Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–Episode 4: Not Here to Make Friends

After a week’s hiatus, it’s time again for the zany WTFery that is The Bachelorette.  Last week Whaboom and Blake E went home, Rachel dismissed DeMario with glorious ferocity, and Eric claimed that his name was in everyone’s mouth.

Before we go any further, I want to address the recent news regarding Bachelor in Paradise. Filming has been suspended, possibly canceled, due to an incident of misconduct that occurred between DeMario and Corinne. That’s all we know. There’s rampant speculation regarding what that misconduct was, but nothing has been confirmed. I want to say that while I enjoy all the WTFery these shows provide, I do so with the expectation that the cast is always safe and willingly participating in the process. Reality TV like this is, for me, about fun, and it is absolutely not worth the price of anyone getting hurt.

So, back to The Bachelorette. This week I’m traveling for work which means that right now I’m stone-cold sober. The next two hours will be a test of my fortitude. I will also be like 40% less funny. Sorry, y’all.

We open pre- Dreaded Rose Ceremony with Eric literally shouting “MY NAME IS IN YOUR MOUTH!” at a bunch of the other dudes, most notably Lee.

Lee gives us the season’s first, “I didn’t come here to make friends.”

Normally it would time for a slug of liquor.

Also, WTF is Lee doing to his hair? Is he smuggling parakeets in there? How much gel does he use?

He interrupts Kenny, who is having a normal adult conversation with Rachel about work and travel commitments, to present her with, I SHIT YOU NOT, a piece of wood he carved the word “Enchanted” into. For the record, he carved it with his dead grandpa’s knife. He was very specific about that.

But here’s the thing, I’m not talking about some really gorgeous whittling or anything. He just super shittily carved the word into a piece of scrap wood he found laying around. It probably had splinters and shit.  I tried to get screengrab of this crafting fail, but it was so awful it was like the camera guy was embarrassed to even keep it in frame very long.  I’m guessing it took him two minutes tops. He did not Pinterest first.

Kenny tells Lee that he’s disrespectful and they get into an argument. From somewhere else in the McMansion (I feel like it’s actually really tiny inside) Rachel looks up because she hears more shouting.

“I can’t even concentrate,” she says.

I feel like Rachel is well within in her rights to kick off her heels, walk out the door, and stop for ice cream on the way back to her hotel.

“If I’m completely honest, I’m disappointed with the guys tonight,” Rachel says. “And I don’t know how to handle it.” She gets teary-eyed, exhausted from their bullshit.

There’s a very candid moment when Rachel says that she’s under extra pressure to make good choices on the show because she’s the first Black contestant, and that the behavior of the men isn’t making her feel any better. My heart honestly hurt for her. I wanted to hug her.

Chris Harrison approaches Rachel and tells her, “Everybody is here to help you.” Then his voice gets super serious, almost chilling. “Just tell me what you want. I can facilitate anything.”

HOLY SHIT DID CHRIS HARRISON JUST OFFER TO PUT A HIT ON ONE OF THESE GUYS?

I feel like we’re just starting to plumb the depths of Harrison’s secret life.  Maybe he’s not cursed to live eternally in the McMansion. Maybe he makes blood sacrifices to stay on as host. A brutal offering to the Rose God.

They cut straight to the Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Rachel should be (but isn’t) swigging directly out of a bottle of wine.  For reasons that boggle the mind, she keeps Lee.

Up next the group goes to Hilton Head Island, SC. Free travel, baby!

The first one-one-one date goes to Dean. The pair have a picnic, spill some champagne, and then go for a ride on the Goodyear blimp.

Dean admits he’s terrified of heights and doesn’t seem super enthused. As someone who is afraid of flying, I feel his pain.

“It’s literally like riding in a bus!” Rachel tells him.

A BUS WHERE YOU HAVE TIME TO CONTEMPLATE YOUR DEATH AS YOU PLUMMET TO THE EARTH, RACHEL.

