Susan P. found a cover that was so fantastic, she took a picture of it and emailed it to me. YOU GUYS. This cover was so complete in every aspect of its WTFery that I had to buy a copy for my very own….so I could scan the cover into a huge, mondo-big epic-sized JPG of wonderment.
When it arrived, and I performed the embiggening scanning actions to my satisfaction, I called upon the posse to ask the crucial (and trick question): Front or Back? Which is Worse?
Let's start with the back:
Amanda: My immediate instinct is to go with the back since I read the entire thing with the hero's name being Cheese.
Elyse: Also I thought his name was Cheese.
RedHeadedGirl: …Cleese. His name is Cleese.
I also read Cheese. Women are fish? What is happening.
(I'm on a LOT of Sudafed right now)
Susan: “extra rod!” Hee hee.
Amanda: But then I saw the front…and those pants.
He's got the red, shiny face of a cartoon drunkard. Or maybe he's sunburned. BUT THOSE PANTS!! He better be packing something to make up for the unnecessary length in that denim crotch region.
Nice touch with the gold watch by the way. He's got enough money to wear a Rolex while doing yard work, but not enough to find pants that fit him apparently.
Elyse: I realize I'm going to hell for this, but when I saw his face I immediately thought of one of those “bad touch” PSAs we had to see in grade school.
Carrie: Which is worse? The front. The fishing metaphors on the back are dreadful, but they pass in comparison to the smarm on the front. Why is there cowboy gear and no fishing gear if it's all about fishing? Why do his arms look glued on? Why is his hair glued on like one of those Lego hair pieces? Why is he looking at me like that? Can I hit him? Is “He looked at me in a smarmy and patronizing way” legal grounds for assault?
Sarah: Y'all have missed the best part! Check out the white text on the cover!
Carrie: Still wasters? What? I thought I had a copyright on those kinds of typos. It is a typo, right? Or am I just not intellectual enough to comprehend this?
Amanda: I'll be honest, I have no clue what that meant. I assumed it had something to do with the uncomfortable fishing analogy on the back.
Susan: I'm guessing that because the cover painting dealt solely with the cattleman aspect of his life, the front cover blurb was supposed to handle the fisherman part.
Elyse: What if “still wasters” is some kind of code? Like how in movies spies communicated through personal ads?
Carrie: Shhh you're not supposed to tell everyone! It's a secret code! I mean it was, until you TOLD EVERYONE.
RedHeadedGirl: That's like, the slowest, most inefficient code ever.
Which is why I totally believe it.
Sarah: I have the cover of this book sitting upright on my desk so he's looking at me. I keep thinking his right arm is attached incorrectly. LIke one of those He-Man dolls where you could rip their arms off and reattach them?
Or wait. Maybe he IS MADE OF CHEESE.
RedHeadedGirl: I have a really good chiropractor that can fix that. (his arm, I mean, not the made of cheese part.)
Carrie: No, I think he's plastic. Like a Barbie, but one of those where sadistic children keep removing the limbs and sticking them back on until the limbs don't attach right.
Sarah: I feel like “still wasters” should be a useful phrase (aside from spy coded messages of course). Like, there should be some sort of regular internet event that could be described as “Still Wasters.”
So, what's your best idea for the true meaning of Still Wasters? Does it involve cheese? (We hope so.)
Heh, this is in my keep pile, but the cover is admittedly, a bit not good. Although – he’s described as being a cattleman in the book, although we don’t see too much of the ranch in action, so there’s some (small) justification for the generic bare chested cowboy look.
The book itself, as JCM said above, however, is actually good – the fishing puns on the back are very relevant to the contents – they are both avid anglers (she’s actually a bit better than he is!) and they both tell fishy stories and puns. The shark is a reference to the villain of the piece. (Not the ex; he’s dead in the book.)
I kind of miss the days when cover copy was interesting – even though there were some hilarious misfires, at least it was actually relevant to the book instead of the bland focus-grouped adwords type that we tend to get these days.
