Elyse Watches The Bachelor – Episode Three: Whipped Cream

Previously on Elyse Watches The Bachelor…

Last week I got really drunk on Dark and Stormys while Nick Viall aka The Bachelor took the contestants to a photo shoot and The Museum of Broken Relationships. Corrine took off her top, Josephine slapped Nick across the face, and Liz was sent home–meaning 21 women remain. I think it’s 21. I was too drunk to count.

Tonight I’m a tad more sober–and hoping we don’t lose power due to an ice storm. I bet LA is nice and warm right now…

Anyway, on with the show!

Now, Nick had let Liz go because he questioned her reason for being on the show. I’m sure her motives were the same as all the other contestants–to drink as much wine and get as much free travel out of this contest as possible.

Anyway, Nick and Liz had hooked up after a wedding. At the time she declined to give Nick her number. Then she showed up at the McMansion. Nick was shocked! Except I think they filmed a faux wedding reception to use as a flashback, so I call bullshit.

Nick gets the women together and tells them all that he and Liz had a previous sexual relationship. There are gasps and pearl clutching. One woman says she’s “confused.”

Let me clear it up for you, honey. Nick met Liz at a wedding. There was an open bar. They felt mutual attraction. There might have been foreplay. He put his penis inside Liz’s vagina. Apparently he didn’t do a great job of it though because Liz decided to leave it as a one night stand. Let’s look at the clues:

1. Liz didn’t want Nick’s phone number after they had sex.
2. Nick didn’t want Liz hanging around the McMansion to tell the other women that they had sex.

Now, I’m not a detective (or a high functioning sociopath), but deductive reasoning tells me that maybe Nick is shit in bed. At one point during this episode Corinne–that sassy vixen–shows up with a can of Redi-Whip, the brand name sort of taped out–and asks Nick to lick it off her boobs. He complies, but he’s super uncomfortable about it and, at one point, says “I can’t do any more whipped cream” in the tone of voice that suggests that–full of horror–Nick has suddenly remembered he’s lactose intolerant. Maybe the sexy games just aren’t up his alley? Poor Corinne is so embarrassed by Nick’s awkwardness and apparent lack of interest, that she starts crying and I wanted to hug her. I mean, after she washed her boobs and put on a shirt.

Honestly this episode would have been so much more satisfying had Liz been allowed to tell the women that she’d slept with Nick, while going into detail. Possibly with a sock puppet reenactment.

Then OUT OF NOWHERE there’s a Dreaded Rose Ceremony! WTF?! We’re only 15 minutes into this episode. I’m so confused. Liz is gone. Corinne is sobbing in the bathroom. THIS IS MADNESS. After a few moments and a fortifying sip of Kraken and Coke, I realize that this Dreaded Rose Ceremony is a continuation of last week’s episode. Corinne, having previously won a rose on their group date, is safe. So Corrine does what any sane woman would–she opts out of this bullshit, pulling on her pajamas and going to bed.

Nick is indignant. Sure Corinne has a rose but she can’t just GO TO BED! She has to follow the scared, time-honored protocol of The Bachelor set down in 2002, and stand around in a ball gown even through she has fuck-all to do. Nick implies, ominously, that this breech of etiquette may impact how he sees Corinne.

Fuck. You. Dude.

Things we learned about Nick in this episode:

1. He’s probably bad in bed.
2. He’s totally crop-dusting the crew with his accidental-dairy farts.
3. He’s big on rules that have no basis in reality.

I can’t believe this guy is still single!

Nick decides to send home Hailey, a photographer from Vancouver and Lacy, a digital marketing manager.  Sorry ladies, you didn’t make it to Bali, but at least you didn’t have to spend any time in the Fantasy Suite.

The following day the next group date is revealed–some of the contestants, and Nick, will perform as backup dancers for The Backstreet Boys. The Backstreet Boys actually appear at the McMansion and sing acapella for the ladies. They all freak out, fangirling and screaming. Chris Harrison brings out his Nick Carter fan fic and asks for an autograph. All I could think was “Nick, you are so fucked.”

Remember, this is the guy who said, “I don’t know how to sit sideways on a couch. It’s hard.”

During practice the Backstreet Boys inform the group that they will select the best dancer to be serenaded on stage with Nick. And my heart died a little.

Let me tell you a story about fourteen-year-old Elyse, starry-eyed and on the cusp of discovering romance novels. Little baby Elyse thought that someday she’d marry Kevin Richardson from the Backstreet Boys. She had all his shitty posters from TigerBeat on her bedroom wall. She listened to “I Want It That Way” so often that for one golden moment, the lyrics almost sort of made sense. I held firm in my BSB fanship even when N’Sync emerged.

I never would have imagined that my childhood crush would sink so low as to help Nick pick the winner of a group date. You were supposed to be better, Kevin. The Kevin of my teenage dreams would have recognized the situation immediately and steadfastly refused to turn any of ladies over to Nick for a serenade. He would have stood firm, their knight in gleaming rayon.

Unsurprisingly, Nick sort of flops around on stage like a newly hatched sea turtle getting its bearings. The BSB, of one harmonizing hive mind, select Danielle L as the best back up dancer. Nick kisses her on stage. Nick tells her “The Backstreet Boys think we have amazing chemistry.” NO THEY DON’T NICK. THEY WOULDN’T SINK THAT LOW. They wouldn’t…

Regardless, Danielle L gets the much coveted rose. She kisses Nick a little more but we know she’s picturing Nick Carter in her mind.

Vanessa lands the next solo date, and she and Nick get to go on a zero gravity plane. Basically the plane nose dives so that for moments, they are weightless as if they are in space.

Nick tells the camera, “You can’t control what you do, really. You kinda have to let yourself go.”

