Elyse Watches The Bachelor, Episode 7: The Sloth

I could be watching the Olympics right now, you guys.

I could be reading The Princess Trap.

I could be updating a fucking Excel spreadsheet for funsies.

I could be, but I’m not. I’m watching The Bachelor so you don’t have to. That’s how much I love The Bitchery.

For the record, this season’s “hunk,” Arie, is so boring that I’ve adopted a new strategy where I pre-nap the episode. That’s right, I come home, shove some food in my face hole, then take a nap so that I can stay awake for the entire episode. I have no issue staying up until the wee hours of the morning, so it’s not that it’s a struggle to make it to nine p.m. No, it’s a struggle to stay conscious while Arie is talking.

I pointed out to my husband that he wasn’t obligated to join me in this “journey.” He could go upstairs and watch Olympic hockey with the cat. He squeezed my hand and told me that he’d promised to see me through better or worse, and this definitely qualified as worse.

Anyway, this week everyone goes to Tuscany. Everyone except Krystal who was eliminated last week leaving us without a villain. Based on the preview, everyone cries in this episode.

Now, on with the show!

We start off with Chris Harrison telling the women that he’s just talked with Arie, and Arie is doing great and is really excited. “Who goes on what date and why. It’s weighing on his mind heavily,” Chris says.

Nothing weighs heavily on Arie’s mind. Being around Arie just feels heavy because he’s so boring it’s oppressive.

Anyway, Chris tells the ladies that there will be no Dreaded Rose Ceremony this week. Instead we get three one-on-one dates and one group date. Next week is Hometowns (The Bachelor lingo for when the contestants have to force Arie on their families) so the women who get a rose know they have to take Arie home next week.

The first date is with Becca K. They drive to a small town where they buy some bread and meat and cheese (which they aren’t allowed to eat) from vendors prescreened for their quaintness.

When they sit down to not eat their food, Becca K goes into a long speech about how she sees their relationship potentially progressing. It’s well thought out and mature. Arie stares into the middle distance. When she’s done he suddenly holds her hand and says, “…I like that.”

Cue gross kissing.

We cut back to the hotel where Jacqueline and Kendall sit on the couch talking. Jacqueline says, “I do not feel good.”

She’s talking about Arie, not intestinal distress, although you couldn’t tell from her tone. She tells Kendall that she can’t envision Arie meeting her parents or what they would say to him (probably something like “okay, what’s your real job”) and that she doesn’t feel ready for the same kind of relationship he’s looking for.

To be fair, we’ve reached the point in the season where everyone is exhausted, sharing the same cold from all the kissing, and jet lagged. Crying happens a lot. That said, I hope Jacqueline scores some wine and then nopes out.

We go back to Becca K’s date with Arie where they’re at dinner (which they’re not allowed to eat). So then Becca K tells Arie she’s falling in love with him and can picture him as her husband. He tells her that makes him happy and he gives her a rose.

We go back to the hotel. Lauren gets the next one-on-one date, which makes Jacqueline and Bekah K stress out.

“I just don’t trust myself to make these decisions,” Jacqueline says. “I don’t trust my instincts there.”

Jacqueline, mascara tears streaming, breaks the rules and WALKS ACROSS THE HOTEL TO THE ROOM WHERE ARIE IS STAYING.

Yeah, the show would like you to think he’s staying in his private villa somewhere, but really he’s down the hall. Except he and the ladies aren’t supposed to interact off camera which has to make the breakfast buffet awkward.

She knocks on the door and Arie answers. In the most exciting thing we’ve seen Arie do yet, he’s apparently been drinking wine alone. Based on how glittery his eyes are and how he slurs his words, he’s probably at least a bottle in.

She starts talking about how since their last date she’s been having doubts.

Arie is way drunker than I thought and he just smiles and leans forward and his eyes are super puffy.

“I’m worried that I’m gonna end up in Scottsdale with you, married, and wonder how I did I get here?” she says.

“You understand that doesn’t have to happen right away, right?” Arie says.

Except he’s drunk so it’s “You mundsternd that that doeshnt have to happen right away mhm right?”

Jacqueline legit looks like, “WTF are you talking about.” She picks up a wineglass and chugs it.

Then she says, “I could completely regret this in ten minutes.”

I had rewind three times and I think what Arie said was, “You have to do whatever’s in your heart” but what I heard was “Crab rangoons ‘n art.”

At that point whatever tenuous hold Arie has on sobriety and coherence snaps. Honestly, even if you don’t watch this show, see if you can find this scene because it’s fucking hilarious. He was not expecting to be on camera and he’s absolutely shit faced. Jacqueline is trying to keep it together for the sake of the show but she’s realizing, with slowly dawning horror, that this dude is plastered. Sometimes he just leans toward her with his mouth half open like a grouper, like he’s expecting a kiss, or maybe like he might puke.

And Arie is like a little baby sloth when he’s drunk, except not at all cute. He moves really slow and seems bewildered by everything.

There’s a moment where I swear he starts looking around the room for the rose he’s supposed to give her.

“Are you scared of me?” he asks, his eyes unnaturally wide.

“I…eh, no. Why would I be scared of you?” she asks.

“Are you scared of what it would be like to be in love?” he asks. Then he leans on the back of the couch and I swear he falls asleep for a hot second.

