Welcome to Monday night, when I get shitfaced on Kraken rum and Coke and recap for you all what the hell is going on over at The Bachelor. I watch this shit so you don’t have to. Also we’re apparently on episode ten–by my count it should be nine, but I’ve been drinking a lot so…
And hey! It’s Fantasy Suite night! The least classy night on television!
For those of you who are not Bachelor alums, let me explain. When we get down to the final three women, ABC arranges for each of those women, and The Bachelor, to spend a night alone with each other in a “Fantasy Suite” so they can “get to know each other with the cameras off.” This is just really ABC’s sanctioned banging time, which is totally ridiculous.
For one thing, nothing is stopping them from banging before now, I would assume, other than relative lack of privacy. If you believe gossip sites, that hasn’t held anyone back before. Secondly, the show is suggesting that by sleeping with three women back-to-back-to-back, The Bachelor will better be able to make his final choice and propose to the woman with the golden vagine (thanks Corinne).
Of course, ABC asserts that they don’t have to have sex.
I like to think that Nick falls asleep at 7:30 like a toddler, and the ladies get to watch Shondaland in their pajamas and drink Chardonnay.
I’m not gonna lie: I upped the rum to Coke ratio for tonight. My liver is happy this episode is only an hour long.
Anyway, Last Week On Elyse Watches The Bachelor:
Nick visits the families and hometowns of the four remaining contestants: Corinne, Rachel, Vanessa and Raven. Corinne buys him a $3000 outfit. Amanda and I have a collective panic attack about Nick getting ketchup on his new clothes. We end in New York with Nick about to go through with The Dreaded Rose Ceremony when who should show up? The Backstreet Boys!
No, not really. It’s Andi, The Bachelorette who broke Nick’s heart (allegedly).
Take a shot and let’s get rolling!
Nick pretends that Andi showing up is the most shocking thing ever, all while the other ladies arrive at The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Chris Harrison is trotted out, grateful for this tenuous employment. Basically Andi asks Nick what he’s thinking about the remaining four women–Nick mutters some answers we can’t really hear all while chugging whiskey. I didn’t watch Andi’s season, but there seems to be legit hostility between them.
Andi flat out asks Nick if he’s going to have sex with the women in the Fantasy Suite.
Nick says, “Um…Can I be honest…I don’t know. I’m honestly torn. Like as a man, I’m physically attracted to all of them. I think it would be amazing. But I really want this to work.”
I WOULD HAVE SEX WITH HER BUT I REALLY WANT THIS TO WORK.
Thereby supporting my now 150 page thesis that Nick is crap in bed.
Anyway, Andi advises that Nick sleep with the women if they both agree to it, thereby at least mentioning consent.
Cut to The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Nick wears all black, as is appropriate. Every time he picks up a rose, he closes his eyes and thinks really hard like the rose is somehow telepathically communicating to him who his choice should be.
While sad guitar music plays in the background, Chris Harrison comes out of the shadows to warn us we’re down to the final (of three) roses.
THANKS CHRIS!
It’s Corinne who is left rose-less and sent home. I fucking hope she got her $3000 back. She sobs and apologizes to Nick if she “ever did anything to upset him.”
Jesus Christ. Corinne. Honey. Come over here and drink with me. You are SO MUCH better than Nick. Dewey will snuggle with you. Please do not cry over that doofus. Please.
“I’m done trying to impress these men,” Corinne muses from the backseat of a limo. “I’m going to be mean and whatever happens, happens. I’m done kissing up to men.” Then she immediately falls asleep.
YOU GO GIRL! THAT’S THE ATTITUDE!
Everyone else goes to Finland for the Fantasy Suite dates.
Nick takes Raven on a helicopter ride over Lapland. Then they head to a pub and play some darts. Over drinks they have a heated discussion about ironing (true story: I intentionally fucked up ironing enough times that Rich just does it now. I deliberately iron the pleats out of my pants so he thinks I’m hopeless).
Over dinner Raven tells Nick that she never told her last boyfriend (of two years) that she loved him, and that he only told her he loved her while drunk. She goes on a long meandering spiel about how she loves Nick and how she can see him as a dad.
Well yeah, kids love dinosaur impressions.
