Valerian
by Pierre Christin, (based on the comic book series "Valerian and Laureline" by), Jean-Claude Mézières (based on the comic book series "Valerian and Laureline" by), and Luc Besson (screenplay)
EuropaCorp
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets is bad.
It is so bad that it made me actually angry.
It is so bad that I got bored and would have left were it not for my viewing companion who insists on never leaving a movie. Never have I been presented with something so visually enticing that is also so very, very boring.
When my husband came home and asked me what the movie is about, I told him that despite having spent two hours and seventeen minutes watching it I was not sure how to answer that question. I shall try to answer it for you, Dear Bitches, because that is My Job.
Valerian is loosely based on a comic book series called Valerian and Laureline, which is full of fun, humor, and excitement and, unlike this movie, totally devoid of workplace sexual harassment. In the movie, Valerian and Laureline are agents for some human military organization. They do daring things for reasons that are unclear. Eventually they have to save a group of pearlescent humanoids (whom I hereby name The Pearl People) whose planet was destroyed by an Evil Military. The plot is sort of like Avatar, only less subtle in its message (image that for a moment) — not that a message of “It’s wrong to commit genocide” is a bad message. It’s just obvious. Along the way there are a million tangents, none of which make any sense.
I truly thought that all I required from this movie was that it be pretty, but it turns out that I have to be able to care about someone or something in the movie to be entertained. Valerian is being compared to The Fifth Element and to Jupiter Ascending, two brilliantly beautiful movies that were as otherwise as dumb as a bag of hair.
However, The Fifth Element had the criminally underrated Milla Jovovich as Leeloo, a character who was both funny, a little scary, and incredibly endearing, and it had funny, memorable moments that have made it a long-term favorite.
Note: At this point, my dear friend Heather, who copy edits my posts, stepped in to say, “What? The Fifth Element wasn’t dumb – it was AWESOME. It was complex. It had MOOL-TI-PASS. It’s one of my favorite movies.” Discuss amongst yourselves.
Meanwhile, Jupiter Ascending was, empirically speaking, a terrible movie, but the actors hurled themselves into it with so much energy that it was fun. Of course mileage will vary here, but Mila Kunis attacking cleaning toilets and shooting bad guys with equal verve made the movie so bad it was wonderful.
In this movie there’s nothing to care about, although I was fond of The Pearl People because they seemed to be nice to each other. Valerian is supposed to be a rogue who later has a conflict where he’s all, “I’m a soldier and I follow orders” which…what? Since when? He’s supposed to be charming but alas he is not. He’s supposed to be hiding vulnerabilities but he must be hiding them pretty damn well. He’s not a brooding bad boy or a charming rogue. He’s just a very bland jerk.
Laureline seems to be going for deadpan but it just comes off as kind of dead. The bits that are clearly supposed to funny aren’t. There’s no excitement because there’s no reason to care about the outcome. It’s a romance, but the stars have no chemistry, not to mention the fact that Valerian basically sexually harasses Laureline all the time.
Fun fact: The Pearl People are introduced in an idyllic scene in which a character wakes up, pets her adorable pet, goes outside to the beach, and twirls around like a Disney Princess. My daughter leaned over and whispered, “If she starts singing, I swear to God…” Sadly, she did not sing, she just wafts about emanating “I’M SO HAPPY I’M CLEARLY DOOMED” signals.
The only people in this movie that seem to be having a great time are Ethan Hawke and Rihanna. Rihanna does a whole pole dance thing during which we can contemplate how hot she is (empirically speaking – very hot) but given that Rihanna is playing a sex slave named Bubbles, what the fucking hell with the sexy dance, people? Also, in the future, are we really going to have the exact same sexy nurse and sexy schoolgirl fetish outfits that you can buy today around Halloween? SEX SLAVERY IS NOT SEXY. It will shock no one to hear that Bubbles, who describes herself as an illegal immigrant, makes an epic sacrifice so that Valerian can get in touch with his feelings.
This is a movie in which a character has to stick a giant jellyfish onto her head for Reasons and is subsequently kidnapped by rainbow butterflies. You guys know I love shit like that, right? There’s a pirate named Bob who has a submarine. There are killer robots. The fact that someone put all this money and time and passion into a project which includes all these wonderful elements and then somehow made it boring enrages me. I feel personally offended.
I’m going to give this movie a total pass on the basic laws of physics and astronomy and biology, but I still have questions. For starters, why must Laureline’s boobs, whether in a bikini top or in the stupidest armor ever, constantly be in the center of the screen (compare to how women’s faces are in the center of the screen in Mad Max: Fury Road). Why are two agents who are supposed to be great at working with aliens so fucking racist all the time? Why does everyone, even CGI characters, seem slightly sedated? Why aren’t Valerian and Laureline even a little bit upset that their colleagues are eaten by a giant space dog?
