Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Parting the Beef Curtain - The Very Verbal Vaggys

It’s that time - Candy and Sarah have been inspired by all your downthere creativity to create A Smart Bitch Contest: Parting the Beef Curtain - The Very Verbal Vaggys.

We think it’s time your heroine’s overwrought vagina had a monologue of her own. What does the contemporary or historical, sci-fi or futuristic romance heroine’s hoohah have to say? Tell us in 200 words or less by Monday Feb. 19. We’ll post our dramatic performing poontangs for Bitchery Voting.

The winner shall receive an gift certificate for $25.00 US to Babeland, which shall enable you to treat your woo-woo to a very special, frisky prize.

Email your entry to SarahATsmartbitchestrashybooksDOTcom, AND to Candy@smartbitchestrashybooksDOTcom, and wow us with your woowoo’s whining, your downthere’s dementia, your clam’s crackups. You get the gist. I’ll stop now.

Where Do You Put It?

Maureen Dowd’s column this weekend focused on the issue of “Chick Lit” being shelved among the classical works of fiction under that general heading.

Before I get to my actual point, anyone else notice that in her column she mentions that she bought a bunch of ChickLit to sample that which she found so egregiously shelved next to her more erudite reading choices? Wonder if a purchase for the purposes of writing is expensable? I do think it is. Nice of the Times to possibly foot the bill for what might be her secret reading enjoyment. Methinks she might protest just a bit too much.

Her question of shelving has been in my brain since I read her column, because it is a good question: where do you put the ChickLit? How do you shelve fiction that’s not quite one genre, but not quite another? Looking specifically at ChickLit, is it that oh-so-slightly-snidely-termed “Women’s Fiction?” Is it fiction? Is it romance? Is it popular fiction? Where do you put it?

We romance readers have been spoiled a bit - if we go hunting in a store for our bodice-ripping man-titty extravaganzas, we look for the sign that says… read more »

Coronation Ceremony for MaryKate

This is a measure of how out-of-it I’ve been lately: I completely forgot that I never actually posted MaryKate’s title after she won the last Personal Ad Contest. I had it made and ready to go, and my brain had somehow convinced itself that I’d posted it, but I hadn’t. Egad.

So all apologies for the lateness, MaryKate, but I hope you like the title, because we Smart Bitches dub thee:

Sex Toys and Hoohaas

The Bitchery is ever good about sending us the funny and the WTF links, which of course we pass along to you.

For your Valentine’s shopping needs (though not work safe, beware ye who click here), Tania forwarded me a link to Em & Lo’s “Sex Toy” promotion video. If only QVC had a naughty late-night toy hour. I’d totally tune in.

And in other, more disturbing news, Theresa notifies me that a theatre in Florida has had to rename their performance of The Vagina Monologues after a woman complained that she “was ‘offended’ when her niece asked her what a vagina was”. The performance will now be known there as “The Hoo-Haa Monologues.” This particular performance is being staged by a group of law school students raising money for charity, though the BBC article doesn’t mention what charity.

Sadly, the Bitchery surely could have helped this woman with many a suggestion for a different euphemism, or perhaps a heaping slice of “clue cake” might have been better for this person who fears the word “vagina.”

I’m awaiting a performance of “The Glistening Orifice Monologues” at my local theatre, to be sure.

Times Selectively Can Kiss My Petard

LovelySalome was kind enough to forward me a rather scathing attack on the omnipresence of ChickLit courtesy of Maureen Dowd in the New York Times.

Trouble is, all her columns are for Times Select readers, and as I am not one, I don’t have linkage abilities. And personally, I try not to circumvent subscription-only services by copying and pasting the content here for free, since, well, the Times? Kind of cranky about things like that.

Dowd is of the opinion that women who enjoy ChickLit are stupid fools who are blissfully and blithely ignorant of that’s wrong in the world as they indulge in pink-covered lipstick chronicles of fluffy nonsense. She found the ChickLit shelved with literature fiction and cries horror at the stupidification of women readers who pick up their Kinsella books shelved next to Kipling.

So what else is new? It’s a retread of every other accusation leveled at women-authored and women-marketed literature. I’m not personally a fan of chick lit, as I cannot suspend reality long enough to believe there are that many British women working in advertising and publishing who find husbands in the bottom of a cocktail glass.  But the article seemed… read more »

Haa-ha! We won!

Looks like Noah Brand listened to us when we clamored for him to write about zombies vs. vampires. He posted a little snippet up on his blog today. Go read.

The size of my glee, it is massive and cannot be contained.

Believe in…eCards.

You can send your honey a valentine’s e-card from Danielle Steel’s perfume website.

Lookee here - I made one for y’all.

Problem is, there wasn’t enough room for the “y” in Bitchery.

Other problem is, it’s lame.

A Dark and Stormy Mantitty

As usual I’m sure I’m behind on the news on this one, but Iron Lesbian #2 was kind enough to send me a link to the 2006 results of the Bulwer Lytton contest.

The winner for the romance division is especially funky:

“Despite the vast differences it their ages, ethnicity, and religious upbringing, the sexual chemistry between Roberto and Heather was the most amazing he had ever experienced; and for the entirety of the Labor Day weekend they had sex like monkeys on espresso, not those monkeys in the zoo that fling their feces at you, but more like the monkeys in the wild that have those giant red butts, and access to an espresso machine.”

