Enjoy!
Did you have any reservations in writing this story? Any worries on how it would be received by both the romance community and the larger community of general readers?
Oh, sure, definitely. A few erotica publishers even rejected ASKING FOR IT as basically being too dirty. That set me back a bit. Obviously rape fantasy is a tricky subject. It’s something people often judge harshly, and even those of us who find it sexy judge ourselves harshly, sometimes. Also we knew the book had to have both warnings and that nearly triggery title; it was such a huge priority for me and for Berkley that readers who are disturbed by this kind of content would be informed and protected. But I hoped that I could tell the story in a way that would feel honest.
Were there any motivations with wanting to write this sort of romance? Do you think it was a “conversation” that we’ve been lacking in the community? Or has this been a plot you’ve been wanting to write for a while? I’d just love to know more about the idea’s inception!
In all honesty, my first thought was only that it could be really hot. The fantasy came first. Then I knew I would only want to tell this story in a way that clearly defined the heroine’s consent—mostly because a smart, aware woman who decided to indulge this fantasy surely would set those boundaries. That helps us respect her, I think.
But the narrative and the characters didn’t really come together until I thought of Vivienne and Jonah’s first meeting. She needs a reason to trust this man right off the bat, or else readers won’t understand her decision to move forward with this. I wouldn’t understand it either! But then Vivienne blew that tire, and the rest came together fairly quickly.
Did you have to do any research in terms of characterization? “After care” is a big part of Vivienne and Jonah’s relationship. Did you do research on these sorts of sexual practices? And with Vivienne’s backstory being so traumatic, was there any extra research to create a relatable and believable character who struggles with this trauma?
I did a little research. For instance, I talked to a couple of counselors, who confirmed that rape fantasies are extraordinarily common—among women and men!—and that people are often ashamed of that fantasy, or confused by it. Also, I did some reading about rape survivors who find themselves drawn to these fantasies. While this is not how most people react to being raped, Vivienne’s response is hardly unheard-of. But mostly I tried to root the story in Vivienne and Jonah’s own experiences and personalities.
The last thing I’m trying to do with ASKING FOR IT is “explain rape fantasy” or anything like that. It had to be about the individuals, their relationship, and what they go through.
How difficult or perhaps easy was it to create a character who wants to partake in consensual non-con practices, but still retain the “hero” persona for a romance novel?
Building Jonah as a hero despite his darker fantasies meant emphasizing two things: Setting boundaries and providing aftercare. Jonah approaches Vivienne about this fantasy for the first time while they’re in public, at a party. It’s audacious, and it shocks Vivienne—but he makes it clear he wanted to do this in a place where she is absolutely protected. When they meet up to discuss their limits beforehand, Jonah’s top priority is learning how he can make her feel safe.
I think it also helps that Jonah has boundaries of his own. As aggressive and even brutal as he is in their encounters, when they’re acting out this fantasy, he’s vulnerable too. And the aftercare shows how gentle he can be. That contrast between power and protectiveness is always sexy, at least for me.
Ultimately, is there any sort of message in this romance? Anything you want readers/romance fans to take away from the book aside from just having a really good read?
Mostly I wanted to tell a good story; I’m definitely not up on any soapbox. But if there is a take-away, I guess it’s the idea that fantasies in and of themselves aren’t immoral—it’s how we act on them (or don’t) that counts.
And thanks to Penguin, we have a giveaway of three print and three digital copies of Asking For It! Drop your email in the widgets below to enter to win. Standard disclaimers apply: I’m not being compensated for this giveaway. Void where prohibited. Open to US and Canadian residents were permitted by applicable law. Must be over 18 and ready to read to win. Your mileage may vary. Winners will be chosen at random on Saturday 6 June 2015 and winners will be announced same day.
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Wow, this has been up for hours with a give away and no one’s commented yet? I thought there would be a huge discussion going.
I congratulate Lilah Pace for having the courage of her convictions and understanding that our fantasies, whatever they are and whatever their root, have validity. Fantasy is not harmful. It’s actions one needs to worry about. Would I want to know this man? Probably not. I’ve had my life experiences, which have rule this scenario out as a sexy fantasy, but I’m willing to put my well grounded sense of self up against a book that should make me want lock myself in the house and not come out.
