Elyse Watches The Bachelor–Episode 4: Arie and Antihistamines

I’m back from a weeklong vacation and I’m not easing myself back into real life. Nope, my sunburn has reached that super itchy stage, my cat slept on my face last night so I can never leave him again ever, I drove home in an ice storm tonight, and I’m watching The Bachelor so you don’t have to.

Last week Sarah and Amanda rolled fortitude saves to see if they could make it through two hours of Arie noisily kissing women, and I’m kind of vindicated that it took two Bitches to handle my Monday night workload. I feel like a badass.

Anyway, did I watch last week’s episode to prepare for tonight? No. Will that impair my understanding of what’s going on? Nope.

I flip on the TV to Chris Harrison saying, “It’s all coming up tonight on The Bachelor” and from the kitchen my husband makes a sound not unlike the cat makes right before he vomits.

The episode opens up with the women snuggling on the couch in comfy sweaters and sweatshirts. Then Chris Harrison appears to fuck everything up and says, “It’s hard to believe there’s only fifteen of you left.” I feel like Chris might be the bastard son of The Count from Sesame Street and he has a compulsion to count things that he can’t control.

Anyway, Chris tells them it’s travel time–the whole reason people go on this show to begin with. The fifteen women (THANKS CHRIS) are on their way Tahoe.

We get a shot of Arie standing on a cliff, looking into the distance, musing about his romantic journey. Honestly, my sunburn is so itchy that I was going to take some Benedryl, but 30 seconds of listening to Arie’s thoughts has made me too drowsy. I gotta stay awake for this shit.  Do not combine Arie Luyendyk, Jr. with antihistamines.

Seinne gets the first one-on-one date in Tahoe where they go parasailing over the lake. After they sip champagne and Arie breaks all the rules by eating what appears to be a cracker.

I’d like to imagine there’s some kind of epic show down with a production assistant over this.

“I JUST WENT PARASAILING AND I’LL EAT A FUCKING CRACKER IF I WANT TO, JANET!”

Except I don’t think Arie uses foul language (he’d call them swears).

Then it’s noisy kissing time. Gross.

Cut back the lodge/chalet/mountain McMansion where they women are staying. Maquel’s mother calls her and tells her that her grandfather passed away. Because they are a bunch of heartless motherfuckers, ABC records Maquel’s reaction. It was not an expected passing, and Maquel is understandably shocked. She decides to go home.

Cut back to Arie and Seinne. Seinne admits that she’s guarded when it comes to relationships due to her parent’s marital issues. She also reflects, “In addition that, I’m a black female, and they don’t tell a lot of stories about girls like me having a fairytale ending.”

Seinne tells Arie over dinner, “Growing up in the US, you don’t see love stories that have girls that look like me. I didn’t have something to look at and say, ‘oh that could be my story.'” She adds, “I am great, but there are other girls, who, this love story looks more appropriate for them.”

I feel like the fact that a woman of color would feel comfortable addressing issues of race, identity and romance on camera is a hopeful sign that there’s room for this kind of dialogue on mainstream TV. That said, I’m giving Seinne all the credit here. ABC has shown repeatedly that they handle issues of race and interracial dating incredibly poorly, and honestly, a big part of me was surprised that they didn’t cut out her commentary.

Arie gives Seinne a rose and then they walk out of the restaurant and directly into a country music concert that just happens to be happening right there! What a coincidence!

Then it’s time for the group date! “I have a really cool day planned,” says Arie who didn’t plan jack shit.

First up is a hike in the forest where they stumble upon a couple waiting for them among the trees. In like every other book I’ve read, this is when shit gets weird and a murder happens, but this is The Bachelor and the only murder that it’s going to happen is in my imagination.

The couple, Ruth and Mykel, are there to teach the women wilderness survival and equate these skills to what you need to survive a relationship. I’ve been married for twelve years now and I’ve applied exactly zero wilderness survival skills to my relationship. “This fire is like my love for you, painstakingly kindled with two dry twigs over a matter of hours. I hope it keeps the wolves at bay.” I hope that line shows up in a Taylor Swift song.

