Cover Snark: Another Doctor Who’s Lost His Shirt

Cover Snark, ahoy! And let me continually remind you not to eat or drink while reading.

The Gravity of Us by Brittainy Cherry. A shirtless man is standing to the side in front of a splattered, Jackson Pollock-esque wall. His hand is in his back pocket. There is a lot of bulging of the muscles that gives great cause for concern.

From Karen: Is that a vein or a garden hose on his bicep?!?

Amanda: A vestigial twin? I’m looking more at his side ab bulge.

Sarah: The not-very-secret highway of the aliens who power his movements?

Amanda: Is this an mpreg romance?

Sarah: Maybe he’s a shifter? Who shifts into a jump rope?

Amanda: Also, I feel like we’re seeing just a hint of a butt crack. But I can’t be sure. Maybe just crack shadow?

Carrie: He’s looking for his penis. He’s so top-heavy that he can’t find it. It’s the swole version of pregnant women looking for their feet.

Appalachian Prey by Debbie Herbert. A blonde haired pregnant woman, wearing a button-down flannel shirt, is brandishing a shotgun in the woods.

From Lola: I’m not going to read the book because the story in my head is gonna be way better.

Sarah: She is eating for two, so I hope she gets her hunting license on time.

Amanda: Something tells me the book isn’t as cool as the cover leads us to believe.

Carrie: Nope nope nope.

A Dress the Color of the Sky by Jennifer Irwin. A woman is sitting on a tree stump in the middle of an open field. There are horses and cows in the background. The woman is holding a blue dress up to her nude body and there are gold, sparkly heels. One is still on her foot and another is lying in the grass.

Amanda: I’m very curious how she got out in that field in those shoes. Because you know those heels are just sinking into that grass as she’s trying to dodge livestock poop.

Elyse: Is that a hay bale or a stump? ‘Cause either way, she doesn’t want to sit on that with no pants.

Sarah: She’s aerating the grass with those heels, right? Right??!

Carrie: So is she gonna wear the dress or just hug it?

Delivering Her Secret by Kira Blakely. A man in a doctor's coat. He is wearing nothing beneath his coat. Abs on full display. One hand is slipping into the waistband of his scrubs, while the other hand is holding a stethoscope up to his own chest. Sure.

From Carole. Thanks, Carole!

RHG: I don’t think her secret is in THERE.

Sarah: As a person who has delivered two small humans into the world (and is therefore qualified to speak on motherhood as a universal experience HAHAHAHANOT), I would recommend that any woman seeking obstetric assistance not consider this guy. I have very little confidence in his abilities.

He doesn’t know what the stethoscope does, and is fondling himself.

And isn’t wearing a shirt. I won’t get too detailed, but delivery is often and frequently VERY MESSY. Put a shirt on.

RHG: I dunno, it’s easier to clean off when you’re nekkid.

Sarah: Faster to change into clean scrubs, though, I would think.

But hey, if he wants to wear fluid and meconium, that’s his deal.

Carrie: Dude, you are not carrying a baby in your abs.

Comments are Closed

  1. Zyva says:

    Re: The Gravity of Abs

    Things have got to the point that every time I see something like this I think “Uh oh, is there an artist working on something that could do for boys’ body image what ‘The Great Wall of Vagina’ aimed to do for ladies? If not, bring on ‘The Absolutely Fabulous Average ABSeiling Wall’”

    Re: Appalachian Pregnant Predator

    I don’t read things that make me murderous towards someone who’s not real, or at least heavily based on reality (research). Inflicting high-cortisol epigenetics on the unborn, just by itself, is guaranteed to put the antagonist of this book in that category.

    Re: Tree-Change Room

    This really makes me flashback to Ally McBeal . The model who looks like Calista Flockhart. The emphasis on the nape of the neck. Even the nudity, although at least the strange dancing baby in the show could be explained away as a variant of the cherub tradition.

    The only thing different is the milieu. But that’s not a big step for Australians. It’s not quite Seachange , with the lawyer who moves to the seaside to be a local magistrate, but a ‘tree-change’ is not that different. We’ve had Bachelor competitor shows like The Farmer Wants A Wife , even.

    Btw I’m going to plump for ‘stump’. The fashion in haystacks may seem to shift mercurially between cubic and cylindrical, but I’ve never heard of hay that ‘distressed’, esp in the absence of a drought.

    Re: Delivering Secretions

    Actually, her secret WAS that-a-way, partly. At one stage.

    One of the Red Dwarf books involves Lister trying to get off a ‘time moves backwards’ planet once he has de-aged enough, but before, as the blurb says, he comes to a sticky end .
    I just pictured the reverse-birth that would come first. Shudder.

  2. Lostshadows says:

    Maybe the first book is set somewhere with higher gravity than Earth’s?

  3. Jean Russell says:

    The first book: besides the WTFery of the model, can we spare a moment for the shitty fonts and edging on the text? Aren’t you supposed to be able to read the author’s name?

  4. RaccoonLady says:

    I mean, you can use your stethoscope on yourself, and maybe he’s also feeling his pulse point in his hip to make sure everything matches up right, but I don’t think that’s being very helpful to “her” and her secret

  5. SM Haggerty says:

    You could not pay me to sit bare-ass-naked on a stump/bale of hay in the middle of a field. Imagine the bugs wanting to crawl up your butt….

