Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Women of the Future!

This entry is all thanks to Heather, who cleaned out a bookstore shelf and found a treasure trove of PROGNOSTICATION. To heck with groundhogs and the weather and what's going to happen in publishing next.

We need to know about the future, the weather of the distant future, the role of women in the distant future, and, most importantly, the COLOR SCHEMES of the future. And so, I happily present:

Women of the Future: A coloriffic overview! (Please imagine that said in a Very Deep and Impressive Voice). 

Most of these books took place in the faraway future or a distant fantasyland. I see the covers as efforts to predict the future, old-skool style, and behold, they are amazing.

Caption This Cover: Carpet Edition

Jan Oda sent me this cover, and all the possible jokes ran to the front of my brain and pushed each other like the doors just opened at Target and everything was 65% off.I'm not sure if there's been a better candidate for "Caption That Cover" - well, of course there have, but not this week!

I mean, from jokes about munching carpet to whether the rug matches the drapes to what REALLY goes on in NJ, there's no shortage (heh) of opportunities here. So here we go! It's Caption That Cover time! 

Leave your caption in the comments, and I'll pick the best one. The champion captioner will win a $25 gift certificate to the bookstore of his or her choosing. 

Standard disclaimers apply. I'm not being compensated for this giveaway. Void where prohibited. Open to those 18… read more »

Well Played, Avon!

Two weeks ago, I had a signing at Posman’s Books in Grand Central Station, and as I chatted with Stacey Agdern, the romance expert there, I noticed something really interesting on the shelves. Posman’s has a small romance section, but for its size, it’s amazingly diverse and well-stocked - mostly thank to Stacey, who is kickass as a bookseller and as a romance advocate. Because of the smallness of the section, most of the books were displayed spine-out, and this is where I noticed that Avon was doing something REALLY cool. Have a look. (NB: I apologize for the somewhat lame quality of some of the pics.)

See how Lavinia Kent’s titles pretty much jump off the shelf and grab you? Look at how much of the spine is taken up by cover art.

Caption This Cover: I Can’t Have That

This cover was sent to me in the email by an anonymous source. I tweeted about it last night before I had to sign off for the evening, but I had to share it with you here, too.

Why is the ass crack the most objectionable part of that image such that it had to be airbrushed shut? WHY does she have no crack?!

Romance: Building The Perfect Hero

Ah, romance covers. They say so much with so little. It occurred to me recently that the perfect romance hero has pretty much been assembled through the artistic renderings of the romance cover.

Don’t think so? Have a look.

The perfect romance hero must:

Have excellent dental work

Really. We expect the finest in dentistry. (He should wipe his chin, though.)

And of course, man-titty with extraordinary buoyancy in a maritime emergency:

Lisa Kleypas’ UK vs US Cover Showdown

This entry was inspired by Abby, who wrote to me and implored, “go to amazon.co.uk and look up Lisa Kleypas. WHY ARE THEIR BOOK COVERS SO MUCH BETTER THAN OURS?!?!?!! I am so upset about this, it’s kind of ridiculous. They just look so much classier! It’s totally unfair.”

Is that so? Well, let’s have a look, shall we? All the pics are below the fold - but the poll, depending on the browser, may be up here.

Scuse Me, Sir, What’s That?

Do you see it? Do you? Huh?

Fitzwilliam Darcy in the Sack

Something about the pocket watch… it is so subtle. It’s trying to evoke something, but what? I don’t think I have the stones to figure it out. The ponderous weight of contemplation is leaving me blank. Oh, dear. The balls are in your court now.

Graceful curtsey to Catinbody for the link to this cover.

Sexytimes for Turnip

We’ve got quite a selection of covers here. Some satirical, some terrifying, some stunning, and some stunning for other reasons than the first one that was stunning. You ready to pick a winner, and implore Lauren Willig to Write Turnip’s Missing Sexytimes? Here we go! Voting takes place right here, so vote early, vote often (or once, as your IP address allows). Note: the poll might jump around - sorry about that. Tricky poll.

Zee Bucket! In Dutch!

BONJOUR! Are you awake?! You should be! Ah am here, and Ah Am Zee Bucket!