Dennis Barry Dothan, AL

There are few things more romantic than giant red-assed monkeys drinking espresso. At last I have found a Valentine’s Day gift for Hubby!

Now, I’ve never really been bothered by the opening line of a romance novel, but I am perpetually tormented by Rebecca Brandewyne’s idea of a man “bursting like a ripe melon”, and, from a romance I read so long ago I can’t even recall the author or title, the heroine feeling a “spurt of… read more »

Would you, could you, give a book?

The Bitchery is ever an altruistic lot. Bitchery reader Marta Acosta sent me an email saying:

I buy lots of books, too many to keep or even give to my friends.  I tend to donate them to the Goodwill because I figure someone will be happy to get a fairly new book at a good price.  But I’d like to donate them (and my ARCs and regular copies of my books) to good organizations, like soldiers, military hospitals, women’s shelters, etc. Perhaps you could do a call out to people asking if they have any suggestions and contact information about people collecting for these causes.

This is a good idea - thanks!

So: a general request -

Do you like to donate books? What’s your favorite place to donate? With the innate cheapness that is the USPS media mail shipping costs, we can pretty much send our books anywhere in the US for not a hurtful amount of money. So - please, give us the details: your library? Charity of choice? Home for the elderly? Book drive for soldiers serving overseas? Feel free to comment or email us offline if you rather, and we’ll post your suggestion for… read more »

Best. Romantic comedy idea. EVER.

An acquaintance of mine, Noah Brand, came up with the best idea for a paranormal romantic comedy. EVER.

Srsly. Go read it.

Give a Bitch Your Opinion

We’ve talked about ARCs for sale on eBay, and the proper things to do with an ARC- used book store donation, charity donation, elderly home donation. Now I have a question, and I’m honestly asking. I’m not trying to be a smart ass. So feel free to tell me, “Oh you are so so misguided, you Smart Bitch, you.”

I have a good number of ARCs ranging in publishing date from December 2006 through April 2007, and while I am reading them and making notes for review, I can’t possibly keep them all. I’d need to build an addition on the house. For the record, books sent to me by an author specifically are not part of what I’m proposing.

My synagogue hosts an annual charity auction of donated goods to raise money for synagogue activities. The charity auction is hosted online (not at eBay but at a similar site that hosts nothing but charity auctions) and is available through April, with a big event on May 5 where the goods from the online auction are delivered, and there’s also a live auction and party to celebrate that oh-so-Jewish holiday, Cinco de Mayo. As a Spanish-speaking Jew, I’m… read more »

Indignity in Death

Yup. That’s right: More In Death covers. Because they’re just too good for us not to.

Sarah: Attn. Mr. Art Person: The sword as phallic symbol should probably directed toward her love grotto, not cutting her off at the femur. Might nick an artery.

Candy: Really, she doesn’t need the sword to take off those cheap thigh-highs. Those Renn Fayre types can be so melodramatic sometimes. Tsk.

Conspiracy in Death

Sarah: Really, I know that some doctors have a God complex, but are a snake-halo, rays of light, AND a crown of thorns really necessary?

Candy: If God is a surgeon, how much does it cost to take out malpractice insurance? Because when you think about it, the number of people killed by an act of God is truly mind-boggling. In fact, here’s a new twist on an old conundrum: Can God create a malpractice insurance premium so large, not even He can afford it?

Sarah: Eve! Consuming raw heart is NOT a cold remedy substitute for the diluted heart & liver of the Barnaby… read more »

Ich Bin Ein Mantitty.

Bitchery reader meardaba sent us the following link, stating “a friend of mine told me about this TV show called Wetten, Dass… (I Bet You That…) where contestants bet the show that they can do something ridiculous under certain criteria. She told me about this one contestant who bet that he could figure out the title of a song just by watching two men twitch their pectoral muscles to music.

And he does it.”

The Power of Mantitty, it speaks all languages.

Happy Birthday Candy!

It’s nearly midnight here on the East Coast of Smart Bitch Land - so I get to be the first, after Lord Mantitte, to wish Candy a happy, happy birthday!

And let us verily say in haiku style the wonderousness that is SB Candy:

Smart Bitch Candy Day? Hark! A ManTitte Salute! She’s Made of Awesome.

Luscious pectorals, Undone shirts tucked in wide belts? Behold the power.

Happy Birthday Smart Bitch Candy!

Nora Roberts’ Angel’s Fall - Lifetime TV: February 3, 2007

I asked the DVR to record Angel’s Fall because I was so curious how Nora Roberts’ books would transform to movies. Considering that one of the strengths I enjoy in her books is the development of a character, flaws and all, over 300+ pages, I was very curious as to whether the characters would be as faceted in 120 minutes or less.

The short answer: of course not. But, that answer is entirely dependent on the actor. Heather Locklear does a marvelous job. Her costar didn’t come close to her abilities, and as a result the part that disappointed me the most was the romance - the mystery was interesting, but, like the imbalance in costar ability, the romance wasn’t nearly as compelling as the whodunit.

Below are my thoughts as I typed them out during the film. It’s not as coherent as if I’d written the whole thing in retrospect, but it’s after 10pm and I have the cough from hell and want my bed.