Bad covers are an occupational hazard here at SBTB HQ and few people enjoy Monday mornings, so we’re happy to combine the two.
Sarah: I’m going to tell you something. Those people aren’t Jewish.
Redheadedgirl: You can tell because there’s no foil under the menorah?
Sarah: Yup. No foil, no cookie sheet.
Carrie: I like how the menorah doesn’t even seem to have a three dimensional base – it’s just like a piece of paper hovering on the table.
It’s MAGIC
THE MAGIC SEX MENORAH
She doesn’t actually seem to be in her underwear. it’s like a specific outfit for sex by the light of the magic menorah. Are they actually Satanic? Or is Judaism much more fun than I’ve been led to believe?
Sarah: There is a reason why Jewish dates start at sundown, obvs.
And yes, it’s a LOT more fun. We have to keep the magic sexxytimes halter-style tops a secret.
Redheadedgirl: Is this woman going to be put in the corner of shame for letting the secret out?
(Actually I suspect that’s a bikini)
Sarah: No, but her penance will be to clean the wax off everyone’s menorot.
Elyse: …are they both the same person?
Also those are totes Lisa Frank unders.
Sarah: If Lisa Frank made undergarments I would 112% own several.
Carrie: WORD. Lisa Frank, are you listening? We want underwear!
Amanda: Has no one else noticed the crossing swords on the dude’s shirt? Hehehehehehe.
Sarah: Breastmilk fetish historical?
Elyse: His head is trapped in her cleavage and he needs the jaws of life to get out
Amanda: My hope is that she’s Praying Mantis-ing him.
RHG: There are so many things wrong with that dress.
…that’s not what you’re focusing on?
Redheadedgirl: Oh, Fabs.
Carrie: Glorious. Is it wrong that I would totally buy it just for the Fabio centerfold? My house needs a poster-sized framed Fabio centerfold.
Sarah: I don’t know about you, but I would like the power of his passion to come over and shovel my driveway.
Elyse: I love how taut that leather is over his junk. Also I’m 1000% sure they made chain mail vests like that.
Weren’t these the books where the actor traveled back in time?
Amanda: That lone nipple is too distraction and I CANNOT.
RHG: No, the one with the actor was Viking.
In this one the Fabio Self-Insert is a Venetian knight. There is an Amazon review that claims “it’s one of the best books I have read in a long time.”
Sarah: Of course it is! And don’t forget the review you did of the book written by the author who ghost-wrote Fabio’s books.
Ouch! Wearing chain mail on bare skin. He must have a rigorous shaving program or something.
Well the chainmail would mean he didn’t need a shaving program … except it looks more like it’s knitted of chunky weight wool than forged of iron rings.
Hey, I loved Champion!
…when I was 13 and it was the best romance novel I could find at the discount bookstore. I read a lot of crap in those days.
Looks more like he chopped up an old sweatshirt to make a vest.
Am I the only one wondering what the guy in the second cover is putting on? I’m thinking it’s supposed to be a superhero costume, but it 1)doesn’t have enough material to cover more than his legs and 2)has horizontal stripes in two alternating shades of purple. California raisin man is here to save the day!
Oh yeah, also that Fabio book has gotten a song by an obscure German hair metal band lodged in my head.
That’s not chain mail, it is clearly knitwear made to look like chain mail.
I would like to know what mitzvah is being engaged in, other than be fruitful and multiply. Or is mitzvah a euphemism in this case?
I am pretty sure I read that atrocity book written by the author who ghost-wrote Fabio’s books.
Yeah, so bad, so very bad.
But what about those crazy shoes in He’s Behind You? Are those his? And his face basically says, “I staged this bizarre and elaborate ‘surprise’ isn’t it so cute aren’t you so surprised” and the other guy (his twin?) is like, “There is something happening out of frame over your left shoulder that makes me really purely happy. Like, seeing an old friend. Or something. But definitely not your weird staged butt surprise.”
*snicker* I loved your take on the Magic Menorah of Sex. Here I always thought the sexytimes at Chanukah involved strip dreydel. Who knew?
He’s Behind You is perhaps going to end up the best part of my day. The horror movie title! The confusing purple onesie! The rocky horror twin showing off for the DnD twin!
And yeah, sign me up for some Lisa frank underwear.
Thanks all for my first good laugh of the week!
Wait. Do I need to go get my signed Fabio book again? The one where the way Fabio treated my mother at the event made me love him forever and you can’t convince me otherwise, no matter how horrid the covers and the books are? The one signed in gold paint pen?
Ahhh. I’ll just link: http://smartbitchestrashybooks.com/2010/05/elise-logan-loves-fabio/
I have to read Double Mitzvah now!
@ Elise Logan – I was at a Fabio book signing years ago and he is a beautiful man, inside and out. He was so kind to everyone from the bookstore staff to the fans wearing bustiers.
I’m pretty sure the centerfold from Champion got me written up at contract job back in the day. The women I worked with teased me about my reading habits, so I hung up a Fabio centerfold and brought in my Fabio mousepad and mug. I was in Personnel about two hours later, but my love for the Fabs continues forever.
Look beyond the creepy cover for the Christi Caldwell book! (Hey, his hands look inordinately big, too.) Great story with a grumpy duke inside, set against one of London’s Frost Fairs. If I remember correctly, the heroine is not a preying mantis nor is she a wet nurse.
Does anyone else see a ripped Bill Clinton on Double Mitzvah’s cover? No? Me neither.
Is it just me or does the guy in Double Mitzvah’s cover look like he is wearing a shower cap?
I must say, these bad covers are nowhere near as terrible as some you’ve done in the past. If that is a bikini on Double Mitzvah, then she is going to have very strange tan lines for a romance heroine.
I’m just gonna say it… how can any cover with Fabio on it be included in Cover Snark? It’s FABIO, for crying out loud.
Way back in the day, I owned a chainmail bikini. Triangle type top, very skimpy thong bottom.
I am not now, nor was I ever, a stripper. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
There was much hair removal.
I’m just sayin’.
I only frequently wore the top, over silk scarves. Ren fest.
’cause I’m a nerd.
And I like it!
Oh yeah, my point was that the bare skin thing was mostly not uncomfortable.
Except for when you first put it on.
Chainmail is very cold.
Whoa! Cold.
@LoobyLou
The shower cap thing was my very first thought upon seeing that.
You are not alone.
Also,
…wait a minute. Don’t superheros wear their unners on the outside?
I think he’s doing it wrong.
@loobyLou and @Coco – me too on the showercap. First thing I saw.
Is it just me, or does Lisa Frank underpants guy look like Pete Wentz?
Double Mitzvah cover question: Is that his finger or her finger hooked in her halter top? Or does he have 3 hands?
Oh and as a former stealth-purveyor of late 80s novels (I was a teen at the time), I can assure you that the cover hero’s haircolor is “silver.” Not graying hair; silver hair. He likely has violet eyes as well.
Not gonna lie — when Sarah says “menorot” instead of “menorahs” I get tingly.
Fabio was big during my romance hiatus, so I didn’t read/don’t own any books with him on the cover (with the exception of the Anne Stuart Phantom of the Opera type book, which doesn’t count), but I confess that I’ve since developed kind of a thing for him because of all of these stories I’ve heard about how patient and kind he is to his fans. He just sounds like a genuinely nice guy, which totally transcends whatever the physical package.
[…] Cover snark from Smart Bitches. […]