Something about this guy just reminds me of “the Hoff”. I don’t comment often, but I really enjoy your website, the snark is so creative!
If I have nightmares tonight I’ll know who is to blame.
Waaaaaaargh! That creepy smirk! *shudders*
The back cover is it. That fishing metaphor spun out of control. It’s like once he started referencing the heroine as a fish he couldn’t stop, in for a penny in for a pound YOLO! And then it ended with a sentence that I kept reading as “And that was how Cheese found himself knee derp hurrr.”
Thank you ladies – I’ve had a rough week and I really needed that laugh!
I am a little disappointed that I’m not the first one to think it should read ‘still wasted’. It would explain the look on his face. I admit I didn’t hate the fishing analogy. I have been known to overstretch a metaphor myself in my time…
The front is worse, but that might have to do with my overactive imagination, which decided midway through reading the backcopy that the heroine was a werefish. And that the hero was quite okay with her fishy side.
The Front….
I’m never going to be able to look at three white dots the same way again. I mean, look where they are, right there in front of the crotch area. So that would make the “Still wasters” a reference to something that’s still and produces waste. (And it would account for the awkward fit of his pants, as if he had to put whatever was lying around in a hurry).
So yeah, the front.
Still wasters – that made me think of moonshine. The liquid kind. And the guy looks as if he has been testing the product more than a bit.
@LauraL Oh wow! Learn something new everyday. But I really showed my age, didn’t I…
also this thread is epically long!
I also thought of a charmless version of Cary Grant, specifically from Charade, where he’s too old for Audrey Hepburn and knows it.
Thanks for the laughs.
I have no many questions!!!
(1) If the painting dealt with the cattleman aspect of Gruyère’s life and back blurb handled the fisherman part… Does that mean “Still wasters…” is supposed to cover his businessman’s facet as a cheese dealer?
(2) Is the author a Monty Python fan? Or she really likes her cheese?
(3) Was Laurel poaching in Mozzarella’s river as in a river river or as in a metaphorical river? If the latter, what the hell is a metaphorical river?
(4) If this book is about fish, how did Gorgonzola become an American hero? Does anyone know that? Do I want to know that?
(5) Why is Roquefort looking at me like that? It’s creeping the life out of me.
Yeah, that would be all. I guess I have no more questions.
For now.
Have to say that other than Cheese/Clees, I thought the cover was a fine example of a bygone era. Sort of like watching old Bay Watch of Mork and Mindy.
I watched To Catch a Thief not too long ago, and so like the other Anna (hi! waving to fellow Carina author!), I too immediately thought of Cary Grant from that facial expression – but there’s maybe a touch of Rock Hudson there too.
And I have to say that the length/height of the jeans doesn’t really bother me. I’m a mom. And everyone wore jeans that high back in the day. I watched a Hoff video not too long ago – a friend was actually in the background of it and throw back Thursday brings out some strange, strange things in people (seriously – would you go to the vault to show your kids your younger self in a video with the Hoff? Would you? Heck yeah!). So I’m feeling nostalgic for the dark-haired, chest-haired guys with high pants. Not for the Hoff specifically b/c he was … odd… but for the era. And this cover, wow, that’s prime era.
I’m also missing the painted look on book covers in general the longer I gaze at the wasters. Anybody else tired of gauzy glossy photos? Lots of books just kind of look like the photo you see insides frames on sale at the store, and I do miss the painterly aspects of old covers.
I LOVE it when you post covers!
The Still Wasters series tells the story of five brothers, who inherited their father’s distillery. After the eldest, Whiskey, developed a frightening allergic reaction to alcohol, the brothers vowed to close down their liquor business, letting the still fall into disrepair. Unfortunately, this was too late for the youngest brother, whose early exposure to distilled liquor caused his skin to turn a hideous shade of orange, earning him the nickname ‘Cheese’ among his friends.
