Elyse Watches The Bachelor – Episode 8: Mhmmm

Happy Monday (or Tuesday when you read this, I guess) everyone. It’s time for The Bachelor.

There’s a massive ice storm going on outside right now, one that’s projected to cause widespread power outages, so earlier today I messaged the other Bitches to let them know that there was a tiny chance I’d miss tonight’s episode and they’d have to pinch hit. I got the following replies:

RHG: If nominated, I will not run. If elected, I will not serve.

Sarah: Holy shit, I think this is another two hour episode.

RHG: They’re all two hour episodes.

Sarah: That’s uncharitable.

Amanda: There aren’t enough incentives in the world to make me sit through another episode.

Fortunately while my drive home was dicey, we haven’t lost power. Although, to be honest, sitting silently in the dark would be more entertaining than listening to Arie talk. I could light a candle and do shadow puppets with Dewey.

So anyway, tonight’s episode is what’s known in Bachelor lingo as “hometowns.” That means we’re down to four women and they all have to foist Arie on their poor families.  For the record, the families agree to this ahead of time.

Now, on with the show!

First up, Arie visits Kendall in her hometown of Los Angeles. Kendall takes Arie to a warehouse full of…taxidermy. Kendall collects taxidermy, and as she gets to plan their date she decides they’ll be mounting taxidermy rats. Normally I’d be creeped out by this, but as a follower of The Bloggess, I’m pretty eh. It does freak Arie out, which is delightful. Anyway, they dress up the rats as a bride and groom.

After that they meet Kendall’s parents, her brother, and her twin sister, Kylie (I am not making that up). The family dog (some kind of spaniel) is adorably excited that so many people are there and is running around wagging it’s tail like mad. SO MANY NEW PEOPLE TO SNIFF OMG MUST ALSO SNIFF CAMERA MAN AND SOUND MAN OMG SO MANY NEW PEOPLE.

Both Kylie and, Kendall’s dad, Bob, tell Arie that they don’t think Kendall is ready to get married yet. Kendall herself admits to her sister that she’s not ready to be engaged. She doesn’t tell Arie that, though. She just tells him that she’s falling for him and it’s scary to be vulnerable.

So it’s not scary to walk around a warehouse full of dead things staring at you with cold, glass eyes, but it is scary falling in love with Arie. Good to know.

Next up is Tia. But before that, it occurs to me that we haven’t seen much of Chris Harrison at all this season. It’s a little concerning, frankly. In the past during almost every episode, Chris and The Bachelor would have a little chat like this:

The Bachelor: I just feel like Marlee wasn’t being genuine during our industrial paint-stripping date, you know? I worry that she’s not open to this journey.

Chris Harrison: I thirst for blood.

Good times.

But I want to know what could possibly have driven Chris back to the shadows? Is Arie that intolerable?

Back to Tia. She’s from Weiner, AR, population 716.

Proving that they just don’t give a shit, ABC shows us that they think the abbreviation for Arkansas is AK. For you non US readers, that’s the abbreviation for Alaska. Thanks to Twitter for catching that.

First Tia and Arie race cars around a dirt track. Then they go meet Tia’s family. Tia’s dad is NOT impressed with Arie and also pronounces his name “Airy.” Basically Tia’s family is worried that Arie is a lady’s man. I’d be more worried that he’d make someone lapse into a coma, but whatever.

So then Tia’s dad pulls the whole, “If you hurt her, I can find you.” which is such bullshit. Can we please discontinue this misogynist trope? Tia is more than capable of murdering Arie herself–assuming that Chris Harrison doesn’t get him first. The guy really doesn’t even move that fast. She could probably take time for a sweet tea and a pedi and then chase him down.

Then we cut to Becca K who is from Minnesota. We’re really plowing through these hometowns and I’m wondering what ABC has planned for hour two.

Becca and Arie go to an apple orchard. I bet Arie likes his apples when they’re “just mushy enough.”

Honestly no one on this season has chemistry. Like, the two taxidermy rats had more chemistry than Arie and any of the women.

Arie points out to Becca that it’s important that they have the support of their families, which duh, because it’s not like Arie has a real job. “Race car driving” and reality TV will only get you so far.

Then we meet Becca’s family and their Minnesota accents warm my heart. I am among my people, ya know?

