Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Caption This Cover: HORROR EDITION Winners!

Should I infict the clown cover upon you another time? Yes, I think I shall: 

She's got pigtails and a considering expression on her face.

He's, well, if you have a clown phobia, he's the most terrifying ever. If you don't have a clown phobia, he's still kind of terrifying.

So who wins the caption that cover HORROR EDITION?

Caption This Cover: HORROR EDITION

I apologize in advance for this cover, as I know you're all going to scream. I tweeted it last week and people were hollering at me on Twitter for hours afterward. Nightmares, twitches and phobias, all awakened by a single romance cover. 

It's so awful, I'm going to put a second silly cover beneath it to help sooth your ravaged psyche. You ready?

Heroic Wardrobe Decisions

I notice that when I read romances, I really enjoy scenes from the hero's point of view. I love the change in perspective, but more importantly, I love scenes where, because I know the character from the prose, I almost know already what he's thinking.

But then, I realized, we've known for a long time what men are thinking in romanceland. Take, for example, these marvelous examples of portraiture which are all courtesy of the amazing old skool collection of JamiSings, who scanned and sent all these images to me.

I think we've been subtly taught by these cover images what the romance hero is thinking, particularly about fashion. These heroes are here to guide us through important heroic wardrobe decisions.

Wardrobe is very important. Whether you're in the dazzling Tudor court or the sparkling Regency or the semi-carbonated Jacobean era, what you wear is crucial. See? This poor man looks miserable.

Cover Art and Artists

First, from Rebecca, this is a fascinating article that profiles Claire Brown, who designs covers for romance novels from Forever.

I love this article because it's not condescending or snide- it talks about the art involved.

The design of the romance genre is driven by sales, but the formula works. “There are constraints in how much we can deviate without alienating the reader,” Brown says. “Familiarity in typeface and painterly style reassures the reader that this book is what you think it is going to be, and you are going to love it. “With that said, there are an infinite number of design problems that need to be solved within the constraints of a romance cover. The canvas is very small and the typography and setting are grand. A knowledge of history and classical art, architecture, and furnishings is important. We have a library of classical art books, contemporary high fashion, architecture, and interior design. I take field trips to the Met for inspiration.

And speaking of the art involved, check this weirdness. I am on the mailing list for… read more »

All They Wanna Do

It seems I have been looking at book covers for far, far too long. I now recognize when Ewa Da Cruz is featured on a cover, and I can almost tell the artist when I look at a picture. I'm not the only one keep track - this Pinterest board has artist and model notes, too.

But I'm beginning to think there's something seriously wrong when I can recognize the same two people from a very sexual photo shoot. Have a look - and BE YE WARNED. This is so not safe for work: 

Heads, Shoulders, Knees, Toes and Shoes

For awhile now, on historical romance covers, we've been looking at backs, or, more specifically, women undressing from the back:

I love how all these women in historical times went around with their gowns laced over nothing. It's like the upper-body version of going commando. Boobmando! 

Learning from Trouble

There are levels of trouble in cover art land. There's "a little trouble," like when the eyes of a cover model's face are Photoshopped a little crooked. There's "a lot more trouble" like a cover with nipples so erect that you could hang ornaments and some garlands off them. And then there's "WTFTROUBLE," which is where we are today. Brace yourself as we take a look at some covers of "Beautiful Trouble Publishing" which specializes in erotic stories, some short, some romance, some bedecked with Poser. But each one teaches something important, I think. And not just the ages-old lesson, 'Always have the eyewash station handy.' 

Now, much of this website is NSFW, but this is extra more NSFW, so be ye warned. 

Longarm

Last week, Jane sent me some Longarm, by which I mean she attached about six different Longarm covers to an email message and I barely remained upright. These were so bizarre, I asked her to snark them with me. But first, Jane answers the burning question, HOW DID YOU FIND THESE?

Jane: I was searching Berkley published books in an effort to find some deals.  I came across these. I think that there are several hundred of them published.

