Sometimes I feel as though its been ages since we did a Cover Snark, and other times I feel like we just did one yesterday. Today is definitely the latter, but I’m not complaining!
Amanda: Is he a dog shifter Navy SEAL?
Sarah: The dog is the SEAL. That guys is… wearing a christmas tree of belly hair? Is that a merkin?
We might end up with a whole cover snark about overlarge dogs
CarrieS: The dog is clearly in love with the dude. I don’t understand the dude’s abs. Neither do I understand why he’s wearing a leather jacket with no shirt.
Elyse: If this isn’t a romance between the guy and the dog, I’ll be shocked.
Amanda: OH CHRISTMAS TREE OH CHRISTMAS TREE HOW LOVELY ARE YOUR PUBE HAIRS.
Sarah: Think he combs it and hangs tiny balls from it at the holidays? Like how some people put reindeer antlers on their cars?
Amanda: I mean…nothing says the “Beardaments” have to be used for a face beard.
Sarah: This is true. His balls could jingle in MORE THAN ONE WAY.
Elyse: I’m concerned that the tree appears to have actual candles in it. That’s a fire safety issue.
From Lauren: I don’t know what is happening, but it doesn’t look comfortable.
Amanda: Okay, but who else read the title in the “Duck Tales” theme song tune?
Sarah: WOOOOOH OOOOOOH!
Amanda: The woman also has a very long torso.
Sarah: And is very flexible.
CarrieS: Is her head on backwards?
Elyse: I get the impression that these are alien people who are smooth everywhere like Barbies. I’m pretty sure she’s missing her nipples entirely.
From Germaine: That’s got to be not only the same model, but the same stock shot. You guys should be able to come up with some great cover snark on this.
Sarah: Oh my gosh that poor model, caught forever in bashful Santa-surprise.
RHG: I didn’t notice I got distracted by his Adonis belt.
Amanda: Every time he dies, he’s reborn as a new romance Santa. Cursed forever.
Sarah: That poor guy. He’s so vulnerable, boxers and hat, over and over again.
RHG: No no no. It’s Quantum Santa.
Every Christmas he leaps into a new Santa, hoping this is the leap where he’ll be Home For Christmas.
CarrieS: What’s with all the sexy Santas? Santa is not sexy. Dressing up as Santa is not sexy. Wearing a festive hat from the Dollar Store is not sexy.
Everything about Jingle My Balls is so awful it took me a while to notice how dreadfully the cigarette is photoshopped: seriously, it’s too white, too long, and not held by his lips or anything.
Isn’t it a cinnamon stick? But I agree, dreadful cover.
Thirding complete antipathy to Jingle Balls. The cover model looks beyond surly—moving into actively malevolent territory—and, once again, what’s with the cigarettes? Smoking ain’t sexy!
/On a historically accurate note, though, when Queen Victoria’s husband, Prince Albert, introduced the German custom of a Christmas tree to England, the lights decorating the tree were candles. (You can imagine the house fires that started!) But kudos to the cover artist for keepin’ it real!
You can buy tree lights mounted on “candles” for vintage charm with less death and property destruction.
I vote for badly photoshopping cigarettes on the tree, though. It will be code for bad-tree romance so you know at a glance that tree rides a motorcycle and has abusive tendencies as well as tasting like cancer.
Ok, first impressions count for a lot, right? The phrase “Dog Soldier” conjures something else entirely to me, not a dog gazing adoringly at a (white) male. Serious hard pass especially since in my mind the title is referencing a very specific Cheyenne Indian, who is not on that cover. (Thank the Universe for small favors)
Regarding the bashful Santa: I’m getting an “aw, shucks, ma’am, tweren’t nothin'” vibe which is even weirder while looking at that guy but hearing Gomer Pyle. Goooolly!
I’ll see myself out…
@CarrieS: Neither do I understand why he’s wearing a leather jacket with no shirt.
At least he’s wearing underwear. Obviously not a commando.
And who is the dude in the beardaments ad? He’s everywhere these days. I keep wanting to sit him down and trim that beard.
>>>What’s with all the sexy Santas? Santa is not sexy. Dressing up as Santa is not sexy. Wearing a festive hat from the Dollar Store is not sexy.
Look, I’m not even sexually attracted to dudes. Like, at all. But I’d like to express polite but firm disagreement with this stastement on behalf of the fans of a certain Canadian actor.
Many, many people who watch Snow every year and even voluntarily suffer through Snow 2: Brain Freeze would disagree that Santa isn’t sexy. Quite a number of people who watch The Flash for the reasons unrelated to their love of comics or Grant Gustin (as well as some people who did start watching it because of their love of comics and/or Grant Gustin, but found other reasons to appreciate the show as well) would likewise disagree that festive hats aren’t sexy. As long as the right person wears them, they are.
In conclusion, Christmas certainly can be sexy for at least some people-attracted-to-men when Tom Cavanagh is involved.
