Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

The Mantitty Wayback Machine

Sarah: Does anything say retro mantitty than some serious mullet action and neon pink hues?

And dude. They appear to be doing it. And by “doing it” I mean putting his little apache in her left kneecap.

Candy: I had NO IDEA Apaches pioneered Aquanet usage. When will white people stop ravaging the rightful heritage of Native Americans everywhere?

Sarah: The weight of that mullet must have compacted his vertebrae. How’s he going to conquer anyone with no neck?

Candy: Not only does he have no neck, his pectorals are shoved up so high, they’re nearly underneath his chin. There’s definitely some sort of spinal disorder going on.

As for the chick…dude, her face is more masculine than Fabio’s. I think that arm is hiding an Adam’s apple.

*starts bumping the tips of her two index fingers together while making poinking sounds*

Sarah: From the “Booty Call” line of Zebra romances - “his sweet savage headband caressed the wet nightgown of her passion… but could their love survive the junk in her trunk?”

Candy: Now… read more »

A Few Reader-Submitted Atrocities

So kind of y’all to share. No, really. We appreciate it. And so do our opthamologists, whose children we are now putting through college, Master’s and PhD programs from now until eternity, due to the multiple eye transplants we’ve tried in our efforts to erase these images from our retinas.

Unfortunately, the images, they stick like the glue.

Sarah: I’d like a veil. A thick one. To cover my eyes. I’m assuming from the big teeth he’s a vampire (surprise!) but dude looks dumb. Anyone who looks like that misses creepy by a mile and lands somewhere in the vicinity of, “Duuuuuuh.”

And also, it’s unfortunate that the first two initials of the author’s name pretty much sum up the cover art efforts on this one.

Candy: Damn, where’d they get this guy? Did they thaw him out from your friendly neighborhood glacier?

It’s also somewhat scary to know that vampires were already around when hominids were just barely starting to walk upright.

Sarah: Half wet-tshirt contest, half episode of “Dancing with the Stars” gone horribly wrong.

And also, she… read more »

Making Tonda Cry, One Cover at a Time

Lovelysalome answered the call - damn fast, too - and found us an image of Touched by Thorns. I’m thinking that the deep historical inaccuracies on this cover will make Tonda wish for some of those thorns with which to gouge out her eyes. Check it out:

And for her efforts, I hereby dub Lovelysalome, who braved the frontier of Chinese eBay for our fine graphic display, a member of the Smart Bitch peerage:

Historical covers that SHOULD be wallpaper

Sarah: Now this is just dumb. There’s a storm so bad there’s water on board. The ship’s wheel is up to its handle in water… so let’s have hot sex! Nothing like some onboard danger sex with a muscle-bound grease-master and a red-haired harlot in a very-historically accurate miniskirt.

Candy: Hey, is that a red handkerchief streaming out of her right pocket? No wonder that captain is all over her.

The captain’s dedication to keeping his body completely hair-free is also astonishing, if the state of the ocean on the cover is representative of the conditions the ship had to endure. I imagine it’d make shaving certain body regions into a bona fide X-TREME sport.

Sarah: I do this pose in yoga. It’s not very comfortable. I believe it’s called “Sage pose,” and it’s designed to squeeze the organs to release toxins from your body as you stretch and twist the spine. She’s doing quite a twist, there - looks like her upper body is almost 180 degrees from her lap. She’s squeezing something out.

I wonder if he’s a giant blonde… read more »

Covers!

Sarah: Lord of what Border? The border between creepy and haughty? The border between “fashionably long” and “dude, get a haircut?”

I’ve never a seen a cover that actually strove for a physical embodiment of “looking down your nose” and nailed it so well.

Candy: If the border this dude’s the Lord of marks the end of Good Taste, may I gently suggest that he not fling himself OVER it with quite so much enthusiasm, and with such a supercilious look on his face?

Sarah: Oh, thank God he already has a mate. And given her dead-eyed stare, she doesn’t care that he’s all sneering at her. Or maybe he’s looking down at her off-center, oddly-shaped breasts.

Either way, I am glad that she and her curling iron can go live with him. If I owned these too books, I’d put them on a shelf facing each other so they can gaze fishily at each other in perpetuity.

Candy: It’s sad when a publisher can’t afford live models any more and has to resort to Realdolls (LINK NOT WORK-SAFE) for their… read more »

Fire in the Disco, Fire in the Taco Bell

Oh the burning, the burning. Click on the extended text if you’re ready for a world of pain.

