You did it! We figured this one out! It is a truth universally acknowledged (by me for certain) that the Bitchery pretty much knows everything, and really, it's true. Scroll down to see the solution for this HaBO - and many thanks!
This HaBO is from SpinThePickle, who wants to find this romance for obvious reasons:
A friend lent me a book in high school (late 90s) and it was definitely more her kind of book than mine (soapy/makjang). I don’t remember it being bad exactly, but I didn’t love it either. There was one scene in particular that stood out for its WTF-ery.
The book was set in another land, most likely an imaginary one.
Set up is standard enough: Scorned lover plots to sabotage the relationship between hero/heroine by making sure heroine catches them in a compromising position.
Here is where it gets weird: Scorned Chick tells Hero she needs his help because she’s lost a bracelet (possibly a ring, but definitely something shiny) INSIDE HER VAGINA and needs his help finding it.
He’s obviously an idiot because he AGREES to her request. I seem to remember him being like, “this means nothing” while he’s kneeling between her legs “helping” her. Later to the shocked heroine, he’s all, “it wasn’t what you think!”
There you go. WTF.
Well that gives new meaning to the term “jewelry box.” Someone surely has to remember this one.
Welp, I’ll be hitting “refresh” on this one all day. (Sometimes I feel…not so fresh. Maybe there’s a bracelet in my vagina.)
In other words: No clue. Must know.
I am sorry that I can be of no help but my instant reaction was “that must be were all my lost earrings went”
That’s a whole new level of WTF. Jeez
I’m already imagining terrible pick up lines and magical plot stories that could come of this. Also, add losing rings to the always-increasing Magic of romance genitalia!
I remember Stella Cameron’s old historicals used to have some unusual sex scenes, with some shocking (to my younger mind) things finding their way “up there.” But my memory is too mushy to recall any specific plots.
I need to know what excuse she gave for why it ended up there… She’s a illegal jewelry mule? She was escaping a war torn country? She was smuggling it into a jail to help someone make a shiv? Or did she just run out of room in her jewelry box? Someone must find this book because inquiring minds want to know
You ladies are so suspicious. I’m sure this happens all the time. Totally innocent.
I need this book.
Oh my god, this is the first HaBO where I simply HAVE to find out which book it is so I can read it. There are simply too many questions, starting with “why” and ending with “WHY” and with a lot of “why god why” in the middle. I agree with Mara, inquiring minds want to know.
If it’s not found, I suppose we could organize a contest and write our own version of the story? I mean, the possibilities are endless, from “The most extraordinary thing happened, I just lost my favourite bracelet inside my vajayjay and I absolutely have to retrieve it because I want to wear it to the ball” to “Oh, not again, it’s the seventh bracelet I’ve lost down there this week, could you be a dear and help me out because I can’t quite reach…” but really I hope this book is found very soon.
“could you be a dear and help me out because I can’t quite reach…”
as read by Susan Sarandon in “Bull Durham” (remember the garter belt scene?)
You know, as a medical student and as in intern, I saw a lot of items “lost” in various orifices. I don’t know why a bracelet could not be lost that way. OTOH, why was the hero not all “get thee to thy nearest healer?”
I agree with Vicki: ER medics can tell you the most surprising things. But I wonder what would someone tell an ex-lover: “I was thinking of you, and I remembered you gave me this bracelet, and, well, … could you help me retrieve it?”
Was this before the piercing trend or after? If after, perhaps she lost her piercing, a ring, instead of a bracelet and needed the help to look for the clasp? Although, that thought hurts on multiple levels.
No idea what book this is, but I wouldn’t accept that man as my hero if he’s dumb enough to go along with his ex’s request.
Reminds me of a scene I actually witnessed at the Soviet-Finnish border, 1983. We were leaving the USSR after a semester’s study. Some of the women had tucked jewelry in the most private of all possible hiding places, so that it wouldn’t be confiscated by the border guards. As soon as we crossed into Finland they streamed into the women’s toilets to retrieve their baubles. There were three toilet cubicles in a row. “I have a ring,” said the girl in the first. “I have a necklace,” said the second. “I have an icon,” said the third.
