Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Harlequin Covers: Seeing Double the Man Hands

Hi Harlequin!

You know I think you are all spiffy, right? How’s things? I wanted to give you guys a heads up that there is a blonde girl who is confusing me utterly.

First, she was on Julie Cohen’s His for the Taking, which I read and really liked - and which caused me to start a Cohen-a-licious attraction to anything Julie Cohen writes. I ranted about the US Harlequin Presents cover in my review, but I’ll post it here:

Oh, my GOSH. The poor girl’s man hands and her THUMB. She’s like Sissy Hankshaw up in there. My gosh. And her SKIN. It is crying for some soothing lotion like STAT and WHOA.

But you know, girls with big thumbs, they need work. And if Tom Robbins isn’t writing a sequel to Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, at least this woman found work in the cover for the recently re-released The Outback Marriage Ransom by Emma Darcy.

No, wait, no, she didn’t. It’s the same picture.

The Darcy cover may (and likely does) predate the Cohen cover, but Harlequin! Come on now! You must know that… read more »

Cover Snark: Wayback Retro Edition

The ever-awesome LadyRhian did some scanning, and then Candy and I did some screaming and some rushing and some eyewashing, and now it’s your turn to feast your eyes on the retro majesty.

Don’t say we didn’t warn you. As usual, these covers are NSFW in the fuchsia sense. I mean, there is NO way you can pass off that you’re doing work if you’re caught having a look-see at these.

Caption That Cover: Nosehair Winner

That’s right - you win nosehair! Just kidding.

While I wish I could give away legless levitation with glowing ass powers, alas, my powers are limited to a $25 gift certificate to the bookstore of the winner’s choosing for winning the Caption That Cover: Nosehair Edition contest, featuring one of the very worst covers I’ve seen in a long time.

Honorable mentions:

redcrow for “glittery anus”

Nadia for “In a world where their love is only limited by her supply of those little Tabasco packets you get at Chick-Fil-A, together they…Wait for Dusk!”

Castiron for “She’s a rare example of the Shining Rear Vampire.”

Natalie Hart for “She wanted to go down on him, but there didn’t seem to be any *there* there ... perhaps ... his nose was so large, and so hard ... it was worth a shot.”

First runner up:

Linsalot for “He had narcolepsy, She had halitosis.  They were never meant to be together, but fate intervened and one legless night in a cave was all it took to change thier lives forever.”

And the winner: Kathleen for:

She wanted a man who could find her tapeworm.

He wanted a woman… read more »

Caption That Cover: Nosehair Edition

I received a copy of this book in the mail, and I stared at the cover for a good five minutes trying to figure out what in the name of potpourri was going on there. Take a look:

First, this is one of the worst Photoshopped covers I’ve seen in forever. I can’t even find a digital image that truly showcases the hatchet and machete job of cut & paste that’s going on up in here. In the actual book cover, you can see this fugly line around the couple where they were dropped in front of the rocky background, and it’s so obvious you think it’s embossing, but no, run your finger over it and it’s flat. Maybe someone got crazy with the drop shadow and outer glow tools.

Hold up, here’s a scan.

Pick Your Feehan Hair

Sometimes, you’re just not sure if a cover is going to work. I imagine this happens to everyone in publishing. Maybe there’s two perfect covers, or two perfect models, and you can’t pick the right one. Sometimes, it’s just a question of hair. Uber curl or long and blonde?

Which do you choose? How about both! Uber-alert reader Tracey sent me a heads-up about these two… heads.

Exhibit A: the paperback cover

Exhibit B: the ebook cover

Which do you like better?

Urban Fantasy Hits You At the Belt

Alert reader Robin N. sent me the following collection of images, asking, “I know you talk about the butt side vs the front side on covers, and the dismembered corpse. What I want to know is, what is it with this belt? Why do I see this belt on practically every UF book?”

Belt? There’s an urban fantasy belt? Oh yes, yes there is.

Crafty Romance

I’m always fascinated by what folks do with romance novel covers on Etsy. If you have a giant pile of romances laying about the house (like sloths!) and you don’t know what to do with them (and really, who does know what to do with slothful romances?) here’s some Etsy-approved ideas for craftmaking.

Only the best covers can become pendants. But if it’s a woman’s backside, is it really gay? And if a gay tree falls in the woods, is there wood?

You can also make greetings cards out of them, though it’s always better if you (ahem) refrain from referring to them as “sleazy romance novels.” Sleazy. Wow. Haven’t heard that one deployed in awhile.

But if you’ve got a ton, and I mean a TON of romances you want to display and not nearly enough bookshelves to lovingly place each one face-out on the shelf for maximum admiration, how about…furniture?

Get your Mod Podge and Get Crazy: side tables and coffee tables everywhere are absolutely screaming for this treatment.

I have to say, that’s kind of awesome and I’d totally podge the dickens out of a bedstand with romance covers—but not as a coffee… read more »

Caption That Bedsheet Cover: The Winners

Oh, the fun of a Caption That Cover when the cover is so completely barmy.

