all. :P

Your reviews are the best reading I’ve done in awhile and the enjoyment of the reviews are only exceeded by the awesome comments ! Love it!

What book is next?

What? Over 50 comments, and still no one’s posted the ending?!

Adora was one of my very first encounters with sex in books (and certainly the most graphic, since the first were Anne McCaffrey novels), and at 13, it didn’t matter how terrible the book was, I was going to finish it. I distinctly recall being highly disturbed by the deflowering, however.

Anyway, once Adora hooks up with Murad legally, she makes a big fuss about being his slave, and after graphic hate-sex they realize they’re being complete idiots because the guy who runs the harem, I think it was, tells Murad “Oh yeah, that time your father raped your love slave? That was just to get a castle and stuff. So you know!” And Murad’s all “Well hell, I guess I can stop being a jerk to her all the time now.” So he and Adora have lust-sex instead.

Meanwhile, there’s a whole plot going on about who Murad’s heir is going to be, and as part of his various miltary conquests he ends up with another love slave courtesy of some conquered king or general. (He was going to say no, but her father had her enter the room naked during negotiations and Murad’s all “...Okay.”) Adora, remembering that it kind of sucks to be bartered away like that, says that Murad should marry her (the girl; I can’t remember her name - oh yeah, and at some point Murad marries Adora too, to please her since she’s Christian even though he doesn’t see the point) so he does.

Girl turns out to be a total bitch, and her son (because Murad’s required to knock her up for the dowry because the plot goes full circle like that) conspires against Adora’s sons, cozying up to them and then getting all but one of them killed by… leaving them out in the cold? Whatever. He had also been put up to it by and was sleeping with Adora’s sister, who hates and fears her sister not because she’s a Mary Sue but because when Adora got sent off to be the old sultan’s bride, she spitefully told her older sister that she’d be back after her husband conquered Constantinople, and her sister’s lived in fear of that forever and is constantly trying to ruin Adora’s life. Moving on.

Murderer son gets either executed or maimed, I can’t remember which, and his accomplice gets “temporarily” blinded by an acid bath because Murad shows mercy because everyone involved was kind of a total idiot, and then not much else happens for the rest of the book, or at least not much else involving sex, which was the part I was interested in at 14. (In-between all the succession stuff is everyone having large amounts of sex. About the most non-hate sex scene comes when Adora decides to learn to belly dance for Murad, and surprises him after he shows up after a long campaign away with a couple of naked slave girls for him to fondle while he eats dinner and get him in the mood for her dance.)

Murad eventually dies on campaign, I think (but not before he and Adora have old-people sex and their son thinks it’s gross), and Adora’s son-that’s-still-alive takes over. She’s out walking around in a garden, being old, when she sees Murad’s ghost asking her to come with him, and she smiles and dies. The end. (The final page is an author’s note that Adora’s son didn’t conquer Constantinople either, but her grandson sure did.)

Whew. I hope everyone is enlightened now. I’d feel ashamed for recalling so much, but figure it’s worse that I made it to book six of the Sword of Truth series. My teenage self had no standards, none at all.

Thanks very much Ducky. That really shed some light (!!) on the shenanigans in this book. Read one Betrice Small book once, and it was so WTF I never read another. Loved both RHG’s review, and Ducky’s summary.

@Ducky: Great synopsis….

You’re braver than I am with regards to the Goodkind books. I gave up on them when I got to the point where the H/h couldn’t have sex because they might create an uber-powerful world destroying son. I can deal with unrequited lust. But wait, a character who’s been dead for ages, shows up out of nowhere in the last five pages of the book and gives them an out-of-world experience, just so they can get it on without consequences. Book meets wall, and those were some BIG books.

I would absolutely read a book featuring a heroine with silver eyes and purple hair.

And man, Ayla. I re-read Clan of the Cave Bear over Thanksgiving, and it’s…interesting. I seem to remember the series goes downhill exponentially: CotCB is pretty good, Valley of Horses is meh—and “The Mother’s Gift of Pleasures”? Really? Gonna start calling Jondalar and his buddies the Twee-Magnon people now, thanks—Mammoth Hunters/Plains of Passage are a bundle of WTF MAMMOTH SEX MARY SUE. Did not read Shelters of Stone, do not regret it.