Let’s hope he’s not still experiencing whipped cream after affects.

He follows up with “I don’t know if anyone’s ever kissed while floating in space, but all I want to do in this moment is kiss her.”

Oh please. You know astronauts have totally boned in space for no other reason than SCIENCE.

So anyway, they do kiss and then Vanessa gets nauseated and woofs into a paper bag. See, this is how you do it–you lure The Bachelor in with your sweet doe eyes and beguiling smile, then before the nookie can really start you vomit. Now he doesn’t want to kiss you, but also feels guilty enough not to eliminate you. THIS IS HOW YOU GET TO BALI PEOPLE.

Then Nick fucks up my plan BY STILL KISSING VANESSA AFTER SHE VOMITED. OMG NICK WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU! NO! NO! I was so horrified I slapped my hands over my mouth and gagged.

Nick helpfully says, “I can’t taste it.”

Nick takes Vanessa to dinner, and it sounded like he told her they were on the tallest building in Atlanta which confused me for a minute–how far did that plane go? Then I realized he just mumbles and actually said LA. Although in retrospect it’s entirely possible Nick doesn’t actually know what city they’re in. Nick gives Vanessa a rose and they kiss some more–although I really hoped that she’s brushed her teeth by now.

For the next group date, several of the ladies arrive at a sportsing arena type place where Nick tells them he did Track and Field in high school and college.

Good share, Nick. I read The Awakening and Tess D’Ubvervilles and cried when I was still in school, but you don’t see me forcing people to relive that shit with me. No one cares about your stupid javelin.

To help them out with their “Nick-Athalon” (not making that up) is Carl Lewis, nine time Olympic gold medalist. ABC WHY DO YOU KEEP INCORPORATING MEN WHO ARE MORE INTERESTING THAN NICK INTO GROUP DATES?

Allyson Felix and Michelle Carter are also in attendance. At this point I’d be like, “fuck this.” I’d punch Nick in the balls, incapacitating him, and spend the rest of the day talking to these amazing athletes. Nick could ice his nuts and they could regale me with tales of Olympic glory.

Astrid wins the group date and some alone time with Nick in a hot tub, while everyone else gets to hang out with the Olympians. Who is the real loser here, I ask?

At this point we’re at the one hour, thirty minute mark. When does this show get shorter? My liver can’t handle this shit.

I polish off my rum and coke, and the ladies go on to the cocktail party of the evening.

Nick asks “Astrid, would you [mumble something] chat a little bit?”

Astrid says, “Fuck no. I have a chardonnay and the newest My Favorite Murder Podcast episode downloaded.”

Okay, maybe she says that in her head.

Meanwhile Dominque goes into the bathroom–aka The Room Where We All Cry–to weep because Nick hasn’t noticed her yet. She’s probably just a little drunk and overheated from the athletics earlier. Hopefully someone got her a nice cold water off camera and rubbed her back a little. Later she tells Nick he hasn’t given her a fair chance–he’s paid very little attention to her compared to the other women.

Now, sarcasm aside, I found this segment of the show fascinating because the other women–while Dominque is talking to Nick–say that they hope she’s getting the validation that she needs. Which for a show, ostensibly about women tearing each other down and competing for one dude, is an interesting clip to air. It also supports my thesis that off camera (or on the editing room floor) the women are a lot more supportive of each other than we’re meant to see.

Nick fails epically on the validation front and sends Dominque home. You suck, dude.

When he tells the remaining women he sent Dominque home, they all look genuinely upset. Immediately after putting Dominique in The SUV of Shame, Nick gives Rachel a rose.

The next day instead of the normal cocktail party preceding The Dreaded Rose Ceremony, Chris Harrison tells them that Nick would prefer a pool party. Why Nick can’t tell them that his own damn self, I don’t know. It probably has to do with mumbling.

Corinne has a surprise for Nick during the pool party–she rented a bouncy castle for them!

They jump around and make out on the bouncy castle floor, and I just hope to God that they hosed that thing down before taking it on to  a six-year-old’s birthday party.

And I’m sorry for the aside here, but man I wish they had bouncy castles when I was kid. Remember this fucking thing?

What fucking monster came up with this? It was made of metal, blistering hot in the summer, and was apparently constructed by a Welding 101 class because all of the joins were illogically sharp and gave you tetanus. The dome from my childhood memories was like six feet tall so that when you got to the top some other little asshole shoved you off and you fractured something on the way down.

Who thought this was a good idea? How the hell were so many of them built? I swear I still have gravel in my knee from falling off one.

Anyway, a  visibly shit-faced Nick (me too bud) and Corinne roll around in the bouncy castle while some of the other women look on, and I’m thinking that based on this still Vanessa might be drinking Mountain Dew out of a wine glass. You go girl.

Vanessa, jacked up on Mountain Dew and rage, tells Nick that she’s a little grossed out that they had this nice date where she threw up and he still kissed her, and now he’s dry humping Corinne in a bouncy castle. She says, “I’m not judging Corinne, I’m judging your actions.”

BOOM! Let’s all toast our Mountain Dews to women not tearing each other down!

Vanessa leaves Nick with the bombshell that if he’s gonna be a douche, then he can keep his rose cuz she’s got other shit to do.

And that’s where the episode ends, with Vanessa throwing down like a champ, Nick uncertain of what municipality they’re in, a bouncy castle in need of Clorox Wipes, and Chris Harrison sobbing over his Nick Carter fanfic.

For me this episode validated what I’d long suspected–the ladies aren’t here to compete or be shitty to each other (even if they’re all a little sick of Corinne’s performative behavior).  What did you think? Did you find this episode refreshing–or was the post puke kissing just too much? And who should be sent home next?