But she didn’t need to ask some strapping Finnish soldier to fish it out for her. And she was even able to walk normally afterwards.
Hello, the Bitch in need of help here.
@Charlotte Russell I checked out Stella Cameron. Doesn’t appear to be any of hers, though. Thank you for the suggestion though. A few looked interesting, so I getting them from the library:)
The kicker is, about 5 years after we read it, my friend wanted to track it down, and I found it for her via the internet. But she’s forgotten the title again and I didn’t care enough at the time to keep track of it (I know). I seem to recall I found a website that tracked strange sex scenes and it was listed on there, though it wasn’t technically sex. Or maybe it tracked things put in vaginas in fiction, because I seem to remember trying my first Susan Johnson novel afterwards because of a scene where he puts a plum in her. And some other book I’ve forgotten the name of where he puts a goldfish in her vagina and sucks it out. I still can’t look a goldfish in the eye. I think it was even the opening scene.
Anyhow, I’m still looking and I appreciate your help (and enthusiasm) too!
In the interests of listing books where people insert things other than human genitals or sex toys into vaginas,
That book is ‘Cassandra’s Conflict’ by Frederica Alleyn, and Black Lace was 90s I think? When I looked it up n Amazon, Alleyn had a book called ‘The Bracelet’ … So maybe she had something going on with insertions?
p.s. I have just realised that was really spoilery, since being the kinkiest of them all was the point of that book, and I am very sorry.
I thought I’d check here to see if someone had found the book, but talk has turned to animals…
I’m shocked. And curious about the goldfish (but NOT the snake *shudder).
@Dianna:
No worries – I hit the spoilery parts for you. No problem at all.
I’m sure the goldfish scene was in Shirley Conran’s Lace. i have a vague memory that it was the Arab prince probably to make him more exotic.
No clue about the bracelet but I’ll definitely keep coming back to see if someone identified the book.
@Lizzie R You are right. It was definitely Lace.
@SpinThePickle “And some other book I’ve forgotten the name of where he puts a goldfish in her vagina and sucks it out. I still can’t look a goldfish in the eye.”
I am dying here. That is all.
I’ve somewhat recovered my faculties. Enjoy the Stella Camerons, @SpinThePickle. She was a favorite of mine back in the day.
I don’t remember a novel with this plot, but something very similar happens in the Midori Snyder short story “The Reverend’s Wife”. The story is funny and sexy and a little evil–basically, a pregnant woman is not getting any from her hot traveling salesman husband and seduces the sexy reverend, the reverend’s wife finds out and seduces the hot salesman right back. The reverend’s wife convinces the salesman that her wicked womanly parts, if they are not getting regular lovin’, will literally eat up small loose objects, like rings and bracelets and perhaps the hot salesman’s loose wares. So clearly the salesman has no choice but to go at it with the reverend’s wife like whoa.
You can find the story in the collection “Black Swan, White Raven”. It’s apparently based on a middle-eastern fairy tale.
This totally made me think of the episode of ‘Will & Grace’, where Minnie Driver plays the mistress, Lorraine, and tries to hide a fistful of Karen’s jewelry in her hoo-hoo.
BTW, what’s with the HABO’s with hidden treasures? wasn’t there an earlier one, with a pearl necklace?
when I was in high school. a friend’s mom was a nurse at a private hospital which catered to elderly people of means. The things she told us that were found in the women’s hoohas. these discussions were always around the dinner table.
this should be an interesting find–no pun intended!
Ohohoh this makes me so happy – the whole thread. Seriously, dealing with some sad stuff the last few weeks – grins have been in short supply. So thank you, SpinthePickle, for this. Btw – SpinthePickle? Also making me smile.
I don’t know when I have ever laughed harder reading this blog.
First off, “SpinthePickle?” My mind boggles at that identifier. The thoughts going through my mind…
Plus, the plot description raises fo many questions. It is probably a terrible book, but I just have to read it.