Please note: THE GOGGLES, THEY DO NOTHING.

DeSalvo D’assault!

Sarah: I have often wished for hair that would wave gently and always stay back behind my ears. And I’ve often wished for a man with giant titties, oddly-lumped nipples (perhaps a doctor should check that right titty there) and no legs to make vaguely obscene two-fingered gestures with his fingers at me from the cover of a book.

How nice that half of my wishes come true.

Candy: He’s on a quest to find the mighty Clitoris, and he will wander through as many dank swamps and moist caverns as he’ll have to, two fingers always at the ready.

Sarah: If the something that is wild is hidden in the giant brown sock dangling from his waist, it does not appear to be all that wild. And neither does its owner, who appears to be somewhat befuddled at best, and drugged out of his mind at worst. Maybe he’s about to pull a Baldwin, string himself out on coke, and swing from the ceiling fan.

He’s wearing the same expression as the legless deSalvo above, so my guess is that no, he’s… read more »

Rita Me This, Part Deux

Fish? Barrel? Why, yes!

Sarah: What is happening to his legs? What’s happening to him? Is he dissolving into the feathery bluegrass? Is grass to him like The Dip is to Toons in Roger Rabbit? No wonder he’s carrying her.

Also, correct me if I’m wrong but I think she’s going commando.

Candy: Is that supposed to be water? Damn, I have a hard time telling. If it’s water, and the marriage is so damn miraculous, why isn’t he walking ON it, eh? EH?

Although I suppose that would give the term “Personal Jesus” entirely new connotations that I’m not quite up to working out on a Monday afternoon.

Sarah: Yeah, her last defense? To Not Eat. Look at her upper arm! Is he going to break it off and use it as a toothpick?

Candy: Her last defense is to let that sheet drop at a very strategic moment, revealing…KUATO!

Sarah: What the F is going on in this cover? It’s like a train wreck with Alan Thicke. His arm is weird, and he… read more »

E-Gah!

Sarah: A Lifetime Original Movie: Not Without My Head! - Juliana Marguiles goes on a bad ‘shroom trip, and finds her head has been poorly cut-and-pasted onto a book cover beneath a man for whom “The Fairy Ring” means something entirely different. One-and-one-half stars.

Candy: I’m not sure if this cover would be improved or made worse if I viewed it under the influence of some good old-fashioned psilocybin.

I’m thinking “not,” because that thing is a bad trip if I ever saw one.

I’m also slightly disturbed by the way the the cover looks more like exceptionally bad Inara/Wash Firefly ‘ship fanart.

Sarah: Trixie curled her hair around one finger and giggled in that high-pitch, wind-chimey way of hers. 

“Thore, I get that your brother is the Tower of Golden Shower, and your cousin is The Fistin’ Piston. But why are you called The Amber Inferno? And why do you order your AssBlaster Burgers with extra saffron and sweet potatoes?”

“...Thore? What’s that smell?”

Candy: Look, I’m just saying: with a title like Amber Inferno, I expect a cover that looks sort… read more »

RITA me this!

This week’s cover snark was brought to you by this year’s RITA nominees. Quality romance != quality covers, as many authors can probably attest to (poor Loretta Chase—will she ever catch a break, or does God really hate her so much that she’s forever doomed to hideous covers featuring dudes with greasy perms and/or jaundice?). So, congratulations to the nominees, and also best of luck—especially with the art department.

Candy: The Secret Wife hands the (no doubt) Even More Secret Baby to Gunther the bodyguard so he can exterminate the last of the evidence of her drunken Cabo weekend.

Sarah:

Dude. Isn’t that the bald guy from Night Court? You never know WHO is going to turn up as a cover model next!

And why is there a car driving into his crotch?

Candy: HAY GUYS! THIS BOOK IS LIKE OMGHOT LIKE REALLY FOR REALZ HOT! EVEN THOUGH THE GUY LOOKS LIKE A BLIND DATE REJECT BUT U NO HES HOT COZ LOOK AT ALL THOSE HOT CHICS STANDING AROUND HIM.

Sarah: Here at SBTB we present the following ironclad rule: “If… read more »

Grab Bag of Awful

We have taken mercy on our readership and suspended our DeSalvo cover fug for the nonce. Well, OK, not really. There’s ONE DeSalvo cover in this batch of cover snarkage, but it’s pretty discreet. We do have other types of man-titty for your viewing (dis)pleasure, however.