Apparently Raven has never told anyone she loves them before. I assume she means men. I mean, I’m drunk right now and I love everyone. I tell the other Bitches I love them on the regular. I tell the cat I love him every day, multiple times. I leave for work in the morning after kissing him and saying “Momma loves you, you have a good day” like he’s going to do anything other than sleep in our bed, on his special blankie, while I slave away at a computer for ten hours.
She also confesses that her ex was the only man she’s ever been intimate with and that she’s never had an orgasm.
Oh God, Raven, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. Do not pin your orgasm hopes on Nick.
Nick can’t manage to sit sideways on a couch. No way in hell is he going to find the clitoris. Or the clitoris and the g-spot. Or… Look. I bet you anything he was the kid who couldn’t manage to figure out that the square peg went into the square hole. He probably smashed the triangle in there until it was stuck forever, all crooked and shit.
He can’t manage sequential let alone simultaneous erogenous zones. Unless watching a grown man pretend to be a T-rex immediately sends you into paroxysms of ecstasy, just don’t get your hopes up. Maybe he’ll sneeze and bump something, I don’t know….
Look, Raven, this is what you do. You go to JimmyJane and you buy the most expensive vibrator on there. I don’t care if it costs as much as car payment. I personally recommend Forms 2 and 3. You get to know you, and the rest will fall into place with time. Trust me.
Did I mention that on a super creepy note, the Fantasy Suite key comes with a hand-written note from Chris Harrison? WHY ARE YOU INVOLVED CHRIS? THIS IS SUPER WEIRD OKAY?
Basically the Fantasy Suite is like a yurt with a glass ceiling (for the Northern lights, definitely not so Chris Harrison can watch) and a fireplace.
Nick and Raven plop down on some blankets and we’re left to assume what does/does not happen within the Yurt of Lovin’.
Then Chris Harrison’s voiceover announces that next week’s episode is three hours long.
THREE HOURS ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
I HAVE TO FUCKING WORK ON TUESDAY. I CANNOT BE PUKING RUM AND VISIONS OF NICK UP AT THREE AM.
Jesus.
I am going to start a training regimen for my liver so it’s ready for three hours of fresh Viall hell.
Anyway, what did you think of Raven’s confession? Did it shock you? And are you ready for THREE HOURS OF NICK?
I’ve never watched the bachelor, but I’m addicted to these recaps (SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR POOR LIVER THOUGH). I literally laughed out loud at “Yurt of Lovin'”, a phrase I keep hearing in an Isaac Hayes voice in my head.
Raven nooooooooooooooo
Also, I was going to say “what is it about Nick that makes women want to choke him?” But clearly the answer is everything.
Like linn I’ve never watched The Bachelor or Bachelorette so thanks for taking one for the team so I don’t have to watch “reality” TV to understand the rose connection in ad campaigns. For the sake of your liver and your job next Tuesday, I suggest you try out a new cocktail. How about trying variations of champagne coctails–stock up on mixers and cordials and make Kir Royale, Poinsetta, Mimosa, Bellini, Death in the Afternoon, Morning Glory, Black Velvet, Nelson’s Blood, there must be a thousand of these. Lots to get you through 3 hours.
Really? Nick sent the sugar momma home? Send her to me and we’ll bond over her need to buy me expensive outfits!
Clearly this guy doesn’t understand his own self-interest. Among other things.
I knew Corrine would go. She’d try and make something of Nick and that just scared the bejesus out of him.
So, what was the point of this episode. If I had a huge watch party going I’d be ticked.
“I bet you anything he was the kid who couldn’t manage to figure out that the square peg went into the square hole. He probably smashed the triangle in there until it was stuck forever, all crooked and shit.”
LOL In other words not only is Nick a tool, he’s a malfunctioning tool.
My life is more fun on the days I have one of these recaps to read.
I actually tried to watch this last night. There was nothing else on and I’d just finished my book and couldn’t decide what to read next. When I turned it on, Nick was having a very awkward convo with Andi and I just couldn’t get past the idea that he looks like a chipmunk turned into human-ish form by a not very skilled witch. Also the whole concept of the Fantasy Suite squicked me out, so I only lasted about 4 minutes before switching off the tv and binging makeup videos on YouTube.
I stayed in a yurt once. We had to book it way in advance because apparently yurts are a hot commodity at the Oregon coast. Who knew? The day we arrived, there was a windstorm that ruined our hike (because I’m allergic to branches falling on my head). So instead of hiking from Sunset Bay to Cape Arago as per the plan, my husband and I retreated to the yurt and got smashed on seasonal brews while dancing to the Brian Setzer Orchestra holiday albums–all the while thinking that at least the yurt gave us more protection than a tent.
