Knitting Pattern: Smart Bitches Last Minute Neck Warmer

The holiday season is tough for me because I work in logistics, which means from October 1st to December 22nd, my life is a blur of chaos and two a.m. phone calls to make sure Wal-Mart gets their goddamned Dora the Explorer sheets on-time. If you get a Christmas present from me it’s either purchased in September or it's an Amazon gift card.

And it doesn’t matter if you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, Winter Solstice or none of the above. Inevitably you think you have all your holiday shopping done, and then some asshole gives you a gift you aren’t expecting. Maybe it’s a coworker or an acquaintance from yoga or your neighbor. Regardless, you’re all like, “GODAMN IT NOW I HAVE TO RECIPROCATE AND I AM NOT PREPARED FOR THIS.”

And you can feel them judging you.

Don’t worry, bitches, I got your back. I give you the Smart Bitches Last Minute Neck Warmer.

Knitted neck warmer collar with buttons on the front

 

It's super easy, knits up in two hours or less (mine took an hour, but I'm fast, hurr, hurr), it’s soft and squishy, and it’s hand-made so you then you get to be the judgey one.

Oh, you went to Yankee Candle Outlet? I KNITTED THIS WITH LOVE. Or panic. Whatever.

I almost called this pattern I Want Sam Seaborn’s Body Neck Warmer because I preemptively knitted a ton of these while watching season one of West Wing on Netflix. Basically you can bang out a ton of quick presents during one latte-fueled Netflix/Hulu binge.

Stuff you will need:

1 skein of Rowan Yarn Thick ‘n Thin. I love this yarn. It’s soft, it knits up beautifully, and there are excellent color choices. The best part? ONE SKEIN PEOPLE. THAT’S 54 YARDS!

If your local Little Yarn Store doesn’t have this (or you can’t wait for shipping) you could use any bulky weight yarn, but a thick and thin yarn will offer a really cool texture.

Size 11 needles

A tapestry needle for weaving in ends.

3 buttons (or 2 big ones or whatever floats your boat)

Thread and a needle for sewing on buttons 

Gauge: Ain’t nobody got time for that!

 

Instructions:

1.       Turn on Netflix/ Hulu/ Amazon Prime. Ogle Rob Lowe. Why is he not aging? Does he drink the blood of virgins?

 

Rob Lowe from the West Wing

2.       Cast on 65 stitches.

3.       Work in K1, P1 ribbing until the yarn is almost gone. 

4.       Block the cowl if you have the time. If it’s December 23rd at 11:55 p.m. and you’re weeping bitter tears while liberally spiking your Peppermint Mocha with Schnapps, then don’t even worry about it, honey.

5.       Weave in ends. 

6.       “But Elyse, I have buttons and no button holes!?” WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR BUTTON HOLES! Lay your piece so the ends slightly overlap. As you sew the buttons on, sew all the way through so you're stitching the two ends together. You will pull the neck warmer on over your head to wear it. See?

Elyse wearing the neck warmer

 

6.       Throw it in a gift bag and call it done.

As always happy knitting, and feel free to leave your comments and questions below. And send us pictures of your knitting too! It makes us happy! Or pictures of Rob Lowe. Actually, if you can get a picture of Rob Lowe wearing your neck warmer you get to be the Queen of the Hot Pink Palace of Bitchery for a day because seriously.


Wait, you want more knitting patterns? We are here to help! 

You can knit the Smart Bitches Outlandish Cowl OR the Smart Bitches outlandish Arm Warmers.

Need a PDF? Right-click and save-as, and it shall be yours!

Add Your Comment →

  1. 1
    Kathy says:

    Can we be friends?  Cause I have a lot of naked body that you could cover with all these wonderful scarves, and warmers and mittens, etc.  If I weren’t married, I would ask you.  I seriously have a girl crush on you.  But not in a weird stalker way, just I really admire.

  2. 2
    Elyse says:

    @Kathy BFFs forever!

