Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Chick Lit Fallout

Based on the many recommendations and the word of people who have read a lot more chick lit than I have, I now realize that there are plenty of chick lit novels out there that don’t feature stupid, broke-ass conspicuous consumer heroines. I gladly concede that I was talking out of my ass on that issue, and that I just had a streak of bad luck in my initial choice of chick lit reads. (And hey, like I said, it took me SIX YEARS before I found a romance novel I loved.) Thanks to all of you who recommended lists of books for me to try, by the way. My TBR shelves, on the other hand, are cussing you out soundly—seriously, they’re even calling your MOTHER names, that’s how rude they are—for consigning them to carry even more weight. (And speaking of my TBR shelves: I just noticed the other day that they’re actually curving from the weight of the books. What the hell?!? My shelves are now medium-density fiberboard versions of Deenie, only without the masturbation and… wait, it does hold books featuring masturbation. Help, the ghost of a Judy Blume novel has possessed my bookshelves!)

One thing, though:… read more »

Ask Bitches, Get Bitchy Answers!

Hey, readers! We’re finally getting off our asses and making an About Us page and an FAQ page. This is your chance to ask all the burning questions that have been eating you up about Sarah, Candy and the site. (That other burning? You need some miconazole cream for that, hon, nothing we can do for you here.) Answers are not guaranteed to be honest (I mean, c’mon, as if we’d answer honestly if you asked us ‘What’s your mother’s maiden name?’ and ‘What are the last four digits of your SSN?’) but they WILL be amusing. And feel free to go nuts. Ask us some real off-the-wall questions. We’ll answer them. Honest. (Or not.)

Here are some sample questions to kick start the inquisition:

Aside from ID and a book to read, what is one thing you won’t leave home without?

Are you guys smiley Nazis, or what? What’s with your hatred of the LOL? And animated GIFs?

Leave your inquiries in the comments, and we’ll answer and categorize accordingly. And, if there’s something about the site you think we ought to… read more »

Smart Bitch Pimpin’

Candy gave me the nudge to self-pimp: my Romancing the Blog post is up. How to break up with books, when one is moving. *sigh* My shelves are SO bare.

Why I Don’t Get Chick Lit

Disclaimer: This is not a slam on the genre, it’s just my personal take on things, and no, I haven’t read REALLY extensively in it so feel free to let me know when I’m talking entirely out of my ass and recommend titles to me that won’t get my panties in a bunch.

(Addendum: Disclaimer is now in bold because people seemed to be skipping right past the poor thing and latching onto selective bits of the rant, and it was starting to pine from neglect and lack of attention.)

(Addendum, part deux: Before you defenders of chick lit get your knickers in a twist, please read this follow-up after you read this post. If you want to link to this entry as Yet Another Heinous Attack on Chick Lit [hey, did you read that disclaimer first? just wondering], be fair and link to the other one, too.)

Right. Chick lit. I don’t HATE it (then again, I don’t hate any specific genre of writing, unless you count Jack Chick tracts as a specific genre of especially bad fiction), but I have to say I don’t really get it. I tried reading Bridget Jones’ Diary when it first came… read more »

Blackbird by Grace Draven

Candy:

OK, first of all? This novella is marketed as historical erotica by its publisher, Amber Quill Press. The reality? I’ve read hotter, more detailed love scenes in short stories from mainstream anthologies. I was expecting nookie—oceans and rivers and fountains of it—and instead found one four-page love scene in 54 pages of story. It’s even a pretty standard in-out, in-out scene, though BONUS! A bodice (OK, chemise) does get ripped. Somewhat unfairly, this impacted my opinion of the book, and really, this is not necessarily Draven’s fault. It’s:

1. The publisher’s fault, for labeling the novella inaccurately; and

2. My fault, for being a smut-hungry hussy who feels cranky when she expects copious scenes of inventive sexx0r, only to be denied.

And second of all: this is not a complete story unto itself. There are many, many loose ends (including the love story and HEA) that Draven will wrap up in a sequel. Again, an indication that this is the first installment in a series on the publisher’s part would’ve been good.

The story features a pretty standard Wrongly Accused Hero plot. Colin Wyndham is the illegitimate son of the Earl of Montcleve, and when right on the… read more »

More Recommendations from our Erudite Readers!

Top of the Monday to you. At this hour, only the east coasters and our fabulous Europeans are up and writing, so it’s time for another edition of “Good Shit vs. Shit to Avoid,” where we throw out a genre type and you recommend reading material for that there style of romance. Not that we’re avoiding the west coasters, since this will be up until Candy wakes up and something romance-related burns her toast. Me, I’m too tired from getting ready to move to get worked up about anything. 

Last time, we did Paranormal: Vampire Romance, so today I thought I’d mix it up and ask for your knowledgeable recommendations for Contemporary Romance: Military/Police/Law Enforcement. All you CSI, NCIS, and Brockmann addicts out there, what regimented authority do you like your heros and heroines to work within, and possibly struggle against?

Covers Gone Lindsey, Part Last

The Magic of You

Sarah: The magic here is: how did the same cover models for Gentle Rogue get hired for another seafaring cover and STILL manage to look equally ridiculous?