BDSM books are still trending big. It’s become an acceptable fantasy choice, but acting out a rape fantasy is still unacceptable even though with consent and aftercare (bomb about to drop) it doesn’t seem all that different to me. It’s as much about control and submission as BDSM – the FANTASY, NOT ACTUAL RAPE. I wonder if, for those of us who grew up on the non-consensual (is it just me or does it feel really wrong that that’s how the word is spelled) good girls only have sex if they have no choice romances of the 70s and 80s, this might have less shock value.
I’ve been hearing so much about this book and just finished Jane’s thoughtful and thought-provoking post on rape fantasy at DA this morning. Thank you for the interview, the giveaway, and for sparking discussion of control, consent, boundaries and agency.
Thanks for a thoughtful interview and for hosting the giveaway.
I’m not sure this is a book for me, BUT I wanted to say that I really, really appreciate that the author is thoughtful about this topic and interested in clearly signalling to potential readers what’s going on, content-wise. I recently read not one but two books that contained sort of rape fantasy scenes (except that they weren’t actually fantasies or negotiated, so they felt, to this reader, fairly unsettling) that were not flagged clearly in the marketing materials: one didn’t even mention it, the other used what I belatedly understood were probably rape-fantasy euphemisms I didn’t pick up on.
It made me wonder if the authors were/felt trapped in a thing where very explicitly saying “This book contains rape fantasy material” is either not allowed by booksellers or publishers, or seems too extreme… I don’t know. I found it very confusing. I’m aware that this is an extremely common fantasy, and no judgment from me! But it seems like the kind of thing people are not going to be lukewarm about, either they’ll be like “Finally! A book about my thing!” or “I can’t believe nobody told me this book contained rape stuff”… not much in between. So like I said, I appreciate that this author and her publisher were willing to be brave and clear about the content!
Very interesting interview. I personally am not inclined to any activities (sexual or otherwise) that require “aftercare” beyond, say, a shower. But I think it’s good that there are non-judgy ways and communities to discuss such activities and their place in the wide world of experience.
Okay, I didn’t read this interview. Also, I didn’t read the review. I want NO spoilers.
I’m not entirely sure that I’m going to be comfortable reading this book, but the very idea of it is so intriguing to me. I think it was first mentioned in a podcast here a few months ago, and I immediately thought that it’s totally okay for a woman to have a rape fantasy but also that it was not okay for a man to have a rape fantasy. And I don’t know how I feel about that. I don’t know how I feel about how I feel.
I would generally think that it is very dangerous if a man is thinking about rape, fantasizing about rape. But I am totally not judgmental about a woman who does exactly the same thing. And I don’t know how to feel about that.
I don’t know if I’m way off base, or if that’s kind of in line with how other people feel. I don’t know what the psychology of a rapist is. I don’t know if rapists fantasize over raping. I would guess that they do.
So aside from consent, what is the difference here? And should I feel that it’s okay for a man to fantasize about raping, if I feel that it’s okay for a woman to fantasize about being raped?
I’m terribly conflicted!
@Coco: These are only my thoughts, but here’s why I think it’s ok for women but not for men to you.
Men, historically and currently, are the main perpetuates of rape. Men have been raping women for as long as humans have been on this planet. I do not know of a single culture where rape hasn’t occured.
So, for a man to be fantasizing about rape, that’s a huge red flag to us. Because logically, is the fantasy and reality so different?
Women fantasize about rape play not because we want to be raped, but because the lack of control can be hot. To trust another person to completely take control, to give up all attempts at it, can be very powerful and very intriguing. But we are WILLINGLY choosing to give up the control.
If a man is fantasizing about rape, he’s forcibly taking that control from us; we’re not giving it to him of our own free will.
I’m not saying that a man who is interested in rape play is going to go out and rape a woman. But I can certainly understand why it might be terrifying to you, even if you’re fantasizing about rape play yourself!
Imagine if you met a guy you liked, and he told you he was interested in raping you, as play, and you’d have a safeword. Scary, right? Now imagine you telling that guy you’re interested in rape play, but here are your boundaries and safe word.