Here’s my advice. Save your two hours. Time is precious. Watch the teaser trailer, which is incredible and also short. Look at images online. Check out a behind-the-scenes art book. Read the comics. Also, if you can, watch the opening of the movie, which takes the viewer through the early days of space exploration by humans to the time period in which Valerian is set. This sequence is simple, yet cleverly done, and truly moving. It also manages to convey a lot of information simply. If only the rest of the movie had accomplished the same.
Valerian is in theaters now. Tickets (US) are available at Fandango and Moviefone.
Saw with hub. We agree that beginning sequence ( with Rutger Hauer!) was best part and that the romance was the worst part.
“The plot is sort of like Avatar, only less subtle in its message.”
Sweet merciful Jesus. Exactly what I was afraid of, yet didn’t think possible.
I’m still considering, however. The beauty of it might not be sufficient, but it’s there anyway.
Heather is right. In addition to mooltipass, The Fifth Element has Chris Tucker as the inimitable RUUUuuuUUUby Rhod. I own five DVDs (not one, not two, not three, but FIVE) for instant comfort access, and that is one of them. I will hear no hateration in this dancerie.
I saw the trailer and my husband told me about the comic books, which sound great. But as soon as I saw that they left Laureline out of the movie title I had an inkling it might be bad. Isn’t she a main character? It doesn’t help that I find Cara Delevigne extremely bland. Your review made me smile, especially the Avatar comparison.
I enjoyed watching the 5th element (visuals, crackpot plot and all) but a during a recent watch all I could focus on was the sexism and misogyny throughout,so its very mood dependent for me.
@Ren: The Fifth Element was one of my husband’s favourites and he loved mooltipass. I liked the bIue alien with the operatic voice. It was great fun the first couple of times, but 5 DVDs seems a mite excessive. 🙂
@Ren: Ahh. You don’t mean 5 copies of this, do you? 🙂
@Hazel: Five different movies, not five copies of The Fifth Element! 😀 That WOULD be excessive.
Carrie, I agree! I fucking hated this movie. I saw it with my Dad and sister. He left about halfway through to go to the bathroom and never came back. My sister and I made it about 2/3 of the way through and finally left. It was the worst, most boring ass movie I have ever seen. Sis demanded a refund from the manager and got it. Horrible waste of time.
@Shanna: Getting a refund from the theatre manager is something I would never think of doing, however bad the movie is, since no one forced me to see it. But then it depends on how much you paid for it.
From the moment they introduced Valerian I thought to myself, “he’s a douche canoe” and it never really got better from there
@Ren I also assumed you had five copies of The Fifth Element.
This movie has one of the worst trailers I’ve seen lately. It’s from the visionary director of The Fifth Element, and Lucy. Who’s Lucy?
Great Review!
Mr. A. and I quote 5th Element to each other all the time. “Mooltipass”; “Korben baby”; “Negative, I am a meat popsicle”. I bought the soundtrack, I love it so much. Chris Tucker. Jean Paul Gaultier did the costumes so you know they were always going to be bananas and Chris rocks them like he was born in them.
Oh help, I’ve just realized that movie is 20 years old.
Hub and I watched Girls Trip this weekend. Much happier use of our time.
I loooooooved Jupiter Ascending. Agree that it was objectively terrible (in the same way that Star Wars was objectively terrible) but it was subjectively fantastic.
I also loved Jupiter Ascending. I’d hoped I might feel the same way about this.
I saw this with friends this week, but couldn’t express what was wrong with it other than it felt a little boring under all the pretty visuals. Your review actually brought up a lot of my feelings about it. The movie was boring, and I didn’t root for the main characters and they were inconsistent in their actions. Thank you for this review.
I totally feel your anger. How dare anyone make something like “a character has to stick a giant jellyfish onto her head for Reasons and is subsequently kidnapped by rainbow butterflies” boring?
Seems the main problem is a total dissonance between cast and film. Both “The Fifth Element” and “Jupiter Ascending” had everything dialled up to 11: cast, setting, costumes, words*. There’s a joy and an element of fun that’s clearly is missing here.
Because, as far as romance, plausibility, common sense, plot coherence or dialogue, neither “The Fifth Element” or “Jupiter Ascending” is ever gonna qualify as a good movie.
Thanks for saving me the money. I will eventually watch it on Netflix (because pretty) and try to see if the MST3K treatment might make it watchable.
I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who thought Ren had 5 copies of The Fifth Element stashed in various locations! That said, it IS a great movie.
Please stop using ’empirically’, you obviously don’t know what it means.
I loved the intro, and the explanation for the city of a thousand planets. Though I definitely agree with you on the characters. Most of them were vary blah.