Is this an historical? Contemporary?
oops forgot to select “notify of further comments”
It looks as though The Bracelet is probably not this book:
“When Kristina spots her best-friend wearing a pretty new bracelet, little does she know that her new piece of jewellery hides a multitude of erotic secrets.”
(https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1825417.The_Bracelet)
Sadly, the goodreads lists for Lace, while extensive and kinda hysterical (https://www.goodreads.com/list/book/1087403), does not include a list of ‘things put places they don’t belong” books, which is totally a failing on its part.
Mama always told me if I wasn’t careful I’d lose my jewelry in there!
Heads up, Ladies! Went to my library’s site to check for the Shirley Conran because they have probably 75-80% of everything mentioned here.
No luck on the book but they did have a DVD of the MOVIE based on said book. Has anyone seen this? Are they willing to take one for the team and report back? Admittedly, I did place a request.
Wonder if any goldfish were harmed during filming…
yeah, it’s not The Bracelet – I read that it in the 90s and I remember it VIVIDLY – it was one of the first bdsm eroticas that I read. Lots and lots of eye-opening kink for 20-something me, but no bracelets stuck in the vagina.
I have been wondering if it’s a Black Lace – there was a LOT of crazy sauce in some of them, but this particular bit of WTF-ry isn’t ringing any bells. And in general, there weren’t that many bitchy, manipulative women in them.
When Lace was republished in 2012, the Guardian’s story on it started, “Just whisper the word ‘goldfish’ to any woman in her late 30s or early 40s and see how many of them blush.”
I watched the TV movie as a kid, and I do not recall the goldfish. Here’s the only scene I retained (thank you, Youtube):
Damn, should I still bother with watching it then? Because, dear lord, but those 80s TV miniseries were bad.
Hmm, I seem to be hearing the siren songs of shoulder pads, big hair, clown makeup and soap opera plots. It’s only four hours of my life and if it’s too horrible I can just turn it off. However, now I’m thinking I need the book to see just how far off course Hollywood steered that particular ship. Oh, and also to read that goldfish scene.
Which leads me to this- Every time I read a sex scene with food, my first thought is always “that’s gonna cause a yeast infection”. What the hell would you get from a goldfish? Or do we not wish to contemplate that?
I don’t know this book/I’m fairly certain that I don’t want to know, but it did make me think of an episode of Sex Sent Me to the ER in which a couple got a bit kinky with a pair of handcuffs. The girl put the key to the cuffs in her “treasure chest” and left them there all night long. When she woke up in the morning, they were still cuffed, but the key disappeared. Yeah, moral of the story: don’t put things up your vagina that weren’t made to go up there. *shudder*
@Lulu @Gloriamarie Amalfitano Haha, I have used SpinThePickle for so long I don’t even think about it anymore. It isn’t anything naughty. It is a Firesign Theatre reference. In the first Nick Danger (Listen Here) there are a bunch of kind of random pickle references, including a line about how they were “engaged in a friendly round of spin the pickle.” And later during a fight scene, “No!! Put down that pickle!”
Also provides such gems as: “She looked so helpless there, spread-eagled on the floor. I beat the eagle off and gave her a quick mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.”
@Gloriamarie Amalfitano I’m pretty certain it was a fantasy land. Maybe a harem vibe. I also seem to recall a mostly gold cover with some kind of birds or large cat?
OMG, Amazon wants $15.99 for the ebook! I don’t think so. Nor do I care if the price was set by the publisher. Looks like I’ll be trolling the used books instead. So much for my instant gratification.
If this is a historical (big if!), I think a similar scene occurred in Mistress of the Eagles by Elona Malterre. I read is when I was quite young, and it was a bit on the creepy side and loaded with lots of sex.
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1914784.Mistress_of_the_Eagles
@Dancing_Angel OMG that might be it. The Irish thing surprises me to no end, but it has been 20 years and the plot obviously made no impact whatsoever. The title and author really ring a bell though.
I just bought a used copy from Amazon, so in a few weeks I guess I will know for sure…assuming the suspense doesn’t get me first.