Anyway, Mykel talks about water being scarce and how everyone might have drink their own pee. They all get a canister to pee in, including Arie. He immediately takes a swig out of his canister which we all know is filled with water.

Jacqueline shrugs and lifts up her bottle to take a swig like “NBD, urine is sterile, y’all” but Arie stops her and tells her that his bottle was filled with apple juice. Oh Arie, you loveable scamp who almost made twelve women drink their own bodily fluids.

If this became an actual survival situation, those women would kill Arie and have him roasting over a fire right now. You know who walks out of the woods at the end of the day, and it ain’t him.

“I’d drink my pee for Arie,” says Jenna.

For the record, I’d drink my pee to not have to interact with Arie.

Next up, they eat some bugs. Kendall wolfs down a worm like it’s nobody’s business. Then Arie pulls her aside and kisses her. Yum.

Ruth and Mykel tell the group that they now know everything they need to in order to survive. Drinking pee and eating worms is pretty shitty survival training. That’s shit nine-year-old boys dare each other to do for fun. What about heat? Signaling for help? Carving your own arm off 127 Hours style? They split the women into three groups, give them compasses and maps, and send them out into the woods to find their way to a hot tub and champagne.

I’d like to take this opportunity to be crotchety and upper Midwestern. Ruth and Mykel act like death is imminent. There’s a light snow falling. In Wisconsin that’s not even jacket weather. Ruth mentions black bears. Black bears aren’t going to bother you unless you fuck with their cubs. These women just ate worms for nothing. I walked the garbage out earlier and the weather was like 600% more dire and they won’t even cancel school tomorrow.

To be fair, my ability to live in warmer climates is pretty much zero, hence my incredibly itchy sunburn.

Krystal is frustrated with the lack of one-on-one time with Arie and wonders how, at thirty, she wound up in a hot tub with a bunch of women competing for a dude. You like…you signed up for it, Krystal. You had to sign papers and shit.

I would also like to point that I still have an hour of this show left, and I’m so itchy I want to claw my skin off, BUT I CAN’T TAKE ANY BENEDRYL because Benedryl + Arie = coma and death.

Argh.

Arie and one of the Laurens talk about how Arie wants an equal, dynamic relationship and–FUCK IT. I’m taking the Benedryl.

There’s some “drama” where Krystal complains about how much time Arie is spending with the other women and how people are being pushy.

Krystal nabs Arie and is telling him about how hard this is for her but she’s muttering and her voice is so quiet you can barely hear it. Arie looks like he’s trying as hard as I am to stay awake.

“I just weighs on me [incoherent muttering and sighing]. I just feel [more soft vowel sounds],” says Krystal.

Arie blinks sleepily, “Yeah? Like what’s um, like what some, like what are some things that are going on?” he asks.

“Shfshshffshsnnnh,” says Krystal. “And like, you put your arm around me, and like mnhmmmmnhm.”

Jesus. Did everyone take Benedryl?

There is honestly a seven minute segment where I understand nothing that is being said.

“Why is she making gurgling sounds?” asks my husband.

Krystal pulls Tia and Caroline apart and calls them out for making fun of how Arie was sitting with his arm around her in the hot tub. For the record, I thought they were goofing off and didn’t see anything malicious in it.

I’m waiting for the “I didn’t come here to make friends” line, but it doesn’t happen.

Arie gives Tia the group date rose.

Then there’s a commercial and I’m all like:

Bekah M has the next solo date. They go horseback riding, then back to the ubiquitous hot tub with champagne.

Amid the noisy hot tub kissing, we cut back to the other women in the Mountain McMansion wondering if Arie knows that Bekah is only–GASP!–twenty-two.

That’s a fourteen year age difference.

For the record, I’m twelve years younger than my husband, and look at us now, watching The Bachelor is marital bliss.

