Help A Bitch Out

HaBO: Historical Disco Stick on a Stick (Not Deep Fried I Hope)

Help a Bitch Out! Time for another HaBO, because if it's Tuesday it must be… a few things, actually. 

This HaBO request is from Mary, who writes: 

I am looking for a book I read about…8? years ago, when I first started reading romance and was a lot less discerning.

I got it at the library so it definitely could have been an older book. It was a Scottish romance, and the heroine was redheaded (I know that is not at all helpful). The cover had her running through some green hills in a red plaid dress. I think.

I think it was your fairly typical Scottish romance with the possibly English heroine refusing to have anything to do with the Highlander hero because she was better than him or she thought he was a jerk or something.

BUT then it started getting crazysauce because she was kidnapped by the hero's mortal enemy who kept her as a prisoner in his Scottish highland castle. The part that stuck with me was this:

1) The villain keeps the heroine tied to his giant four poster bed.

2) Instead of actually raping her with his own discostick, he used a dildo that was made in the exact image of said discostick. I don't remember why-maybe he was unable to get it up for her, maybe he didn't want his “seed” in her. But yeah.

3) The hero eventually rescues her and she was super grateful so then all the trauma was over and they had magical sexytimes.

A lot of the exact details are gone, but hopefully at least someone remembers this? I dunno, I can't be the only one scarred by out-of-nowhere dildo raping. I kind of just want to read it and see if it is still as insanely weird as I remember, or if it is just very cliched. Thank you so much! 

Wow. Either everyone will remember this book or everyone will say, “I don't know what it is BUT I MUST READ IT.” Anyone recognize this book?


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  1. 1
    Olivia says:

    Immediately sounded like “Hellion” by Bertrice Small, but after reading synopsis probably not it, but that’s my go to crazy time book…if you need another, lol

  2. 2
    TinaDee says:

    I got nuthin, but now I want to read it for the crazysauce!

  3. 3
    Elinor Aspen says:

    Could it be The Border Hostage by Virginia Henley? I never read that one, but the dildo scene sounds like something Henley would write.

  4. 4
    DonnaMarie says:

    Yeah, this sounds like Bertrice Small crazysauce, or maybe Susan Johnson, although I’ve read most of her historicals from back then and this isn’t ringing any bells.

  5. 5
    Rebecca says:

    I loves me some Virginia Henley—she’s my favorite writer of the Crazy Sauce!—, but I don’t recall any dildo-wielding Scots from her books. On the other hand, I do hope someone knows this book because I kinda want to read it now.

  6. 6
    Cate says:

    That smacks of Old Skool Batsarse Bodice Ripping of the loopiest order ( I so need to read whatever this book is !)
    I’m seconding Bertrice Small / Susan Johnson/ Thea Devine / Virgina Henley et al…. because Oh My Corset.. they certainly wrote some of the barmiest, totally un PC, utterly cracktastic historical bonk busters around.

  7. 7
    Katie Lynn says:

    Something about this is setting off bells in my head, like I’ve read a crazysauce report on here about it. I don’t think I’ve ever read anything myself with quite this storyline.

  8. 8
    Mary says:

    Thanks everyone, I think I’m gonna look through Virginia Henley’s list and see if anything rings a bell. I’m fairly certain it wasn’t a Bertrice Small or Susan Johnson, but I could be wrong.

  9. 9
    denise says:

    IDK, but it sounds crazy

  10. 10
    Regina Small says:

    I know the OP said she doesn’t think it was Bertrice Small but this REALLY sounds like The Border Lord’s Bride:

  11. 11
    Rebecca Murray says:

    Regina, you are right. I found a review on Good Reads for this book by Ilonna Andrews that specifically mentions the wooden dildo. (Gots’ta love how Good Reads boosts book reviews of people you follow!) Andywho, here it is:

    The sexuality in the book is raunchy. There are no gentle euphemisms. It’s all “I’m going to f’*** you, wife.” There is also a wooden dildo at one point. I’ve since read some reviews of the other books by the author and saw that the dildo makes a few more appearances in other titles.

  12. 12
    Mary says:

    You know, I think I’ll have to read it to be sure. The only reason I didn’t think it was a Bertrice Small was because I remember reading another one of her books a year or two ago and the style didn’t make me think of the dildo book, but I will have to look and see.

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