Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

HaBO: Pert Breasts or Toupee Tape?

From Mara, a wardrobe malfunction about to happen:

I’d like to appeal to the collective knowledge of the Bitchery. I’m looking for a book (a Harlequin, I believe) that I read in the mid-to-late 90’s or early 00’s.

It was about a pair of twins (identical, of course) separated in toddlerhood by divorcing parents. The story follows the twin who ended up with Mom, who later remarried, I think she grows up in Florida? In the States for certain. She is a model whose career is destroyed when she is in a car accident and has to relearn how to walk. She also loses her fiance because of this (because he’s a jackass and leaves her not because he dies).

She goes to England where her father and twin live and some strange man accosts her on the street calling her by a name that’s not hers and insisting that he knows her and why is she being so cruel to him? She is understandably confused. And then somehow she discovers that her stepfather isn’t her real father and that she has a long lost twin.

The twin has been engaged to the man who accosted the MC but was… read more »

HaBO: Comic Store Owner!

Judy writes:

I have no idea how to Google for this book, because every time I search “comic book store owner romance” I get links to the Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons. So here goes!

I’m pretty sure it was published sometime in the last 5 years… So it’s not too old of a book. But unfortunately I don’t remember too many details. What I DO remember was the heroine owned a comic book store and the guy she meets is some kind of computer game programmer, who invented a super successful computer game. The primary drama is that someone is trying to steal the guy’s new game idea, which is apparently worth a lot of money. Mystery and sex ensue.

So it’s something along the lines of that… I hope you can help me! I’ve been searching for awhile now… And I feel like the title is on the tip of my tongue.

I so want to read this - like, holy Wolverine damn.

HaBO: Riverboat ahoy!

Romantic girl is searching for one of her first romances. She writes:

Unfortunately, I don’t have very many details but would love to find it again.  It was among the first romances I ever read. It is a western historical. I remember that most of it was set on a riverboat owned by the hero. The heroine might have been abducted by the hero, but not exactly sure on that point. I remember there was a painting that was important to the heroine. The hero had it in his bedchambers. Her finding the painting was a big deal, but I can’t remember the signifigance behind it. I think her father might have painted and that her father was part of the plot somehow. I believe the book was mostly red.  I don’t remember a specific picture, but there might have been a riverboat on it.

This is a tough one - there’s not a lot here. Anyone recall paintings on a riverboat?

HaBO: Excerpted and Can’t Remember

Melissa writes:

Ok-so, I have been looking for a book/author for maybe 6 months now and it’s keeping me up at night! Someone suggested that I come here for help!

Here’s the story: I stumbled upon an excerpt from this particular book maybe a year ago or so, thought it was sort of interesting, but at the time-was really not into reading everyday contemp romance..so, I made a mental note to go back one day and get the book….well, my mommy brain decided that was a memory that was not important and here I am today—searching non stop for this author/book!

Here’s what I remember: Seems to me that this particular author wrote historical and perhaps this book was maybe even her 1st contemp-I might be wrong on that though..

In the excerpt I THINK I remember the heroine living in an apartment complex and the hero was a gorgeous hunk of a man who moved into her building/next door. She has a friend with her in this excerpt I think that’s trying to get the heroine to just introduce herself to him already, because she think’s he is super sexy….and then ends up running into him when she is… read more »

HaBO: Naughty Naughty!

Jessica writes

I read this in 1996ish. I dont remember the publisher, but I’m pretty sure it wasnt a category. The cover featured a swooning, brunette woman, possibly in a blue dress, in the arms of a well-endowed man. Both are tastefully dishelved, and of course, the bosoms are heaving.

Okay, so I think the time period is the late 19th century and the heroine is a headstrong American heiress whose name might be Amanda. She has a brother (she gets a crash course in sex after seeing him with one of the maids in the stables—naughty!), a dead father, and a domineering mother. They have a mansion in Newport, and her mother hosts a party in order to thow her at the hero: an honest-to-goodness English duke! He’s poor and needs to marry an heiress, so the mother is ecstatic, but Amanda wants nothing to do with him and accidentally says so in the duke’s hearing. This makes the duke decide that she would perfect for him.

Stuff happens, then Amanda goes to Paris with her aunt Zoe as a chaperone. And what a coincidence, the duke is there too! Not that Amanda cares. In fact, she winds up… read more »

HaBO: Like Gabaldon, Only With A Harem

Word spreads among librarians, and the hunt for Bitchery knowledge is on:

I’ve got a patron looking for a book - She’s knows A LOT about it, but not enough for me to have any luck trying to find it. I’ve used NoveList, Amazon & Google, all to no avail. So, I’m hoping someone will recognize the description and know what she’s talking about.