I basically can’t with Luc Besson. I find his use of the male gaze in everything to just be exhausting. I don’t like The Fifth Element for that (and the fact that my brother had it on the tv for something like 8 months straight and I am so done.) But he really has an issue with basically coming up with ridiculous ways and reasons to sexualize his female characters. Leeloo was complex in some ways, but was there a reason that she had to wear stupid white bandages and be ogled by all the male scientists, and basically every guy in the movie? Thanks, but I’ll pass.
Going on record here that I love The Fifth Element and will watch it at every opportunity. Although maybe not if I have an opportunity to watch Richard Dean Anderson with whom I have been in luuuurrrrvvvveeeee ever since I saw the very first promo of MacGyver, which is not only a clue to my age but a sad commentary on how much TV I watched back then.
When I saw the title of the movie I was excited because, for some reason, I love the name “Valerian” and what’s not to get excited about 1000 planets?
However, I had never heard of this movie and as I no longer watch TV, I haven’t seen any trailers. Which might have been a clue about how bad it is.
The spouse and I were so excited for this one as we had the best time seeing Jupiter Ascending (Channing Tatum as a wolf man on rocket boots! space orgies! Eddie Redmayne doing his best parody of an evil person!). But Valerian was bad in a not fun way. The racism was never ending, I couldn’t care less about the character Valerian (or as Glen Wheldon called him “a charisma blackhole”), and we spent all that time following the most uninteresting characters who were working for the bad guys for no reason. I spent the first hour after the film ranting about why would the princess choose that sexist, racist, dim witted, not at all useful or skilled jerk, Valerian, to inhabit or help or whatever. blergh.
Everyone, stay home and just watch Jupiter Ascending. That’s what I wished I had done instead of seeing this bland garbage pile.
Carrie, thanks for saving me from this one. I still haven’t seem Jupiter Ascending, but I will someday. This movie? Not so much.
Ah, the Fifth Element. It is so much fun, and so beautiful. The pacing, the music, the acting. I hate hate hate the sexism and extreme objectification of Leeloo, and the sexist tropes, but I shove those screaming voices into a corner of my mind (where they can all commiserate and grumble) so I can enjoy the ride.
Also, what are the ages of Dr Moon and Douchebro supposed to be? They look like goddamn teenagers, but the actress was in Suicide Squad and looked much older there.
I saw the full-length trailer for “Valerian” in theatres and thought “those two look terribly boring” so I’m glad to have my suspicions validated. No intention of seeing this, it just looks loud and stupid.
However, I LOVE “The Fifth Element” and will stand by it. From my point of view, the best part of Milla Jovovich in that character is that everyone around her has their tongues hanging out and she is completely oblivious to it. She doesn’t give the smallest shit about anything except her mission, right up to the point where her heart is breaking and Korben has to step in and let her know she is loved, and what that feels like.
There IS no romance in T5E, there is only Korben getting hit with “wow she is so perfect I will gladly risk ruining my life for her, no matter what she thinks of me,” much like Robert Forster in “Jackie Brown.”
@chacha1 wrote”There IS no romance in T5E, there is only Korben getting hit with “wow she is so perfect I will gladly risk ruining my life for her, no matter what she thinks of me,”
You don’t think they are getting in on in that tube at the end??
I didn’t take your advice and went to see it anyway. Well, that will teach me.
The most amazing thing is that they somehow managed to go much more racist and sexist than the 1975 original. Seriously: several moments where Valerian displays his epic heroism in the film originally starred Laureline. Also Bubbles was a sexy Greek god, and not illegal or exploited (in the original book, these shapeshifting alien creatures run their own brothel). Also the story didn’t open with a string of aliens meeting the human commanders of the station who all happen to be male and white in the film (28th century, anyone?).
Next time I’ll stick with reading French comic books.
@Gloriamarie – belated reply – yes, but that’s at the END. In a typical action movie, the kind I will readily accept as male-gazey, the hero gets his hands on the heroine very very early on and the whole rest of the story is WHEN not IF. In T5E he tries to kiss her and she proposes to shoot him in the head. From there on out he still wants to kiss her but he totally backs off and helps her do what she’s there to do. She’s not there to be a love interest. She’s there to save the world.
In T5E it could just as well have gone as: Korben snaps her out of her “humans are not worth saving” death spiral of woe, they finish the work, and that’s pretty much it. Get your medals and go your separate ways.
I think the clinch ending was there, and (for me at least) satisfying, because the relationship is actually a relationship that develops. They’ve both earned a happy ending. So yes, it is a love story, but still not (IMO) a romance, because the story wasn’t about them getting together. 🙂
Best. Review. Ever.
Thank you for saving me $12. I had a feeling it was a pooper but appreciate this review so much!!