Cover Snark: Crabs & Boardroom Babies

Happy Monday and welcome to Cover Snark! Let’s get started, shall we?

Crabs-The Human Sacrifice by Guy N. Smith

Elyse: If you have sharp claws the size of her body why do you need a sword?!?!

Amanda: Maybe the sacrifice won’t work if you snap her in half?

Elyse: Well then just stab her with the pincer end.

Carrie: Wow, STDs really have gotten antibiotic resistant.

Also if we run this we have to add that little video of the crab with the knives. It’s fake, alas, but still a hoot.

Elyse: I feel like this cover is a chilling glimpse into our future 1 year into a Trump presidency…by which I mean, I welcome our crab overlords.

Sarah: He’s gonna drop it and be all miffed that he has to start over.

 

Beautifully Decadent by L.A. Fiore. A blacklight-ish background with a man's chest as he's sprinkling some substance onto a cupcake.

Elyse: Why are they watering that cupcake?

Redheadedgirl: You have to water them Elyse.

Or else they won’t grow.

Amanda: You see water and I see a lot of white powder. Now I’m not saying it’s coke. But it might be coke.

Sarah: I feel like this is all a very disturbing euphemism, and that the cupcake has been under proved.

CarrieS: It’s hard to turn me off with a photo of a cupcake, but mission accomplished.

 

Caitlin's Choice by Kat Attalla. A dude unbuttoning his shirt in front of a conference table that has a baby on it. A baby.
Amanda: Why is that baby in a boardroom? Is the baby the boss? A boss baby?

Also, who is Caitlin? Is she the baby?

Elyse: Is he looking at his nipple? Is he debating nursing the baby?

Amanda: Maybe that’s the choice for Caitlin.

Sarah: I know many people worry about traces of what they absorb from the environment being present in breast milk. Is the concern here his hair product? Maybe this is a good time to pump and dump just to be safe.

CarrieS: Caitlin, if you are choosing between the dude who is puzzled by his buttons or the baby, keep the baby. The baby looks much more alert.

 

Mists of Camelot by Cynthia Breeding. A man and a woman badly photoshopped in front of a castle. The man is shirtless and the woman is in a lime green dress, holding the man's sword, while he maybe nurses on her? Or kisses her chest? Who knows.

Elyse: He’s either biting her or she has a delicious biscotti in her cleavage

“Here, hold my sword while I eat a pastry out of your boobies.”

CarrieS: Glen and I say that to each other all the time, don’t you and Rich?

Elyse: Every Saturday night

Amanda: Going to have to start throwing that into my Saturday routines.

Elyse: It’s the crumbs that kill ya.

Sarah: If this is a new form of CPR that I haven’t learned about yet, I’m a little wary of renewing my certification.

Comments are Closed

  1. Virginia E says:

    I used to know a lady in the SCA who had a rather spectacular cleavage and a bawdy sense of humor. One of her famous stunts was placing a pastry in her cleavage and cooing “Cherry Tart, Mi Lord?”. Another one involved a gentleman draining a glass of Guinness that was similarly placed. Cover-girl looks a bit flat for the booze, but pastry is a definite possibility.

  2. Lora says:

    I think he’s putting powdered sugar on that cupcake, which still makes no sense. At first I thought he was out in the rain with the cupcake and my exasperated impulse was to shout, Cover up that cupcake before it gets ruined! Where is your shirt? You could use it to protect the baked goods, you idiot. Clearly shirtless boy cannot be trusted with dessert treats.

  3. Lostshadows says:

    Main conflict in the second one is because he keeps getting powdered sugar all over the floor.

    The third one may have misunderstood the take your daughter to work concept and now Caitlin has to choose whether to fire him or whoever stuck her in the conference room and claimed it was an office.

  4. I think Caitlin *is* the baby, and her choice is between her pastel coloured plastic toy and the vapid looking bloke in front of her. Choose the toy, Caitlin! At least it rattles when you push it – he’s going to be vapid and dumb all his life!

  5. Heather T says:

    That baby has a great look on her face — “If these are my choices, can I get more choices?”

  6. Sabrina Shields says:

    These are such a great way to start my week!

  7. Nico Serene says:

    That last cover, it’s like he’s infating her for the pool and that’s where her intake nozzle is. Every time he exhales, her breasts get a little more firm.

  8. Amy! says:

    On first glance, I thought that the crab was stabbing itself, although it seems to be using a sort of Escherian moebius claw/sword (seriously, I can’t make the perspective work; it looks like the sword ought to be pointing up from that claw, not down).

    On second glance, reading the blurb above the author’s name, I realized that the pile of laundry to catch the suicidal crab’s ichor was actually a person, that the pose is supposed to be her on an altar being sacrificed.