I have to say that the review and all the comments here clearly seem to be more entertaining than reading the actual book. So I think I pass on this novel and just say “THANK YOU” to everyone here. This review made me laugh till I had tears in my eyes.

Happy Holidays to you all and I anxiously await RHG next review.

Jenn

@ Amy—That was “Enchantress Mine” and thankfully neither it or any of Jean Auel’s stone-age soap opera were my introduction to books with sex or I would have been scarred for life. The heroine had lots of red hair, a big protector to keep her from getting raped as a child—hard luck for the non-beautiful kids—and psychic “Sight” that scared everyone and got her first sale into slavery ‘cause her step mom didn’t like her.  (E-vul stepmom, another Small trope.)

My first sex-in-books encounter was reading a Travis McGee mystery by John D. MacDonald, whose hero truly was heroic and possessed a respect, wonder, and admiration for women, and the writing reflected that. Travis was an artist: the lady was always left content and interested in future encounters. Travis was part-time therapist, full time hero, and could always tell when to give her space. His women had their own agendas and however awesome in bed the hero, were not prone to abandon them.

Whenever I heard of someone claiming Auel had a “strong heroine” I would demand to know why, “If she’s the medicine woman of the clan and getting raped every day by a jerk, why doesn’t she arrange to dump a dose of foxglove or mandrake into his bear stew and save us all a lot of bad writing?”

Am serious on the bad writing part.  The opening to Clan of the Cave Bear would be a finalist in the Bulwar-Lytton Worst First Sentence contest.  I read it, thinking it would have to get better, only it didn’t.

The sex in Valley of Horses was of the tab-A into slot-B variety and I fell asleep in the middle of one such 20-page scene. If Auel taught me anything, it was “Don’t write like this!” and that it was okay to skip pages if they looked to be a waste of words.  Better words were out there!

I also learned that a writer’s life ain’t fair, sometimes the most gag-worthy hacks, writing the same book again and again, end up on the bestseller lists, while really good writers languish forgotten and unrewarded.

Heh—“strong53” as a password.  LOL!

Ok. I must admit this was one of the first books I ever read. Though the prose is purple and the story ...well.. the story is highly unbelievable, I have a serious soft spot in my heart for this book. I thoroughly enjoyed it as a 12 year old. So much so I bought it for my collection as an adult. I guess nostalgia has a way of canceling out the WTFery. Now as an adult I re-read it simply for the laughs and to remember those days when I stole reads of romance novels by bathroom light.

RHG I lurrvvve your reviews! My favorite was Alexander the Pirate with Aspirations, thank you very much.

My first sex-in-book was a Janet Daily of my grandpa’s. yeehaw. started out with reporter Laine seeking her birth mother, ended up with her shagging the moody ranchhand Creed. I still have that book.

She runs away to Constantinople (not Istanbul)

Anyone who can put a TMBG quote into a WTF read is aces with me.

I should say TMBG reference NOT quote.

Redheaded girl, when it comes to guest reviews, you are the Bryce Larkin to my Season 1 Chuck.  Congrats on midway through lawschool too!

Interesting comments but I thought this one from Cherry_Handpie was out of bounds:

“(Kind of makes me wonder what Ms. Small’s home life is like.)”

What’s up with the personal attacks against authors?

And I would be curious what Cherry_Handpie thinks about erotica and M/M books that may reference anal sex.

I don’t see that it was necessarily an attack. Maybe Cherry_Handpie just suspicions that the author has an interesting love life. Personally, I’ve never wondered what an author’s work says about them as a person. Other people discussing it might make me think about it, but normally it’s not something even crosses my mind.

And, hey, anal sex isn’t for everyone! Some people are squicked by the mere thought of it, some people have tried it and not liked it, some people like to do it now and again and some people love it. Cherry_Handpie is entitled to like it or not. Not liking a thing doesn’t automatically mean you think anyone who does like it is sick and any books that include it are filth.