The second option is infinitely preferable because it allows the woman control during the most important part: setting the rules.
This might by why it bothers you about men fantasizing and not when women do.
@Jamie and Coco: Your posts gave me a lot to think about. Is it possible the men, some men, who fantasize about rape are actually fantasizing about being raped, rather than being rapists? Because that’s how I interpreted Ms. Pace’s mention of her research, that it’s not just women who have this fantasy. If one’s entire life is all about having control (my unscientific view of patriarchy), might not the near-total loss of control be, in a fantasy setting, seductive?
OTOH, I don’t know how I’d feel about a man fantasizing about raping someone, mostly because it happens with horrifying frequency in real life. It might be a no-go zone, for me.
@Everyone: The fact that Jonah (a man) has this rape fantasy too is also something Vivienne thinks about as in “What kind of man fantasizes about raping a woman?” So it definitely is part of her internal struggle on whether or not to agree to this kind of relationship.
However, a lot of questions surrounding Jonah are left unanswered. Since the book is from Viv’s POV, we don’t get any of the internal monologues that we’d normally get in romances, where things switch from hero to heroine. While I don’t have answer for this (and neither does the book for right now), they do address it.
Erotica author and columnist Tristan Taormino noted that enjoying a fantasy version of something doesn’t mean endorsing that in real life. (For example, two consenting adults playing out a sexual teacher-student fantasy doesn’t translate to either of them condoning teachers seducing students in real life.) Rape fantasies among consenting, well-informed adults are completely different from the crime where one person forces themselves on someone else. That doesn’t mean everyone has to accept every fantasy — we all have our personal preferences and dislikes — but it’s important to remember that a fantasy is very different from the actual situation.
Two things:
1) In this comment and in the one before, I am assuming that the man in question would be fantasizing about raping, not being raped. I have no issue with a man fantasizing about being raped.
2) I think my issue is that I want to feel that it’s okay to fantasize about anything, but I don’t. I do feel that it is okay for anyone to fantasize about being raped, about being subjugated, about being abused, about being hurt. That is not my issue.
I don’t feel that it is OK for anyone, male or female, to fantasize about raping. Or for that matter, about killing. And that is where I feel uncomfortable. Because I don’t feel that I have the right to judge what anybody else is fantasizing about. But I would judge somebody who was fantasizing about raping someone. I would judge.
I don’t like to think about myself as somebody who would judge someone else’s fantasies. But apparently I am.
So we’re clear, I have no problem, whatsoever, with somebody fantasizing about dominating, punishing, subjugating, within the bounds of a consensual relationship.
BC – IDK o_O?
@Coco: I think we all have things we judge other people for. Hands down, I am EXTREMELY judgemental about people who do Nazi/Jewish victim role play. In fact, any kind of Nazi role play causes a knee jerk reaction from me.
To handle that, I stay away from the groups where that’s deemed acceptable and I don’t bring it up. Its not exactly something that’s discussed, even in kinky circles, so I’ve rarely had an issue.
If this is something you want to become more accepting of, you may want to find a book discussing the psychology of rape play fantasy and see the POV of the “rapist”. Seeing the other side, so to speak, might help you figure out why you’re feeling judgemental and how to let that go.
I really dislike criticizing anyone for having any sort of fantasy. Acting it out is a different thing, and some things need to be selectively shared so they don’t trigger people, but I hate policing people’s mind pleasure.
Like DonnaMarie said, I think that there’s a fair amount of BDSM that roleplays some lack of consent. One of the reasons why people have safewords (like “red” and “yellow”) is so that they can say “no” and “stop” without actually stopping having sex. In most cases, you end up with “no, no, yes” and part of the thrill (for a top) can be that you have the power to transport the sub to ecstasy despite their protests.
Personal background (possible TMI): I’m a switch so I like topping and bottoming. When topping, I’m not really comfortable continuing after “no”, but I do love bringing someone to ecstasy after inflicting pain. I enjoy it for the same reasons I enjoy going down on someone. I like lavishing attention on someone I love and I like the power trip of driving my partner crazy without being distracted by my own pleasure. As a sub, I know that the orgasms can be way more intense with BDSM.
