Cover Snark: He’s Just Got the One Dollar

It’s Monday! Cover Snark day! Most of these covers have shirtless, headless dudes on them, so be careful with others around!

Promises of the Heart by M.L. Ray. A cowboy wearing a bright red shirt has a woman cornered against a barn. He has a twig or flower in his mouth that makes it look like he has a forked tongue.

From Carole: Ok did a double take on this one…is he a snake shifter with forked floral tongue?

Don’t expect a kiss if you’ve been chewing on that, cowboy!

Sarah: She does not look impressed. She looks more like she’s .04 seconds away from shoving those flowers up his nose.

Amanda: It looks like she’s trying so hard not to laugh at his dumb moves.

CarrieS: Dudes, if you try to use your arm to block my exit, I will hurt you in so many ways, steal your hat, and stick those jaunty flowers where the sun don’t shine. Personal space.

Elyse: If your “smooth moves” involve handing women stuff with your mouth, you better be a Golden Retriever.

Donovan by Jillian Quinn. A naked dude standing in a skating rink with a hockey skate covering his bits and bobs.

From Ann-Marie: I don’t think anyone really wants the blade of a hockey skate this close to their… stick…

Sarah: Forget icing – are there penalties for slicing?

CarrieS: On the erotic side – I bet that shoe smells awful. Please do not court me with sports shoes.

Sarah: My neighbor’s sister has a bunch of kids who all play ice hockey. She tells us stories about the equipment stink when they all come home from practice.

His left nipple (well, his right, my left) looks sad. I wonder if it knows how sharp hockey blades are?

Amanda: I have a hard time believing he has ANY body hair.

Sarah: His hand is hairy.

Actually both forearms are quite hairy.

Redheadedgirl: His forearms are scrawny.

Sarah: So he skipped arm day. And leg day. but not ab day.

Redheadedgirl: And not wax day.

Amanda: The lack of pubic hair I think is what startles me. Like there’s no way to get that clean of a shave. He has to wax that.

Elyse: His penis is going to get stuck to that cold blade. Then it’s nothing but tears.

Ball Peen Hammer by Lauren Rowe. A shirtless dude wearing a necklace with a hammer pendant and a dollar tucked into the waistband of his jeans.

Amanda: So Ball Peen Hammer is the guy’s stripper name.

Which I think is way too long for a stripper name.

Redheadedgirl: …

Bro

BRO

Sarah: Genus: BRO. Species: BRO.

Amanda: Why not just “hammer” Why does it have to be so specific?

Sarah: Because peen.

Beavis of Beavis and Butthead headbanging

Amanda: But isn’t his necklace a sledge hammer?

Isn’t not even a ball peen!

Elyse: He must not be a great stripper because he just got the one dollar.

Amanda: “Just got the one dollar.” I’m dying.

I wonder if that’s the first stripping dollar he earned and now he’s going to frame it.

Elyse: Lol!!

Like if you only get one dollar, you know someone felt bad for you.

Amanda: Well…I guess it’s better than a roll of pennies.

Elyse: He has an old soup can that women can toss their loose change in

Things have gotten tough since he had to start using Coinstar.

CarrieS: Regarding Ball Peen, I can only add this…

Actor Nathan Fillion telling Neil Patrick Harris that the hammer is his penis

Taken by the MC by Devyn Douglas. A tattooed man looking down at a blonde woman.

Elyse: Hammer time!

A gif of MC Hammer dancing

Sarah: The Master…of Ceremonies. Is coming. In – I’m going to stop now.

Amanda: Part of his chest tattoo reads “Vida Loca,” which brings to mind Ricky Martin. I hope the hero is a fan.

 

Comments are Closed

  1. Ren Benton says:

    Thank you for leaving snark material for the rest of us.

    The motorcycle gang is the PENETRATORS (since it’s only Part 1, shouldn’t the title be Just the Tip?), and his exposed nipple looks like a slug is emerging from his chest.

    Hockey guy concerns me the most, though. Never mind his scrawny arms — no hockey player I’ve ever seen has those emaciated thighs. Being in nonstop motion on ice hours every day is no joke for the quads and glutes. You know the pubes are gone because there’s no other reason to take off the happy trail. That’s a crucial navigational instrument, but it looks silly in isolation, so rrrrrriiipppppp! And as for his penis getting stuck on the cold blade… what penis? Unless it’s so bitterly frigid his dangly bits retracted into his pelvis like the cord on a vacuum cleaner or a major plot point is that he’s not well endowed, they were a casualty of the waxing, too, because that skate doesn’t leave much room for imagination.

  2. Carol S says:

    Peeny McStripperson has incredibly light-catching nipples. Perhaps they were created by Thomas Kincaid Painter of Light?

  3. Hopefulpuffin says:

    @Carol S. Thomas Kincaid! Bwahahaha.

  4. Liga says:

    Wow! I know the couple on the cover of the last book, they are actually married. Fitness models. This is kinda strange because those people on covers never seem real, healdless torsos, bits and etc.

  5. lunchable says:

    As someone who has an affinity for hammers, thank you, Amanda, for pointing out the ball peen/sledge discrepancy. Also, I want that necklace.

    I choose to believe that Ball Peen has a bunch of sequel-bait friends, and they’re all part of a greater, hammer-themed strip troupe. There’s:

    -Ball Peen: The “average joe” of the group. Nothing special upon first glance, but can probably fix your car and make you those custom closet shelves you’ve always dreamed of.

