Elyse Watches The Bachelor Episode 11: An Apple and a Starfish

Finally, finally it’s the season finale of the snooze fest that is this season’s Bachelor. 

Unfortunately it’s three hours long, and I don’t even know how the hell they got three hours of usable footage of Arie. Allegedly there’s a big scandal because Arie regrets his choice.

The Bitches and I discussed earlier:

RHG: You’d think a piece of beige carpeting wouldn’t have so much trouble.

Sarah: Who was it that called him a beige pashmina come to life? (YES: Ali Barthwell, all the applause.) He’s like plain yogurt. Room temp. This could be a competition. How boring is Arie? Preschool paste, no salt.

Amanda: A piece of boiled chicken.

RHG: Factory raised boiled chicken. I have watched none of this season. I haven’t read all of the recaps (like, unless I know there’s a point where Arie tries to get someone to drink pee) and all I’ve seen are the ads that played during the Oscars last night. And I was so bored looking at this store brand vanilla pudding face.

So anyway, we have three fucking hours to listen to Arie say “Yeah” while women talk about “being open to this process.” We’re down to two final contestants, Becca and Lauren.

I’m going to be slightly distracted while writing this as I’m supervising Dewey and his new baby brother, Fisher, playing. Fisher joined the family this weekend after being found in an ice shanty with a fishhook in his mouth (hence the name). I assumed Dewey wanted to be an only cat and it turned out that assumption was wrong. Or that Dewey thinks we got him his own pet, which is entirely possible.

Anyway, these two are 1000% more entertaining than Arie.

So we open to a studio in the darkest pits of hell, where Chris Harrison is hosting a live viewing party. Chris promises me that this will be the most shocking Bachelor finale ever. Sure. Then we start the show.

Arie’s family has arrived in Peru to meet Becca and Lauren. Arie muses that he’s in love with both women which makes his decision a tough one. Lauren gets to meet the family first.

“Wait, now which one is Lauren?” my husband asks.

“The one talking?” I say.

“No, I mean did she have a …”

“Memorable personality? No.”

To be honest I think Lauren is the best match for Arie because frankly, Lauren is pretty bland.

During a one-on-one conversation, Lauren tells Arie’s dad that she’s afraid of getting engaged and breaking up, since that’s already happened to her once. Arie tells his brother that he’s worried that if he marries Lauren he’ll have to reassure her all the time.

Isn’t reassurance part of marriage? What a douche canoe.

Then we get a commercial break and I remove Fisher from Dewey’s food bowl.

Next up Becca is meeting the family. “How are you feeling? How’s your head?” Arie asks.

For a second I think that Becca had a head injury that I missed last week, but then I realize that Arie is asking how she’s doing emotionally.

Becca says that she and Lauren are completely different. “It’s like comparing an apple to a starfish.”

…okay.

After Becca leaves, Arie’s parents tell him that they think that Becca is a better match for him.

So then we cut back to the studio. Caroline, who chewed Arie out during The Women Tell All, is with Chris Harrison.

“I think what he did to both of them is not fair,” she says, without explaining what he did.

“Do you believe he fell in love with both of them?” Chris asks.

“I don’t think he knows what he wants,” Caroline says.

Thanks for telling us NOTHING you guys.

Then Chris says that Arie is in a very bad place, and that based on their conversations Arie was hoping the last few dates would help him make up his mind and keep him from making the biggest mistake of his life.

He’s proposing to a woman on TV, not joining a cult, Chris. Unless…if he chooses wrong does he die? Did I miss a really important part of this?

So anyway, Arie and Lauren go to Machu Picchu. On the ride there Lauren says “I can still picture the first day. Like, everything that happened. Like, me walking up to you and you forgetting that you met me in Dallas.”

Wait. He forgot he’d previously met her? And she’s charmed by it?

These two are meant for each other.

There’s a lot of mist and wet kissing. Lauren and Arie both say “This is amazing,” about thirty times. Lauren also adds, “I love that.”

Everyone take a shot.

As info, right now Fisher is zonked out in the cat tree and Dewey “sneaks” up on him and then runs away as fast as he can, trying to get Fisher to chase him.

During drinks with Lauren, Arie keeps pulling at the thigh of his jeans like he’s a toddler who has to pee.

Lauren tells him, “I feel like we see the world in a very similar way. And I love that you can walk into a room and I can know exactly what you’re thinking.”

I know exactly what he’s thinking too, Lauren. Nothing. He’s thinking about nothing. Literal white space.

