Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Alan Rickman reading Sonnet 130

Bitchery reader Eliza was kind enough to send me the .mp3 of Alan Rickman reading Sonnet 130. Try to breathe normally, ya’ll.

(And please, right click and save lest you hurt our server’s feelings. It’s listening to the .mp3 on repeat, too.)

Sonnet130.mp3

Psst: Erotica Writers, Take Note!

If the next RWA National Conference is in Seattle, I hope we can all get together and ride the SLUT.

Graceful curtsy to Debunot for the link.

Help a Bitch Out: The First Romance She Ever Read

Bitchery reader Liv is totally inspired by our romance sleuthing:

I’m amazed at how good the Bitchery is at identifying books, and I’m hoping they can do one more - the first romance I ever read.  Here’s what I can remember:

The heroine is visiting someone, and gets put up for the night in a bedroom that turns out to be the hero’s (who’s away somewhere).  The hero returns unexpectedly late that night, crawls into bed and immediately falls asleep.  Of course, the next morning, the hero and heroine are found in bed together and must marry to stave off any scandal.

They move away to some grand but dilapidated estate, which the heroine begins to fix up.  The hero is described as a dandy or a fop, and the heroine is an uptight, spectacle-wearing prude.  Through the joys of house rehabing or somesuch, the hero starts to think the heroine looks kinda sexy in soot and construction dust.  At some point, the heroine gets kidnapped and taken to a cave.  The hero tracks her down, beats up the bad guys, and rescues her.  The heroine realized he’s not such a dandy after all but a hot hot manly man. … read more »

Go Ask Alice by Anonymous

Submitted by Charlene

Go Ask Alice was published in 1971 as the true diary of Alice, an innocent young Christian girl who is slipped a dose of LSD in her soft drink while she is at a party and almost instantly turns into a promiscuous, drug-addicted runaway. She eventually reforms and returns home but after being rejected by her peers returns to the streets, dying of an overdose three weeks after the diary ends. In an act of selflessness, her parents arranged for publication of the diary in hopes of warning other youths about the perils of the counterculture.

The book was an immediate bestseller. Shocked parents, educators, and ministers bought the book, hoping that Alice’s lessons would persuade young people under their care not to succumb to temptation. Unfortunately for the adults involved, many young people had immediate strong doubts about Alice’s story. For instance, Alice’s explanation of how she became addicted to speed is literally impossible, and the counterculture lifestyle is portrayed as a nest of hippies, liberals, and people of colour (in other words, People Not Like Us) whose main… read more »

Bonus Friday Video: Kisses and Romance

I love period movies and I love Israel Kamakawiwo’ole - so this video made me absurdly happy. Enjoy!

Guess that Lonely Heart

Ahoy! First to offer the heroine’s name, author’s name, and title of the book in the comments receives - the Smart Bitch Titleâ„¢.

Into the light of the dark black night

Strong, gifted woman seeks equally strong and noble man from a completely different culture and society to help me face a cold, deadly, and frightening challenge, and stay by my side as I come to terms with my chilling gift and lifelong responsibility and move from first love to true love. You must be willing to watch me die and trust that although I’m cold and lifeless, I will be back to be with you.

Banned Book Reviews

Please don’t forget to send in your Banned Book Review, wherein you review one of the top 100 most challend books from 1990-2000. We’ll vote on the best ones - so be creative - and I promise awesome asskicking prizes. Email your reviews to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) and .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) asap!

Friday Videos: MelJean Brooks Rules

So many people sent me the link to MelJean Brooks’ guest entry on Dionne Galace’s site that I’ve watched this video about three times already. It’s hilarious. Especially the part about the hotdog.

Deep Voices : Potent Males?

Courtesy of Darlene Marshall comes this link from Canada.com - Men with deeper voices are seen as more potent and virile, and in one study, produced more children.

So if you imagine the dialogue spoken aloud as you read a romance, do you have a particular voice in mind? And what male in your opinion does have the sexiest voice?

Dare I Pimp Myself? Indeed I Do.

From the Shameless Self Promotion Department we have the following entry.

A friend of mine sent me a link to this article about the new Grey’s Anatomy spinoff, Private Practice. The article is mostly an interview with the two executive producers, Shonda Rhimes and Betsy Beers, but touches on a subject that I should have mentioned but was too bashful to do (and boy howdy, do I really need to get over that!): I was published recently in a Smart Pop anthology of essays examining Grey’s Anatomy.

