Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

HaBO: She Read it in Greek

Maria is looking for a book she read a very long time ago - and this HaBO may be quite tricky: 

I have the plot of a book I read ages ago stuck in my head, but I cannot remember either author or title. It is set in Australia (possibly New Zealand, but I am pretty sure it's Australia). The heroine's fiance elopes with her best friend shortly before the wedding. The best friend was also about to marry someone else, the hero. Hero and heroine decide to get married for practical reasons: he is about to land a big contract to work for a year in a tropical island-kingdom, but it is a very conservative place and they won't give him the job unless he is married, she has no job (she has left her home town and her job (as the town librarian, I think) because of the humiliation of being jilted and she needs to get away.

They marry and go to the tropical island, where the marriage becomes real, they… read more »

HaBO: Witchcraft, Paraffin, and Time Travel

Sarina is looking for two books she read a long time ago: 

The first one was a Mills & Boon or harlequin or something (the cover had been torn off) and in it the hero and the heroine are at a costume party at a historic house when they get they get transported back in time via a painting. He bets his watch at a poker game and gets them some money, then they pretend to be a married couple. They can't leave until they solve the mystery of who murdered someone in the house they got transported back in time. I read it in highschool, so it would have been published before 1998. The one thing that always stuck in my head is that they have sex in a rocking chair.

The other one I'm much fuzzier on, it was one of the first I would have read, and it was tattered when I read it, so published pre 1997 I think. It was set either in Salem or somewhere salem-ish, and all I… read more »

HaBO: Lock the Shipbuilder

This request comes from Kim, who is looking for a shipbuilder romance: 

I've got a HaBO for you. I've recently been reading Sarah Vowell's Hawaii book, and it reminded me of a book I read about ten years ago. The book was, if I recall, not particularly recent when I came across it (most likely in one of the bags of books that my mother traded back and forth with her friends and then passed on to me), but it was also not particularly old school, so it might have been published anytime in the 90s. I've tried googling around, but, alas, no luck. So here's what I remember:

--It takes place primarily on the east coast (possibly Baltimore, but definitely in a city with a port), during the 19th century. --The hero's name is Lachlan or some variant thereof; people call him Lock. He is, or was, a shipbuilder. I have vague recollections of some sort of tormented relationship with the past (shocking in a romance novel, no?). --I can't remember the heroine's name, but she came from Hawaii (possibly somewhere else… read more »

HaBO: Two Harlequins from Her Sister’s Stash

Dee wrote in looking for two books from her sister's stash of Harlequins: 

I was inspired by the success of others at finding their first-read, life-changing romances, to ask about mine. These were gleaned from rummaging through my oldest sister's boxes after she had moved away to go to university.

They were definitely 80s Harlequin or perhaps could be Silhouette, either way they were old. Young and impressionable as I was, even then I remember feeling a little scornful of both heroines, who seemed like they needed the hero's love or lovin to become "the person they were meant to be."

anyways. The first one is the typical story of the jock and the nerd. The hero is a sports star at the college they both attend and the heroine is a literature or history major. I remember resenting the fact that she was made out to be a nerdy lit major because even then I knew that all lit majors weren't nerds. I can't remember how they end up meeting or even having a relationship, but they do. Then something happens… read more »

HaBO: Heathrow in 1988

Emily wrote in with a request for her friend, S. (Not me! I swear! I've never bought a book at Heathrow, even if my reading history is one big HaBO):

I'm hoping this awesome site and its readers might Help a Bitch Out. There's a book I'm dying to read, as described to me by my friend S. She's been looking for it for a reread lo these many years, and this is her description:

"I bought it in Heathrow Airport in 1988. It had a white cover with pink and silver lettering. An English upper-class daughter of a mine executive dabbles in socialist causes, and falls in love with a rough-but-charming miner. The hero has bigger dreams than mining, but went down the mines to save his family and is now part of a big countrywide coal strike."

