It’s Cover Snark time! Just a note (which I’m sure will make some of you very happy): instead of running Cover Snark once a month, we’re upping it twice a month. Enjoy!
From Reader C.
Sarah: I don’t think that’s his hair.
RHG: No he shaved Fabio’s head.
SOMEONE CHECK ON FABIO IS HE OKAY
Also guyliner.
Also shirt.
Amanda: I wonder why he’s restless. Is it from giving his hair a blowout each morning?
Sarah: I think he’s restless because there’s not room in the hold for dry cleaning equipment AND hair product.
RHG: AND guyliner.
So much guyliner
Amanda: I know that my arm gets tired just trying to put my hair into a high ponytail.
Carrie: He does get points for resourcefulness. It’s not easy to find a perfect rose in the middle of the ocean.
Carrie: Cinderella is totes gonna beat everyone to death with her mop and dance in their blood. Those are the eyes of a woman who has snapped.
Amanda: Is this a weird retelling with murder? Because she looks like she’s going to murder.
Elyse: That hat is clearly concealing horns.
Sarah: “Cinderella. This time, the mice are the least of their worries.”
Carrie: Ha!
Amanda: He pooped himself, didn’t he? He was trying to squeeze out a fart in a crowded casino because it all smells like smoke anyway and he thought no one would notice. But surprise! Just sharted!
Sarah: Whatever it is that’s suddenly yours, I don’t think you want it.
Amanda: Is this…is this a dog romance?
RHG: I WANT THAT GIVE ME A PUPPY
They are SO FLUFFY I’M GONNA DIE
Elyse: Fuzzy justice
Sarah: What’s the name of the third puppy?
If this is Love Inspired, and dog spelled backwards is God, and there are three puppies plus a dog, is that a symbolic representation of the holy trinity and the unified divine?
In related news, am I reading too much into this cover?
RHG: The third dog is Jesus’ Brother Bob.
Sarah: Or Biff?
RHG: Is that the one from Lamb?
Sarah: Yeah. One of them has to be Biff.
Carrie: If there’s a dude in this book I don’t care. I’ll take the dogs. I’ll take all of them.
Re: Amanda’s comment on Suddenly Yours, why do I suddenly get the impression the book’s tagline “What happens in Vegas doesn’t always stay in Vegas” is a euphemism for a part of the digestive tract?
I have a feeling there are quite a few subtitles to the Suddenly Yours book, like:
Suddenly Yours: A Weird Genital Rash
Suddenly Yours: ALL His College Debt
Suddenly Yours: A Booze Blackout And Weird Stains On the Sheets in the Morning.
For all the hilarious snarking on the Suddenly Yours cover, I have to say that it’s nice to see a hero not look super manly and stoic on a cover for once. I quite like the silliness of his expression.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER SEEN A REFERENCE TO ARROGANT WORMS EVER!
I am mega excited about that.
What happens in Vegas doesn’t always stay in Vegas” is a euphemism for a part of the digestive tract?
That happened to me once. It wasn’t fun and we had to delay our flight home for 2 days, while I huddled in the hotel room, tried to keep fluids down, and wished for death’s sweet embrace. Note: If you want to make a casino nervous, have paramedics come to your room.
Muffy and Biff are golden retrievers know they are destined to make the next generation of the fluffiest K-9 unit ever. But oh noes! They live at different farms! How will they ever convince their owners it’s true love and they don’t just want a treat or walkies or something?
I think number one must have been some sort of challenge, like how many clowns can you fit in a VW. A bunch of cover designers got drunk and decided to see how many different fonts they could fit on the cover. There’s at least five. More is not always better, peeps.
What happens in Vegas doesn’t always stay in Vegas
Between that tag line, his expression, and the background, I’m thinking he’s trying to work out the best way to explain what he did that just got him banned from Las Vegas.
“I have to say that it’s nice to see a hero not look super manly and stoic on a cover for once. I quite like the silliness of his expression.”
That’s exactly what I thought.
Is Cinderella making a statement by wearing a blue pussy hat? I can’t decide.
You made my morning. Cover snark and an Arrogant Worm song.
Restless looks like bobo Bradley Cooper with bad hair.
I thought that you were going to point out that Restless guy’s arm. That arm is what appears to be restless — it’s off to the west and leaving the rest of him behind.
OMG. Has anyone else gone to see what the Cinderella book was about? I was kinda hoping for murderous Cinderella but the reality might be even better.
The King needs an heir and that means finding some sort of woman to do the job.
“That’s all it’s about, ultimately: basic, carnal compatibility in order to satisfy this need. For that reason, the pictures I request of those who wish to apply are explicit. The full prerequisites are attached to the correspondence. If you aren’t comfortable with these demands, don’t bother applying.”
Ella applies, seeing straight through the bullshit; she goes as far as to derisively add a set of pictures fitting the requirements the letter demands:
A picture of her “pussy” – a fat, indolent Persian – and of her in her nightwear – yoga pants and a hoodie.
In lieu of an introduction, her message reads:
« Dear Daniel Franko Phillipe Del Luz,
I’ve applied to guarantee that I’m not summoned to your little orgy.
Fuck you. We aren’t all stupid.
Ella. »
It was supposed to go through an automated system;
She didn’t expect anyone to read it…
Let alone the King.
Unfortunately, based on the reviews, it sounds like a lovely bat-shit crazy book ruined by bad writing and bad editing.
At first glance I could have sworn that Restless sea dude looked like Brent Spiner with a magnificent blow out. Upon realization that he was not Date’s sexier brother, Pants-feels, I was immediately a little sadder about the world we all live in.
