Reader Submitted Cover Snark

When I get email with cover snark submissions, it is a glorious, fantastic day. Because I can share! Ready?

Alexandra Ivy - Darkness unleashed Audiobook cover - the side of the guys head goes on for at least three or four inches with no hairline in sight. And the texture is stubble. Really he looks like a moon.

 

This cover was sent to me by Julie, who says, “Whoa! the size of that guy’s head is bizarre.”

Sarah: WHAT IS HAPPENING. Why does the side of his head extend for miles and miles?! Is he the moon? Shouldn’t you run into an ear somewhere? Eventually?

Elyse: That is… no.

Elyse: Also, are those abandoned railroad tracks in the background?

Amanda: That… that looks like Val Kilmer.

Carrie:  OMG Amanda you are right – but why is his face all sandy??

Amanda:  I had such a crush on Real Genius-era Val Kilmer.

RedHeadedGirl: That is the correct era of Val Kilmer to crush on. This is not that era.

 

The close up of the woman's head and neck line up with the image of a woman embracing a man on the lower third of the cover, so it looks like a giant head is growing out of the tiny woman's shoulders

Amanda:  It looks like her head is connected to the body on the cover and the man is really, really tiny.

RedHeadedGirl:  Ohhhhh noooooooo

Carrie: It’s like a misogynist nightmare of a suffocating woman.

Elyse: It reminds me of when you’d pop the head off of Barbie and it never went back on right.

 

Ok, look, blind readers, I am not making this up. The heroine is looking at the reader with a barely tolerant expression and the hero is facing away from the reader, and it looks like he's nursing. His head is over her breast, and it really looks like it's feeding time. Plus her shoulder slopes up to her ear, her hand is fused to her elbow - it's just a hot mess.

 

This cover was sent to us by Nina, who said, “This book cover deserves to be a part of the next Covers Gone Wild! It looks like this poor woman is nursing a giant man-baby.”

Sarah: I don’t think breast is best in this case.

Amanda:  She is not having it.

RedHeadedGirl: Who thought that was a good idea?

Carrie:  When Barbie goes bad.  she is SO over nursing grown men.   I predict murder by the end of the book.

Sarah: Wait, is her hand fused to her elbow? Why is her shoulder a slope up to her ear? I… I need to lie down now.

 

Book The cover is a photograph of this guy with a really dull expression, like he is half asleep, and his hair is a pompadour looking thing in the front with braids or maybe really thick limp curls in the back. It's like apocalypse: mullet.

Sarah: The cover is already pretty special, with the flat eyed stare and all, but the description makes it EVEN MORE GOODER:

He’s a not-so-charming prince . . .

Prince Pedro Tomas “P.T.” de la Ferrama is the owner of a high-end shoe company that promises comfort in addition to fashion. But when Cynthia “the Shark” Sullivan, a hot-shot Wall Street trader, claims his shoes gave her a corn that caused her to lose her job, P.T. must do some serious damage control using his royal charisma—a strategy that’s never failed him. But the leggy strawberry blonde is immune to his charms, much to his frustration. For all he can think about is getting tangled in the sheets with her.

She’s a Wall Street Cinderella . . .

Cynthia never settles for less than the best. So when

her luxury-brand shoes don’t live up to the company’s guarantee of quality, she vows to make them pay. But when she meets P.T., she doesn’t count on being insanely attracted to him. She can’t afford any distractions if she hopes to take his company to the cleaners. But the more she gets to know this unlikely prince, the more she finds herself wishing he’ll place a glass slipper on her foot—and make her his princess.

HE GAVE HER CORNS. HIS SHOES GAVE HER CORNS.

Has there ever been a better conflict for a hero and heroine? I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS. I mean, how could this get any better, right? I didn’t think Sandra Hill could top vampire viking angel Navy SEALs, but I was wrong. So, so wrong.

But I couldn’t stop looking at the cover. That guy looks…familiar. So I did a reverse image search:

Reverse image search showing actors and images that resemble the cover model - who looks familiar even now but I can't place him

Sarah:  It’s like Romper Room!

Romper Room screenshot of Miss Molly looking through a mirror frame and saying who she sees“I see Jake Gyllenhaal, and A Jonas and An Other Jonas, and That Guy from Entourage…”

RedHeadedGirl: Is that John Stamos?

Sarah:  “And I see John Stamos and Christian Bale and possibly a Backstreet Boy…”

Elyse:  Who the hell is that in the bottom right?

RedHeadedGirl:  That’s a Backstreet Boy. Or maybe an NSync?

 

Comments are Closed

  1. rebyj says:

    Crying laughing at Love Me Tender snark. Corns. Is there a toe sucking scene? Yes I’ll buy the book to find out. It’s the funniest romance novel STD ever.

  2. Lostshadows says:

    I’m still trying to wrap my head around how getting a corn lost her her job. Either she worked for the worst business ever or there’s some weird chain of slapstick worthy events that were set off by her foot problems.

    As well as the tiny head issue on the second one, I’d say, based on his expression, he really wants this photo shoot to be over.

  3. MK says:

    The thumbnail of that first one totally made me think of Mike Nelson from MST3K. Or else Rutger Hauer?

    Love Me Tender just did me in. It’s early and I wasn’t reading too closely so I thought it was a joke at first — the fact that it’s the ACTUAL DESCRIPTION on the book just makes it that much better, pfft!

