Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

HaBO: From an Excerpt in a Magazine

Ann is looking for a book she read long ago that was from an excerpt in a magazine. She's been searching for it for awhile, and is hoping one of you might recognize the description. 

I have been trying to find this romance novel where a woman is given permission by her husband to cheat, after she finds out he has cheated on her. He wants her to see it's just physical. So she goes to this skanky sounding resort. She almost hooks up with this random guy but then she realizes random guy is married. Then this older but still handsome type, either the bartender or the owner of a bar, is obviously into her, though she remains oblivious. A excerpt of it was published in some women's magazine my friend randomly had. I tried to search for it via google but all I got was lots of hits for christian marriage advice sites, take from that what you will.

HaBO: Draco, Maybe?

Joanna writes in with this HaBO request for the first romance she ever read: 

I'm looking for my first romance novel, the one that got me hooked on the genre.  I was a good girl in a parochial school when I discovered at a library book sale a mesmerizing Harlequin with a green cover.  Inside, salacious descriptions of bedroom shenanigans had me hooked.  Obviously, this was passed along from girl to girl in my 7th grade class, until one of the nuns confiscated it and we all got into boatloads of trouble.

I read this book in 1986 or so, and it seemed well worn when came into my possession.  The story is of a girl who lives with her father on an isolated island (maybe in Greece?).  He had her read the encyclopedia as her education, and she wore plimsoles.  One day, a huge yacht appears and the owner of the boat asks the father for permission to use the island's private beach for a picnic.  The man whistled as he came up the path to ask for the afore-mentioned… read more »

HaBO: She’s a Really Tall 12 Year Old?

This request is from C, who is looking for a romance that's possibly from the 80s. 

I am looking for a romance novel that I never got to finish when I was younger because my grandma thought it was inappropriate. Now that I am all grown up, I want to find and finish this book whose title and author I do not recall.

The plot is a young English heroine who has been recently orphaned. Her perverted Uncle is now her guardian and tries to force himself on her. She knocks him unconscious and flees to her former nanny. The nanny protects her by becoming an indentured servant to an American, secreting the girl out of the country with her. She stays hooded and concealed when they meet her nanny's new employer, and the nanny tries to pass her off as her tall, twelve year old daughter.

Anyone know of this book? Wowser. Anyone recall this book? That sounds rather cracktastic!

HaBO: Bits and Pieces of A Mystery Plot With Romance

This request is from Kim, who remembers more of the mystery elements than the romance elements of this book: 

The book I'm trying to find was a romance/mystery from the mid to late 1980s about a woman who finds a picture and/or a letter after her parents' death that leads her to a small town to investigate her past. Plot points include a big white house, a stolen ring (possibly emerald), a recurring image of a limp hand wearing said ring (which turns out to be a memory from the heroine's childhood of having seen someone pushed down the stairs and lying at the bottom), and the discovery that the heroine has a mentally challenged twin sister who regularly escapes from wherever she lives and returns to the attic of the big, white house.

I don't remember much about the male love interest, except that he has keys to the house, so he may have been a realtor or a handyman. (I was way more interested in the mystery than the romance, I guess!) I think the book cover was white, and… read more »

HaBO: Lots of Illegitimate Children? Sure!

This request is from Daisy, who is looking for an historical romance she read some years back. 

I'm looking for a historical, but I don't remember the title, author, or character names. I do remember a lot of the plot though and some random details, so hopefully someone will recognize it.

So the hero is a lord of some kind and has a whole passel of illegitimate children who are forever misbehaving. He decides that the best way to solve the problem is to get married so the children have a mother. He gets his friend/relative/secondary-less-important-character-guy to go find him a wife and marry her by proxy. Here we meet the heroine who is, for some reason, collecting apples in her apron. Her family thinks it's a great idea to marry her off to a complete stranger and away she goes.

Lord meets new wife, instant sparks which must be denied (I don't remember why...). Hijinks ensue between the new wife and the mischievous, but lovable children. The children and the wife start to get along. Later the lord and the wife… read more »

HaBO: She Remembers (Ahem) Certain Scenes

ItGirl sent me this inquiry, as she is looking for a book she read awhile back, and, alas, she can only remember certain scenes. 

Yeah, so I keep having flashes of this one book...and I want to figure out what it is. Do you or the other readers possibly know this? I have very little recollection except of the sex scenes. Because I was 17 years old and, you know. Sex.

I read it in the early 90s, maybe around 1991 or 1992, so you know it's a treasure right there. It started at a prison in Louisiana during The War of Northern Aggression. She was in and due to be executed in the morning because of something or other, and she was Very Southern. 

HaBO: Two Requests Driving Her Crazy

This pair of requests is from Jo, who remembers a good bit, except the title (and that's why it's a HaBO, of course): 

I have two HaBO request which have been driving me insane for slightly separate reasons.

1- This one was some sort of Harlequin Romance. I would have read it in 1986 so it may have been published then or earlier. Main things that stick in my memory- the heroine runs a (cafe? restaurant?) called the Salt Cellar. She has a hobby of collecting salt cellars and displays them in her business, but I didn't actually know what a salt cellar was when I was 12 so maybe there was some greater significance there that I am missing. Her father keeps trying to hook her up with dudes because NO WAY could a woman be happy running a business so when she hears off the latest Hey There Marry My Daughter attempt she boldly strides into her proposed suitor's office announcing that she is his fiancee to try get his agreement to run off her dad.

Memorable bits include… read more »

HaBO: Two YAs from Back in the Day

This request is from Shiloh Walker, who is really, really hoping someone can help her, and her daughter out: 

My daughter is getting into reading romance.  I'm trying to keep her more to the YA, which is going well, since there is so much of it out there, butI was trying to remember two of the YA that I read in school, but I can't...