On the Restless cover –
I’m worried about his shoulder. His shoulder looks dislocated. Perhaps he hurt himself retrieving the rose? Perhaps the pain is what’s making him restless?
Aaron Rodgers. In guyliner. Wearing Fabio’s hair.
I am going to have nightmares.
AWESOME.
I think Sea Lord is restless because of all the steroids he is clearly taking. His upper body is unnaturally large. Can he even use his arms properly?!
Also, his hair looks possessed by the malevolent spirit of his dead hairdresser….Who was also his secret lover!!…Dun Dun Duuuun!
Restless… I cannot tolerate that smirk.
Cinderella… Her Pussy Hat is the wrong color. Also, for some reason her face reminds me of Valerie Bertinelli, if anyone else is old enough to remember her.
Honor and Defend… I am worried that the dog with the uniform is impaled on that fence. Also, Sarah, please don’t ever preach on Trinity Sunday. LOL
Cover snark twice a month!!! YES YES YES OH VERY MUCH YES
Sarah, that was the best theological discussion about dogs I have ever read…you totally come preach at my cathedral on Trinity Sunday. I will be there for you in the front row, waving the cover of Honor and Defend and shouting, “We want Biff! We want Biff!” Maybe I can get Christopher Moore to attend, too.
Does The Restless Sea Lord have microencephaly?
Not his hair? I don’t think that’s even his head.
I thought Restless Hair was Jake Gyllenhaal.
Mr Restless has a problem — either his head is too small or his shirt is WAYYYY too big.
Cinderella, I regret to inform you that your Pink Pussy hat has officially frozen to death.
Honor and Defend gives new meaning to the term, doing it “doggy style”. Or — wait, is this a canine secret baby story?? “Detective Goldie knew she shouldn’t have trusted that mutt she met at the dog park. Sure enough, he disappeared before the rabbit test after their one-night stand came back positive. But when she finds out he’s been falsely arrested by Animal Control, can she prove him innocent before his cage number comes up?”
Darn, the Cinderella book sounded like it had potential.
Possible Honor and Defend synopsis: Top K-9 officer Goldfluff finds himself in need of a nanny for his three boisterous pups when his mate and partner is killed in the line of duty. Can Goldfluff and smitten nanny Peaches find true love and escape the clutches of a killer puppy smuggling ring?
The pirate is wearing Seinfeld’s pirate shirt, Cinderella is wearing a pussy hat…mad pussy. Sharting is not a dreamspun desire of mine. Good god, the puppies. Nothing snarky to say about that.
“If this is Love Inspired, and dog spelled backwards is God, and there are three puppies plus a dog, is that a symbolic representation of the holy trinity and the unified divine?
In related news, am I reading too much into this cover?”
As a theological student, this is way too funny! Cover Snark, The Arrogant Worms (I referenced Bob in a sermon a year ago), and the Holy Trinity all in one post!
Further proof that the Bitchery is awesome – multiple people who know about the Arrogant Worms!
Not a comment on the contents of these covers but “Suddenly Yours” reminded me of a new pet peeve (cause he’s doing it). I am soooo tired of the heroine biting her lower lip to express confusion or whatever (and the hero always thinks it’s adorable or sexy or both). It happens in maybe half the books I’ve read lately and I honestly don’t know one person who bites her lower lip, except by mistake. But maybe I’m hanging around with the wrong type of people.
I’m also in favor of more frequent Cover Snark, even though I sometimes actually like the covers ya’ll are “discussing.” By the way, I have seen the “Restless Sea Lord” model on other covers (and I seem to recall an actual photo) so I think that really is his hair.
“Restless Sea Lord.” If Spicoli and Willy Wonka had a son.
I think what’s “Suddenly Yours” is a really hideous Christmas present he’s trying to display gratitude for.
I think what’s “Suddenly Yours” is a really hideous Christmas present he’s trying to display gratitude for. Also YAY for more cover snark!
I looked up Cinderella (Not Quite The Fairy Tale) The author also wrote a series with a book titled “Scrooge McFuck (Some Girls Do It Book 2)”
Piper Stone’s hunky, rude, entitled, Scrooge of a boss is pushing her buttons every day, but he’s taken it too far, this time. Saying she couldn’t take the holidays off was one thing; preventing her to go home to her sick child? Not happening. She has zero regrets when she resigns.
Bennet McFinnley can’t believe his annoyingly perfect personal assistant has actually resigned from her cushy, highly paid position, and he intends to tell her exactly what he thinks about it.
But when he gets to her place, he comes to realize he might not know Piper as well as he thought he had…
Has good reviews. McFuckit I am getting it.
@KellyM, “Scrooge McFuck” for real? A book was actually published with that title? I thought it was illegal to use that word in a title.
Thank you for doing cover snark 2x month. I love those comments!
@Gloriamarie,
Amazon lists the title as “Scrooge McFuck” on the cover it says, “Scrooge McF*ck” so either someone at Amazon made a mistake or read the * as a u.
I am not sure how to imbed a link but reading the link below is a bit funny
Scrooge-McFuck-Some-Girls….
https://www.amazon.com/Scrooge-McFuck-Some-Girls-Book-ebook/dp/B01M3PU3IO/ref=pd_sim_351_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=GP4HQSQNKHNFM2V3PK4G
@KellyM And such a suggestive cover too
I think that the dogs K-9 uniform has just been pasted on. That or it’s so stiff the dog couldn’t work in it …
I can’t figure out why the rescue dogs are in front of a horse jump. Did someone fall? Did Silver run away? Are the donkeys AWOL?
So many questions.