I also have rape fantasies, but only as a bottom. When fantasizing about a scene with a guy who had rapist fantasies, we both planned on my eventual pleasure/orgasm. I think he was into it partly because it was so extremely taboo. Realistically, I doubt I could actually go through with it in real life. I freaked out the one time I roleplayed being pressured into having sex. I still fantasize about it, but I’m not going to try it.
This is only my personal experience. Others may have totally different reasons for these fantasies and actions.
@ Emily Z
Thank you for sharing, I don’t think that was too much information. I appreciate your viewpoint as the BDSM lifestyle is not one that I’m familiar with outside of books.
I think for me, the difference between the quasi non consensual play that I understand is part of the BDSM lifestyle is still consented to. I don’t associate that with rape.
And again, having not read the book yet, I don’t know what limits are placed on this relationship. But when I think about a Dom or Domme in the BDSM lifestyle fantasizing, I think of them fantasizing about pushing, not about forcing. Does that make sense?
If it is consented to it is not rape. I don’t mean coercion, or consent under duress, I mean two (or more) people having an informed discussion about what their limits are beforehand, and those limits being adhered to. That is consent. Where there is consent, there is no rape.
I don’t think you can consent to actual rape. I think that’s not possible. I suppose that could be semantics, but to me rape is rape. What is consented to, while perhaps violent, hurtful, bloody, is not rape. What is consented to is play.
So going back to the fantasies, fantasizing about raping seems like a huge red flag for a future rapist (or a current one?). I don’t feel that way about domination, punishment, even sadism. Those are not my thing, at least not in the real world, but I’m okay with that as a fantasy. I just can’t get behind anyone fantasizing about raping anyone else. At least not as I define rape.
@Coco
Yeah, I totally agree. When you consent to a rape scene, it’s not rape. I agree that someone who fantasizes about non-consensual raping is worrisome. There is definitely the possibility of abuse in BDSM, and people will sometimes use it as an excuse to abuse others. I tend to be a little leery of playing with serious sadists for that reason.
On the other hand, I think that safe, consensual fantasy can be used as an outlet for people who have these desires to hurt but a moral compass that prevents them from wanting to actually hurt anyone. I think that this can be a substitute instead of a slippery slope. They’ve actually done studies that show that real-life rape goes down as pornography becomes more easily accessible.
There’s a fantastic series about BDSM called “Rescue Me”. It centers around a BDSM club in Colorado founded by a bunch of former Marines. A couple of the books are about people using BDSM to get past emotional issues once psychotherapy stopped helping. The author has done a lot of research into military life, sexual abuse and BDSM; it meshes with what I know. They can be heavy books (lots of trigger warnings), but all have HEA. The first one (Master at Arms and Nobody’s Angel) is free:
https://www.allromanceebooks.com/product-mastersatarmsnobody039sangelrescuemesagabook1-1359851-147.html
@ Emily Z
Thanks for the recommendation, I have downloaded those.
Also thanks for the input. I feel like maybe I’m not completely off base in my thinking that there is clear definition between consent and non consent.
From what research I’ve done, admittedly a small amount, consent seems to be an integral part of the BDSM lifestyle. (I have a hard time reconciling sadism and masochism with consent, but that is likely because I have a hard time comprehending enjoying either of those. But that’s me.) And I imagine that rape and non consensual abuse are not more common inside of the BDSM world than they are outside of it, and likely not less common. An abuser will abuse. A rapist will rape. The preferred kink has little, or nothing, to do with whether or not a person is abusive, I think.
On a side note, the switch is right after sadomasochism on the list of things I just don’t get (in BDSM). My… preference, for lack of a better word, is so firm that the idea of wanting to be on the other end is alien to me. From the first time I was introduced to the idea of the switch I have found the idea fascinating, not the I want to do that! sort of fascination, but the How must their mind work? sort of fascination. This small peek into your mind has been interesting. Thanks for sharing. Really.
I’ve got one and a half more books that I have to finish from my TBR before I can start on Asking for It. Must get back to reading! Perhaps I would benefit from somebody cracking a whip over me;-)