Then Arie asks how she imagines their life together, and I expect the answer involves a lot of beige décor and flavorless foods.

Arie tells the camera that he’s in love with Lauren and he could propose to her right now.

We cut back to the studio. Chris sips from a goblet of blood. Sienne and Bekah M are there. Sienne has no voice and Chris jokes that she’s “doing a Krystal.”

Ouch.

Both Bekah M and Sienne think that if Arie is this conflicted, he shouldn’t propose to anyone.

So then Arie and Becca go on their final date. They go shopping in Cusco and pet some llamas.

Becca tells Arie that she’s afraid that he won’t pick her, and it will break her heart.

Arie tells the camera that he can see Becca as his wife and the mother of children. Which is exactly what he said about Lauren ten minutes ago.

“To lose him, in one day, to someone who is so different than me is unimaginable,” Becca says.

Then Becca reads to Arie from her journal where she reflects that she met Arie on the anniversary of her father’s death.

I…okay.

“I love that,” Arie says.

What the fuck is wrong with these people?

We cut to a shot of Arie walking down a dark street saying, “I’m in love with two women.”

Back to the studio. Chris briefly interviews former Bachelors Ben H and Jason. He asks them what Arie is going through. Jason says he can see Arie’s pain and since Arie hasn’t had a single discernable emotion yet, I call BS.

I’d like to point out that at least an hour of this bullshit three hour finale is sad music playing while people look into the distance while holding coffee mugs or wine glasses. The best part is that Arie doesn’t know how camera angles work so we can see that his mug is empty. Like his soul.

The cats are now passed out completely, exhausted from playing and the painful slog that is Arie’s blandness.

Finally, we’re at the end. Arie paces in a suit in a field while a single rose sits on a table. Lauren gets out of the limo first and Chris Harrison, like some fucked-up father of the bride, escorts her to Arie. The field is strewn with some random shit that I think is supposed to make us think of Peru and features wandering llamas. The effect is that it looks like someone forgot to clean up after an epic party.

Lauren talks about how special and rare her relationship with Arie is, and how confident she is that they’ll be together for the rest of their lives.

They hold hands and Arie takes a deep breath.

“I’m freaking out,” Lauren says. She tells him that meeting him helped her break down the walls that kept her from falling in love.

Arie is now crying. I think. I don’t see tears but there’s sniffling.

“You’re the man I’ve been looking for my whole life,” Lauren says.

Arie’s breathing gets weird and he might be having a panic attack. For real.

“Last night I was awake all night thinking about this moment. And I wanted it so bad for us. But there was something that was holding me back. And I just….I can’t go through with it. And it’s not anything I can explain other than I gave it everything I had to see if it would work,” he says.

Lauren legit does a McKayla Maroney face.

“I’m extremely confused,” Lauren says. Then she gives him a cold “I wish you the best.”

Arie walks her to the car and she tells him, “I still love you.”

“I love you too,” Arie says.

WTF dude.

Lauren pulls away in the Limo of Tears. She says she feels betrayed.

“I feel a little bit like a monster right now,” Arie says.

Honest to God, I just took a drink directly out of the Maalox bottle.

So then Becca arrives and Chris escorts her to the field where Arie paces.

Arie and Becca hold hands and talk at each other, but none of it is interesting. Arie says they are a “team.”

He gets down on one knee and proposes to Becca. She accepts and takes the final rose while dramatic music plays.

“When are we gonna start having babies?” Arie asks.

Cut back to the studio. Chris strokes the long-haired white cat sitting in his lap. He teases us that coming up is the first reality show segment that’s completely unedited.

Um. Okay?

We come back from commercial break and Chris says, “Normally this is where our story ends.” THANK GOD.

But no. We’re not done. I still have an hour of this shit left.

We see clips of Becca and Arie hanging out together post show, playing chess and making pizza.

Then Arie says to the camera, “Sometimes when I’m doing these little getaways with Becca, I think how would this be with Lauren? And it kills me because I have this great woman right next to me.  I go to bed and I think about Lauren. And I wake up and I think about Lauren. And I know Becca sees my struggle. She sees the fact that my mind is somewhere else. She knows that I think about Lauren.”

Yikes.

“It’s difficult because I was in love with Lauren, and it’s hard to separate those feelings of loss. And I thought, okay, the feelings of this breakup will go way, just like any other breakup. But they didn’t. With Becca I just feel an immense amount of guilt, ” he says. “It’s not fair for her to be in a relationship where someone is half in. I told Becca I’d choose her every day, and I know I made that commitment, and it kills me that I’m going back on that, but I have to follow my heart.”