I do remember they were in my high school library, but that's not much help.

One of the them, the hero was a soap star who ended up to school like a regular kid for a while and the heroine had a crush on him and ended up calling his 'soap star' name.  It wasn't a 'typical' name....Blaine.  Stone.  Something.  I can't remember.  It didn't end with them living happily ever after, I think he went back to his job.  That's all I remember.  And I was in high school in the early 90s.

The other one...he was a vampire. Another one that was read in the early 90s.  I don't remember hardly anything about it,… read more »

HaBO: Fallen Angels in the Yard

This HaBO request comes from grad_grrl: 

I never thought writing to HABO would happen to me..

But I was delighted to receive an e-reader for the holidays, and I'm having a stressful time at grad school = reading a lot more trashy books.  There has to be some kind of karmic balance maintained for all those research papers.

Anyway, I vaguely recall reading an excerpt of a book with a heroine who has a fallen/cast out angel crash into her yard.  She holds his hand as it 'dies'.  I think it then comes back as a teenager with serious emo and/or demonic tendencies--but has a candle for the heroine because he remembers her kindness from dying.

I think it might have been young adult.

Increased chance of fallen angel precipitation across the tri-state area! Anyone remember this book? 

HaBO-Thon: This is Some High Grade Crazysauce

This request is from Cathy, who remembers so much crazy from this book, it's just amazing. 

I'm looking from the first romance I ever read, which I'm pretty sure I stole off my older sister. It was a category M&B (I remember it was a skinny book) and the more I think about the plot the more I realise how WTF batshit crazy it was.

Now I don't remember any names, but I reckon publication date would have been 1978-1983 ish.

So without further ado, here's the crazy I remember...

Our heroine is a young stage actress about to break into the big time when she suffers a terrible accident (or maybe the attack of a vicious rival?) that leaves her with horribly disfiguring scars all down one side of her face.

HaBO-Thon: It Was in the High School Library?

This request comes from Keisha, who has been hunting for this book for a long time:

I'm waxing nostalgic about a romance novel published before 2007 that I read in high school and I hope you can help me. I haven't been able to find this particular novel on Amazon. I found one that I thought was the right book but it turned out to be a dud, a poorly written dud. I can remember some key plot points of the book but cannot remember the hero's name, the author's name, or the title of the book itself. Oddly enough, I do know that the cover involves a misty forest scene in shades of purple or blue.

The heroine is named Angela (or some variation of "angel") and the story plays up the whole Devil & Angel, Beauty and the Beast, Phantom of the Opera quality.

HaBO-Thon: He’ll Be There With Bells On. Really.

This Help a Bitch Out request comes from Megan, who describes a book I would swear was erotica, but she says is not: 

Hero had long hair. He may have been sent from an alternative dimension. Turns up on the heroine’s doorstep searching for some sort of artefact. He loved the taste of coffee. There was a fight in a car park when he kicked the pants of some bikers who were giving him rubbish about his hair.

He wore an anklet with bells. They (the hero and heroine) ended up travelling to search for some holy grail type artefact. This was definitely romance and not erotica, it may have even been a Harlequin which doesn’t seems very likely but stranger things have happened.

Long hair and bells. Seriously, someone has to remember this book. Anyone? 

HaBO-Thon: A Memorable Book For Many Reasons

Cleo is looking for a book that was truly memorable for her, for a number of reasons, including the context in which she read it. Honestly, this book sounds fascinating. 

I have an HaBo.  I read this book in the late ‘80s, during my freshman year at college, and of course I don't remember any names or titles.  I borrowed it from one of my roommates, who borrowed it from someone down the hall, who borrowed it from someone else in the dorm.  I’m looking for it because I think it was ahead of its time - the heroine had several lovers and no dire consequences.  She didn’t die, or get raped, or shamed, or shunned.  I’m sure you’re imagining the earnest conversations we budding feminists and young liberal arts scholars had about the ramifications of this radical plot, but no. Pretty sure everyone read it for the same reason I did – the sex.  And I’m only pretty sure, not absolutely sure, because I barely talked about it with my roommate and I was WAY too embarrassed to talk about the sex in it.  Or the social ramifications thereof.

Habo-Thon: Her Name Might be Christmas

Lillie is looking for this book, which she has been trying to find for awhile. 

I need your help! I've been searching for a book for a few months and I'm coming up empty.

It's an older Harlequin or Silhouette, and I believe it was published in the 90s. It's a Christmas reunion story. The hero is a cop (last name may be Knight?), very ba-humbug and a neat freak. The heroine loves Christmas, is a free-spirit and her name has something to do with the holiday. I think it might actually be Christmas, nicknamed Chrissy. Heroine saw her boss commit a crime, went to the police, and met the hero. They hooked up during the trial, then she disappeared.

HaBO-Thon: Mirrors, Lots of Em

It's HaBO-Thon time! HaBO stands for "Help a Bitch Out," and is a segment wherein folks write in looking for books that they cannot find, usually becuase they remember many details about the plot, but not the title or author. This is, by the way, how I remember most books. 

Our first request comes from GoldenDarter:

After the latest round of HaBOs, and another fruitless internet search, I have decided to ask the Bitchery if they might know of this book... I read it several years ago, in the infancy of my romance obsession, but I have no idea when it was actually released.

I believe it is a historical, and if I had to guess I would say it is set in England (really, where else could it be?). I am certain he is a lord of some kind or at least obscenely rich (could he be anything else?). There is really only once particular scene I remember, and it bothers me to not remember the whole story behind it. It takes place near the end of the book and the H/H have been sleeping together for a while, though I have no idea if they… read more »