There are very few books that will not finish, I even read all through a Catherine Coulter, complete with rape scene and obligatory “asshat ‘hero’”, that I bought from my library. They sell bags of paperback romances that have been stapled shut, so you never know what you’re going to find in there. Some of the books are new, some are old, but they’re all in good condition. I read them and then put the ones I don’t want to keep up on paperbackswap. Anyhow, that was t he first and last Coulter I ever read. I picked up a Beatrice Smalls a while back and I recall that I did not finish it. She had the heroine married to a nice fellow who adored her, but she didn’t love him, then he dies and she is forced by circumstances to marry a fellow she doesn’t know, who is a real tool at first. There’s hate fucking, the anal sex, which her first husband never introduced her to, but her bff tells her a man who loves you will eventually want to do, and lots of fighting. Eventually I just got tired of the hero being a jerk face, often on purpose, and the heroine with her I-feel-guilty-for-wanting-you-like-I-never-wanted-my-dead-hubby-when-you’re-a-total-tool-and-he-treated-me-like-a-princess-so-I’m-going-to-fuck-you-but-feel-horrible-about-it-and-be-a-total-harpy. Yeah, I just hyphenated all that. Don’t ask me why.

When it comes to Bertrice Small and unplumbed abysses of excreable writing you could always have a look at her Hetar series. She is trying her hand at Fantasy. Or SF.
And fails epically.
And the damned things are just as bad as the worst of her “plain” Romance books. No, worse. She used the “fantasy” and “magic” aspect in those books to try to camouflage disastrous plotting and illogic. But very badly.
I don’t really understand how I actually managed to read all the series to the very bad-tasting end!
You are hereby warned!

This book sounds like an erotica tale gone amuck.  From the description, I can think of several plot elements that have been used in the Black Lace series (drug/aphrodisiac, vengeful female rival, using a dildo to “prepare ” a virgin)—but then it goes WAY over the top with a father-son-heroine triangle, a pirate-son-heroine triangle, multiple pregnancies by multiple fathers (I think, from the description), and far more hate-sex than lust-sex or love-sex.  This sounds like a parody of an old-school rape-tastic romance novel.

RHG, you are again hilarious.  Love the other parts mentioned, also I laughed when you pointed out that the Ottoman Turk word for “adorable” would not have been “adorable”.

Cherry_Handpie, that sounds like a really squicky intro to anal.  I don’t blame you for the mental scars.

find32:  Find 32 examples of hate-sex in Adora.

And I would be curious what Cherry_Handpie thinks about erotica and M/M books that may reference anal sex.

Dear ba:

I thought it was obvious that I was joking when I posed the question, “I wonder what Bertrice Small’s home life is like”.  Do you really consider that a personal attack? Really?? I didn’t say she sucked or that she must visit truck stops in order to find some random, strange back-door action.

I have no issue with most consensual sexual acts in erotica. My issue with Bertrice Small’s books is that they were marketed as romances and IMHO they are anything but.  They are, as I mentioned in my post, formulaic and, well, exhausting! It’s as if she followed some sort of imaginary book-by-numbers instructional as she wrote. Sadly I never found myself caring about Small’s H/h’s.

I read this book when I was fairly young and stupid and thought I had to finish any book I picked up,  or that I had to read and profess to like whatever book my friends were talking about.  (Or steal whatever pot-boiler my mom was reading in order devour it on the sly before she passed it on to one of her friends.)  I clearly remember finding Adora tiring and tiresome as well as off-putting and not in the least romantic, much like “Sweet Savage Love”, another exhausting (yes, I am using this word repeatedly because no other word fits so well) fuck-through-history novel marketed as romance. To my way of thinking we were supposed to think these books were great because historical events were treated as a backdrop!  H/h traveled and fucked/hate-fucked their way through the capitals of the world!  Real, chronicled figures were featured and mentioned!

Do these books stand the test of time?  IMO no, however I don’t censor the reading of anyone else, so have at it and enjoy. :)

OMG! OMG! OMG! I read this as a teenager—so what, 25 years ago!—and I totally remember the deflowering scene. My reaction was, “Erm, huh? WOT?”

And Cherry_Handpie—“fuck-through-history” totally sums up so many of Small’s novels. Love it!

Have enjoyed all the comments on this thread, as well as the review.  Just chiming in to ask if “Adora because she’s adorable” reminds anyone else of Terry Pratchett’s, Ms. Adora Belle Dearheart, the ferocious, chain-smoking, defender of the oppressed heroine of GOING POSTAL and MAKING MONEY who threatens violence to anyone who has the ghost of a smile about her name?  (My dad insists that Miss Dearheart is an incarnation of Lauren Bacall in “To Have and Have Not.”)  Adora Belle Dearheart rocks.

