Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain

Submitted by Elyssa

Forget Jerry Springer.  With family issues, cross-dressing, and a touch of homoeroticism, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is an engaging, first person point-of-view set during the Civil War-era.  Considered a “Great American Novel” and one of the first to use common-day vernacular, Huck Finn has been highly contested novel, resulting in its current #4 slot on the Banned Books List. 

Huck Finn is our narrator, the typical misunderstood bad boy, living with two older women.  Until his alcoholic, abusive father returns, kidnapping Huck to his place in the woods.  In order to escape his father, Huck fakes his own death, taking a raft to a nearby island.  There he meets Jim, Miss Watson’s runaway slave, who explains why he needs to make it North––he was going to be sold and separated from his family.  Deciding to see if the situation is as precarious as it seems, Huck goes into town––dressed as a girl.  There he finds out that his “death” has made the rounds, but also Jim and Huck’s father are suspects.  At that moment, Huck decides to help Jim become… read more »

Help a Bitch Out: Series Romance Secret Baby Alert!

Bitchery reader Natalie writes:

I am hoping that somewhere in someone’s brain, that they know the book I am about to describe. I read it in the late 1980’s and it was a series book (either Harlequin or Silhouette). The heroine of the story’s best friend has just died and said best friend left orders that the heroine go through the crap in the attic and decide what to toss and what to keep. The heroine is reluctant to do this because once upon a time ago, she and the hero (who married the best friend) had a tempetous affair.  Of course she goes and tries to ignore studly hero while also befriending the hero and best friend’s son. Of course they end up jumping into bed together and before anyone can blink, there’s a knock on the door. You guessed it, secret baby plot! Secret baby is now a teen (I think his name is Tyler) and angry and sullen. Of course, the hero figures out it’s his kid in like two seconds and chaos ensues for a brief while. The hero and heroine eventually get married and I think there was snorkeling or scuba diving on their honeymoon.… read more »

The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood

Submitted by Danielle (aka GaiaGrrl)

Bio: Danielle (aka GaiaGrrl) is a High School teacher in the city of Boston.  She has taught English for 7 years, during which she has encouraged her students to read as many banned books as possible, and to think independently.  She prides herself on having taught over 20 books on the banned book list.  She is also a mom-to-be, and looks forward to similarly corrupting the future youth of our society.

I first encountered the story of The Handmaid’s Tale while channel surfing by HBO.  Though the movie was not terribly good, (Aidan Quinn was still delectable, however) it teased me with glimpses of a frightening future.  When I read Atwood’s novel, I was simultaneously chilled and fascinated.  Atwood’s writing transformed my familiar Cambridge, MA landscape into a place where the a woman’s sexual identity determined her fate.

The Handmaid’s Tale takes place in the not-very-distant future in Harvard Square, Massachusetts.  Atwood paints a future where infertility plagues the majority of the world.  A women’s role is determined by her class, race, and her ability to produce children. … read more »

He-Vage

Thanks to Fabulous V. & ever-fab Jezebel, I have a link to a Daily Mail article about how much man-cleavage (or “he-vage”) is enough. Now, on a romance cover? You bare it all, baby, yeah!

But an actual person? Not sure. I see plenty of he-vage that I could live without in the summer thanks to pectoraly men in tank tops and chains. And if you ask me, David Beckham looks like he’s channeling an elf in the picture in the article and not so much like a sex god. But it’s more the hair and ethereal glow that’s odd rather than any chesty pecs.

So how much man-valley do you like to see on actual men?

Brave New World by Aldous Huxley

Submitted by Iffygenia

Bio: Call me Iffygenia. Some years ago - never mind how long precisely - having few books left on my pile, and nothing particular to interest me at work, I thought I would surf about a little and dip my toe into the deep waters of the blogs.” - Moby-Dick

Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World: A feminist-intellectualist-romanticist-historicist-deconstructivist-takingthepiss reading

After the brainwashing, we knew our purpose; we were docile, compliant, content in our sphere.  No messy choosing of mates, no fumbling to learn an occupation. We alone had been plucked from the darkness, perfected, molded in a form of the Director of Hatcheries and Conditioning’s choosing.

We took our soma, a pacifier, a crutch in our pursuit of cheerful perfection.  Our fertility was strictly regulated; we were hatched from bottles, bokanovskified, each ovum replicated with meat-cleaver precision into 96 small monuments to progress.  We were decanted in perfect proportion to society’s needs: one-ninth Alphas, eight-ninths a mixture of Betas, Gammas, and Deltas conditioned to despise books and nature, and enough khaki-garbed Epsilon Semi-Morons for factory work.

