Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Elise Logan Loves Fabio

Elise Logan was kind enough to send me a snapshot collection of some of the finest covers among her library of old skool romance. Among the many, many amazing covers?

Fabio.

According to Elise, this is her secret shame. Well, it’s not so much a secret any more, since I’m telling The Whole Internet.

Behold: the Fabster:

Yeah, yeah, that’s not a big deal. Many people own this book. Heck, *I* own that book.

But you know what they say about romance. And Fabio. It’s what’s inside that counts.

The Spymaster’s Cover Art

While looking for covers for the Chesty-Back challenge, I found a new designed cover for Joanna Bourne’s The Spymaster’s Lady.

Now, I loved this book, but the cover was patently ridiculous:

Knock that oiled chest-baring ab-master off the cover, and substitute something more professional and perhaps boring, and I promise you, linguistics students could study this narrative as a representative work on how to accurately portray the differences in languages…

Oh, that cover made me sad. More than once I’d recommended the book to people who were curious about romance and had to say, “Ignore the oiled abs. Ignore the cover. Hell, spray paint it green. Just don’t look at it and look at the words inside instead. I promise they are SO much better than the cover.”

Here’s the old cover:

And this is the new one, coming out 4 May:

Which do you like better? I confess, I’m not sure that the second one says “romance” either. It’s almost a literary fiction/historical fiction look to it. What do you think?

Team Chest vs. Team Back

When I wrote last week about all the male backs adorning covers lately, I had no idea so many of you loved the view of a man as he leaves with no shirt on. And then I got to thinking- what about all the chests? Forget their heads. No one has something so gauche as a cranium on the cover of a romance novel lately. (I love to picture all the heads getting together as a decapitated cover model support group). But chests and backs? There are LOTS of them.

So I got curious: which do you prefer? Backs or chests? There are many fine, and I do mean fine, examples.

Behold, a few examples of Team Chest:

And batting for Team Back, we have:

Now, which floats your boat? Either? Both? Neither at all? I admit, the last cover gives me the happy-shivers because of the arms, not the back. Which is your favorite male-chesty cover? Post a link or an… read more »

Back It Up, Baby

Hey. You.

Yeah you. You with the back.

Turn around when I’m speaking to you, please. Tossing your hair does nothing for me.

My Romance Novels, Let Me Show You Them - Part III, by Heather Osborn

Heather Osborn has the most awesomest bestest collection of vintage romance novels ever. I’m sure they carry their own insurance policy because they are THAT WICKED GOOD. She was kind enough to photograph a set of her favorites, and this is part three of a triple installment of cover art magnificence.

Yes indeed, this is The Fatal Fortune by Jayne Castle aka Jayne Ann Krentz, 1986. And despite appearances the heroine is not covered in white…goo – the cover is a bit damaged. Sadly, I only have two of the Guinevere Jones books – and since I don’t believe in spending insane money on these hard to find titles, I’ll just have to hope I stumble upon them someday.

My Romance Novels, Let Me Show You Them - Part Deux, by Heather Osborn

We’re back in Wonderland, folks - a trip through Heather Osborn’s romance novel collection. Heather’s old romance and romance author collection is just… wow. This is the second of a three-part tour of her collection. Get some popcorn and have a look at the majesty. Some of these covers are so excellent, we’ve snarked them before - but they’re worth revisiting because… well, LOOK at them!

Name of a Shadow by Ann Maxwell aka Elizabeth Lowell, April, 1980. Look at that crazy art! The crystal gem harp, the flowy hair, the weird spiky plants. Man, I love old books.

My Romance Novels, Let Me Show You Them, by Heather Osborn

It’s like a visit to Wonderland, folks: a photographic tour of some of the best of Heather Osborn’s romance collection. Seriously, it’s like a library of awesome up in here.

    Hi all, I’m Heather Osborn, editor of the Tor Romance line. But I don’t just edit romance – I’m a life-long fan of the genre. As such, I have amassed quite the collection, one that has followed me across the country from Southern California, to Ohio, and now to New York. Sarah asked me to give you a peek into my collection, so I’ve picked some of the more unusual and hard to find books to highlight here. So without further ado, enjoy part of my collection with a bit of cover snark and occasional book commentary thrown in!

Demonwood by Anne Stuart. This is a Candlelight Intrigue that released in September 1979. Needless to say, I tracked this down used. First off, doesn’t the guy on this cover look like Roger Moore? Secondly, if this was an erotic paranormal romance, Demonwood would be the best title ever!

Cover Renovations: From Fraught to Hawt

Pam Rosenthal’s book The Slightest Provocation is being re-released with a new cover, which she wrote about over at the History Hoydens blog, (which is a rather awesome author collaborative blog and totally worth reading weekly, yo). The old cover, as Rosenthal put it, would appeal to readers who might be “in the mood for something improving and uplifting.”

And the new cover? Rosenthal highlights the fact that it is encoded with, “hawt.” Since it features her “angriest, sweatiest, most contentious pair of lovers,” Rosenthal is quite pleased with the visual encoding of the new cover:

I am SO impressed, NAL. Srsly, you have achieved the romance cover trifecta! Mullet: check! Shirt unbuttoned, but still tucked in? CHECK. O-face? CHECKITY CHECK CHECK. And a two-point conversion for both waxed abdominals AND a strangely bent heroine leg - way to go!

Which cover rocks for you? Would you be more likely to pick up the first version or the second? What do you think of the redesign?

Vintage Covers are Ready for Their Close Ups

The wayback machine: land of strange illustrations and cover art that led you to discover amazing writers while questioning the sanity or narcotic habits of certain illustrators.