When Arie talks Becca’s mom does this “mhmm mhmm mhmm” thing over him that is Upper Midwestern Mom Code for 1. I’m not buying what you’re selling and 2. shut your facehole already.

Becca’s Uncle Gary, who stepped in when Becca’s dad died, meets with Arie alone. Uncle Gary says (more or less) that Becca’s dad died of a brain tumor, her mother has battled breast cancer, and basically this family has been through a lot and they are not fucking around right now ok? So this better be the real deal.

I love Uncle Gary.

Then Uncle Gary, who is also a pastor, asks Arie about his faith and Arie, maybe a little afraid, agrees to go to church with Becca.

Arie then talks to Becca’s mom and the “mhmm’s” come out again, but Arie has no idea what they mean. He keeps talking. Stop talking Arie.

Becca tells Arie, “You keep blowing my mind and stealing pieces of my heart.”

Finally we go to Virginia Beach, Lauren B (The Final Lauren)’s hometown. Friendly reminder, during their last date Arie stood up abprubtly and walked away from Lauren super awkwardly. The best Twitter scientists have reviewed the footage and are in agreement: Arie had to fart.

First they ride horses on the beach, then they go to a lighthouse. There’s a lot of kissing in this episode and my husband is puttering around the house chanting “juicy, wet mouth kisses” under his breath.

So then Arie has dinner with The Final Lauren’s family, and it’s crazy awkward. At one point Arie stands up and quickly leaves the table AGAIN, dabbing a napkin on his sweaty face and neck. Dude has some serious intestinal issues.

Arie tells the camera that the biggest race he was ever in was The Indy 500 and that his nerves were at a ten. Then he helpfully adds, “that would be the maximum.” Apparently The Final Lauren’s family is more stressful than that.

Dave, Lauren’s dad, says the first impression Arie left on him was that he was selfish. Then he adds, “if he proves me wrong I’ll fucking kill him.”

I think he means proves me right but…

WELL OKAY THEN. This family is wound tight. Someone needs to break out the brown liquors.

Then Arie tells Dave, a military man, that he did a goodwill tour of Iraq with some other drivers and all of a sudden Dave loves Arie.

What was that? He’s all, “Well my first impression of you is that you’re a shitbag and I just told America I’d fucking kill you, but you went and visited some troops so now you’re good enough for my daughter.”

Arie asks Lauren’s mom for her blessing, and she does the same thing Becca’s mom did, which is to say, “I trust my daughter.” That’s mom code for “I think I can still talk her out of this terrible, terrible decision.”

Arie, being completely obtuse, thinks that they’ve given him their blessing.

So then, in the most exciting moment of the night, my internet goes down.

So do I give up here and go to bed? Crack open a book and wait for my power to go out too? Go lay down in the sleet and wait for the cold to claim me?

No.

No. I am an Amazon warrior and I will not let my lack of wifi deter me from going through this “journey” for you. I will not abandon my sisters in battle. I’ve got unlimited data and a fridge full of cold brew. Let’s put this fucker to bed.

We cut back to the McMansion and the titlecard lets us know that the ABC intern is at least able to figure out that Los Angeles is in CA. Good work.

Finally Chris Harrison emerges. His eyes look hollow. He is unfed. Arie talks to him about hard decisions, but we know that Chris has bided his time, playing the pipe organ beneath the McMansion, waiting for the Dark Feast to begin.

It is time…for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony.

Arie stands before the women, then mutters, “Oh God,” and walks off quickly. Arie, you gotta get that checked out man. Maybe cut out dairy for awhile?

Arie pulls Kendall aside and asks her if she’s ready to be engaged. Kendall can’t really commit to it, but says she’s falling for Arie.

For the record, Arie has told all four women tonight that he’s falling in love with them.

Then Kendall and Arie return and the scary music starts. The first rose goes to Becca. The second rose goes to The Final Lauren.

That means…

Chris Harrison appears and says, “Ladies, this is the final rose tonight.”

The final rose goes to Kendall.

Tearfully, Tia leaves the McMansion. She seems genuinely blindsided. She asks Arie why he chose to eliminate her and he doesn’t have a good answer for her.

I’m guessing Tia might be the next Bachelorette.

Then ABC announces that the next episode is airing on Sunday followed by an episode on Monday, which…Fuck My Life.

What did you think of tonight’s episode? Are you still watching?