Dean chills out, no one gets airsick, and they make out for awhile.  At dinner Dean reveals that he was raised in a close-knit, very religious family. His mother died of breast cancer when he was fifteen. After her death his family fell apart, and Dean tears up as he tells Rachel about it.

It’s clear that Rachel is affected by their conversation, and she gives Dean a rose.

After dinner they go to an impromptu concert by someone named Russell Dickerson. Amazing how these concerts just pop up around The Bachelor / Bachelorette! It’s like up-and-coming singers follow them around like stray cats!

I don’t know who Russell Dickerson is, but he keeps tapping his pec while he’s singing, like “love song, love song, love song”–IMPROMPTU NIPPLE CHECK–“more singing, lalalala.”

The next day is the group date. Everyone gets on a ship and goes for a cruise. Everyone is drinking these fruity tri-color drinks, and I want one so bad. SO BAD YOU GUYS.

Lee’s hair kind of deflates in the humidity, so that made me feel better.

After the booze-cruise, Rachel surprises the dudes with a spelling bee.

FUCK. That’s not fair Rachel! I can’t spell receipt sober, let alone after a day of sun and three of those ombre cocktails.

After eating the souls of the contestants who did not get a rose, Chris Harrison is briefly able to leave the McMansion to host the spelling bee.

A group of twelve-year-old girls is helping Rachel judge. The girls are not impressed. Its obvious that a spelling competition after a day spent guzzling rum drinks doesn’t reflect well on the contestants. There’s a lot of sweating.  The parakeets inside Lee’s hair are drowning.

Kenny gets outed on the word “champagne.” Iggy loses it on “boudoir.” The final winner is Josiah, but to be fair he got words like “stunning.”

Josiah gets a shiny gold trophy and he kisses it a bunch of times.

 

They go to the Hilton Head Yacht Club for cocktails and Josiah drinks his out of his giant trophy…and promptly pours it right down the front of his pants. Good work, dude.

Peter is standing out as one of the few dudes who is actually mature and engaging. Rachel asks him if he’d leave Wisconsin, and he says that he would. I’m not saying this because I’m biased toward my home state, but there is genuine chemistry between Rachel and Peter.

During his one-on-one time with Rachel, Iggy tells Rachel that Josiah is fake. He leaves out the fact that Josiah is currently sitting in a puddle of booze because he didn’t realize drinking out of a giant trophy would lead to disaster, so that was nice of him.

Then like a minute later, Iggy tells Josiah that he just told Rachel that he’s fake. WTF. The gossiping about other contestants thing never goes well on these shows to begin with. Iggy confronting Josiah about it is just stirring the shit pot.

In a cutaway Josiah says that Iggy “shoots steroids in his nuts.”

JESUS. I hope not. That sounds painful.

Josiah also calls Iggy a bitch.

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

You don’t get to just call someone a bitch. “Bitch” is a title you earn and I’ve put in years to get mine, okay?

Rachel approaches Lee (his hair back at full-mast) about the drama going on in the house. He immediately starts rambling on about Kenny. It occurs to me at this point that she also nudged Iggy into spilling some dirt on his housemates. Holy shit, I think Rachel has a plan to see who responds to this sort of gossipy-needling and eliminate them.

DAMN GIRL.

Kenny worries that he’ll get sent home because Lee told Rachel that Kenny was aggressive (the shouting, remember?). The two dudes go outside to chat, and once again I’m exhausted by the amount of drama among these guys. We get a TO BE CONTINUED and the voiceover hints that Kenny and Lee come to blows next week. We see a medic dabbing blood from Kenny’s eye. IDK. Maybe one of the parakeets that lives in Lee’s hair just went rogue and pecked him.

Also next week is a two night event! And I’m home so I’ll be tipsy Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday is going to be rough, y’all.

Are you still watching? Why do you think Rachel kept Lee? And what’s he keeping inside his hair?