Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

HaBO: She Remembers (Ahem) Certain Scenes

ItGirl sent me this inquiry, as she is looking for a book she read awhile back, and, alas, she can only remember certain scenes. 

Yeah, so I keep having flashes of this one book...and I want to figure out what it is. Do you or the other readers possibly know this? I have very little recollection except of the sex scenes. Because I was 17 years old and, you know. Sex.

I read it in the early 90s, maybe around 1991 or 1992, so you know it's a treasure right there. It started at a prison in Louisiana during The War of Northern Aggression. She was in and due to be executed in the morning because of something or other, and she was Very Southern. 

HaBO: Two Requests Driving Her Crazy

This pair of requests is from Jo, who remembers a good bit, except the title (and that's why it's a HaBO, of course): 

I have two HaBO request which have been driving me insane for slightly separate reasons.

1- This one was some sort of Harlequin Romance. I would have read it in 1986 so it may have been published then or earlier. Main things that stick in my memory- the heroine runs a (cafe? restaurant?) called the Salt Cellar. She has a hobby of collecting salt cellars and displays them in her business, but I didn't actually know what a salt cellar was when I was 12 so maybe there was some greater significance there that I am missing. Her father keeps trying to hook her up with dudes because NO WAY could a woman be happy running a business so when she hears off the latest Hey There Marry My Daughter attempt she boldly strides into her proposed suitor's office announcing that she is his fiancee to try get his agreement to run off her dad.

Memorable bits include… read more »

HaBO: Two YAs from Back in the Day

This request is from Shiloh Walker, who is really, really hoping someone can help her, and her daughter out: 

My daughter is getting into reading romance.  I'm trying to keep her more to the YA, which is going well, since there is so much of it out there, butI was trying to remember two of the YA that I read in school, but I can't...

I do remember they were in my high school library, but that's not much help.

One of the them, the hero was a soap star who ended up to school like a regular kid for a while and the heroine had a crush on him and ended up calling his 'soap star' name.  It wasn't a 'typical' name....Blaine.  Stone.  Something.  I can't remember.  It didn't end with them living happily ever after, I think he went back to his job.  That's all I remember.  And I was in high school in the early 90s.

The other one...he was a vampire. Another one that was read in the early 90s.  I don't remember hardly anything about it,… read more »

HaBO: Fallen Angels in the Yard

This HaBO request comes from grad_grrl: 

I never thought writing to HABO would happen to me..

But I was delighted to receive an e-reader for the holidays, and I'm having a stressful time at grad school = reading a lot more trashy books.  There has to be some kind of karmic balance maintained for all those research papers.

Anyway, I vaguely recall reading an excerpt of a book with a heroine who has a fallen/cast out angel crash into her yard.  She holds his hand as it 'dies'.  I think it then comes back as a teenager with serious emo and/or demonic tendencies--but has a candle for the heroine because he remembers her kindness from dying.

I think it might have been young adult.

Increased chance of fallen angel precipitation across the tri-state area! Anyone remember this book? 

HaBO-Thon: This is Some High Grade Crazysauce

This request is from Cathy, who remembers so much crazy from this book, it's just amazing. 

I'm looking from the first romance I ever read, which I'm pretty sure I stole off my older sister. It was a category M&B (I remember it was a skinny book) and the more I think about the plot the more I realise how WTF batshit crazy it was.

Now I don't remember any names, but I reckon publication date would have been 1978-1983 ish.

So without further ado, here's the crazy I remember...

Our heroine is a young stage actress about to break into the big time when she suffers a terrible accident (or maybe the attack of a vicious rival?) that leaves her with horribly disfiguring scars all down one side of her face.

HaBO-Thon: It Was in the High School Library?

This request comes from Keisha, who has been hunting for this book for a long time:

I'm waxing nostalgic about a romance novel published before 2007 that I read in high school and I hope you can help me. I haven't been able to find this particular novel on Amazon. I found one that I thought was the right book but it turned out to be a dud, a poorly written dud. I can remember some key plot points of the book but cannot remember the hero's name, the author's name, or the title of the book itself. Oddly enough, I do know that the cover involves a misty forest scene in shades of purple or blue.

The heroine is named Angela (or some variation of "angel") and the story plays up the whole Devil & Angel, Beauty and the Beast, Phantom of the Opera quality.

HaBO-Thon: He’ll Be There With Bells On. Really.

This Help a Bitch Out request comes from Megan, who describes a book I would swear was erotica, but she says is not: 

Hero had long hair. He may have been sent from an alternative dimension. Turns up on the heroine’s doorstep searching for some sort of artefact. He loved the taste of coffee. There was a fight in a car park when he kicked the pants of some bikers who were giving him rubbish about his hair.

He wore an anklet with bells. They (the hero and heroine) ended up travelling to search for some holy grail type artefact. This was definitely romance and not erotica, it may have even been a Harlequin which doesn’t seems very likely but stranger things have happened.

Long hair and bells. Seriously, someone has to remember this book. Anyone? 

HaBO-Thon: A Memorable Book For Many Reasons

Cleo is looking for a book that was truly memorable for her, for a number of reasons, including the context in which she read it. Honestly, this book sounds fascinating. 

I have an HaBo.  I read this book in the late ‘80s, during my freshman year at college, and of course I don't remember any names or titles.  I borrowed it from one of my roommates, who borrowed it from someone down the hall, who borrowed it from someone else in the dorm.  I’m looking for it because I think it was ahead of its time - the heroine had several lovers and no dire consequences.  She didn’t die, or get raped, or shamed, or shunned.  I’m sure you’re imagining the earnest conversations we budding feminists and young liberal arts scholars had about the ramifications of this radical plot, but no. Pretty sure everyone read it for the same reason I did – the sex.  And I’m only pretty sure, not absolutely sure, because I barely talked about it with my roommate and I was WAY too embarrassed to talk about the sex in it.  Or the social ramifications thereof.