Sarah: Yup. After doing some research, I found this Wikipedia entry which states that there is one Longarm novel published nearly every month. There are nearly 400 in the series - in fact, #400, Longarm and the 400 Blows comes out (snerk) February 28. The series is distinguished "from classical westerns by the inclusion of more explicit sex and violence." So one per month, with more sex and violence. Yeah. I am going to start Longarming people who sniff at romance.

Sarah: Setting aside the Best Perm Ever, he's chasing his perpetrator through the back door while somehow hiding beneath another woman's skirt. WOW. HOW IS THIS NOT A MOVIE?

Lovesweeping the Titles

Now that more of the old Loveswept romances are being re-released, I think it's time I spoke up with my one request for the Loveswept line.

If we're bringing back old Loveswept, we have to bring back the best Loveswept titles.

First, she's not actually ON the zebra. 

Second, join me in having this stuck in your head: Angels on zebras and weasels on ponies...dude on the carousel's likely a brony.

Women of the Future!

This entry is all thanks to Heather, who cleaned out a bookstore shelf and found a treasure trove of PROGNOSTICATION. To heck with groundhogs and the weather and what's going to happen in publishing next.

We need to know about the future, the weather of the distant future, the role of women in the distant future, and, most importantly, the COLOR SCHEMES of the future. And so, I happily present:

Women of the Future: A coloriffic overview! (Please imagine that said in a Very Deep and Impressive Voice). 

Most of these books took place in the faraway future or a distant fantasyland. I see the covers as efforts to predict the future, old-skool style, and behold, they are amazing.

Caption This Cover: Carpet Edition

Jan Oda sent me this cover, and all the possible jokes ran to the front of my brain and pushed each other like the doors just opened at Target and everything was 65% off.I'm not sure if there's been a better candidate for "Caption That Cover" - well, of course there have, but not this week!

I mean, from jokes about munching carpet to whether the rug matches the drapes to what REALLY goes on in NJ, there's no shortage (heh) of opportunities here. So here we go! It's Caption That Cover time! 

Leave your caption in the comments, and I'll pick the best one. The champion captioner will win a $25 gift certificate to the bookstore of his or her choosing. 

Standard disclaimers apply. I'm not being compensated for this giveaway. Void where prohibited. Open to those 18 years of… read more »

Well Played, Avon!

Two weeks ago, I had a signing at Posman’s Books in Grand Central Station, and as I chatted with Stacey Agdern, the romance expert there, I noticed something really interesting on the shelves. Posman’s has a small romance section, but for its size, it’s amazingly diverse and well-stocked - mostly thank to Stacey, who is kickass as a bookseller and as a romance advocate. Because of the smallness of the section, most of the books were displayed spine-out, and this is where I noticed that Avon was doing something REALLY cool. Have a look. (NB: I apologize for the somewhat lame quality of some of the pics.)

See how Lavinia Kent’s titles pretty much jump off the shelf and grab you? Look at how much of the spine is taken up by cover art.

Caption This Cover: I Can’t Have That

This cover was sent to me in the email by an anonymous source. I tweeted about it last night before I had to sign off for the evening, but I had to share it with you here, too.

Why is the ass crack the most objectionable part of that image such that it had to be airbrushed shut? WHY does she have no crack?!

Romance: Building The Perfect Hero

Ah, romance covers. They say so much with so little. It occurred to me recently that the perfect romance hero has pretty much been assembled through the artistic renderings of the romance cover.

Don’t think so? Have a look.

The perfect romance hero must:

Have excellent dental work

Really. We expect the finest in dentistry. (He should wipe his chin, though.)

And of course, man-titty with extraordinary buoyancy in a maritime emergency:

Lisa Kleypas’ UK vs US Cover Showdown

This entry was inspired by Abby, who wrote to me and implored, “go to amazon.co.uk and look up Lisa Kleypas. WHY ARE THEIR BOOK COVERS SO MUCH BETTER THAN OURS?!?!?!! I am so upset about this, it’s kind of ridiculous. They just look so much classier! It’s totally unfair.”

Is that so? Well, let’s have a look, shall we? All the pics are below the fold - but the poll, depending on the browser, may be up here.