Cover Snark: Wash Your Hands!

It’s Cover Snark time! Thanks to our fabulous readers who submitted these covers.

The Bear's Healing Touch by Bianca D'Arc. A polar bear is sniffing dangerously close to a shirtless man's crotch.

From Bryn: I have to believe you’ve seen this one; but just in case here ya go.

Sarah: It’s not vague about what needs said bear’s healing touch, is it?

Redheadedgirl: I think it’s very unclear.

But it’s his hip flexors, isn’t it?

Carrie: As you all know I like to talk about how I’ve spent quite a bit of time around bears in the Sierras and in Alaska.

And the first rule of dealing with bears…

Sarah: No healing touch?

Redheadedgirl: Did they have a healing touch?

Carrie: Is don’t get your oral sex from bears

Sarah: You’re gonna break my heart.

DAMMIT CARRIE!

Redheadedgirl: I think you made that up.

Elyse: The bear is sniffing his junk to determine if he’s a real romance hero. He needs to smell like pine and leather and horses.

Sarah: Mr Touch needs an SI belt, huh?

And musk. Manly musk. AND CLEAN SWEAT whatever the hell that is.

Elyse: I want a dude who smells like donuts.

Redheadedgirl: Elyse you’d get tired and take a bite out of him but not in a happy fun way.

Carrie: No really. Don’t bother bears right after hibernation or right before (that’s when they are most hungry), don’t get between a mom and her cubs, and NO ORAL SEX.

Sarah: Is that part of the Alaska 101 course that new people from Outside have to take?

Don’t offer bears your manjunk?

Carrie: Of course. Also you have to take it if you go to Kings Canyon National PArk in California. Don’t feed the bears, don’t try to pet the bears, and don’t proposition the bears for oral sex.

Sarah: I feel a little sad for the bears now. That this instruction was necessary speaks to the decay of our society. Or maybe the decay of bears’ healing touches

Carrie: Once we lived in harmony with bears and had much unprotected sex (See: Grimm’s Fairytales). But in these dark times people are expected to keep their privates privates around bears, who view us with suspicion because they know we are just out to steal their berries (not a euphemism).

Sarah: Poor bears. Victims of the kyriarchy.

Elyse: That got weird super fast.
Hungry Boss by Luke Steel. A man is either zipping up or zipping down his fly. I suppose it depends on if you're a glass half full of half empty sort of person.

Sarah: Maybe this guy needs the Bear’s Healing Touch too. Provided by Sandy.

Amanda: Well let’s hope he washes his hands before he gets something to eat.

Elyse: It’s like a toddler telling you he has to pee.

Redheadedgirl: I suppose that’s better than a Hangry Boss.

 

Savage Summer by Constance O'Banyon. A very bright cover with an embracing couple, with tons of neon colored flowers and butterflies.

From Regina: “I love so much about this. The colors, their facial expressions, THOSE BUTTERFLIES!”

Amanda: “Burning passion” during “savage summer” is what I’d like to call the chub rub I get when my thick thighs get sweaty and irritated from touching. Dammit shorts weather!

Carrie: I see someone’s been eating the “special” mushrooms again.

Elyse: it’s actually a horror novel. The butterflies and flowers are carnivorous. It’s a dark book. Super dark.
Tapping the Billionaire by Max Monroe. A man dressed all in white, looking very happy as he sticks his hand in his pants.

From Katharinea: He just looks sooooo happy with what he’s found in his trousers

Redheadedgirl: Like… a maple tree?

Sarah: I doubt he would be smiling for that one.

Carrie: He looks pretty happy tapping himself. Seems like anyone else would be a third wheel.

From Vicki, who also sent us an email about this cover: “Who would ever want to interfere in the relationship between this guy and his right hand? He looks so happy.

Not shaking hands with him EVER.”

Redheadedgirl: I feel like this shorts just don’t look Billionaire-y to me.

Amanda: See, I disagree because I feel like only affluent people can get away with wearing white shorts or pants.

Or they could be underwear, because he sure doesn’t have anything on underneath.

Comments are Closed

  1. Nicola Rose says:

    Haha, the covers are funny enough, your commentary kills me 🙂

  2. My first thought: that is one tiny bear.

    And tailored white bermuda shorts are what I think when I think rich guy shorts.

  3. Hazel says:

    Really fixated on the genitalia, aren’t we? Hungry Boss looks like he may have some burning/irritation there. 🙂

    Does anybody recall a North American literary novel in the 60s/early 70s with a bear? The oral sex was incidental, I thought, but of course, the pre-publication hype was all about inter-species sex. I don’t remember if the bear was on the cover.

