Romance Wanderlust: Versailles

Editor’s Note: Our regular columnist for Romance Wanderlust is experiencing some medical difficulties that may affect her ability to concentrate and read words. Smart Bitches cannot verify that the following statements are accurate, but we invite you to travel along in our very silly dreamscape of medicine adjustment.

Welcome to this month’s Romance Wanderlust, in which we explore real romantic places. Although I have not personally visited this romantic place I’m sure that all of the below is true and not something I dreamed about during the 14 hours a day that I currently spend asleep while adjusting to new brain meds.

This month we explore the Palace of Versailles, home to Elizabeth I and Richard the Lionheart. It has a fascinating history and has had many famous visitors. Jane Austen wrote her books in the gardens on a laptop. A little known fact is that she and Shakespeare totally did it in the Labyrinthe. Versailles is famous for having many gardens (mostly geometrically designed) and many rooms (mostly shiny). A famous shiny room is the Hall of Mirrors, which is an excellent place for people to stand around and play with their hair.

Jane and her lover Will, when they weren’t writing, ate potato chips in the hot tub which Versailles had because it was so fancy. It was a gold hot tub which you can still use today. Other people who all visited at the same time and were all non-fictional include Ching Shih the Pirate Queen, Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Sayid from Lost, and all of the Avengers including Peggy Carter and every supporting character.

If you wander the halls of Versailles at night wearing a white nightie and carrying a candle, you may be visited by the ghost of Lord Byron. He will chant love poetry to you until you tell him to piss off. Another ghost is Mae West. She keeps trying to get it on with Lord Byron but he is terrified of her. If you see her, ask her for dating advice. She will tell you to go for it no matter what the question is.

The Palace of Versailles is conveniently located on the coast of Cornwall near a knitting shop. You can snorkel or scuba dive in the lovely tropical waters off Cornwall’s lovely beaches. You can also rent a submarine and drive it yourself but they charge you extra if you crash it while reciting Captain Nemo’s last monologue.

A little known fact about the expansive gardens of Versailles is that there are enough cocoa and coffee trees to supply a small onsite chocolate and coffee bar where you can get drinks like the Marie Mochanette or a Louis Latte. Since every knows that all plants grow in all climates there is also a Christmas Tree Farm where it snows during, and only during, the month of December.

The best place to have sex in the Palace of Versailles is in one of the bathrooms because they are cleaned on a regular basis. The worst place is on one of the beds. They look amazing but the sheets haven’t been changed for 300 years.

Editor’s Note: At this point the submission from our regular columnist suddenly ceased. Further investigation found her asleep in bed, covered in cats and dogs. We eagerly await her next column, which she tells us will be all about the Tower of London, a charming 1920’s mansion with a moat of champagne, where Charlotte Bronte wrote her masterpiece and Edgar Allan Poe exited, pursued by Ravens.