Sometimes, image editing creates… things. And sometimes those things are book covers. And sometimes we remain baffled.
Nah, with this set, we're pretty much always baffled.
Sarah: The position of those grapes is NOT GOOD. Like either he's half grape, or he's got a globular digestive problem I don't want to know about or… I have to stop thinking about this now.
Carrie: My attempt to broaden my reading hits a high point with this masterful tome about two people who exist only from the waist up. Luckily, the booze from their winery gives them the power of levitation. They live their lives taking care of one another with selfless devotion – behold, as he farts, she listens with great concern for a heart beat (and some distaste, as his farts smell like the fancy cheeses they must live on).
Amanda: He has no bottom bits. Just a half man/half wine hybrid, which I would otherwise be okay with except for that mullet.
Elyse: I'm marginally ashamed to to admit that at first glance I thought the top of that bottle was a penis. In my defense I'm on a lot of allergy medication.
Sarah: HOLY CRAP. It's his Inner Goddess! And she's…checking for earwax!
Carrie: The girl next door – another moving chronicle of living with an unusual physical condition – in this case, she is growing directly out of his chest. Soon she will hatch – from his face we can see that this is an unpleasant and confusing process.
Amanda: The Girl Next Door: A suspenseful novel about a no-nonsense DEA agent and the tiny woman inside him. I bet the buddy cop film rights have already sold.
Elyse: The Girl Next Door… To my left nipple.
Not only is she a tiny person living in his chest…she's a tiny *glowing* person living in his chest. Let's not make it weirder or anything.
Sarah: If anyone threw out some prom photos from 1982, well, we know what happened to them.
Carrie: The counterfeit betrothal – this couple is even worse off than the first, as they consist only of heads, hands, and in her case, cleavage – and must make a living posing for paper doll outfits as drawn by very small children.
Amanda: I just…I can't. It's too easy. WHY USE MS PAINT WHEN YOU COULD JUST SUPERIMPOSE THE FACES ON TO PICTURES OF ACTUAL PERIOD CLOTHING?! It's like they just made more work for themselves.
RedHeadedGirl: The Counterfeit Betrothal needs to stop counterfeiting covers.
Elyse: What the actual fuck. Did they ask someone's seventh grade nephew to do this? Scratch that. A 7th grader would have done better. This is the work of someone who still says “The Facebook.”
Also if Clippy from Office 2003 illustrated book covers, this would be it. Goddamnit, Clippy
And this is a special bonus! This cover was snarked awhile back:
There is nothing that says “Hot Firefighter Romance” like a badly Photoshopped puppy, right?
The more I stare at this, the less sense it makes. Where's his thumb? What is the puppy sitting on, a stocking? Half a heart-shaped pillow? A fabric model of a liver?
Why does whatever the puppy is sitting on cast a weird drop shadow on the fireman's abs?
Is the puppy ACTUALLY IN HIS PANTS? Or is he shapeshifting INTO a puppy?
Are those his pants? If so, why are they so much wider than he is? Or is he fighting fires in a wide, full-length, flame retardant skirt?
SO MANY QUESTIONS.
Poor Photoshopped puppy. He looks as confused as I am.
I would like to admit at this time: I was wrong. I was very, very wrong. I discovered the original, and I'm sorry to say, the Photoshopped puppy of confusion is a vast improvement over the original, with this guy who is all, My vein let me show you it.
Have a look:
Sarah: PUT BACK THE PUPPY. PUT IT BACK!
Carrie: Dear fireman – let me give you three words of advice:
Keep. The. Puppy.
Amanda: You know what. I can get on board with the photoshopped dog. In fact, I think all covers need to have photoshopped puppies and kittens and whatever other baby animals you want to sneak in there. I don't even care if the animal never shows up in the book.
RedHeadedGirl: PUPPY IN MAH PANTS.
Sarah: Perhaps this is the solution to any cover problem: Just Add Puppy!