One day we became aware of Outsiders… read more »

Moonlight: In Haiku

While feeding Baba o’Riley, I bonded with my DVR over Moonlight. SO many of you have written in to tell me how gawdawful bad this show is. It really was Law & Order: Vampire Unit with bonus extra dark wet cement shots, plus boiler room.

You are all right. It’s so bad, I had to break out the haikus.

In parallel world without police procedure comes the show “Moonlight.”

The heroine walks barefoot through a crime scene in first ten minutes.

Already I knew: level of writing? Of the highest caliber.

And by “caliber,” somewhere between LKH and Cassie Edwards.

Gloves? We don’t need them. Fearless, we break and enter and touch everything!

The police? Morons. Dead girl’s computer? Still here. Blood-soaked jewelry, too.

Let us not forget bountiful cliché buffet! So many, I’m dizzy.

And the heroine? Poor man’s U.S. Kate Winslet. Only not as good.

The hero? Mullet! Mullet, mullet, mullet, and a shitload of angst.

Plus a twelve-inch plate ‘cause he’s the first in line at the cliché buffet.

(Seriously, y’all. I am dumbfounded at the dumbass monologue.

I could have written a better script while high on sixteen percocets.)

Jason Dohring can’t make… read more »

In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak

Submitted by Naomi Libicki

Recently, my husband and I bought a giant pile of used children’s books for our one-year-old son – the books we remembered most fondly from our childhoods. One of the books I picked out was In the Night Kitchen.

When our copy arrived, I found the following stamp inside the front cover: Windham Public Library: WITHDRAWN.

“What huh?” I thought. And then, “Oh yeah . . . the penis.”

In the Night Kitchen opens and closes with its protagonist in bed, wearing his pajamas. At part of the transition from this mundane scene to the surreal world where the main action of the book takes place, Mickey falls out of his clothes. He later acquires a sort of flight suit made of cake batter, but for much of the action, he is naked. And rather than using concealing props and postures, Maurice Sendak simply draws him, little-boy penis and all.

The otherworld that Mickey journeys to when he is awoken by bumps in the night is the Night Kitchen, a city with jam jars and coffee canisters for buildings.… read more »

Annie on My Mind by Nancy Garden

Submitted by Sarah

When I first bought this book, sometime in middle school, I honestly thought it was about drugs. The back blurb on my particular edition said something like, “Even straight kids will enjoy this love story” – I thought it meant “straight” as in straight-edge.  At the time, I was a studious nerd who hung out in the school library; in this book, I was looking for a little excitement and maybe a chance to moralize over bad behavior.

Instead, I got Liza Winthrop, student body president and classic over-achiever.  Her dreams are to save her private school from closing down, and to study architecture at MIT.  However, when she meets Annie Kenyon ( while Annie was singing to the knights at the Metropolitan Museum of Art), she realizes that there’s more to life than following in her parent’s footsteps.  It’s a typical “Girl meets Girl, Girls fall in love, Girls get caught doin’ it” love story.  In the end, Liza and Annie’s relationship is an outward expression of their struggles to establish an identity within their family frameworks, while also dealing with… read more »

The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood

Submitted by Carrie Lofty

Respected Canadian poet and novelist Margaret Atwood departed from the style and tone of her previous works to present a fable of the near future. In the Republic of Gilead, formerly the United States, far-right extremists have instituted a monotheocratic government, a feminist’s nightmare. Women are strictly controlled, prevented from holding jobs, and are assigned to classes: the housekeeping Marthas, the reproductive Handmaids, and the morally fit Wives. The tale is narrated by Offred, a Handmaid who recalls the past and tells us how society came to be.

Authors who survey the future landscape and find distopias—Orwell, Huxley, and even Jack London in The Iron Heel—are harshly judged by readers who have the scorecard of history available to them, ready to make comparisons and award points for accuracy.

So here I go: While we do not live in a society as extreme as Gilead, it is looking more familiar all the time. If I had been asked to read this novel in high school during Clinton’s first term, it would have seemed terribly out of date and pessimistic, merely seven years… read more »

Earth’s Children (Series) by Jean M. Auel

Submitted by Katie Dickson

Jean Auel’s first novel in the series, Clan of the Cave Bear, was recommended to me by my uncle when I was just starting high school. He gave it to me with a warning. “Um,” he said, “I started to read the rest of the books, but they got kind of romance-novel-ish.” He was clearly embarrassed. “The sequels are kind of smutty.”

Telling a young lady that the book she is about to read is not only good but contains plenty of sex is like handing a young man a Playboy. I immediately checked out each Earth’s Children novel from my local library.