"The heroine's father (the mine executive) was standard-issue Evil: oppressive, misogynist, etc.

The book was set in the teens or '20s of the twentieth century, around the time of the national coal strike in England. There was some suffragette background stuff.… read more »

HaBO: From an Excerpt in a Magazine

Ann is looking for a book she read long ago that was from an excerpt in a magazine. She's been searching for it for awhile, and is hoping one of you might recognize the description. 

I have been trying to find this romance novel where a woman is given permission by her husband to cheat, after she finds out he has cheated on her. He wants her to see it's just physical. So she goes to this skanky sounding resort. She almost hooks up with this random guy but then she realizes random guy is married. Then this older but still handsome type, either the bartender or the owner of a bar, is obviously into her, though she remains oblivious. A excerpt of it was published in some women's magazine my friend randomly had. I tried to search for it via google but all I got was lots of hits for christian marriage advice sites, take from that what you will.

HaBO: Draco, Maybe?

Joanna writes in with this HaBO request for the first romance she ever read: 

I'm looking for my first romance novel, the one that got me hooked on the genre.  I was a good girl in a parochial school when I discovered at a library book sale a mesmerizing Harlequin with a green cover.  Inside, salacious descriptions of bedroom shenanigans had me hooked.  Obviously, this was passed along from girl to girl in my 7th grade class, until one of the nuns confiscated it and we all got into boatloads of trouble.

I read this book in 1986 or so, and it seemed well worn when came into my possession.  The story is of a girl who lives with her father on an isolated island (maybe in Greece?).  He had her read the encyclopedia as her education, and she wore plimsoles.  One day, a huge yacht appears and the owner of the boat asks the father for permission to use the island's private beach for a picnic.  The man whistled as he came up the path to ask for the afore-mentioned… read more »

HaBO: She’s a Really Tall 12 Year Old?

This request is from C, who is looking for a romance that's possibly from the 80s. 

I am looking for a romance novel that I never got to finish when I was younger because my grandma thought it was inappropriate. Now that I am all grown up, I want to find and finish this book whose title and author I do not recall.

The plot is a young English heroine who has been recently orphaned. Her perverted Uncle is now her guardian and tries to force himself on her. She knocks him unconscious and flees to her former nanny. The nanny protects her by becoming an indentured servant to an American, secreting the girl out of the country with her. She stays hooded and concealed when they meet her nanny's new employer, and the nanny tries to pass her off as her tall, twelve year old daughter.

Anyone know of this book? Wowser. Anyone recall this book? That sounds rather cracktastic!

HaBO: Bits and Pieces of A Mystery Plot With Romance

This request is from Kim, who remembers more of the mystery elements than the romance elements of this book: 

The book I'm trying to find was a romance/mystery from the mid to late 1980s about a woman who finds a picture and/or a letter after her parents' death that leads her to a small town to investigate her past. Plot points include a big white house, a stolen ring (possibly emerald), a recurring image of a limp hand wearing said ring (which turns out to be a memory from the heroine's childhood of having seen someone pushed down the stairs and lying at the bottom), and the discovery that the heroine has a mentally challenged twin sister who regularly escapes from wherever she lives and returns to the attic of the big, white house.

I don't remember much about the male love interest, except that he has keys to the house, so he may have been a realtor or a handyman. (I was way more interested in the mystery than the romance, I guess!) I think the book cover was white, and… read more »

HaBO: Lots of Illegitimate Children? Sure!

This request is from Daisy, who is looking for an historical romance she read some years back. 

I'm looking for a historical, but I don't remember the title, author, or character names. I do remember a lot of the plot though and some random details, so hopefully someone will recognize it.

So the hero is a lord of some kind and has a whole passel of illegitimate children who are forever misbehaving. He decides that the best way to solve the problem is to get married so the children have a mother. He gets his friend/relative/secondary-less-important-character-guy to go find him a wife and marry her by proxy. Here we meet the heroine who is, for some reason, collecting apples in her apron. Her family thinks it's a great idea to marry her off to a complete stranger and away she goes.