(As for me, a not-attracted-to-men person – “sexy” isn’t the word I’d use. The words I’d use would be “good-looking”, “aesthetically appealing” and “I wish I looked like him”.)
That is all. Thank you for listening.
1. Leather jacket is probably a little more comfortable than the bare chest with blazer combo I read about in Fujoshi Kanojo.
2.Hey dude, ruining all the good PR the weird bikies try to garner down the coast here on their seasonal Santa posse run – no smoking!
Btw anyone remember candy ‘cigarettes’? (Fags -> fads brand) Could give people a good fright swallowing a realistic one.
3. Blue movie went all the way through to purple.
4. I’ve met that guy’s Aussie cousin. He works on the country train, wears Santa hat all holiday season, and jingles the bells on it when he comes to check your tickets. No bunny ears for Easter though.
Ymmv but it was actually pretty cute. More clothes helps.
I read the entire Wolf Tales series years ago & they are absolutely bananapants crazysauce. There’s like 14 or more full length books with novellas in between. Bonded mates type stories, everyone is a shifter, everyone is bi & poly, one guy’s mate dies & is reincarnated as their goddess & meanwhile, the goddess becomes one of the shifters & bonds with the guy whose mate died. It’s so totally weird & I was all into it when I read them at first, but then later I was all “meh, too weird for me now” & donated them all to my library’s book sale. Since I found the first book at the library, I felt it was fitting. Hopefully someone bought them & enjoyed them!
Isn’t #1 like Shelly Laurenston’s The Undoing, but with a dog added in.
Omg I’m crying from laughing so hard today. Thank you. And “Jingle my balls “ has got to be the worst pick up line ever. Whoever says that to someone needs to be slapped in the mouth. Lolololol.
Scary Santa with the Jingle My Balls
@Bookworm
At first glance I read, “Whoever says that to someone needs to be stapled in the mouth.” Seems like a more penetrating solution.
The shepherd on the Dog Soldier cover wants to see if liverwurst is spackled to resemble abs on the soldier’s chest. @kitkat9000 – I looked up Dog Soldier and that is truly an unfortunate title choice.
Blond doppelganger Santa reminds me of the bouncy underwear models in the cheeky Andrew Christian Christmas video that made the rounds a few years ago. His Adonis belt is distracting, RHG.
I’m pretty sure the Jingle My Balls Santa is smoking a Virginia Slims. Long, long cigarettes from the back in the day for all you youngsters. I’ll toddle back to my rocking chair now.
I thought that said “Tangle My Balls” –even worse.
Are we sure it’s leather? could it be…..PLEATHER???
Jingle my Balls dude doesn’t look angry to me, just confused. Like his buddy just told him a completely incredulous story about an octopus fishing expedition gone horribly wrong and a stray cat that saved the day while a couple of frat boys argued over who’s more of a bro in the background while the third bro was getting an ill advised tattoo that does not translate the way he thinks it translates. (They thought it was a booze cruise, why there was a tatoo artist on said boat is another story). It also involved cheap Vodka, and fruit. YMMV
The (first? See Lisa C’s comment #9 above) seven volumes (from Wolf Tales through Wolf Tales VII) are all available at/through the Hackensack Public Library. We make them weird in New Jersey.
A couple of the other covers approach the first one for “not even when we were young, flexible and in good shape” positions, so I expect that “bananapants crazysauce” may even be understating the case.
“CarrieS: What’s with all the sexy Santas? Santa is not sexy. Dressing up as Santa is not sexy. Wearing a festive hat from the Dollar Store is not sexy.”
Yes! That! Thank you!
Also, my brother just linked me to Cover Snark last night, and I read through the archives while I was supposed to be asleep…thank you for giving me numerous explosions of stifled laughter 🙂
Wolf Tales – I read the review quote to mean that you’d want a fan of the book to talk you out of setting it on fire.
Dog Soldier boy appears to be holding his pants up. Surely if his pecs are there, and his four pack is there, then his pants are reallly, really low. Especially once you factor in the boxer elastic.
I’m more concerned about the Studmuffin cover: she’s flashing her naked body at him and he’s not looking at her!
I’ve seen Bashful Santa (-hat + bride) on 2 more covers! Same stock photo for both titles:
“Vegas Love” by Jillian Dodd
“Ready to Run” by Lauren Layne
Some work with Google Image Search led to istockphoto dot com, specifically “sexy muscular shirtless man santa claus hat”. Just how many bitches have pursued the same line of inquiry in the last two days, causing this ready-made search to bob to the surface so quickly? And if I searched a little further, would I learn the model’s name? Poor guy probably isn’t even getting residuals, and this Sexy Santa photo shoot will haunt him through all his days. Hope he never decides to run for office.
OMG, how I love cover snark. I would not care if some part of the blog is devoted to it everyday!!
Part of the description of “jingle my balls” – Welcome to Jenika and Jordan’s Hot-Bite Christmas where the packages are big, the stockings are definitely hung, and snow isn’t the only thing that gets plowed.