Elyse Watches The Bachelorette – Episode One: Who the Fuck are These Guys?

Elyse Watches The Bachelorette with Kraken Rum and Coke with a big rose at the bottom It’s that time of year again…the season I like to call “Hangover Tuesdays,” when I get drunk on Monday night and watch The Bachelor for your entertainment.

This time around it’s The Bachelorette.

After thirteen seasons of this shit,  ABC finally got their act together and gave us a Bachelorette, Rachel Lindsay, who is a woman of color.

Slow clapping it out for you, ABC.

Rachel is 31, a civil litigation attorney, and hails from Dallas, TX. She “won” last season’s The Bachelor (IMO) by exiting late enough to land her own show, but before having to take home Nick Viall, the dude who doesn’t know how couches work.

It’s okay Nick. Furniture is hard.

Rachel Lindsay clutches a bouquet of red roses and grins at the camera.

Now Rachel gets to select from 31 eligible dudes in order to find her one true love on reality TV.

I’ll be honest. I’m all about romance, but if this ends with Rachel dismissing all these guys, wine glass in hand, like Cersei Lannister eyeing the Iron Throne, I will be okay with that.

Cersei Lannister says Every breath you draw in my presence annoys me.

Also, think about this for a second: I learned from the podcast with Leah and Bea of The Ripped Bodice, that the contestants on The Bachelor/ The Bachelorette are not allowed entertainment in the McMansion (to up the drama). No TV. No video games. No internet. No books. No magazines. For weeks.

Thirty-one guys in a mansion with zero entertainment.

Can you imagine the sheer amount of masturbation that must be going in the house?

I wouldn’t touch anything.

“Why are we out of hot water again? Why does everyone keep taking showers?”

Anyway, I’ve poured myself a generous Kraken rum and Coke, and I’m ready to watch all the delicious  WTFery.

A giant bottle of Kraken rum, a small bottle of Coke Zero, and my drink sit on my kitchen counter.

Now, the first episode of the season is basically “Dudes get out of a limo and try to make a lasting impression on The Bachelorette.” It’s super awkward. At least one of them will fuck it up epically.

In the opening package, we meet the first real douchebag. His name is Blake. Blake is a personal trainer who talks a lot about his testosterone, sexual experience, and penis. Blake will clearly be responsible for 90% of the masturbation in the McMansion.  Blake might be responsible for 90% of all masturbation, period.  The real love story here is Blake and his penis, okay?

In total contrast is Josiah who was inspired to become a state prosecutor after his brother’s suicide. He describes his struggle after his brother’s death, and how is disillusionment landed him in juvenile court where he turned his life around.

Once the opening package is over, we cut to LA. Rachel stands outside the McMansion, wearing a gorgeous white and silver gown, and prepares to meet her suitors.

In the limo the dudes share their excitement. “This could be your future wife you’re meeting for the first time!”

 

Josiah is the second out of the limo and is totally charming. “I am convinced that, by the end of our experience together, you will have no reasonable doubt.”

Josiah's headshot for the show.
Josiah. I think I had that same backdrop at Picture Day 1993

Then there’s the guy who dressed up like Steve Urkel. Complete with “Did I do that?’

Way to throw back to the OG TGIF, dude.

Let’s not forget Dean, the guy who met Rachel on the After the Rose special who said “I’m ready to go black, and I’ll never go back.”

Yeah.

Dean is an idiot.

Dean is posing with his hands under his chin, arms extending like wings.
Dean. Need I say more?

Just when Rachel looks like she’s going to scurry away for a much needed pee-break, a marching band shows up. Hey! It’s Blake E! Masturbation guy! He’s playing a snare drum which makes sense as I assume he has tons of forearm strength. At least in his right arm.

Upping the ante on the awful factor is Bryce. Although it doesn’t come out in the show, Bryce filled out his ABC bio as follows:

Biggest Dating Fear: The chick is actually a dude.

Nothing like a little transphobia to ruin your Monday and make you pour another a drink.

Despite the fact that they published it, ABC immediately jumped all over the comment with “does not reflect the views of ABC” etc etc.

Fuck you, Bryce.

Fuck. You.

Bryce holds Rachel in his arms.
Bryce. Fuck this guy.

Then there’s Adam. Adam shows up with what appears to be a marionette of himself, thereby fueling my nightmares for years to come. WTF dude.

WHO THOUGHT BRINGING A PUPPET TO A FIRST DATE IS A GOOD IDEA? DID YOU RUN THAT IDEA BY YOUR SERIAL KILLER FRIENDS?

