B+
Genre: Nonfiction
I’m a semi-regular listener to the Happier podcast, hosted by Gretchen Rubin and her sister, Elizabeth Craft, so I’ve known for awhile this book was coming. I also, over this past summer, read Better Than Before ( A | BN | K | G | AB ), Rubin’s previous book which introduced the Four Tendencies. That book focused on habit building and reasons why it’s sometimes easy to stick to new habits, and other times so difficult to keep or restart a habit.
The Four Tendencies are Rubin’s rubric to outline how individuals respond to internal and external expectations:
- Upholders respond to inner and outer expectations equally, and have no trouble, to use Rubin’s most common example, keeping New Year’s resolutions. They also feel anxiety when the schedule is interrupted, or there is no schedule, or if expectations are not clear.
- Questioners respond to inner expectations once they have a satisfactory reason why that expectation should be met. They react poorly to being told that the reason is “because I said so,” or “we always do it this way.”
- Obligers respond to external expectations easily, but do not meet inner expectations nearly as well. Self motivation without external deadlines and accountability frustrate obligers: New Year’s resolutions without external accountability are very difficult, for example.
- Rebels do not respond to inner or external expectations, and value freedom of choice and absence of expectations. They can refuse to do something that they want to do, once it becomes expected of them.
Or, to use the phrases in the book from each section:
- Upholder: “Discipline is my freedom”
- Questioner: “I’ll comply – if you convince me why.”
- Obliger: “You can count on me, and I’m counting on you to count on me.”
- Rebel: “You can’t make me, and neither can I.”
After one episode of the Happier podcast referenced the Four Tendencies quiz, I took it, and…mind blown. I had my husband take the Tendencies quiz, which then caused us to discuss for several long dog walks how and why we fit our respective tendencies (I’m a Questioner, and Adam is an Upholder). We also wonder which the tendencies of our two sons might be – they’re too young to take the quiz as they are minors, but the quiz also has questions that don’t translate well to children. The quiz and the accompanying materials changed the way I understand myself and how I can best motivate myself – and gave me insights on how to be a more understanding spouse, and a better parent.
The book The Four Tendencies is an expansion on the quiz and the work in Better Than Before, and features a deeper look at each tendency, the ways in which the tendencies work well (or don’t work well) together, and methods to best motivate people once their tendency is clear. I could not stop talking about this book once I read it (and I made a rather unholy noise when I opened the package, as I was not expecting to receive an ARC). I’ve recommended it several times, especially at RWA, and people to whom I’ve given the quiz link have been as curious as I was.
There are sections that help you identify which is your Tendency, and then sections that take a closer look at each one, with one chapter focused on “Understanding” and the next examining how to “deal with” that Tendency. It was fascinating to not only identify my spouse’s habits and anxieties alongside my own, but also to figure out better ways to communicate (which is key because we are both over-communicators). I also found the section on Rebels very helpful, as it’s the Tendency that most baffles me.
That said, the chapters are not as balanced as I would like – I wanted more variations on strategy for living and working with Rebel personalities, for example. In terms of helping me motivate myself – and my kids based on my potential identification of their tendency – it’s been invaluable. I also recommend reading one section, then taking a break to absorb it. I read the whole thing cover to cover on a plane ride, and have gone back to re-read sections so they made more of an impression on my (terrible) memory. By far the most helpful chapter has been, Speaking Effectively to Each Tendency. I’ve been better able to explain and encourage people by switching how I talk, and I’ve been able to ask others questions about what accountability works best for them without feeling like I’m prying or being intrusive and rude.
A side note: I’ve also come to notice my own Questioner tendency in my reaction to different books, and in how I review them. For example, if characters act in opposition to their values, and the answer to my question of, ‘Why the hell did you do that?” isn’t obvious beyond “because the plot requires it,” I lose interest. This may be why insta-love doesn’t work for me. WHY do you feel that way all of a sudden? “Because…we do?” Nope. Nope. Nope. If the book can make me believe in the “why” of the HEA, I’m much more likely to enjoy it.
