Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

There’s never enough Hoff, not even at Smart Bitches

Bitchery reader Renee sent me a PDF that rocked my world:

CheapAss Toys Inc.‘s Poseable Hasselhoff.

Wow.

Both Renee and I are totally enamored of the “removable chest hair carpet.”

Smart Bitches Love Banned Books

It’s Banned Books Week - September 29 - October 6, 2007.  Hat tip to Bitchery reader Lucinda for reminding me.

So! In honor of Banned Books Week, we open the floodgates! Check out the list of 100 Most Challenged Books from 1990 to 2000. If you like, submit a review of one of the books, up to 500 words, and we’ll post them throughout the week. Please feel free to include your name, a URL to your site, and any information about yourself and when you read the book as part of your “bio,” up to 50 words.

If you loved it, great. If you hated it but still defend your right to read it, even better! Get creative, and we’ll vote on the best one once they’re all posted. Prizes? Of course there will be prizes! Stay tuned!

EDITED TO ADD: Please email your reviews to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) and .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) and we’ll start putting them up on the site. Please also tell us what name you’d like us to use to credit your review.

The Big Kahuna: The Winners!

And now, the moment you’ve been obsessively reloading for, the winners of the second annual Big Kahuna Cover Design Contest - Trixy Lion Edition.

The winner in the Amateur Division: Entry #3: Sister Taylor’s Secret by Lyra Labiablossom, designed by Laurel Black

And the winner of the Professional Divison, Entry #4: Stirring up Waves by Jesus Cockburn, designed by Megan Daly.

Congratulations to the winners! And thank you to all who voted - and to Mrs. Giggles for creating such an inspirational ePub!

Vampires, Skinny Women, Buxom Women, and a Big Belt Buckle

I received a PR notice about a new CBS Show called “Moonlight”, which, according to the release, is about “Mick St. John (Alex O’Loughlin), a captivating, charming and immortal private investigator from Los Angeles who defies the traditional blood-sucking norms of his vampire tendencies by using his wit and powerful supernatural abilities to help the living.”

Check out the publicity photo and let’s count the verbal and visual vampire clichés as I assign random point values to each!

1 pt: “Saint X” in the last name of the hero - subtle reinforcement of heroic character!

2 pts: crossing vampire with private investigator to come up with angsty secretive reinforcement of heroic character! As my television guru says, it’s Angel plus additional Law & Order angst and drama - it’s Law & Order: Vampire Unit with, I suspect, emphasis on the vampire’s unit.

10000000 pts: That looks suspiciously like a MULLET! On PRIME TIME! I think I have to go lie down from the overwhelming awesomeness.

3 pts: Wayne Newton belt buckle - subtle reinforcement of… I have no idea.

2 pts: Extremely skinny woman in skin-tight dress showing off the fact that if she turns to the side, you can… read more »

C’est Magnifique!

December Quinn AND Dionne Galace were brave enough to forward me this link, and really, it’s just a very very good thing that I can read only English and Spanish because I’m sure in French this whole page translates to “Sarah runs screaming from the room praying that she never samples this particular smell.”

Click the link for Etat Libre d’Orange and click ‘Les Parfums.’ Look for the penis at the bottom of the screen (how often do I get to type that?!) with the words “Secretions Magnifiques.”

Then, if you don’t read French, imagine what the whole paragraph says in terms of olfactory descriptions. And if you DO read French, please do let us know if the text is as bad as my imagination says it is.

Help a Bitch Out: This One Is a Challenge

Bitchery reader Elizabeth asks for help - and when I wrote back I had to say, she might have described at least 16 different old-school romance novels with this one. But let’s see if we can come up with a short list for her to go hunting for this vintage romance:

I have been wondering about a book I ran across in my friend’s summer cabin when I was about 14. I glanced through it long enough to go “Are the fucking kidding me?” and giggle over the sex scenes under the covers, but didn’t really read it. Now I’m having a fit of nostalgia over how awful it was and want to look it up again.

The heroine was a lady of some respectability, but met the hero in circumstances that made him think she wasn’t, I THINK but am not sure. He had an amazingly loyal servant of some sort who helped him kidnap the heroine and put her in a box on a train (maybe a train) they were riding on. I remember this because there was a brief panic when it was realized that she was in a trunk with no air holes, and she was… read more »

Help a Bitch Out: Civil War Romance

Bitchery reader Cher sent me the following message - it doesn’t ring any bells with me, but I didn’t read a lot of Belle romance. Anyone who has a better talent for remembering plots and titles AND a taste for Civil War romance care to help Cher out?

Hey, I read a Romantic Novel many years ago.  The Story was based in the south, I think during the Civil war.  The heroine was a somewhat overweight useless southern belle.  Her husband became disgusted by her and left (maybe to go to war, the details are sketchy) She had to run the plantation by herself….she began to actually work and use her body and became svelt in the process, also gained some self respect and esteem.  When the husband came back he wanted her back but she was having nothing of the feckless, faithless man. Does this book ring a bell with you two experts?  I loved it but can not remember the name of the book or the author.  I have seriously searched for YEARS for this book….any thoughts?