I READ A LOT OF MURDER SHIT AND I HAVE LEGIT GOOSEBUMPS.

One guy showed up dressed like a penguin and it was way less weird than the puppet. I tried finding pictures of Adam and his marionette but apparently IT’S TOO CREEPY FOR THE FUCKING INTERNET.

Some guy dressed up like a penguin

Then we meet the guy who will clearly be the “crazy” one. Whaboom. Lucas. A guy who likes to shake his head back and forth as fast as he can while screaming “WHHHHAAAABOOOM.” Lucas has clearly done some brain damage to himself through this process. I don’t think you’re supposed do that with your head, dude. Google coup contrecoup injury for chrissake.

He even wears a shirt with a picture of his face and #whaboom printed on it.

This man desperately needs to be punched in the face.

Desperately.

(Note from Sarah: the still image for the above video is so perfect I had to screencap it for my own joy and amusement:)

The Bachelorette looking at Whaboom Dude with a blantant Are You Kidding Me expression on her face?

After all the men arrive, Chris Harrison – who has been cursed by an evil wizard to live in the McMansion and count roses forever – checks in on Rachel. His face is all smiles but his eyes say, “Release me from this curse…”

Rachel doesn’t pick up on Chris’s desperate plea for help and grabs some champagne. Chris goes to the rose bushes to weep.

The cocktail party portion of the evening seems fairly chill. Rachel has some one-on-one time with most of the guys. My favorite question? “Backstreet Boys or N’Sync?”

 

Rachel talks to...IDK even know who it is. One of the dues.
Which dude is this? It’s not marionette dude or whaboom dude, but whatever. IDK who that is.

Now, most of the focus seems to be on the CREEPY FUCKING PUPPET. You can see the dudes plotting to burn him and release his demonic soul to hell.

“Is he always going to be around?” Rachel asks, horrified.

BURN IT.

BURN IT NOW.

I HAVE SEEN THIS MOVIE.

Then Chris Harrison, cheeks mascara stained, drops the “first impression rose” on the table.

WHO WILL WIN THE FIRST ROSE?

Call me cynical, but I’m guessing it’s not the dude with the puppet who is clearly possessed by Satan.

The competition for Rachel’s time is fierce. Men interrupt each other. They try to push each other out of the way with testosterone. I can smell the Axe Bodyspray from here.

This is why I can’t be The Bachelorette. I’d be all, “WHICH ONE OF YOU CAN SHUT THE FUCK UP THE LONGEST? FINE. YOU GET THE ROSE.”

Then someone gives the Whaboom guy a megaphone and it’s a shitshow. All control is lost. Somewhere a producer is dry swallowing Xanax. Every other contestant hates the Whaboom guy.

Another guy is randomly pushing a vacuum around. I am not kidding.

If I was Rachel, I’d cry.

Actually if I was Rachel I’d sit with my feet in the pool reading Defy the Stars and ignoring everyone, which is why I’ll never be cast on reality TV.

“This week on Introvert… Can Elyse spend nine hours in total silence emerging only to make herself toast and then take a nap? Tune in and see!”

The Whaboom guy.
More Whaboom guy. I hate this guy.

Rachel gives the “first impression rose” to Bryan, a chiropractor from Miami, FL who stole a kiss.

Finally, FINALLY it’s time for the Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Chris Harrison appears, a glass of champagne in his hand. His eyes reflect the sadness of a man trapped in a fairytale world, a man who cannot escape this beautiful, LA prison.

My husband offers, “Straight up keep the penguin guy, but Whaboom has to go.”

Dewey runs to the litterbox.

I’m like three rum and Cokes in. My tongue is numb.

During the ceremony one of the dudes, Diggy, reflects, “You need that rose. You can’t live without it.”

HOLY SHIT HAVE YOU BEEN CURSED TOO?

The Penguin gets a rose. Josiah gets a rose. Diggy gets a rose (thereby escaping his curse). THE GUY WITH THE FUCKING PUPPET GETS A ROSE.

Chris Harrison shows up to tell us we have one rose left.

THANKS CHRIS!

Then, for reasons no one except the producers understand, Rachel gives the final rose to Whaboom.

Ugh.

Rachel with the entire cast of the Bachelorette

 

So what did you think of tonight’s episode of The Bachelorette? Will you be tuning in this season?

Comments are Closed

  1. Liv says:

    Oh my goodness I’m so glad the recaps are back!

    (Also, I would totally watch “Introvert.”)