Mortified by his newly ruddy status, Cheese has fled to the wilds of Scotland, and has become a hermit. In this, the final book of the series, we learn that he has at last found peace in his solitude. Living in an isolated cottage, Cheese has learned to live off the land, primarily by fly fishing. He is dimly aware that his lifestyle is at risk, due to severe pollution in the local loch that has been causing the fish to glow green in the dark, and occasionally call out to him in sad, musical voices.
All this changes when Crackers, the feisty but colour-blind daughter of the local laird, catches him with his fly down and his rod up. Cheese’s quiet life undergoes a sea change as Crackers decides to do some fishing of her own. Sparks fly, kilts are cast aside, and Cheese and Crackers soon learn that still waters run deep, and that the colour of one’s skin is far less important than one’s ability to tickle a trout. As their relationship deepens, they return again to the question of the family still, that has gone to waste for so long. With the help of the local Wise Woman, they realise that the still could be put to a benign use here, by the shores of the loch. Shipping the still over to Scotland, they begin distilling the water of the loch, drop by drop, and pouring it into a new, man-made loch build by Crackers’ family.
The story ends with Crackers and Cheese releasing the first of their captured fish into the tiny, artificial lock, which is approximately the size of a bathtub but is filled with surpassingly pure water. Cheese’s brothers and their pregnant wives all applaud, and the sun sets as they contemplate their happy ever afters, and toast (in distilled water) the family still – no longer wasted!
Jill @ #36: It’s true! There are worse aspirations a cover model could have than to be Cary Grant! Though I’m FAIRLY sure being better dressed would be involved.
Anna @ #51: *does Carina Author Club Sign, which involves interpretive dance along the lines of Our Books Are Awesome and You Should Buy Them, and Also Our Shirtless Cover Guys Are Better Looking*
Rock Hudson occurred to me too, but Cover Boys Aspiring to Be Rock Hudson probably want to be on m/m books. 😀
The first thing I thought when I saw the “Big Cheese” was John Hamm otherwise known as Don Draper of “Mad Men” with out his button down.
How true it is that you can’t judge a book by its cover. As a couple of people said above, this is actually a pretty good book. SB Sarah talks about “competence porn.” Well, this book actually gave me some idea of the allure of fly fishing. And since the heroine is a survivor of abuse, and works in a shelter for domestic violence victims, the author worked the signs of an abusive relationship and how to get out of it into the plot, which might have helped a few of her readers.
@laj
Seeing Hamm and Cheese in the same comment leaves me feeling a bit wry….
Ba-dump-bump!
EPIC! At least he knows it’s his extra rod that does the trick….
Damn you people are funny. 🙂
In defense of John Cleese as a romantic inspiration … well, there *was* A Fish Called Wanda, but there is also “Romance with a Double Bass.”
Say what you will about Upper Class Twits and Silly Walks, the man strips well.
@ Catherine – I laughed so hard I scared my cat. I would quite possibly this hypothetical book, and those about the other brothers.
Oh my goodness. Thank you for posting this (even though I had trouble breathing for a bit).
There are … no words. I honestly don’t know if the back or the front is worse. I’m still trying to figure out why they appear to be completely unrelated.
I can’t imagine that Cheese is a very competent fisherman if he’s attempting to lasso his fish.
Maybe it’s a new Extreme Sport? Shirtless Fish Lassoing (with cheese).
I am worried about what he’s planning on doing with the leather strap and rope (lasso?). Is that why he needs gloves and is wearing such awful jeans, because he’s good with burning them after he’d done the deed?
It is so much more to me than the general shittiness vibe of this whole cover, front and back. It is that it went on book shelves in stores and was bought. So let me once more ring the death knell for trad publishing in my own special way.
Not to seem elitest, let me testify that I am in the middle, beginning, and end of three different trad pub books right now.
@Catherine. You are a fucking genius.