  3. 3
    Melanie G says:

    I don’t even knit, and reading your knitting patterns is my new favorite thing!

  4. 4
    Melanie E says:

    Elyse, yours are the only knitting patterns I’ve read that make me laugh out loud.  We need a book of them.  Please.

  5. 5
    roserita says:

    There is an extremely disturbing TV commercial that features a creepy, middle-aged paunchy, balding couch-potato Rob Lowe.  If you’re a fan, don’t watch it.  Heck, if you’re not a fan, don’t watch it.  That guy is just creepy.

  6. 6
    Magpie says:

    I totally read that as “Block the cow!” which I plan to use for all my future knitting panics.

  7. 7
    Susan says:

    I really like neck warmers, but don’t knit much anymore, so Etsy!  I used to get them for my mom to wear to bed.  She liked to have the room super cold, but would get under the warm comforter—but that often left the neck area exposed and shivering.  Neck warmers = problem solved.

    I think Rob Lowe is too pretty to be human.  I think we’ll find out one day that he was really an alien observer.  Or fae.

  8. 8
    kkw says:

    I don’t want a neck warmer. Or Robe Lowe. All yours. I am totally looking into the schnapps, however.

    Thanks for this.

  9. 9
    Collette says:

    While the cowl is cute, I WANT YOUR GLASSES!!!  So cute and you look great in them.

  10. 10
    Karin says:

    This sounds too, easy, I’m gonna do it!

  11. 11
    GHN says:

    Oh dear, Elise – what do you do when the recioient of your craftly efforts don’t do the appropriate thing (which is to kneel, sobbing, at your feet in abject gratitude) but instead sneers or pouts? Or – worse – throws the piece of wearable art into the washing machine and ends up with a wristwarmer instead of a cowl?
    I definitely need that schnapps!

  12. 12
    Natalie says:

    This will get me knitting again, for sure. And then I’ll work up to the cowl (which is my most pinned pin on Pinterest, by far). Love it!

  13. 13
    Antonia says:

    Thank you so much!!! For this, and the Outlandish knitting patterns! Fabulous knits, and hilarious. :D Ok, got to get on with the Christmas knitting now. To be clear – this neck warmer is to be knit flat, on straight needles, yes?

  14. 14
    Elyse says:

    @Antonia, yup knit flat. I use circulars for everything tho

  15. 15
    SB Sarah says:

    This comment is from Andrea, who was having computer problems when she tried to comment:

    “I cannot knit (it’s a sad and sorry effort and full of holes) but this is inspiring me to get my Mum to try and teach me again.  Or I might just suggest it as a gift idea to her…

    And can we please set up a petition here, or FB, or wherever, to get Rob Lowe to model Elyse’s knitting works of genius.  Maybe in a kilt????

    Surely if we offered to make him King of the Pink Palace for a day (week, month) he wouldn’t be able to resist.”

    (I like this plan, for reals.)

  16. 16
    cleo says:

    @GHN – Bleergh to the haters. There are two kinds of people, people who appreciate handmade gifts, and people who don’t.  And those who don’t appreciate them really don’t deserve them anyways. It took me awhile to figure this out, since I grew up in a family that MAKES THINGS and I just thought everyone was like that. But, if I know that someone doesn’t ever make anything even remotely crafty or never buys things from etsy or arts and crafts fairs, I tend to assume that they won’t appreciate something I make.

    My mother’s philosophy is that if she’d be hurt if someone mistreated a thing she made, she’s really careful who she gives it to / makes it for. This is why she never sewed my dad a beautiful dress shirt, frex, because she knew that eventually he’d stain it and then start using it as an oil rag in the garage and she’d have to either kill him or leave him. But when she knits baby blankets, she expects them to get spit up on or lost or shrunk or whatever and that’s fine. Baby blankets come with no strings attached (so to speak).

  17. 17
    JW says:

    Approximately how many inches around is this? I think I want to use a different yarn (cotton) and it may knit up differently. As long as I get the circumference right though, all should be good!

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