Habo-Thon: Her Name Might be Christmas

Lillie is looking for this book, which she has been trying to find for awhile. 

I need your help! I've been searching for a book for a few months and I'm coming up empty.

It's an older Harlequin or Silhouette, and I believe it was published in the 90s. It's a Christmas reunion story. The hero is a cop (last name may be Knight?), very ba-humbug and a neat freak. The heroine loves Christmas, is a free-spirit and her name has something to do with the holiday. I think it might actually be Christmas, nicknamed Chrissy. Heroine saw her boss commit a crime, went to the police, and met the hero. They hooked up during the trial, then she disappeared.

HaBO-Thon: Mirrors, Lots of Em

It's HaBO-Thon time! HaBO stands for "Help a Bitch Out," and is a segment wherein folks write in looking for books that they cannot find, usually becuase they remember many details about the plot, but not the title or author. This is, by the way, how I remember most books. 

Our first request comes from GoldenDarter:

After the latest round of HaBOs, and another fruitless internet search, I have decided to ask the Bitchery if they might know of this book... I read it several years ago, in the infancy of my romance obsession, but I have no idea when it was actually released.

I believe it is a historical, and if I had to guess I would say it is set in England (really, where else could it be?). I am certain he is a lord of some kind or at least obscenely rich (could he be anything else?). There is really only once particular scene I remember, and it bothers me to not remember the whole story behind it. It takes place near the end of the book and the H/H have been sleeping together for a while, though I have no idea if they… read more »

HaBO: “What’s that Hymen Doing There?”

Lisa's email about the book she's seeking made me snort laugh. 

I'm trying to find the first romance novel I ever read.  I liked it enough that I kept reading romances, but I think it was probably much worse than I thought.  I want to reread it...but I can't find it! It's been bothering me for ages now.  Please, can the bitchery help?

The heroine is an orphan/thief in historical London.  She dreams of a better life and spends her time practicing a refined accent and making hats.  She also has a brother.

The hero is rich, but he works - a lawyer maybe, or a doctor?  His best friend is a layabout who is waiting on his aunt to cough up her inheritance.

HaBO: Everything But the Names

Marisa has the same problem I do: she remembers a ton of details, but not the names of the characters or the title of the book: 

I am looking for a book I got from the library forever ago and can't find. Of course, I can't remember the title or the character names, but I can remember some other details.

It's historical and in England, but I'm not sure when. It starts off with the hero at the church after a failed marriage attempt. (The girl was in love with someone else, so he let her out of the engagement, much to the annoyance of her family.) He has been trying to secure a wife for a while now. The heroine comes in and offers herself for marriage, citing some reasonable argument for why he should accept even though he doesn't know her (dowry?). He accepts, they get married and go off to live in his big house (he has some kind of title). I remember she has this little dog that she takes nearly everywhere.

HaBO: She’d Totally Read That

Ilex emailed me a HaBO query in the form of an IM conversation she had with a friend about this book. It's hilarious. 

I was wondering if HaBO could, well, HaBO. I'm your pretty standard, used-to-sneak-my-mom's-harlequins-during-highschool-algebra type. Unfortunately, my mom can't remember this particular gem, and I (and now my friend below) would kill to find this cracktastic romance now. (Okay, maybe we'd just kill bugs, but still...) It's taken me so long to get around to emailing you on this matter, however, that I've decided to just c/p our conversation for simplicity's sake. We had been discussing the re-issue of Nora Roberts' backlist when the topic came up...

<<me>> hey you might know

<<friend>> dude 1986!!!!

<<me>> there was this book i read of my mom's and i think it was one of the gold-framed covered - maybe the later silhouettes or something but it was about this executive ceo type and his assistant and he's the stereotypical cold bastard but they go to some kind of executive shindig and he gets drunk and she has to get him into his limo, where he kisses her and then they have these dreams about each… read more »

HaBO: A few scant memories

Rebecca has a few memories of a book, and she's hoping they will ring a bell for someone who remembers this book. 

I have so little to go on for this HaBo, but for some reason, I cannot forget this book entirely, so I must re-read it to figure out why. Here is what I remember:

It is a historical set in England. Not sure what period, but it is post-Renaissance. The heroine is plump - not just a little thick, but round and bouncy. I think she's blonde and has curls, but I'm not certain. She has an issue with the hero involving her father's (or late husband's) estate. Either he holds title to the land or works for/with the bank that does. She is not a woman of means, so the land is the only thing that she'd have to keep herself afloat.

HaBO: Nicholas of St. Ives?

This request comes from Kinsey Holley, who is begging for help. BEGGING I tell you. 

It's a Regency (maybe Georgian, but 19th cent. England) and the hero is a rakish Earl with a penchant for opera dancers and the heroine is a rather plain - not unattractive, just not pretty - young lass whose father is a dissolute gambler who basically wagers her with the hero and loses, and the hero finds himself with all the father's worldly goods AND his daughter to boot.

I specifically remember a phrase that pops up all through the book  - "diamond of the first water." The heroine mentions several times that her mother was a diamond of the first water - i.e., gorgeous - but she knows that she's not.

I can even recall (I think) the hero's title - Earl of St. Ives. Given name, Nicholas. You'd think I could find that with Google, right? Nope. When I Google it I get two results - St. Ives, the skin products company, and.....a comment I left in a SBTB review back in 2009.

Pllleassee?

And if it turns out that this is an easy peasy one I'll… read more »