If only because I need the refresher before the last book comes out in April (which I’ve pre-ordered, ahem)

really a new one?!? Auel is still alive seriously? I love those books!
With the Adora book I have to say i haven’t read it but i do think i bought it at a thrift store. i have read part of beatrice small’s border lords series and i actually liked them. i do know i can’t read her oldies they are just disturbing.

  She also put in my hands Clan of the Cave Bear.  Let me tell you, you are NOT ready for Neanderthal rape or other kinds of hate-fucking at 12.

My cousin’s school assigned Clan of the Cave Bear when she was in 6th grade.  I remember my aunt freaking out over the book (b/c she read it to make sure that my cousin understood it), but she never told us what it was about.  How do you make a bunch of pre-teens read about pre-hisoric rape?!  that should have been my aunt’s clue that the school was hopelessly Neanderthal-like.

@Liz - You’re kidding me? When I was in HIGH school the boys LAUGHED at Maya Angelou’s description of being raped as a little girl. How the heck can the school think 6th graders are ready to read about rape?

Alexander the Pirate With Aspirations

I laughed so hard I almost fell out of my chair, then I read the paragraph aloud for the amusement of the room. I love redheadedgirl’s reviews!

@JamiSings, I asked my cousin about that a little while ago, and apparently, they skipped that chapter, but seriously was there nothing in the following chapters that clued them in to the fact that the girl was raped?  didn’t they wonder how she got knocked up? 

I am constantly wondering about that school.  There have been other “weird” things over the last 6 years (it goes from 6th to 12th grade) that make me think that maybe she went to the wrong school.  Their excuse for these things is that they’re “scholarly.”  O-kay, but in 6th grade?  College maybe.  (Never mind the fact that there is no evidence of Neandertals and Homo sapiens ever breeding.)

That school must be run by pretentious snobs then. I hate it when people push things because they’re supposedly scholarly.

I devoured BS books as a teen and early twenties.  I always WTF’d at them, but I still read them all.

The one that ended my love affair (tawdry though it was) with Small’s books was one (god knows I can’t remember the name, they all blur together in a mass of kidnappings and harems and rapes) but at the end the heroine gets rescued from the harem, even though she doesn’t want to go home now, and all I remember is her husband, who she thought was dead, turns out not to be and for months after she’s returned to England she doesn’t know this guy is her not so dead husband because - wait for it - he grew a MUSTACHE!

Yes, a mustache was his big disguise.  Then one day he shaved it off and the chick was like OMG IT’S YOU!  I LOVE YOU! and they live happily ever after or something.

Bertrice Small jumped the shark when the best disguise her hero could come up with was a freaking mustache.  I do believe I’d recognize the supposed love of my life even under a bit of lip pubes.

I remember being 13 or 14 and her books always had the heroine’s slaves or eunuchs rubbing her hair with silk until it ‘gleamed’ and I got the idea to try it.  All I ended up with was a head full of static like I’d rubbed balloons on it.  I was so mad at her for making that little trick up.

I will always remember The Hellion with fondness, though.  It was the first time I’d ready a threesome involving two men, one woman with unapologetic homoeroticism in a mainstream novel.

@Fae - I don’t know, Ricky Ricardo always had trouble recognizing Lucy when she’d don men’s clothing and a fake mustache….

Okay so, the whole “wooden dildo” thing gave me the heebily jeebilies. Umm, splinters in awkward places anyone? AAAK.

@Fae-which Small novel is that?  I have read every one and own most all of them, and I don’t recall that particular storyline.

I will say that I was a great fan of LaBertie for years, mostly because reading her books made me feel like I was doing something I shouldn’t.  Adora is definitely not a favorite, though I do own it to have my collection complete.  She completely lost me with the Hetar series, which sucks beyond any nasty lollipop-on-the-parking-lot-sucking that I am now done buying her books.  The first 2 were mostly entertaining, if slightly repetitive (think X-Men comics telling you in every goddamn issue that Wolverine was full of adamantium shit ), but from the 3rd on just got to be ridiculous, and the ending to the series pissed me off royally, especially after hearing the webcast interview where she was being so coy about how she had a “muse” whispering in her ear while she was writing.  *puke* 
/rant, and sorry for the derailment…:)

/MASSIVE TMI ALERT
.
.
.
I have a wooden dildo, and it is of very smooth and satiny rosewood. Let’s just say it works QUITE WELL. With no splinters of any description.