Ah know you have missed me. Today, Ah report to you zee horrible horribleness of mah second cousin once removed but not quite removed enough, MS PAINT. She ees, Ah am sad to say, quite sloppy.

Fear not, Harlequin, zees is not about you! You are safe from ZEE BUCKET OF TRIUMPH today! Zut Alors! Ah know you have zee relief, oui? N’est pas? Ah know you all speak zee French, so you know how to read between zee lines!

Anyway, Mah shoddy cousine, Ms. Paint, was spotted in Dutch. Ah do not speak zee Dutch but perhaps Ah must learn because only AH can prevent ZEES MADNESS!

Many gracious mercis to Jan Oda, who spotted Ms. Paint’s dastardly crimes!

Hold up, Is That Richard Armitage?

Alert reader Jennifer sent me the following message: “Searching for a good (kindle) historical mystery for myself, I noticed that someone slapped Richard Armitage on the cover of their book:

It’s flipped & Photoshopped, but it definitely looks like his head shot (via RichardArmitageNet.com).

I’m all for seeing Richard everywhere, but somehow I don’t think this is authorized usage—- couldn’t they afford some stock photography to use? Arrgh. (sending it your way since this site discusses book covers and Richard Armitage is one of the patron saint hotties of romance).”

HUH. That’s a new one - self published book sales via Armitage. There’s already an Amazon review citing Armitage’s picture as a reason for buying the book.

See for yourself. Here’s the book:

‘Allo! Ah am Zee Bucket! Ah strike Again!

‘Allo. Ah am zee Bucket. You perhaps have seen mah work on other covers, yes? No? Yes yes!

HERE AH AM. AH STRIKE AGAIN WITH MAH BUCKETNESS. Some vixen named Kim has spotted the efforts of Bucket. 

First, we have zee cover with zee green from 2009. Ah like the green. It is very green, like zee environment, and zee logo at zee bottom of zee email telling me not to print zee email, which Ah do not do since Ah am a Bucket.

But what if you are tired of zee green? Green, it is too… too… too 2009, yes? No? YES YES.

That Bucket Gets BUSY

It’s time for yet another Adventure Of Bucket! Not Hyacinth Bucket, nor the Lolrus Bucket. This bucket.

This bucket has a lot of work to do. Here’s an example. Look! It’s a book cover, brought to my attention by sharp-eyed reader DL!

Quite a lovely photograph, really. It’s not bad. But NOT FOR BUCKET. Bucket Must Make Change!

Covers Across the Pond

Reader Cate alerted me to the differences in Elizabeth Hoyt’s covers between the US and UK versions. Have a look. This is the UK version:

And this is the US version:

Cate went out of her way to order the US copy even though she’s in the UK, because she really, really dislikes the historical inaccuracy of the cover: “This is a book set in 1737 - I know that because it says so on the first page(!).So why then have Piatkus given the book a set of cover models who look like they’ve just walked off the set of Pride & Prejudice? Or does one historical era fit all ? - a bit like a kaftan!”

I confess to not being as savvy as Cate, but I’m also not sure which cover I’d prefer. On one hand, the US cover very clearly says historical romance - but the UK cover, and the title as listed in Amazon.co.uk, seems to market it as a mystery/romance, particularly the additional reference to mystery in the title: “Notorious Pleasures: A Maiden Lane Novel: A Wesley Peterson Murder Mystery.”

Which do… read more »

Cover Question: Hooking Me Up

Kay and a few others have alerted me to this Carla Kelly cover, and it’s prompted me to ask for your opinion:

Not a bad looking cover - except that the hero has a hook for his left hand. He lost his hand in an accident at war and while it doesn’t bother the heroine in the least, it’s a part of the story in a big way. That there, as Kay pointed out, is his left hand. It’s not even a plot twist - it’s in the third paragraph of chapter one!

Bright stared at his rapidly cooling cup of tea, and began to chalk up his defects. He did not think of forty-five as old, particularly since he had all of his hair, close cut though it was; all of his teeth minus one lost on the Barbary cost; and most of his parts. He had compensated nicely for the loss of his left hand with a hook, and he knew he hadn’t waved it about overmuch during his recent interview with Miss Batchthorpe. He had worn the silver one, which Starkey had polished to a fare-thee-well before his excursion into… read more »