Lord meets new wife, instant sparks which must be denied (I don't remember why...). Hijinks ensue between the new wife and the mischievous, but lovable children. The children and the wife start to get along. Later the lord and the wife… read more »

HaBO: She Remembers (Ahem) Certain Scenes

ItGirl sent me this inquiry, as she is looking for a book she read awhile back, and, alas, she can only remember certain scenes. 

Yeah, so I keep having flashes of this one book...and I want to figure out what it is. Do you or the other readers possibly know this? I have very little recollection except of the sex scenes. Because I was 17 years old and, you know. Sex.

I read it in the early 90s, maybe around 1991 or 1992, so you know it's a treasure right there. It started at a prison in Louisiana during The War of Northern Aggression. She was in and due to be executed in the morning because of something or other, and she was Very Southern. 

HaBO: Two Requests Driving Her Crazy

This pair of requests is from Jo, who remembers a good bit, except the title (and that's why it's a HaBO, of course): 

I have two HaBO request which have been driving me insane for slightly separate reasons.

1- This one was some sort of Harlequin Romance. I would have read it in 1986 so it may have been published then or earlier. Main things that stick in my memory- the heroine runs a (cafe? restaurant?) called the Salt Cellar. She has a hobby of collecting salt cellars and displays them in her business, but I didn't actually know what a salt cellar was when I was 12 so maybe there was some greater significance there that I am missing. Her father keeps trying to hook her up with dudes because NO WAY could a woman be happy running a business so when she hears off the latest Hey There Marry My Daughter attempt she boldly strides into her proposed suitor's office announcing that she is his fiancee to try get his agreement to run off her dad.

Memorable bits include… read more »

HaBO: Two YAs from Back in the Day

This request is from Shiloh Walker, who is really, really hoping someone can help her, and her daughter out: 

My daughter is getting into reading romance.  I'm trying to keep her more to the YA, which is going well, since there is so much of it out there, butI was trying to remember two of the YA that I read in school, but I can't...

I do remember they were in my high school library, but that's not much help.

One of the them, the hero was a soap star who ended up to school like a regular kid for a while and the heroine had a crush on him and ended up calling his 'soap star' name.  It wasn't a 'typical' name....Blaine.  Stone.  Something.  I can't remember.  It didn't end with them living happily ever after, I think he went back to his job.  That's all I remember.  And I was in high school in the early 90s.

The other one...he was a vampire. Another one that was read in the early 90s.  I don't remember hardly anything about it,… read more »

HaBO: Fallen Angels in the Yard

This HaBO request comes from grad_grrl: 

I never thought writing to HABO would happen to me..

But I was delighted to receive an e-reader for the holidays, and I'm having a stressful time at grad school = reading a lot more trashy books.  There has to be some kind of karmic balance maintained for all those research papers.

Anyway, I vaguely recall reading an excerpt of a book with a heroine who has a fallen/cast out angel crash into her yard.  She holds his hand as it 'dies'.  I think it then comes back as a teenager with serious emo and/or demonic tendencies--but has a candle for the heroine because he remembers her kindness from dying.

I think it might have been young adult.

Increased chance of fallen angel precipitation across the tri-state area! Anyone remember this book? 

HaBO-Thon: This is Some High Grade Crazysauce

This request is from Cathy, who remembers so much crazy from this book, it's just amazing. 

I'm looking from the first romance I ever read, which I'm pretty sure I stole off my older sister. It was a category M&B (I remember it was a skinny book) and the more I think about the plot the more I realise how WTF batshit crazy it was.

Now I don't remember any names, but I reckon publication date would have been 1978-1983 ish.

So without further ado, here's the crazy I remember...

Our heroine is a young stage actress about to break into the big time when she suffers a terrible accident (or maybe the attack of a vicious rival?) that leaves her with horribly disfiguring scars all down one side of her face.