It’s a series of at least two books (probably historical romance) set somewhere in the ancient Middle East. She couldn’t remember if it was Persia, Syria, Byzantine, etc.

The female lead runs away from a harem where she is being held prisoner/captive. However, she’s forced to leave her younger sister behind. She travels across the desert and eventually meets a man from another country, possibly Greece or Rome. I believe he becomes her love interest. The man has a “side kick/companion” who goes back to rescue the sister and they eventually become romantically involved, as well.

The main plot deals with an elixir of immortality or eternal youth which is being kept in a golden box. The main villain is, of course, after this magic vial, and he has a whole army of “ninja-like” men he’s… read more »

HaBO: Blue Sally and the Owls

Stephanie writes:

When I was just a teen (late eighties, early nineties) my first foray in to romance was to steal mom’s Harlequin’s off the super-high top shelf of the bookcase—safely tucked behind the potted plants, of course. I remember reading one that I abso-lu-ute-ly loved! The identifying details are few, but hopefully they will spark a memory in someone:

—It was a contemporary romance—not sure if it was Harlequin, but it was one of those skinny books that was definitely put out by some romance club on a monthly basis.—The heroine drove a blue car that she named ‘Sally.’ She may or may not have collected rocks and kept them in her car. She definitely was all about the environment which leads into my next clue,—She was trying to save the owls.—The hero was—I think—a construction person that was somehow destroying the owls’ habitats.—Of course she convinces him to stop killing woodland creatures and they fall madly in love.

I want to read this again, dammit! As far as romance goes I think this one was pretty tame, but I would love to get my hands on a copy of the book that first gave me that “super special”… read more »

HaBO: Librarian Needs Help

The wisdom and power of the Bitchery spreads throughout the land! Librarians write in to ask for help: meet Sheila:

I am a librarian and was referred to your blog by another librarian.  I have a patron looking for a book she once read, and I am coming up empty; but I refuse to let her down!  Here is what she remembers:

Peasant girl dancing in ruined castle; dancing alone, but feels a presence; later finds out she was dancing with a ghost Becomes a princess for a day and goes to a ball Prince falls in love with her She turns back into a peasant

A colleague suggested Teresa Medeiros, but I have read through the descriptions of all her titles that were listed on Amazon, and can’t seem to find it (though the description certainly fits in with the based-on-various-fairy-tales plots of most of her books).

Medeiros rocks and rocks hard, but I don’t think this is one of hers. Anyone recognize this romance?

HaBO: Fear the Champagne bottle

Jac asks for your help:

I am in need of some help ladies! I read a book way long ago in the dark teenage years and am aching to re-read it. The only problem…I have no idea who wrote it, who published it, or any of the other important names (main characters, title, location etc.) But all is not lost; I feel it’s fairly identifiable based on a wondrous sex scene that shocked my teenage sensibilities to their prudish little toes!

So there is angry sex all over this book, and one scene involves a champagne bottle. He is angry at her/about loving her/some other kind of man angst and forces her into bed, pours champagne over her, says angry things, perhaps * gasp* penetrates her with a champagne bottle and so forth.

That’s the only thing I really remember. She might have been lured onto a luxury resort island to extract revenge under the guise of her selling high priced villas. She forms a bond with the manager of a upscale motel on the island of course the manager is in cahoots with the leading man. I hope you all can help me find this one!

Teenager or not,… read more »

HaBO: Brooding English Actor

Sharron writes:

So I read this story a whole lot of years ago. I can remember it clearly enough to know I adored it; not enough to actually remember the bloody title. Or author. Or any character names.

Our hero: distant, brooding English movie actor with a secret childhood trauma. His speciality? Horror movies (including the Slasher Charlie series, Blackbeard, and Dybbuk, which was his breakout role). He plays monsters, in short. Totally gone off women because of all the women who wanted to sleep with the monster. He shagged most of them, then went off them once he realised they didn’t want him, they wanted safe!scary sex.

Our heroine: Competent, intelligent and the only organised person in a horde of artistic personalities. Helping friends out by taking a low paying job as part of their production of a play. She drives a temperamental MG, which has somewhat of a starring role in the story.

HaBO: Gene Kelly Lovin’ Vampires

Jami has the most insane inquiry, and I’m so curious what series this is.