  4. Lostshadows says:

    Maybe the last guy is fantasizing about a bear?

  5. Another Kate says:

    @Hazel – are you thinking about Bear by Marian Engel?
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bear_(novel)

  6. Ren Benton says:

    I thought about sending you this one, but then I thought it might just be me who had a hell of a time processing the origin of the hairball he’s nuzzling.

    https://www.amazon.com/Game-Love-Bloom-Remingtons-Book-ebook/dp/B00HZ3PEJC/

    It was like a particularly devious hidden picture puzzle for me. Distract with the shih tzu on his shoulder, equalize all the flesh tones, put that spaghetti T-back right where his armpit crease would be… I’d have failed a timed test to circle the invisible woman.

  7. Ren Benton says:

    @Another Kate: My favorite part of that wiki article is when it describes the topless woman being groped by a bear as a “Harlequin-like paperback cover.”

  8. For one of my college classes, I had to watch a film that included a scene of a woman having sex with, not a bear, but a goat. The rest of the movie was good…somehow…but they just had to throw in THAT SCENE.

  9. MirandaB says:

    Hungry Boss is creepy not sexy. My thought on that cover is that HR should get involved and quite possibly the police.

    @Ren: Everyone needs to wash their hair on that cover.

  10. Elaine A says:

    So, wait, I’m confused. On that last one, is his *ahem* the billionaire? Because it looks to me like the dude’s just following directions.

  11. JWS says:

    I look at The Bear’s Healing Touch and I can picture the designer pulling over the bear, the forest and the abs from the clip art gallery. He struggles with the placement of all the elements, including the title, he or she breaks for lunch, runs out of time and here’s the cover. A crotch sniffing polar bear has a healing touch. Maybe the hero has issues with his penis and the polar bear heals him? Maybe the romance is between the polar bear and the abs?

  12. A man who smells like donuts. And clean sweat. That’s now going to be my gold standard. Thanks, ladies, this was a classic!

  13. Sarah says:

    I like to think Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna have the Savage Summer cover hanging somewhere in their home because there is a mild resemblance.

  14. Cathy says:

    Why is that polar bear in front of a forest background?
    Why is the silouette near “Grizzly Cove” one of a polar bear?
    Is he/she visiting relatives in Grizzly Cove?

    And obviously the bear is attracted to whatever is making the guy shiny everywhere but in the hip area. What does ab and chest oil smell/taste like?

  15. Hope says:

    @ Ren Benton – It’s not just you. That is freaky.

  16. Jean Jambas says:

    Ahahahahahah! The first one really got me laughing out loud. My husband had to ask what was so funny.

  17. A Monday post that just keeps giving — chub rub, man-child needing to pee, and happy man-child needing an intervention from his right hand. Thanks for the laughs, ladies!

  18. I think I’m gonna start collecting all the one-liner quotes from this sight into a massive Tumblr post with credit and links given, but NO context.

    OH!EVEN BETTER! Use* them in a dramatic reading video on my channel. Can you imagine if I acted out, in my serious quote reading voice, some of THESE gems?!?!?!?! CAN YOU?!?!

    “Don’t get your oral sex from bears.” – Carrie
    “I want a dude who smells like donuts.” – Elyse
    “The butterflies and flowers are carnivorous. It’s a dark book. Super dark.” – Elyse

    I can imagine. It’s pure gold and I live for it. And by “live” I mean struggle to obtain oxygen.

    (*Obviously I would never do this without permission, but hey. It’s a thought!)

  19. Hazel says:

    @AnotherKate: Goodness, how could I forget that cover?!! Yep, that’s the one.

  20. JenM says:

    I’ve read Tapping the Billionaire and it’s quite good. The hero is actually a really sweet guy. He’s the head of the company, but actually has scruples and doesn’t take advantage of his position when he gets involved with the heroine who is his Director of Marketing. I picked it up for free and really cringed at that cover, but I’m glad I gave it a chance.

    One of the many reasons I love my Kindle is that it’s much easier to ignore a cheesy cover LOL!

  21. EC Spurlock says:

    That bear is like *Snf snf* “What is that smell? — Oh, it’s you…”

    I think Mr Hungry Boss got his junk stuck in his zipper. Those hands look pretty frantic.

    Oh look, Ron Weasley finally got to bang one of those Beauxbatons girls! She’s even farting butterflies like they did in the movie!

    Mr Billionaire is clearly having just the best time.

  22. chacha1 says:

    OK .. “tapping” and “hungry” … who in HELL thought those were appealing covers? They’re gross! They deserve all the snark and zero sales. Feh.