Here, have another look:

Ahh. Nothing like some sweet, busty WTFery in the morning, right?

So, without further ado, the honorable mentions in our cover captioning contest. The entries ranged from…

The domestic:

Kathy: “Now look, this is how we hang the sheets at my mother’s house.  Are you watching?  See, it’s just that easy.”

Laurie: This is the way we wash the sheets (wash the sheets, wash the sheets), this is the way we wash the sheets, so early in the morning.

The silly:

Lisa Law: Look out your window at your man. Now look at me. Now look at your man’s nipple. Now look at mine…”

Snidley Whiplash: I couldn’t help but notice, the carpet doesn’t match the drapes

Ruby Duvall:

Hello, ladies. Look at my hand, now back at my chest, now back at my hand, NOW BACK AT MY PECS. Where are you? You’re in a hot air balloon, with the man your man could smell like!!!

The breasty:

Brianna: ‘Hello, I am your lactation consultant for today.… read more »

Caption That Cover

While looking up the links for the Alexis Harrington review, I found this cover:

WOW. OH, man, what the hell is he doing? No, really, tell me: what the hell is going on in there? Caption this cover! You’ve got 24 hours to leave your best caption in the comments. I’ll pick the winner (and feel free to nudge my vote), who will receive a $25 gift card to the bookstore of his or her choice.

Really, what the hell is going on in there?!

I’m Enchanted Whilst Yon Booty Goes Da-Na-Da!

Ain’t no booty like historical booty. And Harlequin knows it, yo. Thanks to Carin, we have not one but TWO historical back-that-up covers.

But wait, there’s more!

Carin and I are both somewhat alarmed by the second cover. As Carin said, “I do think the first cover model wears it better, though I may be distracted by the green mist on the second cover, which I can ONLY see as visible fart odor….” Yes. Gaseous-looking curls emanating from a backside can only mean… something not good. 

My question to you: whose historical booty reigns supreme?

Elise Logan Loves Fabio

Elise Logan was kind enough to send me a snapshot collection of some of the finest covers among her library of old skool romance. Among the many, many amazing covers?

Fabio.

According to Elise, this is her secret shame. Well, it’s not so much a secret any more, since I’m telling The Whole Internet.

Behold: the Fabster:

Yeah, yeah, that’s not a big deal. Many people own this book. Heck, *I* own that book.

But you know what they say about romance. And Fabio. It’s what’s inside that counts.

The Spymaster’s Cover Art

While looking for covers for the Chesty-Back challenge, I found a new designed cover for Joanna Bourne’s The Spymaster’s Lady.

Now, I loved this book, but the cover was patently ridiculous:

Knock that oiled chest-baring ab-master off the cover, and substitute something more professional and perhaps boring, and I promise you, linguistics students could study this narrative as a representative work on how to accurately portray the differences in languages…

Oh, that cover made me sad. More than once I’d recommended the book to people who were curious about romance and had to say, “Ignore the oiled abs. Ignore the cover. Hell, spray paint it green. Just don’t look at it and look at the words inside instead. I promise they are SO much better than the cover.”

Here’s the old cover:

And this is the new one, coming out 4 May:

Which do you like better? I confess, I’m not sure that the second one says “romance” either. It’s almost a literary fiction/historical fiction look to it. What do you think?

Team Chest vs. Team Back

When I wrote last week about all the male backs adorning covers lately, I had no idea so many of you loved the view of a man as he leaves with no shirt on. And then I got to thinking- what about all the chests? Forget their heads. No one has something so gauche as a cranium on the cover of a romance novel lately. (I love to picture all the heads getting together as a decapitated cover model support group). But chests and backs? There are LOTS of them.

So I got curious: which do you prefer? Backs or chests? There are many fine, and I do mean fine, examples.

Behold, a few examples of Team Chest:

And batting for Team Back, we have:

Now, which floats your boat? Either? Both? Neither at all? I admit, the last cover gives me the happy-shivers because of the arms, not the back. Which is your favorite male-chesty cover? Post a link or an… read more »

Back It Up, Baby

Hey. You.

Yeah you. You with the back.

Turn around when I’m speaking to you, please. Tossing your hair does nothing for me.

My Romance Novels, Let Me Show You Them - Part III, by Heather Osborn

Heather Osborn has the most awesomest bestest collection of vintage romance novels ever. I’m sure they carry their own insurance policy because they are THAT WICKED GOOD. She was kind enough to photograph a set of her favorites, and this is part three of a triple installment of cover art magnificence.

Yes indeed, this is The Fatal Fortune by Jayne Castle aka Jayne Ann Krentz, 1986. And despite appearances the heroine is not covered in white…goo – the cover is a bit damaged. Sadly, I only have two of the Guinevere Jones books – and since I don’t believe in spending insane money on these hard to find titles, I’ll just have to hope I stumble upon them someday.