Smart Bitches, Trashy Books: A Website

I, SB Sarah, a Person, was reading the latest entry at Galley Cat, a website, about the number of books being tagged with the words “A Novel.” The phenomenon is so odd, and yet, so common.

An Anonymous Bitchery Reader, a Person, sent me the link, saying, “What the hell is up with that?”

My answer: I do not know. Why tag books with “A Novel?” Maybe it’s a CYA attempt along the lines of “We guarantee this is 100% made up, as opposed to a fictional work that’s attempting to pass itself off as a memoir.” Or maybe it’s a particular cover artists’ love affair with the word “novel.” Or maybe it’s an attempt to steer that book from being shelved in a particular subgenre so that its housed in the more austere “general fiction” section of the big store?

So what is the deal? And can I tell you how much I dread a cover that uses the deadly words, “A Romance Novel?”

Friday Videos - Two For One!

Last Friday, I was busy giving birth - oh, my stars, has it been a week already?! Holy cow!

So to make up for the fact that I missed a Friday Videos edition, here are two videos for your viewing pleasure.

First, from Bitchery reader notpomaceous, we have The Perfect Day. Certainly it fits my vision of the perfect ending for a date night for Candy.

Does your Volvo Smell Like Vulva?

Bitchery reader Jane M. sent me this jaw-dropping link to Vulva perfume. WARNNG - COMPLETELY NOT WORK SAFE LIKE OMG DAMN.

Sayeth TMZ.com: “[the] hair-raising product is not a perfume for the va-jay-jay, it is an erotic fragrance made to trigger sexual attraction and desire by mimicking the tangy aroma of lady muffin!”

The site itself, as Jane M. points out, says, “This is not a perfume.  It is a beguiling vaginal scent which is purely a substance for your own smelling pleasure.”

I showed the site to Hubby, who said, “DUDE!” No, definitely not a dude, dear.

I now declare thee bibliophile and wife

I’m really fond of saying things like “I love this book so much, I’d totally marry it if I could.” And then a friend of mine asked me for examples, so I started making lists. And you know what happens when Candy starts making lists. That’s right, motherfuckers—she has a distressing tendency to post them ON THE INTERNETS. (Also referring to herself in the third person.)

So!

Books I’d totally marry if I could, like, in a church and everything, and yes, you KNEW these perverse biblio-human unions were just on the horizon once those deviants and homo-sexxxuals wanted the right to get married Sacred Hunger by Barry Unsworth Towing Jehovah and Blameless in Abaddon by James Morrow The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen Regeneration, The Eye in the Door and The Ghost Road by Pat Barker The Windflower by Laura London To Love and to Cherish by Patricia Gaffney Lord of Scoundrels by Loretta Chase The Shadow and the Star by Laura Kinsale Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes Hyperion and Fall of Hyperion by Dan Simmons To Say Nothing of the Dog by Connie Willis A Primate’s Memoir by Robert M. Sapolski To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee… read more »

Touring Puerto Rico, Smart Bitch Style

Bitchery Reader Josefina took a long walk in San Juan, and came across some fine specimens of international man-titty in the health supplement store, plus a special extra “WTF” picture as a bonus.

Ah, yes. “Arabian Formula.” It gives you more energy, more potency, and really tight jeans, a turban, and a half naked woman grasping your kneecap.

It’s like a jihad… IN YOUR PANTS!

If you’ve got giant quadriceps, a bikini-clad chipmunk-woman with a tail, and the continuing bother of being chased through the surf by tigers, you need “Energizer Extract.” And also a movie deal.

Note: it’s for adults AND childrens! And it’s manufactured by “Alopecil Corporation.” That’s alarmingly close to “alopecia.” Let’s hope there’s no relation.

This is Josefina. And if your Spanish isn’t as facile as hers, she’s here to tell you that this book? The one she’s holding?

Messages from Princess Diana from the Fourth Dimension. Apparently, judging from the cover art, Princess Diana is communicating with Arianna Huffington. No wonder Josefina looks confused!

Rules of Regency

When I first read Janet Mullany’s top 10 lists from the back of her book The Rules of Gentility, I laughed out my nose in an indelicate fashion.

Then Bitchery reader Melissa sent me a link to an LJ that had reprinted the set of top 10 lists in their entirety. I emailed Janet Mullany and asked her permission, and she says that if Avon comes after me for reprinting them here, I should…well, never mind what she said I should do. Either way, the lists are funny enough that they hurt me to read them.

Movies Movies Mooooovies

While I was pregnant I didn’t have 2 hours to spare to sit and watch a movie. Now I’m home, on painkillers, and forced by my sexy new incision to spend a good amount of time sitting. Since Baba O’Riley likes to sit with me, it’s not bad, but let me be honest: as usual I have 900 channels and there’s nothing on. And the percocet makes it difficult for me to read and pay attention. I either end up staring at the words blankly or I pass out.

So, while I’m recovering, I figure I’ll watch some movies. But I don’t think I’ve watched a movie in 2 years - so I am at a loss. What’s your recommendation for romantic films (on the comedic side please - I am wickedly hormonal after all) that you’ve enjoyed?

Best. Ad. EVER.

Holy crap! A completely safe-for-work ad for a porn channel!

I didn’t think those sorts of things needed ads. But oh my God, this is brilliant.