Jacqueline leans over to hug him and he starts dozing in her hair and says, “I really like you.”

I shouldn’t be laughing as hard as I am, but this is great. ABC edited this whole thing to seem like a really dramatic conversation and Arie is completely wasted, half awake, super confused by all of it.

Jacqueline tells Arie goodbye then cries in the hallway for awhile.

When she tells the other women she’s leaving, they start to cry, especially Kendall who hugs her tightly.

The next day, presumably after several glasses of water and some ibuprofen, Arie and Lauren go on a date to another small town. They get gelato and pizza (which they eat!) and ride bicycles.

Lauren tells Arie that she worries about putting herself in a vulnerable position. “Yeah,” says Arie.

Then some adorable children who are absolutely not being paid for this ask Arie and Lauren to join their impromptu soccer game.

At dinner, Arie starts back in on the wine, and asks Lauren if she feels ready for him to meet her family.

“I’m really excited that you opened that up,” Lauren says with a sigh. “I hate saying that I’m scared and that I’m terrified, but I really am!”

Arie was not expecting this and deflates immediately.

Then Lauren follows up with how she doesn’t want to be hurt, but that she’s falling in love with Arie.

Then things get weird. Lauren asks Arie if he’s okay and he stands up really suddenly and tells her he’ll be back. He kind of hunches over.  He walks down a gravel path in the dark with the camera chasing him.  Wait. Did he just quit the show? CAN THIS BE TRUE.

“I’m starting to regret being that open,” Lauren says.

Maybe he just really needed to fart.

When he returns Lauren says, “I feel like I’m good at reading people, and I feel like right before you walked away you were feeling something off.”

“No, that wasn’t it,” says Arie.

Yup. Had to fart.

He has no explanation for why he suddenly got up, but he gives Lauren a rose. He tells her he’s “falling so deeply in love with her it’s crazy.”

He then asks her to “walk around” with him because apparently he’s still got bad gas. They crop dust the camera man and then make out under a tree for awhile.

The following day Seinne and Arie go truffle hunting with some super cute dogs, then their guide invites them back to his family’s house for lunch. It’s a good thing they got homemade pasta and pizza, because we cut over immediately to the dinner no one is allowed to eat.

Arie and Seinne have a conversation that’s pretty similar to what he had with Lauren and Becca K.

“I just want you to know that I’m not ready to not have you in my life,” Seinne says.

Arie picks up the rose that’s on the table. “I feel like there isn’t anything wrong with us. There isn’t anything that stood out. I just think that I haven’t felt things that I should be feeling at this moment. We should be further along than this. And I just want to tell you I can’t give you the rose.”

DICK MOVE ARIE.

Seinne is surprised, which is fair because he was holding the rose and started off that rejection horribly.

“It came out of nowhere. For me. So,” Seinne says coldly when he walks her to her car.

Cut back to the hotel where a producer or bellhop wheels Seinne’s suitcase down the hall while the other women gasp.

Then finally, FINALLY we’re almost done. I usually have issues falling asleep at a reasonable hour but it’s 8:37 and I’m struggling to stay awake. Arie is like Unisom mixed with Nyquil mixed with a blow to the head. Is this what it’s like having hypothermia? Where you just want to sleep so badly that your judgement is impaired?

So the next date is a group date with Bekah M, Tia and Kendall. They go to the Villa Reale and sip wine. There are three women and two roses, and even without Chris Harrison to tell me, I know that means someone is going home.

Tia is concerned that Bekah M isn’t as serious about Arie as she and Kendall are, and she tells Arie that during their alone time. Then, in a move that makes zero sense, Tia tells Bekah M that she feels that Bekah isn’t serious about her relationship with Arie and that she just told Arie that. Clearly this is all made up drama by the producers.

Bekah M starts to cry.

“I feel like a big sister,” Tia says, clearly miserable.

Bekah M finds Arie (probably lost in a hedge maze again) and sobs into his chest. I have no idea what she says and I don’t think Arie does either. So then Bekah M tells Arie that her parents weren’t opposed to her going on the show which makes no sense because HER PARENTS REPORTED HER MISSING.

It’s at this point my exhausted brain makes a connection.

Bekah’s mom reported her missing because they hadn’t seen her in months, which means she’s going home because clearly she didn’t take Arie to her hometown.

Arie sits down with the women, clutching a rose ominously as he says some stuff, but I can’t hear him over my yawning. He gives Kendall the first rose. Then Arie takes Tia and Bekah M to dinner (where they aren’t allowed to eat).

Immediately after sitting down, Arie asks Tia to talk with him. She takes a fortifying sip of wine. She tells Arie that she’s still falling in love with him.

Then Arie talks with Bekah. GOD THIS IS SO TEDIOUS.

So then both women are sitting at a table with Arie and he picks up the rose and they both look at it like it’s their key to freedom, which makes me realize that neither of them wants it probably.

Due to my keen detective work, we already know the rose goes to Tia.

Arie asks Bekah M, “Can I walk you home?”

BACK TO THE UNITED STATES?

Once Bekah M gets into the Limo of Tears she starts sobbing and I feel genuinely bad for her. Rejection hurts.

So finally I can go to sleep.

Did you see tonight’s episode? What do you think about Bekah M going home?