The article mentions the unique popularity enjoyed by GA, which is the subject of my essay, and really, it’s past time I mentioned the book because the folks at BenBella were wickedly fun to work with. My essay is an analysis of the hybrid status of GA as both a popular show and a cult show - it has a deeply devoted following usually found among cult shows, but it’s also watched by millions of people every week through multiple seasons. It brings in ratings and has a huge internet community devoted to fanfic, spoilers,… read more »

GS vs. STA: Angsty Romance

Bitchery reader Amy asks for recommendations, oh well-read Bitchery:

[T]he reason for my bothering you is to ask you and all other sisters and brothers of SB for help. I am a great lover of Laura Kinsale, esp. Seize the Fire. Yes, I am a fangirl of the” angsty”, “gut-wrenching” intense romance school, and I would appreciate it very much if you could help me to find more treasures in this particular school of romance.

So - angsty romance - bring it on! What’s your pleasure?

SNORT

From the possibility of LOLHarlequinSecrets to the absurdity of that Fabio shoulder-blade-humping cover rearing its hot-ironed head yet again (I love that cover - he looks so studious and yet so bad as a brunette) this Gawker item has it all - particularly the milquetoast excerpts from the Harlequin Romance Report confessional.

That is some tame confession, y’all. Why is a publisher hosting sexual confessionals? I don’t get it. To be honest, the “Tee hee hee!” whispering-naughty-stories attitude of that page ticks me off a bit because it seems so very juvenile. And round these parts, we’re not ashamed of reading romance or sexually explicit stories, or of our own status as sexual beings - and we’re not ashamed of much else that I can tell, either. I will say this: I have never joined the mile high club because the idea of touching any surface beyond what is minimally necessary in an airplane lavatory gives me a major case of the squicks like DAMN.

Advertising Notice

We’ve had a cancellation for the large ad space for December 2007. December 1-15 and 16-31 are now available, and you can book one or both two-week sessions. The fee is $75 for two weeks, or $125 for the whole month. Design services available as usual. Complete details available on our advertising info page.

First Come, First Served. Email .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) asap.

UPDATED TO ADD: TAKEN.

Help a Bitch Out: Lice Make for Memorable Romance

From Bitchery reader Charity, who used the subject line, “The Power of the Bitchery Knows No Bounds” - damn right, ma’am. And flattery will get you everywhere, including perhaps to the bookstore to fine this rare gem:

Since checking out the success of the “Help A Bitch Out” Name This Book, I thought I’d ask if you’d post mine.  Here’s what I remember:

I don’t remember much but I do remember that the story began in England and most of the story took place on a boat headed to America. The hero was the ship’s captain.  The heroine was either raped/or almost raped repeatedly.  Her skeezy relative (male) planned to pimp her out to three men but somehow, she killed all of them.  Maybe with a fire poker??  Then she ran away and found passage on the ship to America.  The only name I can remember was the name of the bad guy. He was a pastor/reverend and completely corrupt.  His name was Sebastian.  He wanted to rape the heroine.  He had raped several of the other female passengers (members of his congregation??) already. I don’t remember what all else he did but I remember being so disgusted by him… read more »

Dirty quantum mechanics jokes done right

Today’s Questionable Content made me laugh so hard, I’m pretty sure I herniated something—but then, I’m a sucker for stupid quips involving Schrödinger’s cat.

(Any of you who want to write a romance novel with a geek hero and need research on how nerds think and operate, but don’t happen to have live specimens handy, you could do worse than check out the archives of Questionable Content. Also, XKCD.)

Some title ideas for nerd

porn

erotic romance:

Physics The G-String Theory The Rake’s Superpositioned Eigenstates Entangled Beast Collapsing the Virgin Mistress’ Wavefunction His Supercollider

Biology Unnatural Selection Descending His Manhood

Chemistry His Latent Heat

Mathematics Populating Her Null Set

General Scientific Principles Shaving with Occam’s Razor Karl’s Popper

Damn, I can’t believe I’m not coming up with more for chemistry and biology. Updates as they’re warranted, and post your best (for certain values of “best,” anyway) efforts in the comments.