  2. JWS says:

    I have no desire to watch this show, tried to watch it once and couldn’t make it through a whole episode, but I will gladly read your recaps. I guess the way to make it through an entire episode is plenty of alcohol. Good to know you are willing to take one for the team.

  3. Melanie says:

    I don’t even need to pay attention to the show because your recaps are the best! And I would totally try out for Introvert!

    Wait…do I have to leave the house? Maybe not…

  4. Ren Benton says:

    “WHICH ONE OF YOU CAN SHUT THE FUCK UP THE LONGEST? FINE. YOU GET THE ROSE.”

    This is so me. If there was a guy who made a little noise but was cologne-free while quiet guy stank, they could duke it out to win my love, but the show would be over in ten minutes if one guy was quiet AND stench-free.

    Is someone showing up as a furry a Bach staple, or did The Penguin just rip off Shark Girl?

    I think the puppet, in a house full of men with nothing to do but masturbate, will end up less like a horror movie and more like a prison movie.

    Hell no I won’t be watching, but I’m putting these recaps on my calendar.

  5. Axik says:

    Never watched either “Bachelor” or “Bachelorette”. First, they don’t really show it here in the sticks and second, I would spend most of it shouting at the TV or glaring with disdain at any real-life humans in my line of view, having lost all faith and respect in humanity.

    My husband and kids did NOT sign up for this.

    But yes, I could see myself watching “Introvert”. Or at least recording it in hopes that I might eventually get around watching it, cause this is how it usually works….

  6. Anonymous says:

    So does poor Chris Harrison also have to abstain from all sorts of entertainment whenever one of these things is filming?

  7. Jennifer says:

    I have never watched The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, and someone I know personally was on the Bachlorette and then went on to be the actual Bachelor and I STILL didn’t watch it! I mean, frankly, who wants to see someone you know acting like an idiot on national TV. ANYWAY, you may have now convinced me to watch an episode, because, OMG! I have GOT to see puppet man and WHABOOM guy!

  8. Kate says:

    OMG, I have to watch this now. Also, will be auditioning for Introvert wearing best baggy sweatpants (the ones without a hole in the butt seam.

  9. Liza S says:

    Also signing up to watch Introvert.

    Thanks, Elyse, for watching this so we don’t have to. I’d need a lot of rum to get through the show, because just the short Whaboom clip had me squirming in discomfort. And it wasn’t just the whaboom but the whole interaction from start to finish. *cringes*

  10. Meg says:

    I just started watching this show with my daughter so we can have a good laugh together. I am genuinely impressed with Rachel. She is a smart, successful, caring young woman (why she is single and on this show is a mystery). All my daughter and I could talk about was the total shit show of men she gets to choose from. I understand they need some nut jobs to create drama but I really think they did her a disservice. Most of these guys were creepy and not worthy of this girl at all. Boo hiss casting department.

  11. C.F. says:

    Pu Erh tea is far too precious to spit and only iron will kept me from doing so at:

    “I wouldn’t touch anything.”

    You’ve done such good in the world, making me laugh so hard today. 🙂

  12. Ren says:

    Thanks for taking one for the team! I still can’t bring myself to watch an actual episode of this, but the recaps are great.

  13. Ren says:

    Just… just one more thing though… I went to look at the ABC bios for those guys, and there’s this guy called Jonathan who listed his profession as “Tickle Monster”. Why had you not informed us, Elyse?? This is brand new information!

  14. Christine S. says:

    OMG. I have tears rolling down my face at work. That was so funny. I have never watched the Bachelor or Bachelorette but I think I may have to start.
    On another note, I think you would love “Married at First Sight”.

  15. Shelia Johnson says:

    I almost never watch this, however, my curiosity was such I couldn’t resist, but your recap is better and much funnier! Really, though, these have got to be the most intense dudes, ever. And, Christ, if they don’t have anything to do, that will be why there is an ass beating every week. As to Whaboom, my daughter said ABC made her keep at least one freak for ratings purposes.

  16. Barb Wismer says:

    Looks like we are all signing p for Introvert! Like I wish I was Swedish so I could catch “Slow TV” – it looks fabulous! Thanks, Elyse, for doing this – so the rest of us don’t have to watch it!

  17. Louise says:

    Looks like we are all signing up for Introvert!
    Didn’t there use to be an actual Fishing Channel that was nothing but hours of guys sitting in a small boat waiting for a bite?

  18. StarlightArcher says:

    Yaaaaassss! The recaps are baaaaack!!! They cover so many sins in this shit show a world we live in. Thanks for taking the hit for the Bitchery, Elyse. We’d buy you a drink, but as a fellow introvert, staying home sounds better. Maybe we could send you a cookie basket and a yarn bouquet? Thanks again, I’ve been looking forward to the return of “The Recaps that I tell to all my friends and they get so confused because I can’t stop laughing as I try to tell them” for a while.