And then it was time for bed.
Problem #1: Yurts–at least the yurt we stayed in–have bunk beds. Do you know what harshes a buzz faster than smacking your head on a top bunk while trying to get frisky? Neither do I.
Problem #2: The yurt may have given more protection than a tent, but we were still in the middle of the goddamn forest in the middle of a goddamn windstorm. Every gust of wind sounded like a hurricane. Every time a tiny branch brushed against the yurt wall, it sounded like a tree falling on our heads. I was convinced we were going to be squashed under a Douglas fir. There was no sleep to be found anywhere in that yurt.
Obviously we survived, but that’s not the point of this story. The moral, my friends, is that YURTS ARE NOT SEXY. The only thing that could make a yurt less sexy to me is having to spend the night in one with Nick Viall.
Am I the only one wondering whether Nick chose Corinne to send home because he’d already slept with her, and hasn’t already slept with the remaining three? Although I guess, if he’d already slept with her, you’d think she wouldn’t have been so eager for a second try.
“Did I mention that on a super creepy note, the Fantasy Suite key comes with a hand-written note from Chris Harrison?”
Said note probably said “Don’t fuck it up again this time, douche.” Or maybe it was instructions on how to insert peg; although for Nick I think that would amount to an Ikea manual.
Wasn’t Corrinne’s dad the one who kept asking Nick how he planned on supporting his daughter in the style to which she was accustomed? That question combined with the $3000 dropped in one go was probably what had Nick noping right out of there.
Corinne apologizing to Nick if she had “ever done anything to upset him” made me yell OMG NO!!! at the TV so loud that I scared the crap out of my cat. Not to mention my husband. I hated that she felt like she needed to apologize. Fortunately she made up for it by speaking her mind and then falling asleep. You go girl. Sometimes you are so over it, the only thing left to do is fall asleep. Also poor Raven. I think Elyse’s shopping suggestions will serve her a whole lot better than a night with Nick ever will.
When I heard the Raven never had an orgasm part I had two thought
1. That is some romance novel substitute virginity right there
2. She chose to tell Nick ON CAMERA, does she want to tell her ex’s friends and family he is junk in bed?
I wish all women new they are their own best bet for a first orgasm. Now I want to give out more copies of Come as You Are.
ROFL. I love the idea that makeup videos on YouTube are preferable to watching Nick! Thank you @Kate!
(Hear that ABC executives!?!)
My SO keeps insisting these are the ‘death throes’ of TV.
I’m so confused the fantasy suite episode only involved one of the women? Are the other 2 up next week?
Wait it’s reality tv, I don’t need to understand or even watch it. But I’m loving these recaps.
I think I figured out how Nick is going to “provide for” whichever girl he chooses: he’s rumored to be doing the next season of Dancing with the Stars! How much trouble do you think he’ll have figuring out the dancd. Oves if he thinks that couches are hard?
I love that you watch this crap so I don’t have to and I feel really bad for your liver. If it helps, I was drinking Simply Tropical and Honey Jack on Sunday. I usually have other people ‘drink for me’ because it’s just too much work to do it myself (ha).
Honestly, the only reality show I would purposefully watch would be Keeping up with the Kattarshians which is a live feed of kittens playing and sleeping and being adorable.
(I kiss my cat before I leave for work, too. It’s good to know that I’m not alone.)
Hate the bachelor, love your review. Plus, there is nothing better than getting vibrater suggestions in an email. I laughed so hard at this.
Wait, so we are suppose to buy that all three ladies are in love with Nick but are also fine with the idea that he will most likely will bang with the other women in the fantasy suite. Really!!
I have never seen this show but adore these recaps.
@Mischa – I am HERE for that show!!! Maybe Hallmark Channel? They are doing a “Meow Madness” event this year (saw it advertised during the Kitten Bowl). More kitties on TV!
Elyse, I applaud you (and your liver) for taking on the heartless task of Bachelor recaps. I’ve never seen an episode myself, but I think I can be confident that your recaps are 1000% better than anything ABC airs.
I personally find staying in Yurts to be very romantic….especially ones on the Oregon coast!
Please, please, please tell me that we will get Dancing with the Stars recaps! 😉