What’s with the eyeshadow? Doesn’t that belt pinch? Where’s his shirt? What’s with the garter-showing pose, sans garter? And why is she in her undergarments while standing on what looks like a floating plank in a large storm at sea, with a ship coming apart behind her? And is he holding her up, or casting her overboard?

But by far the most pressing (har) question: DOES HE HAVE…CAMEL TOE?!

Ya’ll. Fabio is a GIRL.

Candy: Sarah, can I just say how very, very much it frightens me that you actually looked closely enough at the cover to discern the camel toe? I admire your bravery, while simultaneously hoping that Baby Bitchlette has not suffered any damage in utero.

Anyway: PEOPLE. Just because you’re stuck in the middle of a ship… read more »

Another Chance to be a Bitchâ„¢ Winner!

The votes have been tallied, and the winner of our Another Chance to be a Bitchâ„¢ contest is…. (Fabio steps up to timpanum and starts vigorous drumroll, man-hooters jiggling hypnotically)

Selah March, for entry number 8! A truly magnificient two-faced piece of writing, and in these here parts, we heartily approve of the phrase “sucks ass” wherever it may be found (unless used in relation to us).

Other contestants who gave Selah a real run for the money include Alison S for entry number 2 (the romp with Caligula’s stallion and slaves speaking Ebonics apparently brought a tear to many an eye), and Bonnie for entry number 11 (people had a hard time resisting The Swollen Stallion, which warms the cockles of my heart while simulatenously terrfying them).

So congratulations to Selah, and many, many thanks to everyone who participated and voted. Without y’all, this site wouldn’t be nearly as fun. Selah, you will be e-mailed soon with details on Guest Bitchery. And! We Smarty Bitchypoos now dub thee:

And and AND! Please pick three books from the following list, and e-mail your choices and mailing address to… read more »

Romance gets Organic Props

In the June 2005 issue of Organic Style there’s an article urging women to take more moments of pleasure for themselves (no, not that kind of pleasure. Put that erotica novel down!).

#13: Read a Romance Novel: See what all the fuss is about - all the eye-rolling disapproval and the secret enjoyment experienced by millions of women. Savor [every] delicious minute!

How excellent! Of course, we here at SBTB are not at all secret about our enjoyment, though we do plenty of eye-rolling at the bad ones and the dreadful beefcake clinch covers. But to be told to use romance novels as an indulgence for women akin to going on a picnic (#12), playing outside (#7), or going for an aimless walk (#1) - probably not a bad thing. Romance novels are certainly an indulgence for me a good part of the time.

Wish the writer has been able to keep the “eye-rolling” to a minimum though.

Coronation Ceremony for CW!

CW, for thine most excellent work in guessing the correct answer in today’s Guess That Lonely Heart contest, the Smart Bitches dub thee:

Tag - we are SO it!

We got tagged by Lynn to answer a meme. About books. And our personal opinions.

Gosh this is going to be SO hard. Candy? Me? Talk about books we like?

*sigh* We suppose we could do it.

A Killer Cook

Another Friday! Another personal ad contest! Be the first to guess the correct book, character name and author, receive your custom Smart Bitches title (Sarah came up with some doozies, let me tell you) and lord it over your obviously inferior title-less friends and enemies.

A KILLER COOK

SWF, excellent cook, looking for tall, dark, handsome and possibly insane aristocrat responsible for the deaths of my family in the Terror and my short stint as a prostitute. Could you be the one? If you are, do try the soup—it’s delicious.

Link Whore Part XVI: The Link Whore RETURNS

Ummm, personal ad contest is set to post at 12:05 p.m. And I got nothing much to say this morning because I have some way, way overdue crap to ponder and work on (including a couple of reviews—White Raven, apologies for what a slack-ass beeeyotch I’ve been about your review). So instead, I invite you to read Keishon’s most excellent “As The Covers Turn.”

Seriously, go check it out. Funny, funny shit.

Erotica = Literature, Romance = Formula. GOT THAT?

Hey, remember my quick drive-by bitching about the accusation by Susie Bright that romances = formula, erotica = literary? Maili provided me with a link to her blog, where she goes into even greater detail on why this is so, peeving me even more in the process.

Cutting and pasting commencing NOW!

Another Chance to be a Bitchâ„¢! Contest Entries

OK, y’all, here are the entries for the Another Chance to be a Bitchâ„¢! contest we started last week. Please e-mail all votes to either .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) or .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) by Saturday, May 21. Each person can vote for one eligible entry. I also included the ineligible entries we received because they’re pretty damn funny, but you can’t vote for them, alas. The winner will be announced Sunday.

Ready… Get set… BITCH!

Entry No. 1
It is heartbreaking to think that work this bad has actually been published. This book is drivel, from start (where the auburn heroine becomes the bride of a Sioux warrior) to finish (where they are seen staggering away from a tornado). You don’t need to be a genius to realise that every scene is garbage.

Entry No. 2
This book is a fantastic example of an inexperienced author trying too hard. To set a romance in Ancient Rome was unusual: to have dialogue in Latin was idiotic. It was not witty to make the Nubian slaves speak Ebonic, and the romp involving the heroine, three centurions and Caligula’s horse was, frankly, revolting.

Entry No. 3
Although there is a heap of… read more »