    My brain refused to go there, because third look said “she’s sound asleep on top of a duvet patterned to look like stone” (no accounting for taste) “and this is a twisted fairytale on the order of Sleeping Beauty and the Beast where this other-dimensional crab who has no need to obey the puny laws of physics in this reality is sacrificing itself to awaken the sleeper.”

    Which is clearly species-ist. Crustaceans are people too!

  9. Crabs creep me out like you would not believe. So thanks for that this morning!

  10. There are SEVEN books in the CRABS series by Guy N. Smith, published by Dell in the 80s. The font had the total look of the 80s, so I checked it out and now I can’t unseen his entire published works … including “The Sucking Pit” (talk about a Vagenda … or fear of the Vagenda, as it were).

    They are pure 80s like the Killer Tomatoes, if you’re from that era.

    https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_2?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=guy+n.+smith

  11. Artemis Crow says:

    Maybe the guy on the cover of “Caitlin’s Choice” has pulled an “Outlander” and traveled to “Mists of Camelot”, hair products and all, to figure out how nursing works. I hate to break it to him…sucking on the breastbone ain’t gonna cut it.

  12. Diana Kirk says:

    Beautiful Decadent was confusing. I thought, “is he holding a pile of his own shit in his hand?”

  13. EC Spurlock says:

    The lady on the Camelot cover has such an “Are you done yet?” look on her face. “Clearly you don’t know what you’re doing, so knock it off or Imma whack you with this sword. Then I will go teach the crab that he is holding it wrong.”

  14. Wench says:

    Okay I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who thought the crab had a sword sticking out of their head. I just… what.

  15. Darynda says:

    “Wow, STDs really have gotten antibiotic resistant.”

    OMG! Laughing so hard!

  16. MizFletcher says:

    The Camelot lady looks like she’s suffering from what I recently learned is called “quad boob”. Just thought I’d mention it because I’m taking every opportunity to use this term.

  17. Susan says:

    I dunno, the Crabs cover is kinda mesmerizing to me. I might have actually picked that book up back in the day. Amazon has all seven books in an ebook bundle but, sadly, the gloriousness of that cover would be lost so I’m not biting. (I know, bad pun.)

  18. Gail Wood says:

    Mists of Camelot chick is thinking, “Geeze Lamcelot, will you simian already, I need to go throw myself in the moat…which has got to have more interesting critters than this, perhaps a crab with a bog sword..or maybe I’ll just have a cupcake….who left that baby on the Round Table. Oh dear god, you are STILL not done. Where is a knight in shining armor when you need one. Yawn…”

  19. Gail Wood says:

    Finish not simian

  20. Randall says:

    Obviously, Beautifully Decadent was going for a “MacArthur Park” thing, but they didn’t have a full-size cake to leave out in the rain.

    Now I’ve actually read the lyrics for MacArthur Park and>/b> learned about the CRABS series by Guy N. Smith. Truly, this is a day that will live in infamy.

  21. Randall says:

    And there’s no edit button. I apologize if I broke the comment section.

  22. Kyrce says:

    @Randall Thank you–as soon as I read this I started looking for the MacArthur Park reference, and there was NONE.

    I’d never heard MacArthur Park until I was an adult. I thought it was a Weird Al type joke song and that my then-husband was playing a practical joke by saying that it was a “real song.” He thought it was hysterical that he couldn’t convince me–finally he told me to call my mom and ask her….

    The trouser press line. Oh the trouser press line gets me every time.

  23. Cristie says:

    @ MizFletcher
    You can’t just leave us hanging! Wtf is quad boob?!

  24. Molly says:

    “…and that the cupcake has been under proved.” SOMEONE has been watching Great British Bake Off. I can’t be the only one who read that in the voice of Paul Hollywood.

  25. YotaArmai says:

    Quad boob is what happens when you have an Ill fitting bra and you get boob spillage.

  26. Patricia says:

    I may have just sporfled inappropriately in the Starbucks and now all the well dressed yoga mommies are giving me “the look”. Meanwhile, whoever that man is ruining that cupcake? Any heroine with half a brain knows he’s the wrong kind of trouble. The kind that does not respect cupcakes.

  27. Jillian Boyd says:

    The cupcake one manages quite well to suck the joy out of cupcakes with its gloomy icing sugar.

  28. @Anna Richland – Or it looks like an 80s throwback to those cheesy 1950s monster movies where a giant killer whatever wreaks havoc.

  29. Kelly S says:

    First, the crab looks ridiculously happy. It’s smiling!

    Next, @Molly – I too loved the under proved comment & thought of The Male Judge. And yes, I’m addicted to GBBO. Plus who puts blueberries on a cupcake?

    That jacket really has the dude confused on Catlain’s Choice.

    Finally, no one thought Authur there was a vampire? A new paranormal twist on the classic Arthurian tale?

  30. Wait – we’ve all assumed cupcake in the rain …

    But what if it’s a SHOWER?

    Would we feel differently about a hero who brought us a cupcake in the shower?

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