Sarah: So THAT’S where the idea for Burning Man came from. I’ve always wondered.

Candy: That is quite possibly the strangest tan-line I’ve ever seen. It’s like reverse-goggles-farmer tan.

Sarah: It’s Evanovich’s first paranormal, about a very flexible were-jellyfish woman who masquerades as an 80’s executive while waiting for the chance to stretch her talents and entangle the man of her dreams!

Candy: Holy crap! It’s totally that annoying chick from the first season of West Wing! Except she seems to have picked up a gnarly case of rheumatoid arthritis along the way. Poor lady. My one big piece of advice for you, speaking as a person who’s good friends with a fellow young ‘un with gnarly arthritis: let OXO be thy savior.

Sarah: Never, and I do mean NEVER, doubt… read more »

Cover Snark Goes Vintage

Dust off Ye Olde Eyewash Station: it’s time for retro cover art, courtesy of Diane, who sent me a collection of lovely awesome books, with truly spectacular covers, which I found again when cleaning out my book-gasm of an office.

Sarah: When even the Real Doll™ rejects your attempts to reach first base, it’s time to think about rewriting your eHarmony profile, is all I’m sayin’.

Candy: Zombies are so passé. The new horror trend? Reanimated mannequins, bent on making everybody dress in ironic 80s fashions. Just take a look at the latest sure-to-be-classic George Romero horror flick, “Night of the Disco Mannequins.” They’re not set on eating your brains, but they’re definitely going to try and make your shoulderpads bigger.

And because the picture is just too great to be believed, here’s a close up:

Sarah: For a long time, I wondered where Garth Brooks got his fashion sense. And even though I know the answer to that question now, I remain as mystified as ever as to WHY.

Candy: That is possibly… read more »

Amazing Art

First, from Holly comes this link to Leif Peng’s Today’s Inspiration blog,  and an absolutely amazing visual collection of Francis Marshall’s covers for Barbara Cartland’s novels. Holy smoke.

“For one thing, all the girls have ‘manga eyes’, which is a signature mark of Barbara Cartland heroines, and makes them more unreal. For another, they´re all period costumes, and his background in fashion really shines through here. He is brilliant with the clothes, I find.”

Seriously, take a few minutes and check that out. Holy smoke, is that some fascinating art. I love some of the older covers - not just the neon pink gladiators and the mullets of the 70s and 80s but the retro art on covers like these, too. Do you have favorite old covers? Mullets included?

Moning, Moning, and Night

Thanks to Dell Historicals, should you be perusing your bookshelf, unsure of who wrote this book, there’s no question who the author was:

Or maybe that’s the title: “Karen Marie Moning by Karen Marie Moning.” There’s not enough eponymous romance novels, really - which means someone’s going to come up with a pseudonym like “Spanky Thunderpants” or “His Carnal Desires” so they can hop on the eponymous train.

Thanks to Brandy for the pic, and to Books a Million for having such photogenic carpet.

Oh - that’s another good pseudonym option, especially for eponymous hopefuls: “Photogenic Carpet.”

More Cover Fun

While looking online for my favorite eBay treasure (romance cover art paintings) I found Y’ALL ARE IN A PEEN from yesterday, and today…. giant floating cats.

Specifically, women that turn into oceans where giant floating cats live. And smaller erect women howl at the moon. Or a lighthouse. Probably at the lighthouse. Stupid lighthouse. All erect and phallus-y. Here, have a look:

I don’t know if I can tell you how sad I am that this auction ended.

Accidental Romance Dong

It’s time for… Accidental Dong, Romance Style, with your hosts, Kay Hooper, Gena Showalter, and Kresley Cole! Well, technically they’re not the hosts, but they’ve got dong-ful books.

If you’re not familiar with Accidental Dong, there’s this hideously addictive website full of… accidental peens.

And then there’s the sharp eyes of romance readers, where, much to my gasping shock, there are ACCIDENTAL PEENS EVERYWHERE.

For example: accidental old school peen? Oh, yes.

First: this eBay item, an original cover illustration for a Loveswept romance. Check out that skirt. That HAIR. That shirt open but STILL TUCKED IN!

Gosh, it’s almost worth $350.00.

But when you see the original cover, oh, there’s even more partly peen with a chance of phallus. The illustration was flipped for the cover of Kay Hooper’s Rafferty’s Wife, but the effect is still there.

Y’ALL. Y’ALL! You are IN A PEEN!

But that’s nothing compared to the glance-and-look-again peen noticed by Kathleen, who emailed me and said, “Could it be? I think it is…..wait- I REALLY think it is - yep… read more »

Category romance snark: alternative families!

Candy: You know, the way those boys are looking at the baby? Not cute. I imagine veal farmers looking at their little boxed-in baby cows in much the same way. These guys are not contemplating what a blessing that kid is. Theses guys are contemplating whether they should bust out the fava beans and Chianti.

Sarah: They say women and men can’t relate, but that poor man right there, he understands our pain. His stretched out cranium is like mommy-belly. Women can’t fit in to their pre-pregnancy jeans; he can’t put his Stetson on right since baby Athena sprung fully formed from his forehead.

Candy: Damn, those pleated pants are FIERCE. And look, just because the FTM hasn’t quite finished transitioning yet is no reason to call him “bad.” Tsk.

Sarah: You’ve seen the trifecta of hero, version 1.0, with mullet, sword, and shirt undone but still tucked in.

Behold: the trifecta of hero, v. 2.0, more badder than bad: mullet, contrast trim pima polo shirt, and pleated khakis. Rwor. Just wait until the Fabio covers roll out with this getup.

read more »