During dinner, which they’re not allowed to eat, Arie is clearly being fed lines by the producers. He asks Bekah if she’s ready for marriage, reflects on how (at the ripe old age of 36) life has slowed down for him.

“Like, do you like to like, still go out a lot, and do you still like… I don’t know, I’m just like, I feel like I’ve just become a little bit more boring,” he says.

Dude, you are the walking personification of Unisom. Doctors don’t recommend operating heavy machinery in the presence of Arie. Arie is not to be consumed with alcohol as drowsiness may occur. You are the mellow Matthew McConaughey has been searching for.

I’m hanging on by a thread here.

I’d like to point out that I’ve noticed that Arie’s eyes are super glassy a lot of the time making me wonder, seriously, how much he’s drinking.

Then Bekah tells Arie she’s twenty-two and he’s can’t believe it! Sure.

Maybe she’s not ready for marriage, he thinks. As opposed to all of the other women who signed up for a group romance with a complete stranger you mean?

Arie says, “I’m thinking you’re not ready.”

“Why would you think that?” she asks.

“You’re twenty-two years old,” he says.

During this entire exchange he’s holding onto the sides of her head like he’s trying to mind meld, I’m pretty sure they’re both shitfaced.

Then in an exchange that made me burst out laughing:

Arie says, “My biggest fear is that I go through all this, and I emotionally invest in you, and then at the end, I’m like heartbroken.”

Bekah whispers, “Would it be worth it, if that did happen?”

“No!” Arie exclaims, “Because I need a wife!”

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

“I feel so much right now,” Arie says, clutching a rose. “I’m 36, you’re 22. That terrifies me.”

Cool story, Arie. Clowns terrify me.

Oh wait, he’s still talking. “But I really, really feel connected to you. You’re incredible and surprising and so much of what I’m looking for.”

He gives Bekah the rose and then continues to creepily hold her face.

He mutters something that I think is, “I’m looking at your hair.”

There’s a commercial break and fifteen minutes left to go. I slam some water and do a couple of jumping jacks to keep from slipping into a coma.

It’s time for the pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party.

Krystal talks about seizing moments, and I literally lie down on the floor with my blanket.

Rich is ranting about Arie being a douche about the whole age thing, but I’m past that. Just leave me here to die, Rich. I’ve got maybe two hundred words left in me.

Dewey comes over and starts making biscuits on my face.

Chris Harrison appears amid the faint odor of sulfur and tells the women that Arie has made up his mind and there will be no cocktail party. Fuck you Chris, we want our free booze.

“To say they were shocked and dismayed was an understatement,” Chris whispers to Arie.

Well no shit, they’d been waiting for the hard liquor to come out. It’s G&T time, fucker.

Then it’s time. The women stand on those platforms that they used during middle school choir concerts and dramatic music plays.

Then–GASP!–Krystal asks Arie to wait and to speak to him privately. THE ROSE GOD WILL BE MOST DISPLEASED KRYSTAL. HE DOES NOT ABIDE INTERUPTIONS.

All of the other women sit down on the floor, not even remotely giving a shit about their fancy dresses.

Krystal goes back to whisper mumbling to Arie and, I am not making this up, the microphones are working so hard to pick up her voice that you hear the wind howling outside the lodge.

I think Krystal is telling Arie that she’s here for him and not to play games, etc, but it’s impossible to make out. Arie looks like he wants to ask her to “talk into his good ear.”

Okay. Then FINALLY we get The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. The dramatic music starts up again.

When Becca K gets a rose she says, “Sorry, I’m like all sweaty right now” and I snort water up my nose.

Krystal, Brittany and Caroline are left vying for the final rose.

Chris Harrison appears to tell us that there’s one rose left.

I KNOW CHRIS, I JUST SAID THAT.

Arie gives Krystal the final rose because of course he does. They have to keep the drama going.

Thank fuck that’s over. I’m going to smear myself with aloe and sleep for seven hours.

Did you watch tonight’s episode? What do you think of Krystal staying?