Earth’s Children should be divided into two categories: Cave Bear and everything else. Cave Bear is a marvelous experiment, richly detailed and researched and endlessly fascinating. The main character, blonde Homo sapien Ayla, is adopted by a pack of Neanderthals (called Flat-Heads by humans) and must learn to survive first among the group and then on her own. Talk about female empowerment! Ayla follows the classic romance novel heroine pattern: she’s buxom, blonde, had a… read more »

Mommy Laid An Egg: Or, Where Do Babies Come From? by Babette Cole

Submitted by Aileen

I found this book when I was working as a bookseller and a customer requested it. I immediately bought a copy for myself and for any future children in my life.

Mommy Laid an Egg is a picture book designed to explain sex to children. When the parents in the book decide to tell their kids where babies come from, they spout off many of the myths we tell children. The kids in the book find these stories hysterical, and sit their parents down for a conversation about how things really work. The book stays honest and fairly simple, and explains sex within what I consider an appropriate range for younger kids (obviously, many people do not agree.) The illustrations are wonderfully whimsical, especially as Cole draws the kids drawing diagrams for their parents. The page that sticks with me most is the one that has something to do with multiple positions Mommy and Daddy can use when making a baby.

While the book doesn’t use the correct anatomical language, it is a simple explanation of how babies are made that is… read more »

Flaming Love and Cow Puncher?

Bitchery reader plainjane sent me this fascinating link to “good girl” comic art, where the impossibly arched feet and giant perfectly circular breasts make them all look like “Katy Keene fights crime” - how DO they walk in those overly-arched feet, anyway?

Even more fun is the Gangster & Gun Moll comic - nice shooter(s)!

Either way, it’s nice to know that absurdly-proportioned women are as always not exclusive to the romance genre cover art.

Ordinary People by Judith Guest

Submitted by Stephanie Gayle

I read Ordinary People as part of my “I’m only reading novels from the 1970s” research kick. This book, thank god, did not represent a literary low in that decade. I found myself so embroiled in the family’s drama that I’d find myself muttering, “This mother is a monster!” and look up for confirmation. That’s something in short supply when you’re reading in your room alone. Ahem. 

The book is about the Jarret family (mother: Beth, father: Cal, son: Conrad) and their struggle to survive the aftermath of Conrad’s recent suicide attempt. We learn surprisingly late in the book that there was another brother, Buck, who died in a boating accident. Conrad was also in the accident and has survivor’s guilt. It’s interesting how little space is devoted to the accident or the dead brother.  We get it all as flashback and aftereffects.  I thought the author relied too much on the reader too supply the back story. But had she shoved it down my throat, I’d also complain. Picky, picky!

The mother and father enjoy a social prominence… read more »

The Goats by Brock Cole

Submitted by Jessica

There are a handful of truly beautiful books from my young adulthood, and THE GOATS by Brock Cole is one of them. I was very surprised to find this YA novel on the banned books list. I can still read this book today and feel all of the pleasure and loveliness of a wonderful book, having lost nothing in the 13 years since I first read it. It is still as sweet and solemn and kindhearted and hopeful as it was when I first opened the book and discovered a writer and a pair of protagonists who spoke so strongly to me.

The loveliness of this little novel lies in the spare, fluid writing and in the two main characters, Laura Golden and Howie Mitchell, whose friendship in the book is perfect. Laura and Howie are both miserable inmates at a summer camp while their parents have better things to do, leaving them to suffer the cruel tricks of the other campers. Laura is considered “a real dog” by the boys in the camp, and Howie is considered a wimpy geeky… read more »

Through the Cultural Lens

We talk a good bit every now and again about how our cultural perception of romance has changed, especially as pertains to rape scenes, secret babies, or even the careers of the heroes - are cowboys on the way out?

Similarly, thanks to the fabulous V., here’s a link: David Brooks from the NY Times (Motto: “We won’t print the title of your Bitchy website, but we’ll publish pictures of corpses whenever we want. Because we are a ‘family newspaper.’”)  compares the perceptions of Kerouac’s On the Road now that the book is 50 years old. Now, instead of a book about wild celebration and savoring the enjoyment of life, it’s a book about “loss,” “death” and the melancholy of life.

Brooks’ column is largely a WTF? directed at the aging Boomers who he blames for “the great geriatric pall settled over the world, before it became illegal to be cheerful.” Seems On the Road no longer sucks the marrow out of life, to mix literature quotes, but instead wants life pureed and boiled into mush because the readership no longer has the teeth to chew it.

Brooks predicts that the over-safety-belted culture in which we now… read more »