  23. Ren Benton says:

    Is there a penile equivalent for vagina dentata? Maybe the hungry boss has a “Feed me, Seymour!” situation going on in his pants.

  24. Priscilla says:

    Why is that a polar bear in the forest?

  25. ClaireC says:

    @ Cathy – thank goodness someone else caught the grizzly/polar bear mix up. Although maybe they’re trying to hint at bear hybridization and the next book will feature a pizzly bear?

    All of this fixation on trouser snakes – is there a male equivalent to Summer’s Eve that they need to look into?

    Oh, the fuchsia of the Savage Summer! And the heroine who is doing some really great emoting while lip synching.

  26. Gloriamarie says:

    The Bear’s Healing Touch: Is anyone else concerned that he evidently shifts from a large man into a tiny polar bear?

    Hungry Boss: My first reaction was to yelp out loud, which scared the cats. because I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more graphic cover. I just don’t wanna think about what he is getting ready to considering that his belt is still buckled and he has all his clothes on.

    Until, of course, I saw the cover of Tapping the Billionaire and I am positive I blushed. Wouldn’t a billionaire have silk boxers and not white cotton boxer briefs? But he sure looks happy.

    Savage Summer Such a romantic cover for a book with the word “savage” in it.

  27. Susan says:

    Savage guy looks as if he fell asleep on her chest. Actually, I can’t tell what happened to his lower body–maybe he’s being slowly consumed by the Little Shop of Horrors carnivorous flowers.

  28. LenoreJ says:

    Looks like the billionaire is having a hot & heavy affair with one Rosie Palm!

  29. LauraL says:

    I’m thinking the bear in The Bear’s Healing Touch is the hero’s esthetician and is carefully checking her latest wax job.

  30. Miss Louisa says:

    There is another from the polar bear author with a koala on the cover in a similar pose that I found when looking for upcoming releases on my nook. I knew we would see them here at some point.

    The hungry guy looks more like the itchy guy in need of antibiotics.

  31. Another Kate and Hazel:

    I’m going to liberate Bear from my mother in law’s house when I’m there this summer, I’m really going to do it this time. I see it every time I go, but I’ve never had the guts to start it (it sounds VERY weird, not like shapeshifter romances). It is perhaps the reason for the Alaska oral sex with bears warnings?

    “Bear is a novel by Canadian author Marian Engel, published in 1976. It won the Governor General’s Literary Award the same year. It is Engel’s fifth novel, and her most famous. The story tells of a lonely librarian in northern Ontario who enters into a sexual relationship with a bear. The book has been called “the most controversial novel ever written in Canada”.”

    And I’m sorry, but do we think the “most controversial novel ever written in Canada” is a low bar? Nabokov wasn’t teaching in Montreal when he wrote Lolita. And it’s not “Canadian Psycho” for a reason.

  32. Jillian Boyd says:

    Damn, Hungry Boss is coming on a bit strong…

  33. Hazel says:

    @Anna: You know, weird as it sounds, I think I liked it. I remember thinking it was well written, and the sex was not really the point, as I recall. Instead it was a bizarre sort of red herring.

    This was a long time ago. I was a Physics major, who spent all my free time on the Literature floor of the university library. I probably missed the point.

    Wonder if I could read it now.

  34. Kim W. says:

    The bear’s healing touch better be some kind of cooling ointment for that freshly-oiled Brazilian man wax.

  35. BellaInAus says:

    Mrs Palmer and her five daughters are busy Tapping the Billionaire.

    The Hungry Boss might want to consider buying a better quality suit if the zipper jams on him like that.

    Summer was savage because she broke his nose on her adam’s apple.

    And I was kind of wondering if polar bears live in forests? I thought it was snowy tundra, but my geography is shaky at best.

  36. Nancy C says:

    Is no one going to comment on how orange the guy on the Savage Summer cover is? Head-to-toe fake tan! So, so appealing. Not.

    As an Alaskan who has actually had dealings with bears (yes, I have stories), I have to say it bothers me that not only is the polar bear in the wrong habitat and not at all a grizzly, even the grizzly logo isn’t a grizzly. The logo is a polar bear. At a stretch, it could perhaps be a black bear, but grizzly heads are much larger, and they have a distinct hump at the shoulders.

    This has been your large Alaskan mammals lesson for the day.

  37. BrittBritt says:

    WHAT is it with these shifter romance and animals on the cover? It looks like the bear is about to search for food inside that dudes pants. Bear crotch sounds like an unscratchable itch. A very violent , unscratchable itch.

    I can only imagine how Thanksgiving goes.
    “Mom and Dad, meet my new bae!!”
    Enter : bear.

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