Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–Episode 5: Pray for my Liver

It’s Monday night, the night when I get drunk on Kraken rum and watch The Bachelorette for your entertainment.

This week we have a two-hour episode on Monday, and a two-hour episode on Tuesday.

Pray for my liver.

Is anyone out there a doctor? Because I’m really going to need a note for work on Wednesday.

Boss: “Elyse, why are you in pajama bottoms and is that a tortilla chip in your hair?”

Me:

Anyway, last week a bunch of guys were jerks, everyone fought with each other, and Rachel broke down crying because of the shittiness of the group. Iggy tattled on everyone. Lee revealed himself to be the missing Malfoy child. Kenny was accused by Lee of being aggressive.

Dean and Peter stood out by not engaging in the bullshit.

We also need to take a moment to talk about Lee’s hair. There’s no justification for his bouffant or the amount of gel that he needs to achieve it. My working theory is that he’s smuggling exotic birds up there.

Anyway, on with the show!

We’re back on Hilton Head Island, SC. Kenny has approached Lee to confront him because Lee told Rachel that Kenny was aggressive toward him.

Now let’s take a moment to call that statement out for what it is: coded racism.

Last week pretty much all of the men were shouting at each other during an epic blow up. No one got physical and there was no indication that anyone would. Multiple people shouted at Lee because Lee is a raging asshole.

Lee only accuses Kenny of being aggressive.

Coincidentally Kenny is a large Black man.

Rewatching clips from last week, it’s apparent that Kenny was never going to get physical with Lee. He was feet away from Lee when they argued, and while voices were raised, both had relaxed body posture.

By accusing Kenny of being aggressive, Lee puts Kenny in an untenable position. If he gets mad at Lee for being a shitbag, he’s an aggressive, potentially dangerous Black man. Same if he vociferously defends himself. Now all Kenny can do is keep his cool while Lee attacks him like the cowardly little rectal pustule he is.

Very calmly, Kenny says to Lee, “You are a disingenuous snake.”

That’s pretty fucking unfair to snakes. Snakes are just eating rodents and keeping their ecosystems sound. Snakes aren’t using all the hair gel.

It’s obvious that Lee is trying to provoke an angry, potentially even violent reaction from Kenny, who refuses to engage.

I expect Rachel will immediately see through all of this

After all that nonsense, Rachel shows up and gives Bryan the group-date rose , which is interesting because I actually forgot that Bryan existed. Which one is he again?

The next day Rachel goes on a one-on-one date with Jack, who looks a lot like Bryan, which is confusing me. They take a carriage ride and then shuck and eat fresh oysters. They go dancing and Jack flirts, and it’s painful because there’s no chemistry between them. Rachel is clearly aware of it and doesn’t want to kiss him because she’s “sick.”

Cut back to the hotel. Some of the other dudes tell Lee what a shitty, racist thing calling Kenny aggressive is, and Lee gets suitably butt-hurt because Kenny “played the race card.”

He acts like he has no idea what the connotations of his comments are.

Then we go back to Rachel and Jack having dinner. Jack is trying sooooo hard to impress Rachel and she has this kind of vacant stare going on. He’s talking about how they really connected and Rachel looks like she’s thinking about The Black Panther teaser trailer. Or shampooing her carpet. Or cuddling with her dog, Copper.  Or anything other than spending time with Jack, really.

He is super oblivious to the fact that this woman has totally checked out.

Rachel comments, “Jack says ‘I just want to take you back to Dallas and just lay in bed and talk.’ That didn’t sound…great to me.”

She tells Jack that she doesn’t feel a romantic connection to him and that he won’t be getting a rose.

Jack, who was busy naming their future children, is stunned. I felt a little bad for him but also, pick up on signals dude. She didn’t want to kiss you! By this point in filming the “sick” thing is nonsense. Everyone has the same cold.

Except Lee. Lee has bird flu but only because an African Ringneck Parakeet that I’ve named Mr. Tweeters is living in his hair.

The next night (or same night? It’s all a little fuzzy here) Rachel puts on a black dress that is held together by sequined clips and makes her look like a goddamned goddess. She decides to omit the cocktail party and go straight to The Dreaded Rose Ceremony.

Cut back to the house where Peter, who is actually aware of human beings other than himself, is telling Iggy how the mens’ awful, childish behavior hurt Rachel.

I feel like right now is a good time to admit that I really want Peter to win.

1. He doesn’t engage in petty bullshit. Every time Lee is starting some shit or Eric is screaming “MY NAME IS IN YOUR MOUTH” Peter is off on his own, presumably working out the blueprints of the dream house he will build Rachel with his goddamn hands.
2. Rachel’s dog, Copper, loves Peter. Copper spent their whole flight to Palm Springs with his head in Peter’s lap, gazing adoringly at him. Dogs know. They always know.

Also when the WTFery is high, Peter adopts the Jim Halpert “is this real life” look.

Case in point:

Then it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony–the ceremony when Chris Harrison gets to drink the blood of fallen Bachelorette contenders, thereby freeing him to walk in daylight.

In a cutaway Adam (the one who had the puppet) says, “I feel like she hasn’t seen the full Adam yet. She’s had a glimpse. She’s had a snack. I want to give her the full kitchen.”