  6. PamG says:

    I’m being followed by a crack shadow, crack shadow, crackshadow
    Hippin’ and hoppin’ on a crack shadow, crack shadow, crackshadow
    If I ever lose my shit, I won’t cry and I won’t split
    If I ever lose my shit, I won’t have to shit no mo-o-ore

    Sorry, it’s my Inappropriate Song Cue Disorder kicking in.

  7. KellyM says:

    @ SM Haggerty
    I agree and the biting things like mosquito’s, yellow fly, deer fly, horse fly, fire ant and the likes. I can’t get away from them fully clothed here in FL. NO WAY in hell would I give them more of a target naked.
    You got that dress the color of the sky, put the darn thing on! Oh and you might want to check for termites while your at it.

  8. Lora says:

    It looks like ‘her secret’ is a penis that someone just discovered. Or else he’s so incompetent as a doctor that he just noticed he has one.

  9. Jazzlet says:

    Why is that dress not the colour of the sky? It’s right there in the same picture cover artist and you still don’t get it right?

  10. Ren Benton says:

    The sticker on Sittin’ Nekkid on a Stump says “Being Made into a Feature Film,” so there’s that to look forward to.

  11. EC Spurlock says:

    @KellyM @SM Haggerty,that was my first thought as well. Second thought – planning an assignation in a field that is probably full of horse poop? Hell to the no.

    There were times during my pregnancies when I felt like Appalachian Prey Lady. Hormones will do that.

    Dr Secret looks like he’s not feeling at all well. Best bow out of this delivery lest you give the new mom your stomach virus, Doc.

  12. chacha1 says:

    Dr. Secret looks to me like he thinks he might have appendicitis. I don’t know why he’s listening to his own heart, though. Taking his own temperature would probably be more helpful. But give thanks that we were spared that particular item-into-orifice imagery.

  13. LauraL says:

    Looks like gravity is having an effect on The Gravity of Us guy as his pants look to be struggling, too. What is that on his back, a an alien life form?

    The Appalachian Prey mama should be pointing her shotgun down for safety unless she is getting ready to say, “I’m fixing to go all Granny Clampett on you.” Her expression indicates it may be the latter.

    In real life, the horses would be bugging the naked girl with the idea there may be a sandwich bag of carrots or apple slices under that blanket. Horses don’t much care how one is dressed but those toes may be tempting to a hoof or two. I read the Amazon reviews and it looks like an angsty story about sex addiction.

    Judging from the hint of pink above the waistband of those scrubs, Delivering Her Secret may be news about a nasty rash or poison ivy.

  14. BellaInAus says:

    The Gravity guy seems to have a problem with something. Are his shoes on the wrong feet, or – like me – is he wondering why his back pocket is sitting on his hip. Don’t interrupt the thought processes, he’ll work it out eventually.

    Appalachian Mama is obviously going to find the guy who did the guttering on her log cabin. That downpipe is shonky as heck.

    At first glance I thought that the girl with the dress was on the phone while wrapped in a towel. In a field. Makes about as much sense as anything else.

    Doctor Shirtfree is obviously concentrating so hard that any second now he’s going to stick his tongue out. This is not a good sign. He appears to be sneaking up on a sentient penis. Maybe he doesn’t realise that it’s his sentient penis. Another bad sign. Take two asprin and call another doctor in the morning.

  15. Claire says:

    Ah. I actually like that vein in they gravity guy. Very much.

  16. Claire says:

    Ah. I actually like that vein on/in the gravity guy. Very much.

  17. Mary says:

    Cover 1: OK, so, three questions: A, that’s not a real guy, right, B, if he isn’t, why did the cover artists think photoshopping him to have various bulges in odd places would make him at all attractive, and C, in what I hope is the highly unlikely event that he is a real guy, is he modelling for romance novel covers in hopes of paying his medical bills? Because you should see a doctor about All That, mate.

    Sheesh, he’s even staring at the floor as if he’s ashamed to even be here! You can just see him shuffle his feet and internally say, “It’s just a job, you’re just doing it for the money…please, please, please don’t let my mom ever see my picture on this cover.”* Poor fella.

    Cover 2: Clearly, she’s had a sudden pregnancy craving for fresh venison and It Must Be Satiated. There’s no reasoning with an expectant mother with cravings. Especially not one with a shotgun.

    Cover 3: Literally the first thought that ran through my head was, “Why in the name of all sanity would you ever sit naked on a stump (yes, I’m pretty sure that’s a stump) in a field when you had A PERFECTLY GOOD DRESS TO WEAR?! Put it on, woman!”

    Also, is this story a romance between her and the dress?

    Cover 4: OK, if that was my obstetrician, I could understand heading out with a shotgun àla Appalachian Prey lady. Somethin’ Ain’t Right There.

    Also, has anyone noticed the tagline? “A Secret Baby Romance”? My first thought was that the baby in question was one of those “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” babies, but after puzzling it out I think it’s supposed to be that the woman is trying to keep the baby a secret…maybe because the doctor’s the dad? Which would be at least two different medical malpractice violations, methinks.

    *Come to think of it, do the mothers/sisters/SOs/daughters/female friends and relations of these models ever pick up one of the romances on whose covers they’re featured? And if so, how does that make them feel? ‘Cause me, personally, if I saw my brother or my dad or my uncle on the cover of a romance novel, I would…feel weird about reading it.

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