I received the following email from Lauren, and lo, it was a beautiful day that day, and every day since.
So I was wandering around the book section of a op shop (charity shop) and a bunch of old categories caught my eye. of course, I immediately thought of the bitchery, and thought they’d probably appreciate some old school Australian Harlequin covers (and one silhouette).
OH YES WE DO INDEED APPRECIATE. Come, appreciate with us! (And keep reading because after the covers IT GETS EVEN BETTER.)
Australia, I’m jealous of your book covers, but I think you knew that.
Sarah: I’m mildly alarmed by the close proximity of the reindeer, and I’m somewhat cautious about her expression, but I am flat out terrified of his sideburns.
Carrie: Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, Beauty and the Beast…Seriously, he’s totally the Disney version of the Beast! Look at the hair!
Amanda: Well, mistletoe can be poisonous and some people can have mono. Or there are just gross kissers out there. So the answer is everyone. Everyone should be afraid of mistletoe.
Elyse: Mullet and Cosby sweater jokes aside, those kids look they have some sinister plans for that couple.
RedHeadedGirl: If you are wearing a pink fleeece bow headband, you are plotting shit. It’s a rule.
Sarah: The border between “friends” and “something else” is crossed when, and only when, he tells everyone what hair product he uses. I’m betting it’s Axe hair putty.
Carrie: They look both passionate and uncomfortable. His neck is gonna hurt tomorrow.
Amanda: He’s actually dead and she’s propping his head up, Weekend at Bernie’s style. The flower in her hair is to diguise the decomp smell.
RedHeadedGirl: I want to discuss the purple sweater in the lower right hand corner. Why.
Elyse: I swear that’s Michael Bolton. Also his head is contorted at a really weird angle. It looks like he’s trying to pull away and she’s dragging him down to kiss her. “Yes Bolton! You WILL be mine!”
And now it’s time for the magic. Why? Because this is the American cover:
So, it’s a blouse. A yellow blouse, but a blouse nonetheless.
But the Australian cover, oooooh, no. That’s different:
Sarah: Frosted mullet. Frosted Mullet. This is NOT A DRILL. FROSTED MULLET!
Carrie: Yes, the mullet is magic, but what about the delight that is her distracted facial expression in the Yellow Blouse version? She looks like she’s in a clinch with the guy her parents set he up with but – look over there! Just past his shoulder! It’s a poor boy from the wrong side of the tracks, who is also a vampire, and also from a different religion and possibly her lost twin! And he’s a hottie! Forbidden Passion Powers Activate!
Amanda: One of them is a Real Doll, but I’m not telling you which one it is.
Elyse: They look like mannequins. Like this is a romance novel about two mannequins from the opposite side of the mall who fell in love.
RedHeadedGirl: Someone write that. Now. Please. Santa, I have been ever so good.
Sarah: But here is the best part. Lauren read Forbidden Passion, and it’s fantastic.
I started reading Forbidden Passion (of the aforementioned crazy covers) the other night when I couldn’t sleep and holy moly! The sauce, it is crazy.
I’m now reading it with post-its in hand; it is everything I hoped and feared old skool Mills and Boon would provide.
I actually turned the page to read “chapter 2” and thought, “Holy shit! that was only one chapter?”
As far as I can tell this far, our heroine, Diana, is a movie starlet who is just turning 24. In fact, the book opens on her 24th birthday (and one of the comments by an older character is “twenty-four, and you still look so young!”, errr, since when was 24 old?”).
On this auspicious occasion, she receives a surprise phone call from Conor, her ex-husband who is tall, dark and handsome (of course), Irish (of course), ex-SAS (duh) and the director of Diana’s new movies (I mean really, what else would you expect?).
This book is all over the shop. I’m not sure if they’re supposed to be a couple in a love/hate relationship or just a hate/hate relationship. And it almost seems like the hero’s eyes can only “blaze”.
A real excerpt from the book (I shit you not)
‘Eventually, the doorbell rang. Diana went to answer it, expecting room service with her tea as she opened the door, and her mouth was curved in a charming smile as she looked up into blue, blazing eyes.
“My love!” Conor bit out, blue eyes blazing’ (p16)
Additionally, Diana has a “guardian” who has the same surname as her, but who isn’t introduced as her “aunt” or “sister” or “grandmother” or anything, just her guardian. Because although apparently 24 is “old” you still need a guardian?!
Keep in mind, I’m only halfway through chapter 2.
I had to share it with someone – the SO has specifically asked me to leave him to his studies currently, which I felt I should honor.
I’ll email you with the rest of the crazy when I’ve finished it. (It hasn’t gotten any better – in that they’re filming a movie and there is an actual unicorn on the set).
I don’t know if I can possibly contain my joy. Not only does the cover serve up the sauce that is matched by the content of the book, but they are filming a movie, and there is an actual unicorn on the set.
I have to go lie down now.
Redheadedgirl:
I think those children on the first cover are plotting something against the reindeer, I mean look at her hands, rubbing together in the evil villain way, and the little boys’?! How long is that hand? Plus it totally looks like he has an axe or something, and there’s blood beneath that round lump in front of him…I think they offed the reindeers’ mate and are plotting how to get the other one.