So then we cut to a room somewhere (presumably in hell) where Chris Harrison asks Arie if Becca knows he’s going to break up with her, and Arie says no.

“I’m doing it because I love Lauren,” Arie says.

Then we cut to Becca saying she’s back in LA for a “happy couple” weekend with Arie. She seems super happy and I’m absolutely dreading this. I can usually swallow this BS without an issue, but my stomach honestly hurts for this woman. She’s talking about how she can’t wait for their life to start together.

I’m getting nauseated. They are emotionally ambushing Becca in a way that’s just cruel.

Then we go back to the live studio where everyone is booing.

Fuck you ABC. This is extra shitty even for you.

Chris tells us that the footage we’re about to watch is completely unedited and “raw.” Chris, I defended you. I ignored the fact that you obviously serve an eldritch horror. I stood up for you. But I’ve lost my respect for you. Screw you and your dumb spray tan.

Arie opens with asking Becca if he can talk to her. It’s obvious something is up and she looks nervous.

“Being with you, even though it’s been everything I’ve wanted, I still think about her. And I think you sense that,” Arie says. “For me, the more I hung out with you, the more I felt like I was losing the possibility of maybe reconciling things with Lauren.”

Becca looks crushed. “Are you fucking kidding me?” she asks.

“I have to follow my heart, ” Arie tells her.

“Was this when you had your conversation with her?” Becca asks.

“When I spoke to her I realized all that feeling was there still.” He adds, “Here’s the thing. We left Peru and I didn’t want to be as honest with you as I could about how conflicted I felt.”

Is this guy auditioning for the Douchebag Awards?

He tells Becca that he would be half in it with her, but not with Lauren.

Becca looks pissed. Becca looks like she might be scanning the room for a stabbing implement.

“This is embarrassing,” Becca says. She’s mad that he proposed in the first place if he wasn’t sure.

We cut back to the studio. Chris keeps saying “raw and unedited” like we’re watching bear attack.

Becca goes and gets her suitcase. Arie tells her that he’ll leave, she can stay.

He stands there awkwardly. “Well, I’m not going to hug you,” she says.

Good for you Becca. Punch him in the balls.

“I want you to go,” she tells him.

Fisher has left the room to leave me a truly horrible gift in the litter box, and that turd pile is still better than Arie. Dewey refuses to come in the room with the TV. He has standards.

We get five minutes of Becca crying. Seriously. It’s awful. I’d rather watch a bear attack someone live on camera. Preferably Arie.

Arie WHO CAN’T TAKE A FUCKING HINT goes to talk to Becca and says, “Hey are you okay?”

OF COURSE SHE’S NOT YOU FUCKING TOOL.

“Just leave,” Becca says, “What are you still doing here?”

Rich is actually getting really mad right now. “She asked him to leave. He needs to leave. He’s not listening to her.” He says, “Seriously, get the fuck out. This is not okay behavior.”

Yeah, I think that’s been an issue for him in general.

“Can you talk to me for a few minutes?” Arie says, an example of entitled toxic masculinity in action.

“Don’t touch me,” she says and walks away.

None of this is good. He needs to leave her alone. She told him to and he’s not respecting that and I have a huge problem with it. Even airing this normalizes his unacceptable behavior.

Arie broke up with Becca but wants her to absolve him of emotional accountability for his actions.

“C’mon, can you just sit down with me,” he whines.

To which I say:

Every time Arie opens his dumb mouth to say something like “I couldn’t give that to you when I’m in love with someone else” I want to punch him in his throat.

Also maybe Chris Harrison has had me under his dark spell this whole time. He looks positively stuffed with the negative energy he feeds on. Maybe the orange-ness of his skin is directly proportional to how satiated he is.

Fisher just knocked over a stack of books. Ooh. I forgot I had The Scandal of it All.

“Okay, I’m going to go,” Arie says, then sits there like a pile of dookie.

We cut back to the studio where Becca, freshly humiliated, sits with Chris Harrison. Becca says she was in love with Arie, but that she hasn’t seen him since that day.

So then I’m finally released from my pain when Chris tells us we’re out of time. But hey, there’s a show tomorrow so they can really profit on Becca’s pain.

“You okay?” I ask my husband.

“I would like two warring colonies of fire ants to attack his junk,” he says.

Me, too. Me, too.

So, what did you think of the finale? Are you watching tonight?