Ever since your blog about vampires and werewolves, I’ve been trying to remember this series I was telling another lady about in that same thread. It all centered mostly around the one vampire, however in a side role was a female vampire.

Here’s what I can remember about the series -

Both vampires in question were French. He was originally going to go into the priesthood until he was seduced by his childhood friend who would one day be the female vampire in this series. After they were both turned he went on, being your typical tortured vampire while she enjoyed it. They remained friends and would get together for rough vampire sex, but never stayed together.

Eventually he breaks into the world of show business as the writer/composer of many popular musicals. He’s obsessed with Gene Kelly. He meets a human woman at an auction when they try to outbid each other on an autographed poster for Singin’ In The Rain. She’s a virgin. Eventually they fall in love but because he doesn’t want to turn her he dumps her.

In the next book… read more »

HaBO: APRN in the West

I totally had to Google “APRN” - I figured Accounts Payable Registered Nurse. Or Associated Press Registered Nurse, trained to treat the fallout of bad papercuts? But no - advance practice registered nurse. Live and learn - and maybe find this book for Eileen:

[This] was one of the first romance stories I ever read, and I would just like to read it again at some point to figure out WHY the story has been in my head for so long!

It was a short story that I believe was in an anthology. A woman drives from Oregon to move to Texas. She is an APRN, and has a friend that already lives in Texas and that’s part of the reason she’s moving there. (This is why I believe this may have been a spin-off story from a previous book or books - these women used to work at a hospital together and the friend fell in love with a Texas guy who was in some sort of accident in Oregon and they fell in love while she treated him and married him and moved to Texas.) Anyway, the first day the APRN is in town one of the local… read more »

HaBO: Inspired by Story, With Added Skank

Sarah writes in asking for help locating a novel inspired by another story:

I am always amused by romance novels that swipe their plots from really famous classic movies. (“Fancy Free” by Catherine Anderson is a good example, from the anthology Three Weddings and a Kiss…... who didn’t know that was “inspired” by Seven Brides for Seven Brothers? Come on!)

But there’s one I’ve been searching for for a very long time. I read it in middle school and, for the life of me, can’t remember the title. All I know is that it is Green Dolphin Street neatly reformulated into a more smutty version. Googling has been proven fruitless as any search simply comes back about the Goudge or Faulks books, or the movie.

Plot as I remember it (different from the movie and original book, but same premise): Later 1800s, America? There are two sisters. One is a borderline skank, represented by wearing charcoal on her eyelids to give them a smoky look. The other is our heroine, a far more sweet natured girl with super long red hair.

Skanky sister has a hot beau, our hero. Heroine, I believe, is in love with him, and is mortified… read more »

HaBO: She’s a Secret Artist

Rachel writes:

This is another first romance novel question. I lost it in a romance novel pact to a high school friend who just didn’t appreciate it as much as I did. I read it in high school so I know it was published before 1996, but I don’t remember the cover or have a clue about the author.

It was a historical, but I can’t remember what period. All the travel involved horses and ships, and there seemed to be a lot of travel. The heroine was the daughter of a master painter who moves from Italy to a patron’s estate. The “hero” was the patron. Secretly, she is a master painter as well, and she has been producing the art as her father is aging and not capable of doing it anymore. The patron sees her work, but refuses to believe that a woman can create great art. After the death of her father, she gets sent away and supports herself by painting while living on an island. The “hero” finds her because he recognizes the style, but assumes it is done by the husband she creates in order to sell her work. After he discovers there is… read more »

HaBO: Prudence and the Mustard

Noelle writes:

For years I’ve been trying to find a book I owned probably 15 years ago, and I hope someone can put me out of my misery. I’m starting to think this book never existed.

The book could have been a Harlequin publication, possibly published in the late eighties/early nineties. I think it was pretty short and might have been red, but I wouldn’t bet my life on it. (Of course I can’t recall anything about the title, so I’ve come to refer to it as The Mustard Book.) (Explanation to follow.)

I remember the heroine being described as cautious and a bit of a prude, so because I don’t remember any of the names in this book, I’m going to refer to her as Prudence.

Now, Prudence has a young daughter, probably 8 or 9 years old, and has just divorced her husband. The marriage was an unhappy one for Prudence because her ex was a total d-bag. I don’t believe he hit her, but he certainly treated her poorly. After the divorce, she and her daughter moved into a place by themselves and I think the ex is mostly absent.

Prudence first meets the hero in a… read more »