  4. deftgurl says:

    “…when you’d pop the head off of Barbie and it never went back on right.” ***snort-laughs coffee into lungs*** And then…. the cornucopia of mullet goodness. Morning made!

  5. anony miss says:

    Ahhhhh, cover snark. It got me here all those years ago, and it never fails to make. my. day.

  6. JacquiC says:

    OMG. Too funny. Photoshop run amuck.

    But the Sandra Hill description takes the cake. A corn made her lose her job as a hot-shot Wall street trader??? I’m almost (but not quite) tempted to read this to find out how…

  7. Doug Glassman says:

    My mind’s going to a weird place here, but the “Love Me Tender” guy reminds me a lot of Jack from Power Rangers SPD. (One of my favorite characters, by the way. His ending on the show is basically “Screw this Power Rangers shit, I’m going to go help my smoking hot and incredibly rich blonde girlfriend run a homeless shelter” and never looked back. I admire his honesty.)

  8. Lynda X says:

    What strikes me is how petulant most of the models look. They are NOT people I would like to meet, let alone fantasize about.

  9. Amanda says:

    I have read Love Me Tender but it was a REALLY long time ago and had a different cover. I think the guy on the other cover was hotter or at least less clothed. Can’t remember much of the story but I think it was classic Sandra Hill.

  10. Kathi says:

    This is more fun than actually reading the books!

  11. Hannah says:

    The original cover for Love me Tender looks like straight-up historical romance to me–
    http://www.amazon.com/Love-Me-Tender-Leisure-Romance/dp/0843944579/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1429110653&sr=8-2&keywords=love+me+tender+sandra+hill

    Dude has kind of a swept-back pageboy instead of a mullet. It makes sense to me that it’s a reissue because I remember that wacky contemporaries were a hallmark of the 90s.

  12. Bea says:

    Love me Tender and Darkness Unleashed really make the case for covers featuring headless, shirtless dudes on them!

  13. denise says:

    love John Stamos…

  14. Kate says:

    The guy on the End of Eternity cover is going to give me nightmares.

  15. Charlotte Russell says:

    If the Darkness has been Unleashed, why are the lights still on? And thank you for putting Elvis’s Love Me Tender in my ear on a continuous loop!

  16. Llaph says:

    Even though I’m blind I love these posts, especially the photo descriptions. I seriously didn’t get into romances till I loft my sight in 07… What does that say?
    I read love me tender a long time ago. I love her titles….

  17. SB Sarah says:

    @Llaph:

    I’m so glad the descriptions are at least somewhat helpful and entertaining. There are a number of alt tags where I say, “Ok, people with screen readers, you are seriously not going to believe this description.” Sometimes they are IMPOSSIBLE to describe!

  18. Llaph says:

    @Sarah:
    That’s one of the best parts. Lol it may be weird, but I love and appreciate the fact that time is taken to do that. In my experience a lot of sites don’t take the time, I feel all special and stuff.

  19. Amanda says:

    I feel bad for the gal on the Wish Upon a Duke Cover. She wished for a Duke and got a man with a nursing fetish.

    The guy on the End of Eternity cover doesn’t want us to judge his love for his long necked large headed lady.

  20. keri says:

    on the first one, why is there a section of stubble right in the middle of his cheek, even highlighted!, that looks like it’s PS clone tool? were they trying to airbrush a mole out o the way?? (also, why does the stubble go ALL THE WAY to his eyebrow, like not even where you’d expect sideburn stubble to be)

    anyway, i’m highly tempted to buy a copy of LOVE ME TENDER. does anyone know if it’s as screwball as the cover copy suggests?? (i can’t help it, but the “PT” name only makes me think of circuses…….)

  21. Kifah says:

    I just keep seeing Jonathan Rhys Meyers with a mullet.

  22. Cammy says:

    Why is no one else as freaked out by Prince Pedro’s mullet as I am. And the magnificent party in the back part is either a badly-drawn crimped mane or those are tiny white guy dreads + a mullet.

  23. Charlotte Russell says:

    Cammy–I actually see that as a ponytail not a mullet. Obviously we can’t see the back of his head but to me it looks like he has it pulled it back into a pony and then the hair is so thick and straight it shows on either side of his head. But hey, that’s just what I’m imagining bc the mullet would scare me too!

  24. KristieJ says:

    The first on looks like a guy morphing into the moon. Being a huge fan of Face Off with the season finale last night, this looks like a creature from that show

  25. Llaph says:

    @Keri:
    It’s Sandra Hill so, yes. The question is, is it the right level for you. Lol
    It’s a re-telling of Cinderella and the fairy godmother is actually a godfather who really likes Elvis, Elmer Presley…. It has been a while, but I remember it being pretty wtf worthy and will admit it could’ve been a bit too wacky for me.

  26. SB Sarah says:

    @Llaph:

    I’m the one writing the alt-tags, so it makes me really happy to know you enjoy them!

  27. keri says:

    @Llaph:
    I’ve always been intrigued by Sandra Hill’s book synopses, but never quite felt the compulsion to buy one. That this one has corns as a plot device is enough to make me think I have to try her stuff finally! I do really enjoy the very WTF/wacky stuff, so I think you’ve sold me on trying one of her books out.

  28. LF says:

    The first guy looks like he smelled a fart

  29. I totally see Michael from the TV series (1997-2001) La Femme Nikita! Seriously! It’s him!

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