I recommend reading Better Than Before and this book – both of which should be available in your local library. Self-motivation is difficult, but this framework along with the two books, helped me identify a number of methods that work really well for me. Moreover, I think I’m better able to adapt how I communicate with different people, and what methods I use to motivate and create accountability with my children, too.
If you’re curious about your own habit formation, what motivates you, and how to work with your own tendency, you should definitely take the quiz and check out the book. It would likely be an insightful read. Identifying your Tendency can give you a lot of freedom and reduce your stress levels in how you deal with yourself. If you read it, or you take the quiz, please let me know which Tendency you are – and if you agree!
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I think taking the quiz without knowing the 4 types might be slightly more effective, since the answers to the first few questions seem to map directly to the types, and I had to fight the urge to answer in accordance with what I believed my type to be. (One reason for that struggle was that often NONE of the four answers resonated with my behavior — such as the New Year’s resolution one, where I continually make resolutions, not waiting for the new year because it is an arbitrary date, but I almost never keep them. So, basically, a mix of two of the answers offered.)
Anyway, I expected to come back an Obliger (because the only time I keep the behaviors where I want to see the most change — exercising and housekeeping — is when I’m meeting external expectations), so I was shocked to come back a Rebel. The label sounds so much cooler than “obliger,” but the mentality of “You can’t make me, and neither can I” is not. Yay for being selfish and undisciplined.
Can I tie it to my romance reading? Only in the sense that I like what I like and refuse to defend it, which covers the genre as a whole but also tropes that have gone out of favor with modern readers but continue to resonate with me.
I’d read Better Than Before previously and thought it tied in with some stuff I’d previously read about habit formation. I liked how she tied it to specific items and it explained why some things I am better at going cold turkey and other ones I moderate with no problem.
So not a major surprise I came back a Questioner. I am very good at meeting whatever fool obligations other people set, as long as I understand them. Mostly.
@Deborah: I agree that taking the quiz without a lot of prior information can be most illuminating. I have tried to give the quiz to my older son by rephrasing questions so that they apply to him, but I was 90% sure I knew he was an Upholder. My younger son remains a mystery – a lovely mystery but a mystery. I suspect he’s a Rebel or a Questioner.
But I also feel like I owe you an apology. The “You can’t make me and neither can I” language comes from the book, but I don’t think Rebels are inherently selfish. I think, based on my own interpretation, that Rebels value freedom and choice, and the absence of expectations and rules. Also – one of the aspects of the book I didn’t touch on is how each tendency overlaps a little with two others, so you can be a Rebel with Questioner tendencies, or a Rebel with Upholder tendencies – which you might be.
Either way, if the quiz and the result made you feel bad, I’m really sorry. (Also uncaffeinated so I may not be making the most sense right at this moment.)
Ugh, I’m a rebel and I don’t wanna to be. Which is such a rebel thing you say. I know I’m definitely not an upholder, though. That’s the type I struggle most to understand.
I personally feel more like a questioner or a burnt out obliger.
Thanks for covering the book. I’ve been following Gretchen Rubin for a long time and I did wonder if the new book was worth it. But I could definitely use shine strategies for dealing with my rebellious self.
@SB Sarah: no apology necessary! I was just reflecting on how a label that might seem sexy (at least to my inner teenager) masks some very unsexy characteristics. (I find Upholder characteristics sexy. Reliable! Self-motivated! Adult!) I could have easily focused on the positive aspect of being a rebel on this compass. According to the quiz results, “Rebels resist habits, but they can embrace habit-like behaviors by tying their actions to their choices and their identity.” I read that as rebels preferring to behave in a way they find authentic and aligned with their values, rather than performing tasks arbitrarily.
Thanks also for explaining the potential for overlapping tendencies, but I think (if the graphic that accompanies the quiz results illustrates this concept), the authors don’t consider it possible to be a rebel-upholder. No intersection there.