  19. Antipodean Shenanigans says:

    Wahboom guy was clearly a producers’ pick. Otherwise how could she pick him over the hot Marine?!? Come on!

    And at least the penguin dude didn’t think he was dressed as a cormorant or something.

  20. Maureen says:

    While I know that realistically, Rachel is not really looking for love on this show-I still can’t help being horrified at the selection of men described. I don’t watch the show, but read all the recaps, and I think Rachel seems like a woman to be reckoned with.

    That Whaboom guy? Has the kind of face you just want to land a good punch on.

    Remember that clip for animal adoption, where all the women were trying to get the dog to love them, the spoof on The Bachelor? I realized that is a show I would TOTALLY watch. Give me an hour of that!

  21. Maureen says:

    I meant I read all the recaps of The Bachelor, since this show just started!

  22. Theresa says:

    No books for weeks!!! That’s torture. I can’t understand why anyone would want to be on a reality show but adding no books on top of that means this is a group I cannot understand.

    I don’t watch these shows but love your recaps!!!

  23. Theresa says:

    Second comment. Sorry. I think you should live stream your review one night. We can all watch (i.e. Drink) together.

  24. Michelle in Texas says:

    I wouldn’t watch this show for any amount of money. But when I saw the ads for it, I got excited for the recaps!! Thanks for your sacrifice!!

  25. Meg says:

    I can’t stand to watch shows like this — I’ve tried and had to turn them off pretty much immediately — but I LOVE your recaps! Thank you for taking one for the team.

    Question: Does the star (bachelor/bachelorette, not the group) get to be entertained? Like can Rachel go back to a hotel room and read a book at least, even if Facebook is banned?

  26. Kate says:

    I am watching the show I recorded last night and have one burning question: why is Rachel’s dog in a cast??

    (Also deeply suspicious of the Whaboom guy: Woodside is one of the wealthiest suburbs in the Bay Area. Nutty trust fund kid?)

  27. KB says:

    Oh I am so glad the recaps are back!! I made it through about half of this episode before I had to turn it off because it was making me cringe so hard. Clearly I was not drunk enough. Will remedy that issue next week. In the meantime thanks for the great recap!

  28. Emily says:

    Of the thirty plus seasons of the shows (21 seasons of the Bachelor and 12 now 13 seasons of the Bachelorette. thanks, Wikipedia!) there has never been a black lead until now. They had one Latino Bachelor (Juan-Pablo). The contestants have been more diverse, but the lead (who is either the Bachelor or The Bachelorette) is usually white.
    I forgot to watch last night, but I’m disappointed that the duds seem to be standing out.

  29. THANK YOU! I live for these recaps, as they are perfect!
    Now when I stream the premier this weekend I’ll have eyes on the puppet to see if it’s watching anyone in particular–perhaps its next victim if Adam suffers an accident.

  30. Rachel says:

    @19: Aw, I know, I liked the Marine, too! I ended up surprising myself by liking and rooting for the pro-wrestler; WWE is so not my cup of tea anything, but if I didn’t know that about Kenny, if his occupation had been shown as, IDK, a history teacher (no, bad example, history is the best, let’s say a calculus teacher), I would already have him in the final four. As it is, my early favourite is probably Lee the singer/songwriter. I’m not much for country music, but he reminds me of Lindsey from ‘Angel’, so IMO the #1 spot is his to lose.

    Even if I hated every contestant this year, I think I would still be watching every episode, if only for the self-esteem boost. All those “Rachel is so amazing/stunning/smart/badass” comments… I know they’re not actually talking about me, but it’s still rather nice to hear. 😛

    The best part of the episode, though, was anticipating coming to SBTB for the recap. Elyse, I would even read your recaps of WWE episodes (episodes? events? tragicomic farces?), should you decide to take on that burden. That’s not a suggestion, just a mark of how much I enjoy your reviews.

  31. Kristi says:

    Elyse, I’m lighting a candle for your liver. It will have a small silver liver milagro to help get you through this season. I think you’re going to need it. Thank you for your loyal dedication to filtering this special brand of crazy for our consumption. You are brave.

  32. Tina says:

    The one guy I liked was the very first guy she meets. He had a blue plaid jacket. His name was Peter I think. Very handsome and no gimmick, no drama, no sad backstory. Just a refreshingly normal guy.

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