    -Claw: The “dangerous” one. Has lots of tattoos and/or piercings. Probably dyes his hair black.

    -Sledge: The “big” one. 6’8″ and built like a semi-truck. Unlike Mr. Hockey up there, never skips leg day.

    -Chasing: The “geeky” one. May or may not be into steampunk. May or may not use a Super Nintendo controller in his routine.

    -Planishing: The “posh” one. Demands that the dollar bills you throw at him be as crisp as the suit he strips off.

  6. Amanda says:

    @Lunchable: YESSS!! I would read those sequels in a heartbeat.

  7. LauraL says:

    The pardner on the first cover just might be an “all hat, no horse” cowboy. No one told him he should go a-courting with a hay stem, not buttercups.

  8. Sara H says:

    I swear, I have been waiting years for someone to use ball peen hammer as innuendo.

  9. harthad says:

    I’m reasonably sure the scrawny, hairy (aka normal) arms and thighs on the hockey dude have never even met the torso, except maybe in their dreams. They definitely don’t use the same spray tanning product as Torso.

  10. Cameron says:

    Has the cowboy’s terrible buttercup photoshop been addressed? It’s not *quite* in his mouth, which is also making the wrong face for “I’m chawing some wildlife in a seductive way, babe.”

  11. The PENETRATORS?! Seriously? I can’t decide whether that or “Ball Peen Hammer” is worse. If someone writes “This Book Has Dicks In It” I won’t be surprised.

    Also, I approve of a stripper routine with a Super Nintendo controller in it. I’d tip more than that one lonely dollar.

  12. liza says:

    @lunchable OMG

  13. Ren Benton says:

    I would like an ARC of “This Book Has Dicks In It,” please.

  14. Judith says:

    I bought “Ball Peen Hammer” when it was on sale a little while ago and I really liked it. It’s raunchy, funny and even a little bit sweet here and there.

  15. chacha1 says:

    this is some high-quality snark right here. LOL

  16. Susan says:

    @harthad: Ew. Now I’m thinking of Frankentorso.

  17. Carol S says:

    @lunchable please tell me there’s one about Mallet? and please tell me he has a mullet?

  18. Louise says:

    @harthad:
    My thought about the thighs exactly. In fact if it weren’t for the fur I’d have guessed they were a woman’s thighs, based on the spacing between them. Explanation B is that it’s the lower half of some other guy’s thighs and the photoshop artist hoped nobody would look past the title and the skate.

    And, incidentally, speaking of that skate–is he holding his left skate in his right hand? The angle makes no sense otherwise. Did a female reporter walk into the dressing room unannounced, and he had to grab something to cover himself?

  19. Louise says:

    For “dressing room” read “locker room”. Brain fart.

  20. lunchable says:

    @Carol S

    Rubber: The “goofy” one. Somehow manages to 1.) strip while juggling, and 2.) make unicycle-riding sexy. Prefers to be called a “mallet” rather than a “hammer,” and yes, has occasionally been known to wear one of those mullet caps when performing.

    (Just for you.) 😉

  21. Kiri says:

    Peen Hammer *snicker* Peen Hammer! Hahahahahaha

  22. Christine says:

    “Ball peen hammer” evokes “rock, paper, scissors” for me, for some reason. Maybe the guy lost a testicle and now offers his dates this catalogue of his attributes.

  23. Mara says:

    Ok can I just say thank you, Judith! I would never in a million years have tried it, but your comment made me curious. Ball Peen Hammer is on KU, so with no monetary commitment, I downloaded it. I’m about 20% in and I think it’s pretty freakin hilarious. The hero and his best friend remind me of my guy friends from school, equal parts hilarious and revolting. It’s making me laugh and better than a bunch of other samples I’ve tried lately. Try it ha!

  24. Zyva says:

    Re ice skate as fig leaf…I have many modesty pouch questions…Well, I had questions until I started having visions in high-vis (green screen?) and Kevlar. Once I started picturing an ensemble cast historical featuring ancient peoples who attacked naked, I decided that was enough blades and bits.

    Re ball-peen hammer. I am so thrilled to see Tom Wolfe didn’t succeed in ruining the sex appeal of peening (?) for Americans. The Bad Sex in Fiction award is for the British, after all.

    Re the MC. I think the tattoo says “Mí Vida Loca”. Whether what the guy calls “my” (his) vida loca is the same as Ricky Martin’s “la vida loca” is anyone’s guess.

  25. maddbookish says:

    Are “The Penetrators” a Chicano gang? Just wondering why else one of their members would have “Mi Vida Loca” tattooed on their chest.

  26. Moni says:

    Am I the only one who thought that Buttercup Cowboi looks like her dad?

  27. LisaJo885 says:

    In case you wanted to compare, these are what naked pro hockey bodies look like. Bless their hearts. http://www.espn.com/espn/feature/story/_/page/body/espn-body-issue-2017#!athletes_brentburnsandjoethornton

  28. CairnEastofEden says:

    Love how the Virgin Mary in his shoulder tat is sadly gazing down at the girl on the cover of “Taken by the MC”. Her eyes are saying “You can do better, Chica”

Comments are closed.

By posting a comment, you consent to have your personally identifiable information collected and used in accordance with our privacy policy.

↑ Back to Top