Elyse Watches The Bachelor: Season 22 Preview

It’s that time of year, when the world falls in love. And when ABC tries to convince the world that 30 successful, attractive, interesting women have resorted to going on reality television to find their soulmate.

Last season I laid out my theory: ain’t nobody here to win The Bachelor. The Bachelor is the shittiest prize of them all.

No, the point of this show is to meet other amazing women, travel the globe on ABC’s dime, eat a fuckton of sushi and drink a barrel of white wine, and then be “sent home” before you have to commit to some guy who Chris Harrison lets out of the Rose God’s lair every night.

I’m here for the ladies. 100%.

Now, before we start this season with ABC’s “Meet the Bachelor” preview, I need to address two things:

1. I was disgusted by how ABC handled last season’s Bachelorette. They hyped up racism and tension in a way that amplified the unacceptable behavior of one cast member (Lee), when he should have been called out for being a waste of skin and sent home immediately.
2. My new dosage of fibro medication does not particularly agree with liquor, especially not on a weeknight. So, to preserve my job and health, I am doing this sober. You heard me right. Stone. Cold. Sober.  I did take a muscle relaxer tonight, though, so….

Anyway. It’s time for the show! Preview! Whatever the fuck this is!

So this season’s Bachelor is a guy named Arie Luyendyk, Jr., and when he was announced a whole bunch of people on Twitter went “who?”

Arie was on Emily’s season of The Bachelorette, and frankly, he doesn’t look thrilled to be back with the franchise.

Is it just me or does this guy look like someone tried to Stepford Wives Javier Bardem?

Using the last of the energy he siphoned from The Bachelorette’s cast offs, Chris Harrison appears to introduce us to this season (which he calls the most romantic ever) before slinking off to prepare the eldritch chamber where he feasts upon souls.

Because poking at old wounds with your ex is totally the way to start yourself off on a journey toward new love, the episode starts with a clip of Chris interviewing Emily and Arie. Emily broke up with Arie and allegedly broke his heart. He responded by (and I shit you not) going to her house to give her his journal so she could see how much he loved her.

Dude, when a woman breaks up with you she doesn’t want you to show up at her fucking house holding your Lisa Frank notebook that you doodled in with gel pens. She literally never wants to see you again. Handing her a diary of your deep, personal thoughts is the exact opposite of what she wants.

Also what year is this? Are you trying to impress her with your fucking penmanship?

Emily admits to Chris that she never read the journal, which clearly crushes Arie as he had all his sweet Riverdale/ Harry Potter AU fanfic in there.

Also because they hate us, ABC is advertising the season premiere as airing Janu-Arie first.

Fuck you, ABC.

So now that Arie’s public humiliation has been re-aired, it’s time to check in and see how he’s doing with his shame and regrets.

We learn that Arie is a racecar driver and also works in real estate. I know nothing about cars, racing or otherwise. To put in perspective how little I know about cars, a friend recently told me that her stepdaughter got a car and I asked, “Cool, what kind?”

She replied, “Silver.”

Because she knows me.

Arie’s dad, Arie Sr, shows up to point out what a huge disappointment his son is. “Our son Alec was married this year, and it’s been great to have a kid that’s married. That really made me happy.”

Unlike Arie. Who just wants to write in his fucking sadness journal, ok?

So then we get to meet a few of this season’s contestants.

One of the women, Bekah, is a nanny and rock climber. I assume she took up rock climbing in an effort to escape the children she’s in charge of. She also has a super adorable haircut.

There’s Marikh, who owns a restaurant with her mother in Salt Lake City and knows how to box. We meet Caroline who sold over $5 million in houses during her first year in real estate.

These women are amazing.

In case you’re wondering, we check in on Rachel and…that guy she picked on last season’s Bachelorette. They’re living in Dallas, but no news yet on a wedding. Because there won’t be one. Calling it now.

Then finally it’s back to Arie and a quick preview of his season. They cut to a shot of Arie walking up a sand dune in a desert, dressed in a suit, while dramatic music plays in the background.

I… what? Why are you in the desert? WHY ARE YOU IN THE DESERT IN A SUIT? You’re gonna die, dude.

Apparently when dudes haz a sad, they need to traverse an arid landscape in a designer menswear. It makes as much sense as a perfume commercial. (Sarah: “Or that commercial with a well-tailored Matthew McConaughey leaping backwards into a pool.”)

At one point Arie says, “I’ve had my heart ripped open, and I don’t know how this is going to end. ”

Well, probably with death if your heart is ripped open.

And that’s that. My husband, who has been reading comics next to me as I watch, asked me, “So what do you think?”

I think its going to be a shitshow.

See you all Janu-Arie first…