More like “Who’s Afraid of the Mistletoe Family?”…the reindeer, the reindeer are
I feel like this is the start to a Criminal Minds episode, psychopath parents taking their kids into the woods to show them how to hunt and kill. They start with the reindeer, but then they happen upon some winter cabins…and the couple rekindles their romance, which had gotten a little stale after years of killing together, but the kids just make it the perfect family affair.
…i might watch too much crime tv
So many things to say about that first one, like: Does he look like a young, blond John Travolta to anyone else? Either she applied her blush in the dark or she’s got a serious case of windburn. Oil of Olay to the rescue? Is that kid leaning on an AX? Evil plot moppet or seriously under-supervised? (This from a mom whose 10YO tried to chop his toe off with a hatchet while we were camping miles away from the nearest [small-town] ER.) And is that a rock the girl moppet is standing on or did they just kill that reindeer with the ax?
Oh cover snark, I missed you!
1) Twitter: #TBTRom. Wildass covers galore. Go.
2) Unbelievably, mullets on romance covers are still A Thing. This one prompted insta-nausea and horrified shrieking: https://www.allromanceebooks.com/product-lovemetender-1652053-237.html NO HELL NO PLEASE I JUST CAN’T.
I saw how the man was holding the yellow blouse woman’s hand and I could just hear her saying “you’re right I do use palmolive”
Just Friends: Male- “Oh…where’d my gum go?”
Forbidden Passion (U.S.) : Male- “Enchante, is that your father behind you? Is he single?”
I think the guy in the first cover looks like Lorenzo Lamas (with blond hair) – old skool night time soap
I have read Forbidden Passion! (Second cover.) It was years and years ago, but it contained such glorious crazysauce that I still remember the plot today. Thank you for the fond memories!
That pink fleece bow person is not really a kid. That’s Linda Hunt!
Who’s Afraid of the Mistletoe?
Apparently the artist was as there isn’t a speck of mistletoe on the entire cover. Perhaps mistletoe was an old school euphemism for camel toe (also? judiciously placed beyond the margins of the cover). Even the reindeers have their toes covered. Someone was definitely afraid of toes…
Does or does that cover not actually say ‘Gust Friends’? They certainly look as though they are suffering some kind of intestinal discomfort and are plotting a way to pass wind without it being noticed by their friends. Maybe that’s why all the flowers are there…
Qualisign, I also thought there was no mistletoe so I looked it up and apparently, the mistletoe they have in Australia is poisonous (of course!) and has red berries so maybe that is what those berries in the wreath are. Of course that is not how you decorate with mistletoe, but since Australian Christmas also should not come with snow and reindeer really everything in that picture will try to kill you and you should be afraid of all of it.
The first cover for FORBIDDEN PASSION makes the heroine look hypnotized. Because nothing says passion like a blank stare…
Love the way the blazing blue eye “bit out ….” his greeting. Must’ve hurt. Maybe that’s why he is “blazing.”
Next instalment needed on the unicorn please.
I’m sorry, did you say unicorn on the movie set?
UNICORN on a movie set!
UNICORN!!!!!!
I’m off to do some clickity clicking.
Those aren’t kids. They are Santa’s Elves – notice the pointed ears are hidden. And they are on a sled pulled by Santa’s reindeer. 🙂
Gust Friends…
It brings to mind a character from the $1.99 Follies in Silver
Citty, NM. Her name was A Gusta Wind.
Those kids on the Mistletoe cover look like precocious, voyeuristic perverts. (Snicker, snicker “He’s going to second!” Snicker… “think they’ll take off their clothes? Naw, too cold.”)
Rather than “Gust Friends,” I thought the title read “Lust Friends,” a friends-with-benefits romance.
That old man on the first Forbidden Passion cover looks like he’s about to pull out his baseball bat and yell “Hey, you kids, get off my lawn!”
The Australian cover for Forbidden Passion reminds me of an old school gothic romance cover—but with a happy ending twist. Instead of a lone woman in a gown running away from a castle into the unknown, she’s run into the arms of a man in a tuxedo.
Of course, he’s got a frosted mullet, but beggars can’t be choosers.
But the woman on the American cover? TOTALLY being hypnotized.
“You love your yellow blouse. You will wear your yellow blouse every day… and cluck like a chicken.”
When I saw the cover of Who’s Afraid of the Mistletoe I kept saying, “Who does that guy look like? I know I’ve seen that face somewhere”, and then it hit me. Old skool 80’s group Device. The lead singer looks EXACTLY like that guy. Go check out the song Hanging on a HeartAttack on YouTube.
When I first looked a the top cover I thought the kids were standing over a dead deer not a sled and it took me a while to realize what it actually was.
The second one looks like a swingers party to me, multiple couples gardens, swingers party where they fall in love with each other because you know evil spouses; hers dragged her there and he’s trying to find his there.
The third one I’m just a little creeped by the old guy in the background looking at them. he has a kind of sinister look to him like they’re part of his evil plan to steal the vineyard or something.