Cowboy DeSalvo

If you are Leigh Greenwood, you are one lucky man/woman. Because oh, holy night, you got yourself some fine DeSalvo covers for your “The Cowboys” series. From Greenwood’s website:

The freedom of the range, the bawling of the longhorns, the lonesome night watch beneath a vast, starry sky - they got into a man’s blood until he knew there was nothing better than the life of a cowboy…except the love of a good woman.

This series tells the stories of nearly a dozen orphans who’re adopted by Jake and Isabelle Maxwell and grow up on their cattle ranch in the Texas Hill Country.

So as the longhorns bawl (perhaps due to the purple prose?) you find a bunch of orphans, who, judging from the covers, miraculously all look alike (except for Sean, who wants you to pull his finger). That is some serious scientific mystery right there, folks. I’m amazed that A&E hasn’t done a heavily-promoted special on the identical orphans. They’re all desalvolicious in their own special way.

Sarah: The mullet. The manly firearm held erect from his manly crotch. And of course, the mantitty. Buck is a master… read more »

DeSave me from DeSalvo

Sarah: He looks like he feels a little guilty. Here he is, trying to impress you, sharpening his wee little blade, wearing his finest feather headdress, and ...whoops!  A little poot slips from beneath his buckskins. And he hopes you won’t notice but it’s visible, a green, sulfur cloud that wafts behind him. Ooops. No wonder he feels guilty. He killed the Laird of the Wind with his green Savage Thunder.

Candy: His buddies HATE going hunting with him, not only because of the thunderous savagery emanating from his behiney, but because the stench scares away the animals for miles around. Also, he doesn’t look savage so much as he does kind of tweaked-out and worried. He looks like he’s just snorted a huge line of coke and trying really, really hard to stifle a real ripper, but not quite succeeding.

Also: Egad. What are the odds that there’d be not one, but two books entitled Savage Thunder? Gotta love the romance novel industry.

Sarah: Oh, Holy God, SHE’S A MAN, BABY. A MAAAAAN.

Candy: Wow. Props to the art department for finding a… read more »

Is that a sword or are you just happy to see me?

Ann Lawrence is one lucky lady. Not only is she quite funny (I’ve met her) but her covers? All feature the Majestic DeSalvo.

Oddly, he’s always holding something long, hard and equally majestic when he’s depicted on her books. Makes me wonder if the art department is trying to..convey something. I mean, you don’t have to hit me over the head with it; I’ll figure it out eventually. Hmm. Maybe he’s going fishing?

Sarah: Lord of the Mist meets Lord of the Wind. It’s like the best grudge match ever! The Lord of the Mist, nebulous like the vapor, cunning as the fog, but damn, he carries a big ass stick. Is he any match for the Lord of the Wind’s, ur, wind?

Candy: Every Saturday, yon Lord of the Mist wreaks devastation in his wake, turning formerly thriving cities into desolate desolate swamps with his dank, noxious fogs—because that’s always the day cook makes her special Lentil Soup and Devilled Eggs lunch.

Sarah: I tell you what, the Lord of the Keep also carries a big ol’ stick, too. What… read more »

Hair of the DeSalvo

It’s not just the Hairclub for Men anymore. It’s the Hair Club for Men with Man-titty.

Sarah: Future Mega Mullet Man gazed at the air to the left of her ear, hoping she would admire his fine pooftah necklace and big green plastic armband.

“Wow,” she thought. “Could he BE any more gay?”

Candy: That is truly a magnificent mullet—it’s so big that the dude has to wear his crown on his arm, because there’s no way it could’ve fit over that mane of glory. But I have to say, it’s all eclipsed by the woman’s futuristic RennFaire-Orgasmed-All-Over-40-Yards-of-Hot-Pink-Satin monstrosity. And what better to go with a Medieval Bitches In Space dress than midnight blue tights?

Sarah: The hair, it is half ducks-ass and half overgrown mullet. I think it’s an exaggerated version of the typical description of a hero who “wears his hair longer than fashionable” with a forelock he can toss back in an arrogant manner.

But in this depiction? He looks scruffy and over-moussed.

And also, is it me or is her torso disturbingly short, like her leg is emerging… read more »