I’ve been a big Gretchen Rubin fan for a while, but have always struggled with where I fall on the scale. Most people would consider me an Upholder type because I’m super organized and dependable, so that’s where I thought I fell, but I think I may actually be a Rebel who decided a long time ago that it was important to me to be dependable and easier in the long run to be organized and neat, so I’m really good at it. But through my freshman year of college, I was a disorganized slob.
I love quizzes! I almost never feel like they give me an option that matches up with my actual response, and being limited to the existing choices is such a fascinating puzzle.
I am an upholder, and there’s definitely some upholder/rebel overlap. I rarely have difficulty sticking to the plan, but if I can’t motivate myself, I definitely can’t, and neither can you. But this is for the best (I hope) because while responsibility and reliability can be highly desirable outcomes of being good at following the rules, otoh there’s fascism, so…fuck that.
I suppose upholderism is reflected in my reading choices! Probably my favorite thing about romances is the patterns. I love the structure of genre conventions. I think being able to express yourself within a tight framework is ultimately more satisfying than when there are no prescribed limits (e.g. a sonnet v free verse, or ballet v modern, although obvs all of it is impressive).
I’m an obliger – not surprising at all since I’m a total people-pleaser. I think my career choice (teaching) is a natural extension of my need to please others. Just yesterday, I learned that my dept. chair warned my colleagues not to ask me for any favors this term. I know he feels he is trying to protect me from myself, but it left me feeling a bit bereft. Thank you for the book review – I’m not familiar with Rubin’s work, and will have to check it out.
Curious about something I saw in my email about this book. It says the category is “GLBTRomanceErotica/Erotic Romance” which puzzles me.
The library doesn’t have this book yet but I am 24th inline for it.
The quiz revealed that I’m a questioner, which is something that doesn’t surprise me. From the free report that I was offered, I think I’m a questioner with upholder tendencies.
The quiz says I’m an Obliger–no surprise–but I also have Upholder tendencies. I’m curious about how my hubby and kids would come out. I suspect that my daughter (age 14) is like me, but my son may be a Rebel. Hubby may be a Questioner. Makes for an interesting household!
As I expected, I’m a Questioner (I didn’t go farther but I probably have a little bit of Upholder). My partner tells me to do something and doesn’t like it when I ask “why” or “why do it that way instead of another way” but I trust my brain and I know I need to agree with his, or anybody’s, directive before I accept it (unless it’s something I don’t get to agree with but have to accept, like having to go to work every day or political results).
My very favorite part of my results page was this statement (even though I didn’t really question the results):
If you’re thinking, “Well, right now I question the validity of the Four Tendencies framework,” yep, you’re probably a Questioner!
Hopefully my library has these books. And I really like that ya’ll keep the “smart” in your name and I am constantly exposed to things, even though they’re not romance, that I might otherwise not see (so, thanks).
I kinda hate this kind of thing as it leaves people vulnerable. So the book identifies four personality types and seems to cast one in a negative light.
All of these can be good. It talks all about meeting expectations, but what if the expectations of others are damaging and/or toxic? (I’m a questioner too).
Hopefully the book goes into the different strengths and weaknesses of each type better and sounds a little more positive.
I’m not Jewish, but I was reading about Jewish culture and it reminds me of Passover/Haggadoth.
I’ve been a pure Questioner all my life. It’s something people comment on fairly regularly, actually. Either they’re thanking me for speaking up since they were wondering the same thing (which is lovely) or they perceive my questions as personal attacks (which is awful).
Unfortunately it’s hard for me to tell ahead of time who is who — it’s only when people react in some strong way that I realize whether I’ve helped someone or inadvertently offended them.
The good news is that I have some amazing friends and work colleagues who understand how I roll and know they can absolutely count on me for informed, confident decision-making. The bad news is that I have soured new friendships and working relationships without even realizing it — just by being me.
Over the years I’ve learned to restrain myself a little, which has helped. But I have found that it is very nearly impossible to suppress my core inquisitive nature long-term.
If this book can help smooth things out a bit more, I’m all for it.
@Karen H: Thank you! I appreciate that! Generally I figure that if I’m super into something, someone else will be, too, but it’s a really lovely feeling to know you liked this review. So thank you much!