Is The Full Kitchen a sex move I don’t know about? Is it having sex while scouring the sink?

Kenny gets a rose. Peter gets a rose. Adam gets a rose.

Then we’re down to one flower.

Chris Harrison shows up to tell us we’re down to the final rose. THANKS CHRIS!

Clearly at the behest of the producers, Rachel gives the rose to Lee.

I might have thrown up in my mouth a little, but this drinking isn’t great for my GERD.

Iggy is left out. He looks physically ill. The Tickle Monster doesn’t get a rose.

“I gotta get back out there, and look for a girl who appreciates a good set of tickling,” he says.

I don’t know what that means, but it upsets me. It sounds like something that would be scrawled in blood at a crime scene, baffling detectives.

Next they all jet off to Oslo, Norway! They immediately start off with a one-on-one date with Bryan (who I forgot existed again).

They repel down a 187 foot ski jump. Because that sounds …fun.

Bryan tries to kiss her in midair. I would have been so absolutely panic-stricken at this point that I would have reflexively punched him in the face. Like a full on KO. Don’t fucking touch me when I’m dangling 187 feet in midair.

Over dinner Bryan and Rachel discuss being insecure in high school and college. Bryan tells her that previously he was afraid of commitment in relationships, but he’s matured since then. Which totally explains why he’s looking for marriage on reality TV. Because maturity.

Then he says the words, “I’m falling in love with you.”

EVERYONE TAKE A SHOT.

Despite her “cold” Rachel totally makes out with Bryan. She also gives him a rose.

Back at the hotel Lee is busy drinking the tears of children when the date card arrives.

It’s a group date with…IDK a bunch of the dudes. I’m drunk.

Regardless, Kenny and Lee aren’t in the group date which means they have a two-on-one date later.

Mr. Tweeters makes a brief appearance from Lee’s hair and gingerly accepts a pistachio from Chris Harrison.

For the group date, the dudes and Rachel learn how to play handball. Rachel describes it as a combination of football, basketball and water polo. Minus the water, I guess. It’s not the handball I played in high school gym class which involved hitting a ball with your hand and bouncing it off a wall. It makes about as much sense though and is equally appealing.

Also for reasons that boggle the mind, Dean wears his jock strap OVER his uniform.

We cut back to the hotel where Kenny Facetimes his daughter and my heart melts.

Meanwhile Lee lifts weights, polishes his cowboy boots and puts on his most douchey pair of distressed jeans. They show him reading a book about Oslo and I 100% guarantee a producer had to flip the book right-side up for him.

The two-on-one date card comes for Kenny and Lee, and includes a poem from Chris Harrison. I am not making this up:

Two men,

One rose,

One stays,

One goes.

Yes. That actually happened. I totally believe that Chris wrote it himself too. While cackling. The poem is about murder, but no one has figured it out yet. Chris prays to the Rose God.

Back to the group date. Rachel and Peter have dashed off to the hot tub where they’re gone for “three and a half hours” according to one of the dudes. I’m thinking they may actually have had sex. Just the parts that were filmed looked like they were about seconds from penetration.

Despite that, Will gets the rose. This confuses Peter because THREE AND A HALF HOURS. That’s stamina. He worked hard, okay? He didn’t carb up for that. That was all grit.

The next day it’s the two-on-one date. Lee, Kenny and Rachel take a helicopter ride out to the wilderness. They have drinks by a river. Mr Tweeters calls out to the wild birds of Norway.

Kenny and Rachel go to talk privately. Kenny tells Rachel that he loves spending time with her, but also that he feels like she’d be a great role model for his daughter. For the most part he skirts the bullshit with Lee, and focuses on the relationship he wants with Rachel.

Rachel isn’t at all blind to Kenny’s maturity and sincerity.

Then Kenny and Lee sit awkwardly alone while Rachel is (presumably) filming her cut always. A bird chirps really loudly onscreen and I yell, “Mr. Tweeters!”

My husband looks up from his book. “What?!”

Oh, lord, I’m drunk.

Then Lee and Rachel go talk alone. I’d like to point out that Lee has major There’s Something About Mary hair going on. Lee tells Rachel that Kenny had tried to “violently” pull him out of a van and that it appalled the other contestants, which is a blatant lie. Then he tells Rachel that Kenny gets violent when he drinks. Again, there is no evidence of this.

“I’m never gonna lie to you,” Lee says while lying to Rachel.

Somewhere Darth Vader is thinking that Lee is the son he wished he had.

I’d call Lee a worthless sack of shit, but shit can be used as fertilizer. He’s an oxygen thief. A waste of perfectly good hair gel.

I felt so genuinely bad for Kenny at this point. He’s being attacked, lied about, and there’s so little he can do to defend himself other than hope Rachel sees through Lee’s bullshit.

Then we get TO BE CONTINUED with clips implying that Kenny and Lee come to blows. I doubt it — the show has a vested interest in keeping anyone from getting hurt, and it’s bullshit to imply it’s going to lead to violence.

If anything, Mr. Tweeters might finally lose his shit and peck Lee to death, which I’m okay with.

Are you still watching? Who do you think should get the final rose?